by Laura Acton
Reaching into his pocket, Patch withdrew Beauty. He placed it in Loki’s lap without saying a word.
Loki peered at his lap and then up at Patch.
Patch turned to look at Loki. “Beauty is in your care now, so is Dan. I hope he never needs it again.”
Surprised to hear Patch call Dan, Dan not Blondie, Loki stared at Patch. The gloom and anguish in Patch’s expression matched his own but was perplexed by his words.
Patch understood the questioning look. “It’s time. That part of his life is too painful and needs to be buried for good. Dan needs to move forward. So do I. Please call me Jim.”
The group overheard the exchange. They most definitely agreed Dan needed to move forward and they would do everything in their power to help him do so and get back to the team.
Edmonton, AB – Club Ed Infirmary – 2:00 a.m. (4:00 a.m. Toronto)
Plouffe woke and groggily tried to determine where he was. His nose itched, and he moved his hand to scratch but found his hand only moved three inches. Plouffe stared at the cuff which locked him to the bed. He looked to his other hand and found it cuffed also.
Then he became aware of the throbbing pain in his side. Someone stabbed him. He had no idea who. Wait … el-Younis, it was Corporal el-Younis the analyst geek. Anger rose in Plouffe—he would kill the weasel.
His mind turned to how he might escape from the infirmary. Perhaps bribing an orderly to help him. If he managed to bribe one, he would head to the Cayman Islands. He had enough money to make a worthwhile bribe and still live the life of a king.
Once out of the country, he would plan the demise of all Brodericks. Every last one of them—man, woman, and child would be wiped out. General Broderick would still be last to die so he would feel the most pain. Plouffe smirked as he imagined the general at the graves of his entire family.
St. Michael’s Hospital – Room 1030 – 5:00 a.m.
Scott didn’t want to hear the details, yet he couldn’t abandon Dan. Unable to do anything as a seventeen-year-old to help him when Dan suffered Sara’s loss, Scott vowed to be here for him now. Though difficult, he would listen to and bear Danny’s pain. He would accept Dan for a man who endured cruelty and came out amazing—not damaged. His stomach churned at the details, but he kept his face void of any emotion.
He was glad when Uncle Will left the room. No father should hear details like this. Scott understood it destroyed Uncle Will a little bit with every labored breath and every sickening detail Danny shared because it killed him to listen.
Jon’s anger roiled as he struggled to keep his face impassive. He needed to do this—he would do this for Dan. If Dan withstood the actual torture, Jon could listen to him tell about it.
From what he surmised, Brody must have realized letting Dan say it out loud helped purge the poison from his mind. He understood talking about terrible events was therapeutic. Or at least that’s what the TRF psychologist told him during the annual mandated psych evaluations.
How the hell did Dan pass the psych eval? How is he not totally screwed up on a daily basis? Dano has a real strength of character—more than I ever realized.
Thinking back to Dan’s first months on the team, in hindsight Jon realized Dan had been hurting. The rookie desperately hung on and tried to find normal and a purpose. He wished he seen this then and not heaped more crap onto the load Dan carried. He still had a lot to make up for with the rookie.
Bram recognized Dan’s wounded soul and helped him, and the rest of the team change the way they treated him. Lexa was a big help too. Her conversations with Dan helped them all get to know him better. Jon realized now Lexa had barely scratched the surface of Dan. The rookie hid a deep and intricate world of hurts behind his shields.
As Scott leaned forward, Jon saw Scott press the med pump button. It was a good thing Scott recognized what the button was for. When Jon noticed a slight change in Dan’s tone, he tuned in closely to what Dan said.
Dan started sharing how he felt like he made a difference now and how he liked helping people up close. Dan expressed his elation when he saved the two men in the bank by connecting with them. He believed he was finally a worthy member of the team—able to something more than taking the lethal shot. Mostly Dan was happy he belonged and could begin to live—not just survive.
It pleased Jon immensely as Dan started on a positive path. Knowing the team was important to Dan, and he had a purpose in life was useful. Jon continued to vigilantly observe Dan for any little sign he was coming out of the strange state he remained trapped in.
Scott sighed softly when Dan talked about the TRF and how it gave him a renewed purpose. Dan needed that if he was going to pull through. It reminded Scott of when Adam had to move on from Sophia after her sudden death.
Adam grieved so hard for his fiancée that it changed him. When his cousin found a new purpose which gave his life meaning again, Scott was happy. Adam would understand what Dan dealt with now. Scott decided Adam would be the first one he called—he needed Adam’s help.
Dan’s unfocused eyes shifted and drilled into Jon’s eyes. His eyes focused as he said, “That’s … all … gone now. … Everything … I love … ripped … away … from me. One … bullet … from a … madman. … I can’t … do my … job with … lungs like … this. Why … is it … always … so hard? … Why … can’t … I … die?”
There is the question! It didn’t matter what it was. Dan finished talking. Next step, challenge him.
Jon gazed directly back at Dan and stated clearly and firmly, “Because you’re going to be okay. We won’t let you give up. You will rejoin the team and continue to make a difference. You’re going to prove the doctor wrong.”
The gauntlet thrown, Jon waited silently for it to be picked up. He maintained eye contact with Dan, not wavering one bit. Please let me read it in his eyes. Blaze said Dan’s acceptance would show in his eyes. He just has to ask me how.
Scott waited with baited breath watching the powerful stare-down. Silently, he urged Dan to ask a single question. Just one damned question. Come on you can do it. You’re so strong, Danny. Grab on to it. Please ask how.
Unable to tear his eyes away from his hard and demanding tactical lead, thoughts swirled in Dan’s mind. He challenged me. Why the hell did Jon challenge me over this? Is Jon sadistic? The doctor said I won’t have the stamina to do my job. It’s impossible. The doctor said there is significant damage. Why is Jon so cruel? I suppose it is just more shit on par with everything else in my life—constantly hurt. He only stared.
Dan couldn’t break away, and Jon didn’t break away either.
The doctor’s words rushed back in and tumbled over one another. Dan’s mind shifted them, putting them in the proper order, and comprehended them in the correct context. Aw shit! My brain twisted things again. The doctor said ‘don’t know,’ ‘I’ll help,’ ‘tough to change.’ He said ‘tough’ not ‘impossible.’ He said ‘only time will tell.’
Three things happened in quick succession.
A tiny spark ignited in Dan’s eyes.
His arms unlocked releasing his knees and his body unfurled.
Dan asked, “How?”
We Need a Tactical Plan
41
August 4
St. Michael’s Hospital – Tenth Floor – 5:30 a.m.
Heather stepped off the elevator happy this morning. She finished her shift, and on her way to visit with Dan assuming Patch would be there. Oh darn, Heather thought, I gotta change that. Jim, Jim, Jim she said in her head three times as memories of last Friday night came to mind.
They went on their first official date. Jim had been so attentive, and they had so much fun. Over dinner, he turned serious and told her ‘Heather, I really like you. I know this is quick, but I learned life can be short so to not waste time. I want a future with you.’
Overjoyed by his words because she felt the same way, she responded ‘Patch, I …,’ but that was as far as she got when he interrupted her. He said ‘Pa
tch is my past. Please call me Jim. I want a future with you and want to be called Jim now.’
Heather understood perfectly what he meant. All the time they spent together helping Dan, she could see the pain the past caused him. Jim needed to move forward. He loved Dan and the other guys and would always be there for them, but Jim needed to put the hurt of the things which happened over there away. He kissed her deeply then. Her lips tingled even now as she recalled their first passionate kiss.
She stopped at the nurse’s station and smiled broadly at Betty who suggested the meds pump. The elation the suggestion brought to Jim was palpable. Heather beamed brightly as she said, “Hello, Betty. Have you seen Jim and how’s our Dantastic doing?”
Heather registered concern on Betty’s face when she looked up from her paperwork. “Betty?”
Betty only shook her head sadly and pointed toward Dan’s room.
Heather hurried in that direction—something wasn’t right.
Betty dropped her head into her hands again. She arrived on shift at four to find a confusing and upsetting scene outside Dan’s room. None of the nurses were allowed to enter his room per Dr. Markson’s orders. The night nurse explained the doctor had told Dan he could never do his job again, and then Dan’s team barred everyone from the room.
His team had been locked in that room since five last night, but starting at about three forty this morning they trickled out looking overwrought. When she arrived, Betty found them in the hall sitting against the wall. She never witnessed a mix of those emotions on people’s face and sincerely wished she hadn’t seen them on Dan’s teammates and father.
St. Michael’s Hospital – Outside Room 1030 – 5:32 a.m.
Heather’s heart dropped to the floor. The looks on all their faces as they stared at Dan’s door scared the dickens out of her. Jim sat with an expression which was an odd mix of horror and pleading on his face like he was trapped in another time and place. Nick appeared like he was about to hurl, he was so white and still, and didn’t project any of his usual calming influence.
Loki’s eyes had a strange wild panic and faraway appearance to them. His arm slung over Ray’s shoulder while Ray seemed devastated as if something precious had been fragmented in too many pieces to mend.
Lexa wore blank expression and her arm around Bram’s shoulders. That was strange. Why is Lexa comforting Bram? She couldn’t see Bram’s face, it was down and buried in his hands. She noted the general’s jaw set tight in rage, but his eyes read sorrow. When she noticed his roughed-up knuckles, her eyes wandered to the wall. Whoa!
What would have caused these reactions? She knew Dan had trouble breathing, but he would be okay. Right? Was the damage even worse than the doctor suspected? Dan had woken up—he was alright, but their devastated countenances said something terrible happened.
A scary thought entered Heather’s mind, Dan didn’t ... no, he couldn’t be … he fought so hard. Afraid of the answer to the question which didn’t quite form, she forced herself step by step to approach Jim. She knelt in front of him and clasped her hands around his where they rested on top of his bent knees.
Jim registered someone in front of him. Warm, soft hands gently held his. He lifted his eyes and beheld a kind face. “Oh, Heather, he …” his shaky voice faintly said. He didn’t finish his statement—choked off by a sob.
Heather wrapped her arms around Jim and held him tightly. Tears fell from her eyes for two reasons. Seeing Jim in such distress and the implication of the words he got out. Heather held him as he quietly cried.
St. Michael’s Hospital – Room 1030 – 5:35 a.m.
After asking how and uncurling his body, Dan’s eyes lost contact with Jon. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.
Scott and Jon stared at each other across Dan’s been. Hooked! They hooked him. They had Dan on the line—now they had to reel him in delicately without losing him. It was a tenuous hold they had at the moment.
Elation quickly turned to uneasiness. Jon and Scott had focused on getting Dan to this point and failed to prepare an answer. The hook might be lost with one wrong word or emotion. Maintaining eye contact, Jon and Scott recognized the other scrambled to come up with something to say.
Scott ventured, “Dan, we’ll find a way. Your family, all of us want this for you as much as you want it. We won’t let you fail. Not gonna lie, it’ll be hard work, but I have never known a Broderick who is afraid of hard work when they have a goal to achieve.”
Dan didn’t realize Scott was in the room. Until now he thought only Jon was here. That is all his mind registered until Scott spoke. Dan glimpsed a potential reflection of himself as he took a quick glance at Scott. A weird thought entered his head. Will I look like that in eight years?
Agony rushed through him. Will I even be here in eight years? A large part of him still wanted to die. Part of him would be dead if he couldn’t return to the work which became his salvation, his path to living. Being half alive isn’t an option anymore. Been there, done that. Never gonna allow it to happen again. I either get back to work, or I end it this time.
Dan realized Scott must have heard everything he said. He didn’t know why he had to say it aloud—never thought he ever give voice to it again after telling the unit. Why did he have to say almost every damned inhumane, vicious, sadistic, and savage detail? Losing his grip of the present, his eyes glazed over as the horrific memories slid back in and tried to retake root in his mind.
Scott spotted Dan’s eyes glaze over and began to forcefully call to him. He could tell Dan was someplace else and it was bad—he needed to break Dan loose and bring him back to the present. He didn’t dare touch Danny in this state, Scott had no death wish. So, he called Dan’s name several times as he tried to get Dan to responded to him, “… focus on me? Dan!”
Gradually pulled back to the present, Dan caught his name. Panting for breath, his head pounded, and the room spun. As things came back into focus, Dan realized Scott called him—he wasn’t there.
Memories of there fresh in his mind, Dan feared looking at Scott. The only thing he wouldn’t be able to handle is shame of seeing pity in his cousin’s eyes. For Dan, there is no honor in pity—only disgrace and failure. If Scott showed any pity, Dan would end the relentless torture now—they couldn’t stop him.
Dan registered five ways he might end his life right now. Three would be quick and painless while two would be messy and a slow, painful death, but still effective. He prepared to act if he glimpsed pity. Dan turned his head and stared pointedly into Scott’s eyes, probing for his reaction.
Scott didn’t break eye contact with Dan once made—even as fear increased in the pit of his stomach at the intensity of Dan’s gaze. His cousin searched for something. Scott wasn’t sure what and he feared displaying the wrong emotion. So he iced all emotions and adopted an expressionless mask. He hoped it was the right thing to do.
Jon worried when he observed Dan glaze-over. He sat silently as Scott tried to drag Dan back to reality. He got the impression Dan’s thoughts turned dark. He detected an almost imperceptible flick of Dan’s eyes to several parts of the room before Dan connected with Scott’s eyes. As Dan scrutinized Scott, Jon noted Dan’s eyes narrowed and hooded taking on a wary appearance and his body looked ready to react almost like a caged animal preparing to attack.
He needed to break Dan’s dangerous train of thought. Adopting the persona and voice he used on critical calls, Jon said, “Dan, we need a tactical plan. One which gets you back to the team. Do you copy?”
The oddity of Jon’s words pulled Dan from his suicidal thoughts. He turned to face Jon—confusion evident as Dan asked, “A … tactical … plan … back … to the … team?”
Dan’s mind latched onto the concept with a vengeance. It was something familiar in the whirlpool of confusion he was caught in.
What a brilliant way to put it, Jon, Scott instantly thought. Dan’s mind excelled at strategy. A huge smile threatened to settle on his face, but Scott ta
mped it down and remained poker-faced. His watch beeped. He reset it and reached forward to press the button.
Dan caught his action and pinned him with an air of curiosity.
In a nonchalant voice, Scott said, “It was time. Gotta keep the pain in check so you can heal.”
Wholly confused, not sure what to think or say, Dan looked toward the window. Aw crap, his mind was all over the place like a fish trying to dislodge a hook by thrashing to and fro. The sun barely peeked over the horizon. Crap, how many more days did I lose? With Brody, it was three weeks.
Dan knew he was so fucked up right now. He closed his eyes trying to regain some semblance of balance. Thoughts ran wild and unchecked as he mentally grabbed onto three words ‘challenge’ and ‘tactical plan.’ Dan clung to those as his mind quieted and distilled his thoughts.
Jon challenged me to prove the doctors wrong. Jon wants me to have a tactical plan. Jon said I will be okay. Jon thinks I can do this and won’t let me give up. Jon wants me to return to the team. Whoa! Jon actually wants me on the team.
Wanting to stay in the rational world, Dan opened his eyes and focused on the sun rise until it was well above the horizon. Can I come out of the dark? Can I rise and see the light again? His throat too raw to speak again, Dan opted to point at the clock and gave Jon a questioning expression.
Jon perceived the internal struggle in Dan and was glad to see him point to the clock. Understanding, Jon said, “Only the one night. It was about five when we found you. Most of the team and your father were here until sometime around three thirty. It’s nearly six thirty now. I think the team and the general are still in the hall. Do you want them to come in and help with the tactical plan?”
He hoped Dan would say yes. The others needed to see Dan is beyond the talk section moving toward accepting the challenge.
Dan wanted them to come in but wondered why they left. Shit, no he didn’t wonder why. Brody told him what he did last time and the unit’s reactions. Oh crap, could he face them? Did they think he was broken and damaged, someone to be pitied? His thoughts started down the dark path again. Registering four more methods to off himself. Damn, this room is full of ways to go. It would be so easy to end it here and now.
