Dr. Rawlins waited a moment and then asked. “What was her name?”
“Jenny.” A few seconds and then, “We met in kindergarten. We were inseparable. Sleepovers every weekend at her house or mine. She was like a sister. My parents said they had two daughters instead of one. So did hers.” Bex smiled a little, but then her face dropped and she sucked in a breath.
Bracken was beyond certain of two things. Jenny was dead and Bex had been there when it happened.
“We went to a party that night. We were sixteen. I’d just gotten my license. We thought we were so old.”
Dr. Rawlins smiled gently. “We all think we are old when we reach sixteen, don’t we?” A few seconds went by again. “Where was the party?”
“At a friend’s house. Her parents were out of town. It was crowded. The typical teenage party with far too many people. Underage drinking. People making out all over the house. It was the first time we’d gone to one of these.”
Bracken suspected it was also the last. Fuck.
“Our high school was kind of large, but I was still surprised to see several people we didn’t know.” Bex lifted her hands and ran them over her face before clasping them in front of her. She didn’t lower her legs but at least she wasn’t balled up quite as tight. Or maybe this was worse. What did he know?
“These two guys were flirting with us. We had no experience with guys. We were both late bloomers. We’d spent ten years often just the two of us. We’d sometimes point out cute guys at lunch, but we hadn’t dated yet.”
Dr. Rawlins swallowed, as visibly concerned as Bracken was with the path they were headed down, but she said nothing, and Bex wasn’t looking at her, so she wasn’t aware of her reaction.
“We shouldn’t have left the living room with them. They weren’t even from our school. They were from another high school. Why did we leave the room?” A tear ran down her face, but she made no move to wipe it away.
Bracken’s heart was breaking. He wanted to run from this office. Run ten miles. He would do anything to stop this train wreck, but the only way to stop it was for it to never have happened in the first place.
He was a grown man. He’d seen a lot of horror in his chosen career. More than he cared to remember. But none had ever come this close to his own door and touched him like this.
Dr. Rawlins spoke. “You were young, Bex. It was a party. You said it was crowded. Whatever happened you couldn’t have anticipated.”
Bex nodded slightly. More tears fell.
“What happened next?” Dr. Rawlins prompted.
Bex swallowed, her spine stiffening as if she was going to spew it all out there on a breath. “We went into a guest room, giggling, flirting, talking. We both thought we were just going to make out with these guys. Get our first kisses out of the way at the same time.”
More tears fell.
Bracken wanted to touch her so badly, but he held himself in check.
Bex set her hands on her head and sobbed. “I want to go back in time and not go into that room.”
“I know you do, Bex,” Dr. Rawlins soothed. “I wish you could. Can you tell us what happened?”
Bex looked like she might explode and run from the room again, but she finally drew in a breath. “As soon as they shut the door, I knew something was wrong. One of them locked the door and then slammed me against the wall. It happened so fast. He held me with one hand over my mouth and the other tight against my throat. I tried to scream, but I couldn’t.”
Now Bracken understood why Bex always seemed like she couldn’t breathe. He wanted to kill two teenage boys right about now. He fisted his hands at his sides and forced himself to remain outwardly calm. Inside he was screaming.
“I was so scared. And then he stepped to the side and angled my face so that I could see Jenny. The other guy had shoved her onto the bed. He was on top of her, straddling her. His hand over her mouth too. She was fighting him with all her strength, but he was too big. Too strong.” Bex screamed out in frustration. “Why did we go with them?” She jerked her gaze to Dr. Rawlins. “Why?”
“You didn’t know, Bex. You had no way of knowing. You said yourself the party was crowded. No one would suspect anything would happen like that at a crowded party with so many people around.”
“Ugh,” she shouted in anger. She jumped to her feet now, shocking Bracken who didn’t move.
She paced toward the window, her hands on her head. When she spun around, she was not looking at either of them, and she spoke as if she were watching that damn scene unfold. “He fucking made me watch. That asshole fucking held me against the wall and made me watch while his friend yanked off Jenny’s clothes. He stripped her naked and kept slapping her hard in the face. He kept telling her to be quiet or he would kill her. She had no choice but to do as he said. When she tried to scramble away, he yanked her back under him. He pinned her to the bed, jerked his jeans down a few inches, and then he raped her. My best friend. He raped her right in front of me. He kept pounding into her over and over and over. She wasn’t moving. She stopped fighting him. I thought she was dead.” Her words kept coming faster and faster in a rush.
Bracken couldn’t breathe. He’d suspected all of this, but hearing it was so much worse.
“And his friend, the guy holding me, kept talking. He kept telling me that I was next. That I would watch Jenny get her cunt filled and then it would be my turn. He said they were going to switch back and forth. That they were both going to fuck us until they were too tired to stand.”
Bracken wasn’t sure his heart could stand this. He hurt so badly for the woman he was falling in love with. He was afraid to hear what happened next because he didn’t think Bex had been raped. Something about her tone and what he knew about her told him this story was about to end.
“I thought she was dead, but maybe she just shut down. She wasn’t moving. She just let him jerk her across the bed over and over while he raped her. I couldn’t see her eyes, but I didn’t know why she wasn’t moving. When he finally pulled out and leaned back, she suddenly lifted a hand and punched him right in the jaw. She screamed as loud as she could.”
Bex grabbed her throat in a motion Bracken was growing used to. Throughout this entire nightmare, the other guy had been holding her by the throat. “I was so stunned to realize she was still alive, though I don’t know why I thought she was dead. There hadn’t been a good reason. But suddenly, everything changed. The guy holding me gripped me even tighter. My feet were barely touching the ground, and his other hand was over my mouth, blocking my nose. I couldn’t breathe. And then his friend was angry. He lifted Jenny off the bed like a rag doll and slammed her head into the headboard.”
Bracken gasped, unable to stop himself.
Bex didn’t seem to notice. “I heard the crack. Her eyes went wide for just a second and then nothing. Blood. So much blood. It poured out of the back of her skull. And the guy kept shaking her. He shook her so hard. But she was really dead by then. Her body was so limp and all I could see was the red blood because my tears were falling so hard and so fast and I couldn’t wipe them away and the other guy was holding me tighter and tighter.”
Bex was sobbing now. Sucking in air and sobbing over and over. She stood rigid, swiping her face to no avail.
“What happened next, Bex?” Dr. Rawlins encouraged.
Bex’s voice was calmer. “I blacked out. I woke up the next day in the hospital.” Another sob.
Dr. Rawlins pulled some tissues from a box and lifted them out toward Bracken. He was surprised, but realized the doctor thought it would be best if he went to Bex. Without hesitating, he shoved off the couch, grabbed the tissues, and crossed the room to reach Bex.
He pulled her into his arms, ignoring the tissues. He needed to hold her against him as tightly as possible. To hell with his shirt. So what if she cried all over him?
Eventually, he managed to lure her back to the couch where he sat with her next to him, holding her against his side. “I’m so sorry, baby
,” he murmured, trying to remain calm for her.
“She’s gone,” Bex murmured. “My best friend died and I couldn’t stop it.”
Light bulbs went off. Bex had found herself in a similar situation on the airplane five weeks ago. Christa had been the one taken by the trafficker. Bex had watched completely helpless while the man held her hostage. Bracken couldn’t imagine how traumatic that must have been for Bex.
Dr. Rawlins let everyone sit with their thoughts for a few minutes. Bracken suspected she was rattled. Finally, she cleared her throat. “Did you see a counselor after this happened, Bex?”
“Yeah,” Bex murmured. “For a while, but mostly I just sat in his office and stared out the window. I wanted to die. It wasn’t fair that Jenny died and I didn’t. And my parents…they’re kind of religious…not that that matters much I don’t think, but they thought if I just went to church more often God would help me get through this.”
Bracken cringed. As did Dr. Rawlins, he noticed. Bex wasn’t looking.
“I kept telling my parents I didn’t want to see the counselor anymore. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to be left alone. And I think my mother thought if we stopped talking about it all the time, I would be able to move on. So, that was the plan. We moved two months later to another town where no one knew what had happened to me. I never went back to high school though. I rarely left the house. I got my GED from home. My mother just told people that I was homeschooled. My parents did their best. They tried. I wasn’t open to anything else.”
“But you went to college eventually. How did you manage that?” Dr. Rawlins asked.
Bex shrugged, still gripping Bracken’s shirt in her fist. “I stuffed it all down deep. I knew I had no choice. If I was going to live, I had to find a way to get my life back on track. So, I did. Or I pretended, I guess.” She tipped her head back to meet Bracken’s gaze. “Minus the dating and stuff.”
He gave her a squeeze and kissed her forehead.
“So, you didn’t date?” Dr. Rawlins asked.
Bex shrugged. “Eventually I came out of my shell enough to go on dates, but usually just one. Rarely two or three with the same guy. I always felt like I was out of my body. Not really participating. Until I met Bracken.”
Dr. Rawlins smiled. “You’re a lucky woman then. He seems to really care about you.”
“He’s very patient.” She smiled up at Bracken, making his heart soar. He needed to put on a brave face for her. She’d been through a lot, and she needed his support. Throwing things against the wall and screaming in frustration for what those assholes did wasn’t going to help.
“What happened to the boys?” Bracken asked, hating to bring up this subject.
“They’re in prison. Life without parole. I try not to think about them.”
“Does that give you some closure?” Dr. Rawlins asked.
Bex shrugged. “I don’t know. They aren’t really people to me. I was in no state of mind to even attend the trial. Luckily, they were convicted without my physical presence. I made numerous statements on the record. They had the police report I filed when I woke up in the hospital. Apparently, two other guys busted into the room and saw what had happened. They both testified. And the guys who did this pleaded guilty.”
“That’s good. I’m glad you didn’t have to testify in court. That can be very traumatic. However, it’s obvious that you never fully dealt with the pain and the guilt.”
“I guess. I didn’t want to. I still don’t want to.”
“Understandable, but you need to in order to move on. It’s hanging over you, controlling your life. You can’t give those two thugs your power any longer,” Dr. Rawlins said.
Bracken was extremely grateful that Bex had decided to talk to the psychologist instead of him alone. He didn’t have the skills to have handled this right. He was also glad that Bex had invited him to sit in on this session. Making her relive this once was bad enough.
Dr. Rawlins continued. “You have amazing survivor skills, Bex. Most people couldn’t have coped like you did. Even though you didn’t work through the pain properly because you didn’t have the right help you needed, you still managed to finish school, go to college, and hold down a full-time job for all these years. Who knows how long you might have gone without a snag if you hadn’t been forced to watch yet another friend held hostage? I believe eventually it would have caught up with you at some point anyway.”
Bex nodded.
“It’s going to take some work to let go of the guilt and move on with your life, but you can do this, Bex.”
Bex nodded again. “I have to.” She squeezed Bracken. “I want a normal life.”
“So, we’ll get to work on that and make it happen. This was a huge step for you, Bex. I promise you’ll feel better every week. You need to purge it out, deal with the emotions that never got dealt with. Eventually, the nightmares will be fewer and farther apart. It will get better. One day at a time.”
“Thank you.”
“I think that’s enough for today. It’s a lot. You’re exhausted. Don’t be surprised if you need to sleep a lot in the next few weeks. You need the rest. I’d like you to come in twice a week for a while. Let’s start with Tuesday and Friday.”
“Okay.”
They all stood. Bracken thanked Dr. Rawlins for squeezing them into her schedule today and then he led Bex out to the SUV. Before opening her door, he hugged her close in the vacant parking lot. He didn’t want to let her go, not even long enough to drive her home.
She hugged him back.
Finally, he tipped her face back and met her gaze. “Thank you for letting me come to your session. Thank you for trusting me enough to share all of that. You’re very brave and strong, and I know you can learn the coping skills to take back your power.”
She smiled. “Thank you for your patience and for being there for me. I know it’s not easy. I’m not easy. And I’m humbled that you’re still with me.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”
Chapter 16
Bex slept all afternoon, most of the night, and half of Sunday. She was drained as if she were recovering from an illness. She woke up in a cold sweat sometimes, but surprisingly not as dramatically as she’d grown accustomed to. She might gasp, but she quickly realized where she was and didn’t succumb to a full panic.
Bracken was amazing. He treated her like spun gold. She wasn’t sure how she could have done any of this without him. If she hadn’t met him, she probably would have spent the past five weeks curled up in a ball in her condo slowly withering away.
Bracken also didn’t ask her to talk about it. He never mentioned what she’d told him at all, which she was grateful for. She really didn’t want to discuss it again yet.
On Tuesday she saw Dr. Rawlins again. This visit was far less stressful. They discussed coping strategies and Dr. Rawlins reiterated that nothing that happened had been Bex’s fault. Intellectually, she understood this. It was logical. It didn’t keep her from running down a series of what-ifs.
Likewise, she applied those same what-ifs to what happened to Christa. What if Bex had stayed in the back of the plane and Christa had gone to get the air marshal? What if Bex had tried to fight the guy? What if Bex had screamed louder?
So many questions. None of them answerable. None of them mattered. What was done was done. Thank God Christa lived through the incident and appeared to be emotionally recovering faster than Bex.
Bex had yet to tell her boss or any of her friends that she wouldn’t be returning to work. Hell, she had yet to completely internalize this concept herself.
Bracken set a hand on Bex’s shoulder, capturing her attention. She was sitting in the corner of his couch, staring into space, thinking. She hadn’t noticed that the sun had gone down and it had grown dark in the room and she was sitting in dim lighting.
Bracken slid onto the sofa next to her. “You okay?”
She sighed. “I was just thinking about what the
hell I’m going to do next. I feel panicky every time I picture myself working for Open Skies. On the one hand, it seems incomprehensible. On the other hand, I shouldn’t quit my job until I have another one lined up. I need to suck it up and get back on the plane.”
She shuddered. Who was she kidding?
“Don’t beat yourself up over the job. If you’re not feeling it, take a few more weeks off or give your notice.”
She glanced at her hands, wringing her fingers together. “I feel like a failure.”
He grabbed her hands and squeezed. “You’re not a failure. People quit their jobs every day.”
“Not because they can’t emotionally handle returning.” She groaned.
“Sure, they do. You’re not the first person to suffer a traumatic experience and not return to the place where it happened.”
He had a point. “I can’t just sit on your couch for weeks on end not working. I’m going to need to pay bills. The airline is going to stop paying me soon.”
Bracken nodded. “You’ve got a little wiggle room for now, and I’ll help you out if you get in a bind.”
She tipped her head back and stared at the ceiling. “You can’t do that. You hardly know me.”
He stiffened as his breath hitched. A moment later, he released her hands and shoved back, putting some space between them. He leaned forward, setting his elbows on his knees. “Is that what you really think?” he finally asked in a soft voice she’d never heard before.
She stared at his profile, realizing he was mad. She’d never seen him angry. “I just mean that we’ve only known each other a few weeks, and…”
He pushed to standing and walked away, leaving her sitting alone on the couch in the now completely dark room. He walked through the kitchen, and she heard him open the sliding door. He’d gone outside.
Shit. Had she insulted him? Apparently.
She sat there for several more minutes, unsure of what to do or say. Confrontation wasn’t one of her strong suits, but she needed to apologize. Finally, she rose and followed in his path, finding him on the back patio, sitting on one of the Adirondack chairs in the dark, staring at the sky.
Nonstop (Open Skies Book 3) Page 10
