Bracken cupped her face and slid closer to her, their bodies aligned. His expression was intense. “I want to ask you something, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want.”
“Okay.” She pursed her lips, bracing herself for the unknown.
“Who’s Jenny?”
Bex stopped breathing. For a moment she simply stared at him, unmoving, unblinking. Her mind seemed to stop. Finally, she closed her eyes and rolled onto her back.
Bracken leaned over her and kissed her shoulder. “You don’t have to tell me, baby. I was just curious. All three times you’ve woken up gasping, you’ve mentioned her.”
“I don’t want to talk about her.”
“Okay,” he whispered, snuggling closer, wrapping his arm around her so that his body pressed into hers. He really was the kindest man she’d ever met. “Have you talked to Dr. Rawlins about her?”
“No.” Bex gritted her teeth and forced herself to breathe steadily. Inside she was having a panic attack.
Bracken lifted up, hovering over her. He cupped the side of her face again. “Look at me, Rebekah.”
She met his gaze, but she was struggling to breathe. She realized she couldn’t really see him. She wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Her vision swam. Flashes of her best friend came to mind. Jenny laughing while the two of them spun around and around on the metal merry-go-round at their neighborhood playground.
Bex could picture it like it was yesterday. The memory was so solid. The metal base was red with those raised bumps all over it. What were those for? The bars were yellow. Bex was stronger. She was usually the one to jump off and run alongside the large circle to build up speed again. Jenny’s head was tipped back. Her long blond hair was flying wildly through the air. Her cheeks were pink from the sun. Her laughter rang inside Bex’s head as if she were currently in the room and the two of them were once again ten years old.
“Bex.” Someone was calling her name. A man. Not Jenny. Not her mother. A man.
She blinked several times and then focused. She gasped when she saw the man hovering over her. His face was so close. His hand was on her neck. She couldn’t quite make out his features.
She screamed, scrambling to get away from him. She shoved against his chest, but she was stuck, tangled up in something. Trapped.
The man released her and helped her get free, pulling something away from her legs.
The moment she could move, she flailed her arms around, blocking her face as she found her footing and stood. When she spun around, she stopped dead. Her hands were up in front of her in a defensive position. Bracken was lying on the bed, lifted up on one elbow. His expression was filled with concern. His brows were drawn together, and she realized he was talking to her.
She shook free of the nightmare and pulled in a deep breath. “Oh, God.” She covered her face with her hands.
She was aware of Bracken easing to the edge of the bed next to her. He reached out tentatively and set his hands on her hips. When she didn’t fight him, he pulled her between his legs and then held her close. “Shhh,” he soothed, his hand running up and down her back. “You’re okay.”
“It’s never happened when I was awake,” she murmured.
“It was my fault.”
She dropped her hands and met his gaze. “It’s not your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have brought up your, uh, friend.”
Bex drew in a deep breath. “It’s like I was asleep. I left my body. I couldn’t even hear you. Your voice was muffled as if I were underwater.” She let out a sob.
He pulled her closer, kissed her forehead. “You’re okay now.”
She let him hold her for a long time, his fingers grazing her back. Finally, she admitted out loud what they both knew. “I need help.”
“Yes.”
“I thought I could handle it on my own.”
“I know, baby.”
“It won’t stop.”
“I know.”
She leaned back and met his gaze. “Why are you so nice to me?”
He smiled. “I’m kind of fond of you.”
“I’m a pain in the ass.”
“No, you’re not.”
She widened her eyes. “Come on.” She couldn’t hold back the sarcasm. “I’m a horrible girlfriend. You could pick someone with far less baggage. Someone who you could at least be having sex with.” Her voice rose.
He gave her a little shake. “I don’t want someone else. I want you. And we’re going to figure this out.”
“Are we? I can’t even talk about it. I don’t want to, Bracken. I’ve never wanted to. I thought I could stuff it down deep and go to the grave with it.”
“I know you did. I get that. But it turns out you can’t. And you’re never going to be able to breathe easy and move on with your life until you work through whatever it is and come out on the other side.”
“I’m not being fair to you,” she pointed out.
He shook his head. “I’ve never asked you for more than I have from you.”
She closed her eyes and groaned. “I’m scared.”
“I know you are, baby. I’m a little scared myself, but I’m here for you. I’ll help you figure this out any way you need me to. Okay?”
She bit her lip and looked at him. “I don’t know if it is okay, Bracken.” Her heart was racing. “I don’t know if it will ever be okay.”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
“Ugh,” she groaned.
“I’ve got some names of people we can call if you don’t like Dr. Rawlins.”
She shook her head. “Dr. Rawlins is fine. She’s very nice. I’m sure she suspects I’ve been holding back.”
“I’m sure she has figured that out. How about if you call her. See if she has any openings before next Friday. I’d hate to see you wait another week. I’ll even go with you if you want. Or I won’t if you’d prefer. Or I can wait outside in the waiting room so you’ll have someone to drive you. Whatever you want.”
Bex slouched against him, boneless. She let him pull her onto his lap and rock her gently back and forth. “Okay. I’ll do it. Will you call her?”
“Of course. Why don’t you take a shower? I’ll go make us some breakfast and call her.”
Bex nodded against him. She wasn’t sure she could remember how to shower. That’s how close she was to a full-on panic attack. The kind she’d had in high school. The kind she’d avoided for so many years until five weeks ago.
Bracken helped her to her feet and spun her around. “Shower. I’ll make coffee.”
He didn’t move from his spot on the bed while she padded to the bathroom and shut the door. Alone, she leaned against the vanity and stared at herself in the mirror. She looked awful. Her nightmare was becoming a reality. Could she do this? Talk to someone about her skeletons?
It was clear she had no choice. It was this or have no life at all. It wasn’t going away. Not without help. What if Dr. Rawlins couldn’t make it end either? That thought scared her to death.
She had to do this. For herself and for Bracken. She was stuck in a weird existence. He was so very kind, but she wasn’t sure how long he could be expected to tiptoe around her while she kept her secret and it festered inside.
She was falling in love with him. At least that’s what she thought this foreign feeling was. And it wasn’t fair to expect him to keep tiptoeing around her fucked-up issues.
Somehow she managed to shower and dress in her favorite comfy jeans and a fitted white T-shirt. Her hair was still wet and she hadn’t put on any makeup when she entered the kitchen.
Bracken had made coffee and already prepared hers the way she liked it. He pulled out a chair for her. “Sit. You need to eat something.” There was a plate of banana bread and coffee cake on the table, both items they’d made yesterday. Two of the growing list of desserts they had added to the number of possible things she could somehow sell. She wasn’t sure to whom yet, but they were working on the possibilities.
She picked up a piece of banana bread. It had tasted amazing yesterday. Today it seemed flavorless. She knew it wasn’t the bread. It was her nerves dulling her tastebuds. She wasn’t sure if Bracken had called Dr. Rawlins yet, but figured he probably had left a message.
After she managed to force one slice of banana bread down and sip most of her coffee, he met her gaze and reached over to clasp her hand. “Dr. Rawlins had a cancelation this morning at eleven. She said she could go over an hour if necessary. Her next appointment isn’t until one.”
Bex drew in a shaky breath. “Today.”
“Yes. Eleven,” he repeated. “You can do this.”
She glanced at the clock. “In an hour.”
“Yes. I’ll drive you.” He looked worried.
She nodded, numb, scared, holding back a panic attack. “Okay.” She could do this. She had to. Her mental stability was at risk. Her relationship was too. And what about her friends? She’d stopped talking to almost everyone, including her roommate. She knew they were worried about her. They all thought she was having a hard time dealing with the airplane event. She let them believe that out of self-preservation.
After brushing her teeth and going through the motions of drying her hair and finding her shoes, she dropped onto the couch while Bracken took a quick shower. He met her in the living room and crouched in front of her, his hands on her thighs. “I don’t want you to feel like I pressured you to do this. I just want you to get better. There’s no other way. You need outside help. If I thought I could manage it on my own, I’d ask you to please talk to me, but I’m worried I won’t have the answers. I’m not a psychologist.”
She nodded. “I know.” He was right. She owed him this. All or nothing. If everything blew up and she ruined the best thing that had ever happened to her, at least she could say she’d tried. There was no other choice. “Let’s do this.”
Chapter 15
Bracken had never been more nervous in his life. He kept glancing at Bex on the drive to the counselor’s office. She was wringing her hands in her lap, and every once in a while, she sucked in a deep breath as if she hadn’t breathed in a while. As if she’d forgotten to pull oxygen into her lungs.
This was a huge gamble. It could backfire on him. She might resent him for badgering her to do this. On top of that, he had no earthy idea what he was asking of her. He didn’t have enough information. He could assume Jenny was a friend from a long time ago. He could assume she was no longer living. That was about it. And even those two things could be wrong.
Hell, maybe Jenny was a pet goldfish. Not likely.
Yeah. He was freaking out inside, but he forced himself to keep it together on the outside, for Bex. She needed someone to be her rock right now, and he was more than happy to be that someone. It was important. It was holding her back in life. It was holding them back as a couple.
They’d spent a great deal of time together, night and day for three weeks now. They’d baked dozens of things. He’d worked a few hours every day, but his friends understood he was in the middle of a small crisis he couldn’t discuss. None of them mentioned a word. As if they grasped how important it was that he spend time with Bex right now.
He’d taken her out to dinner and lunch a bunch of times. They’d gone to the movies and watched movies at home. They’d done all the things people do when they’re dating on a fast track since they had the free time to date every single day.
His resolve to insist she was too young for him was slipping away. Dissolving. Hell, he’d even begun to feel younger—like he was only thirty-nine and not seventy-two, like the guys joked he acted sometimes. She brought it out in him. Every time he pictured not being with her, his heart clenched. There was no way he could let her go. No matter how selfish he was being.
Anyone who saw them would think they’d been together for years. It felt that way sometimes. Except for one giant elephant. They hadn’t had sex.
Not that he didn’t want to. He thought about it every damn day. But then he reminded himself Bex had too much on her plate. She was dealing with something huge. Now wasn’t the time to take that last step.
It wasn’t as though he wasn’t familiar with every inch of her body and her with his. They frequently spent evenings in the hot tub repeating the first night’s performance. It was their haven of sorts. They could slide under the bubbles in the dark and explore each other’s bodies without really seeing one another. Without fully consummating their relationship. It seemed like they stepped out of themselves during those hours and left the real world to escape and take some pleasure.
Bex was gorgeous when she came. Every time. The look on her face was always as if it were her first orgasm. She was truly lovely when she found herself stunned by the experience.
He’d purchased her six different vibrators, but he hadn’t given them to her yet. It didn’t seem appropriate. And besides, he wanted to be the one to introduce her to them. Maybe that too was selfish, but he preferred to wait for the time when she would fully expose her naked body to him, really open up, spread on his bed, legs parted. He wanted to taste her. He wanted to thrust his tongue into her until she screamed.
He wanted to take her over the edge and then enter her with his cock and show her just how good it could be. After he had his fill, he would introduce her to the pleasure of a vibrator.
When he pulled into the parking lot of the counselor’s office, he shook thoughts of sex from his head. He needed to focus on Bex and her mental health right now. Without this, there would be no sex.
She remained in her seat as he rounded the car and opened the passenger door. She hadn’t even taken off her seatbelt. When he reached across and unfastened it, she looked startled, as if she hadn’t realized they’d arrived.
“Ready?” he asked gently, reaching out with one hand.
She set her fingers on his palm and nodded.
There was no one in the waiting room, and that fact eased him a bit because he figured it would calm her too. Whoever usually worked behind the receptionist’s desk wasn’t there today. It was Saturday. It was probable that Dr. Rawlins worked alone for a few hours on Saturdays.
The door to her inner office was open slightly, and she came out as soon as she heard them.
This was the first time Bracken was meeting her. She was about his age, maybe a few years older. She had a dark bob, dark lashes, and a warm smile. She reached out a hand. “You must be Bracken.”
He shook her hand. “Yes. Thank you for fitting Bex in with such short notice, Dr. Rawlins.”
“No problem at all. I’m glad I could do it. And please, call me Jane.” She turned her gaze to Bex, who was breathing erratically beside Bracken. She looked like she’d rather run from the room.
Dr. Rawlins spoke again. “Would you like Bracken to join us? It’s totally up to you. He can wait out here, or we can send him away to get coffee, or he’s welcome to join us. Your call.”
“I’d like him to join us, please. I need to say some things, and I only want to say them once.”
“All right then. Come on in.” Dr. Rawlins turned and held the door open wide, stepping aside so the two of them could enter. “Sit wherever you’d like,” she said as she shut the door.
Bracken was surprised when Bex slid her hand into his and led him to the couch. She sat in the corner, pulling him down alongside her. Apparently, she wanted him close. He was beyond okay with that.
Bex released him though, pulled her legs up, and set her chin on her knees, her hands wrapped around her shins. She rocked forward and backward slightly. Her gaze was fixed on the floor, though he doubted she was seeing anything in particular.
Dr. Rawlins glanced at Bracken in concern as she sat across from them in an armchair. “Did something happen?”
Bracken shifted his gaze to Bex. He needed to let her do the speaking. He was here for moral support. He had no intention of directing or hijacking her session.
“Did you have another nightmare last night? You said you usually do on
Fridays after we meet,” Dr. Rawlins encouraged.
“Yes.” Bex’s voice was weak, and she sighed. “And then again this morning, while I was awake.”
Dr. Rawlins furrowed her brow in confusion.
“It was like I was dreaming, but I was awake.”
Dr. Rawlins shifted her gaze to Bracken. “Did you witness this?”
“Yes. It was exactly like she said. One moment we were talking, and the next moment she wasn’t there. Like in a trance. She couldn’t hear me, and she wasn’t breathing. It scares me when she does that.”
“When she doesn’t breathe?”
“Yes.”
Dr. Rawlins nodded and turned back toward Bex. “Did something trigger you?”
Bex nodded. “Just that Bracken was encouraging me to call you and open up more.”
“I see. And that made you panic?”
“Yes. I guess.” Bex slid one hand to her throat as she often did when she had one of these nightmares.
Bracken hoped she wasn’t going to have another episode again right now, but then again, maybe that would be for the best. Let Dr. Rawlins see it firsthand.
Long moments of silence ticked by. Dr. Rawlins sat very still watching Bex, letting her take her time.
Finally, Bex spoke in a soft voice. “My problems have nothing to do with what happened on the plane.”
“I assumed as much, Bex. I could sense it.” Dr. Rawlins was very kind and patient. Bracken liked her. She was a good choice. “Sometimes an event can trigger something from the past. The two may seem unrelated, but they have some similar characteristics. I’ve had patients remember things they’d long since forgotten after a traumatic experience.”
“I’ve never forgotten,” Bex responded without hesitating.
“Okay. Would you like to tell me about it?”
Bracken felt so helpless. He needed to be here for Bex. Strong. Keep it together. What he wanted to do was pull her into his lap and hold her. He wished she didn’t have to do this. Face this fucking demon. But he had to keep himself at arm’s length, let her run this show.
More time passed while Bex rocked back and forth, eyeing that spot on the floor. He grew worried she would change her mind and run from the room, and then finally she spoke. “She was my best friend.” A tear ran down her face.
Nonstop (Open Skies Book 3) Page 9
