War of the Damned Boxed Set

by Michael Todd

  Precisely.

  Katie sighed. But it’s not just medicine or something simple, of course. It’s like a full-on fucking riddle. I hate shit like this. You know I hate shit like this.

  Pandora chuckled. Hey, I didn’t do this to him. He did it to himself. I don’t know any more than you do at this point. Look at it this way. The character he was portraying actually dies in the storyline, so you gave him an honorable ending.

  I should be happy he’s sticking to the video game script? That’s idiotic.

  Don’t be a bitch. I’m trying to be positive here. It might pump up the gamers out there! Maybe we’ll get some new fans.

  Fans. Fuck me. Katie rolled her eyes, looking down at the people walking along below. Every time she did that, a needle of jealousy stung her. They were living their unassuming lives with no knowledge of how bad things really were. They enjoyed the news reports and used social media to spout off their thoughts on the war, but that was it. They really knew nothing more than the media and the government offered them.

  Pandora sniffed. You know you wouldn’t be happy down there with them. You would be damn miserable, actually.

  Katie pulled her knees to her chest. At least I wouldn’t be trying to figure out how to bring a Leviathan back to life. Who, by the way, happens to be chilling in a freezer because he needs to be a certain temperature. We have a Leviathan in a walk-in freezer, Pandora. Do you not find anything about that odd?

  Pandora laughed. Hey, at least he gets to enjoy some peace and quiet for a little while. We know while he’s cryogenic we won’t have to worry about him murdering buttloads of people.

  I thought we got over that fear.

  He was a bloodthirsty conqueror for a couple of millennia before he took up video games and fucking demons up.

  I wasn’t aware that a little frostbite and a coma would cause him to revert straight back to Juntto, Total Dick.

  This isn’t an exact science.

  Katie looked bewildered. We are talking about bringing a non-human, non-demon being back to life after he curled up and dusted off. In the meantime, we’re throwing funerals, I have an empty casket, and now I’ve got a hell of a lot more questions than I do answers.

  Pandora snickered. When we get him back, you should tell him he has to do paperwork.

  If we get him back, and that is a big if. There are so many things this could have been, and it’s not like we have a Leviathan practitioner available. We’re taking care of him as best we can. For all we know, the cold and lack of food could literally be draining what little life he has left in his body.

  Katie slapped her hand on the roof and shook her head. She absolutely hated not having any idea how to wake Juntto from the coma. On top of that, she felt terrible for putting Angie through the ringer. Katie hadn’t even told her Juntto was still alive until after the service in the city that day. That was when they’d moved him to the freezer section at a local butcher, not trusting the scientist not to carve him up. Katie had paid a shitload of money to exclusively use his freezer until they could get the frost giant moved to a secure facility. But where would they move him? He was huge, and the government was definitely not set up for something like that.

  Katie groaned, leaning back on her hands to see the barely visible stars overhead. What the hell is the answer to this?

  Pandora made a clicking sound, thinking. We could always go back to his basic instincts.

  I don’t think killing a bunch of people in a bar is going to help this.

  Pandora giggled. Not that part. I’m talking about booze and broads. That always got his attention. It has been a while since he’s had broads, and he hasn’t overindulged in booze since we picked him up.

  Katie shook her head and sat up. I would never ask anyone to do something I wouldn’t do. If the requirement is me screwing Juntto, he just might stay in the freezer for a long damned time. I’m talking icicles growing off him, black appendages, no-longer-has-a-smell long time. They’ll be serving meat around his ass.

  Pandora snickered. That would be quite comical. The locals going in the freezer and high-fiving the frozen guy as they grab a rack of lamb. Can you imagine him waking up in a locker full of frozen meat and vegetables? He wouldn’t have a clue what was going on.

  Katie couldn’t help but smile and then groan. There has to be something we’re missing. I need help with this.

  Pandora went silent for a moment before realizing what she meant. Oh. Oh, no. Please don’t do this to me. All he’s going to do is pile more riddles on top of the ones we have.

  He’s been helpful in the past.

  Barely. If you want vague bullshit, I’ve got vague bullshit. A dong in the hand is worth two in the bush. See? It’s easy. How do you bang a horny demon? Carefully. Damn, I’m good at this. What’s the difference between a left boob and a right boob? The right one is a little bigger. Not sure why since I’m making it up as I go.

  Katie rubbed her hands together and closed her eyes. “Gabriel, a little help here would be nice.”

  Pandora growled. And she did it anyway—bringing in the backup when it’s not even helpful. I mean, do you actually think he will show up this time? He never comes when you call him.

  A voice said from behind them, “Hello, ladies.”

  Pandora winced. The one damn time…

  Katie stood up, wiping her hands on her legs. “Gabriel. You came.”

  Gabriel smiled. “I’m not always indisposed. Besides, you seem to be coming up with some answers that might be a little less than comforting to the Big Guy.”

  Pandora scoffed. Please, anything but washing feet and feeding the poor is uncomfortable for him.

  Gabriel kept a smile on his face, not replying to Pandora even though he could hear her. “What can I help you with?”

  Fly away and come back with some donuts, angel-boy.

  Katie bit her bottom lip. “I’m sure you know what’s happened. Now we need to wake Juntto, but we have no idea how to do that. We’ve racked our brains, but he’s kind of a hard one to figure out. I don’t know a lot about his kind, and Pandora has told me everything she knows, which isn’t much more.”

  Angel-boy flies to the rescue, and you throw me under the bus. That’s cold.

  Gabriel crossed his arms on his chest and nodded knowingly. “I see. Well, think about this.”

  Pandora sighed. Here it comes. This better be fucking helpful.

  Gabriel rubbed his hand on his chin. “What does that power rabbit need?”

  Katie just blinked at him, and Pandora screamed in frustration. I knew it. I fucking knew it. I told you not to call him down here. All he was going to do was give you some stupid riddle to make the whole thing even more confusing. For all we know, he needs a blanket and a fucking glass of milk. Katie, I need you to give me permission to exit your body.

  Katie found herself agreeing with Pandora. Screw it. Knock yourself out.

  Pandora mustered her strength and focus and stepped out of Katie’s body. Katie stumbled to one side and put her hand on the half-wall beside her to steady herself. She was prepared to see the dark beauty of Pandora’s naked demon body, but that wasn’t what she saw. Standing there was Pandora in a human form with long, flowing black hair and actual clothes on. She looked like every other human, except that her body was perfect. Her top was a little revealing, but that was to be expected.

  Pandora advanced on Gabriel, shaking her finger. “Why do you have to be such an ass? Did God give you some magical command to talk like a fucking Batman villain? Is this payback for my fall from grace? Your help is about as useless as a knitted condom. Seriously, shit just seeps right through the cracks, and we’re left with your fucking crap. We’re already trying to solve a riddle, and you give us more fucking riddles. Are we supposed to use your riddle to un-fuck our original riddle? Now I’ve said riddle so many times I don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about anymore! You happy? Huh? You get your rocks off doing this?”

  Gabriel lifted his
eyebrows as Pandora continued her rant. Katie tried not to snicker. Gabriel leaned toward Katie and whispered loud enough for Pandora to hear him, “The outside has changed, but it’s still the same Lilith on the inside.”

  Pandora leaned over and tapped him hard on the forehead. He took a deep breath, his animated face going blank. “Not done with you, so stop talking to the one who’s admiring my ass.”

  Katie’s head popped to the side from behind Pandora. “Hey! I’m right here, and I can hear you. Besides, I’m just checking out this lack-of-tail thing you’ve got going on. You always had a nice ass, but without the tail, it’s like a perfect peach.”

  “Aw, sugar, thanks.” She narrowed her eyes. “Wait, don’t compliment me mid-rant. It’s throwing me off my game.”

  “I’m in awe of it. Really. Why do you not always do this? You might be able to trick the demons.”

  Pandora looked over her shoulder. “Believe it or not, it’s harder to maintain this than it is to just come out in full form. Besides, when I’m fighting demons, they won’t be offended by my tail. Some of them have their own. It’s kind of a thing in hell. Like ‘who has the nicest rack,’ but with tails instead.”

  Katie wrinkled her nose. “I don’t like that at all. How do you even judge that? Wait, what does it matter now? I mean, it’s not like Gabriel here doesn’t know what you are.”

  Pandora sighed at Katie, who was tilting her head to the side as she looked at Pandora’s tail-less ass. “If I looked like a demon, Gabby here wouldn’t listen to my point. Angels tend to judge a message by the messenger.” She pointed a well-manicured nail at Gabriel. “This has always been hilarious to me, considering your little holy book talks about Jesus not judging anyone. You’re the worst of them all.”

  Gabriel shrugged. “We work for God, not Jesus. And I’m sure if you read the good book, you’d see that God pretty much judges everyone. You of all people should know that.”

  Pandora narrowed her eyes at him. “Personally I think it’s you being lazy. You choose not to look past my outward appearance, even though you know I have little to do with how I look in black scales. That form was given to me when I married Lucifer. Still, you make snap judgments. Maybe it’s easier for you. Maybe it’s sheer laziness. You want in and out of a situation as fast as possible.”

  Gabriel shook his head. “It’s expediency, not laziness. If you’re a demon, do I really think anything you say is going to be the truth? I can’t trust you.”

  Pandora put her hands on her hips. “Until this point, I have gone out of my way to be trustworthy. Think back a little. I should get a gold star, but you just give me shit. You could be respectful and fucking helpful, even if I were standing here in scales.”

  Gabriel crossed his arms. “You called me, not the other way around. Let’s be perfectly clear on that. And look, I am standing here listening to everything you’re saying, even though nothing pertinent or even intelligent has come out.”

  “What-the-fuck-ever,” Pandora growled, closing her eyes and taking deep breaths to combat the anger surging through her.

  Katie stepped between them and eyed Pandora. “You gonna explode?”

  Pandora shook her head and finally opened her eyes, stepping right in front of Gabriel. “What we have here is a Damned war, if you haven’t noticed.”

  Gabriel tilted his head. “How could I not have noticed, with angels and demons working together, gates to hell opening, and Leviathans lying in wait in the freezers of butcher shops?”

  Pandora waved her hands. “Okay, then why do I not hear the fancy fucking trumpets in heaven calling the Lord’s army down to get their dicks wet?”

  “Excuse me?” Gabriel looked mortified.

  “I mean get their swords or spears or whatever wet with demon blood. We both know how much the army likes to do some murdering, so stop screwing over my sister here and give us a fucking clue to your riddle.”

  Gabriel lifted an eyebrow. “Or?”

  Pandora gritted her teeth and lowered her voice. “Or I’m going to find a two-by-four and give you a pine colonoscopy complete with splinters.”

  Gabriel looked at Katie. “She is creative, isn’t she?”

  Katie shrugged.

  He looked back at Pandora. “Do you have to be so melodramatic? That was not a trait created by the Maker. Somewhere someone dropped that into human discourse, and it’s been a pain in the butt ever since. Probably some stupid joke by Raphael. I swear, he hasn’t been serious since that movie used his name and made him into a teenage giant turtle who eats pizza.”

  Pandora threw her arms in the air. “Do you have to play games when our lives are on the line?” Pandora pointed her fingers at Katie. “You remember her? Your angel? The one you keep teasing with morsels of wisdom that don’t mean shit, only to leave her here to combat everything on her own? Do you think she appreciates having to decipher your fucked-up code between demon-killing and trips to hell?”

  Katie frowned. “Why are you bringing me into this? You always do that.”

  Pandora waved her hands at Katie to silence her, but she was still staring Gabriel in the eyes. “She’s trying to reform a fucking alien from another planet, then she’s trying to save him and perhaps save his soul in the process. All she needs to know is how to help. You can’t tell me you don’t know. You’ve been to Juntto’s planet. You know his people. Hell, if you don’t want to be helpful, tell us how to get there, and we’ll take care of it on our own. Just do something to be helpful.”

  Gabriel stood firm. “It’s not the time for that.”

  Katie interrupted, stepping forward. “Wait, what?”

  Gabriel ignored her. “You probably weren’t around during this decade, Pandora, but there was a commercial about—”

  Katie immediately caught on. “A walking bunny powered by batteries. The Energizer Bunny.”

  Pandora slowly turned her head toward Katie. “The what?”

  “He’s a mechanical bunny that runs off of very long-lasting batteries. It’s…energy!”

  Pandora grimaced. “Shit. You’ve been infected by his riddles. Maybe if I punch you in the head, I can cure you.”

  “No, I’ve got it.” Katie grinned. “We need to figure out how to shock him back to the land of the living.”

  Pandora thought about it for a second. “Like Frankenstein?”

  “Without the grave robbing, but yeah.”

  “I’m not building a weird lair so people can chase us down with pitchforks.”

  Katie chuckled. “No need. That didn’t really work out for Frankenstein anyway.”

  Pandora nodded, thinking. She turned to Gabriel. “So, we need— Wait, where did he go?”

  Katie and Pandora looked around the roof, but Gabriel was gone. Pandora growled and slammed her hand into her fist. “That sonofabitch! He gives us one clue and then poofs into thin air. If you have angel abilities, you need to learn how to poof.”

  Katie sneered. “I don’t poof. Poofing isn’t my thing.”

  “Poof down for some donuts real quick.”

  “Poofing is not a thing I can do.”

  Pandora frowned. “You didn’t even try.”

  “I’m trying right now. See?” Katie squinted at her.

  “That was a fart.”

  “No poofing. End of discussion.”

  Pandora shrugged. “Guess I might as well get back inside.”

  Katie lifted her chin and stood still as Pandora climbed back inside of her. The tingle that ran through her body made everything hazy for a moment. She blinked her eyes several times, getting herself back together.

  Pandora was irritated. He could have told us what kind of energy we need. It’s not like revealing this basic information will harm his good standing as an angel. He’s just being typical Gabriel, leading his fucking flock into a dead end and giving them half a ladder. Why not just say, “I don’t fucking know, you figure it out.”

  He told us enough. Katie smiled and looked at the city again. Thank you. I
needed this. I needed to feel like I had my feet underneath me again. After everything that’s happened, I was starting to feel like I had lost my touch. Without you, I would have been sitting here with two riddles.

  Pandora yawned in Katie’s mind. I got your back, little sis. And let me just point out that without me, you wouldn’t have stellar tits, a perfect ass, and a tiny waistline. You would still be playing volleyball and dreaming of your future husband. Let’s just say I saved you from a lot of things.

  Katie smiled. That is true, even if some days I feel like trading back. I would get bored, though.

  Anyone would be bored without me. Now, everything has been revealed that will be, and you have some brain work to do. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be that helpful, and I’m incredibly tired.

  Katie chuckled. She was not used to hearing that from Pandora. We have a good start. I’ll head back to the condo.

  Pandora yawned again, sending pulses of sleepiness through Katie’s body. Good. I’m just going to curl up right here and take a nap. That jumping-out-of-bodies thing is not only creepy as fuck, but it’s exhausting.

  With that, Katie spread her wings.

  Chapter Three

  Baal ran his finger across a suspiciously shiny wall, and it came away covered in a translucent goop. He grimaced and wiped his finger on a small table covered with papers. The place was dark and smelled of mold. It was also at least twenty degrees colder than other parts of hell, which made it uncomfortable for him. Light flickered from candles set up all over the room, but it was still so dark he could barely see. He hated being there, and he hated having to converse with Beelzebub even more.

  The place was far enough away from the center of hell to make the trip unbearable. On top of that, he had to deal with the bullshit of this demon. No matter how powerful he was, it didn’t mean he lavished himself in common sense. To Baal, he was just as wild-minded as T’Chezz had been, the only differences being that Beelzebub had confidence and feared no one. Sometimes he even thought the smooth-talking demon lacked the common sense to fear Lucifer.

  “If you think I want to be here, you’re wrong,” Baal hollered into the dark, knowing the other demon was lurking in the shadows somewhere.