by Eva Delaney
I returned to my cabin alone and pulled out my laptop. Ram hadn’t changed the wi-fi password in four years, so I connected to the internet and searched through my emails. Algefer had sent me his phone number years ago as an invitation to reconnect. I’d ignored it because fuck him. But I’d also never deleted it.
I found his number and dialed it on Bob’s borrowed phone. Thanks to some clever tech and magic, the island had cell service.
“Hello,” said a gruff man’s voice on the other end.
“Algefer,” I said.
“Juniper! Jennifer, Juniper,” he sang the chorus of the Donovan song he had named me after.
I shouldn’t have felt anything after years of him coming and going from my life as though I was a hotel. But my heart squished and ached at the same time.
“It’s nice to hear from you,” Dad said.
“Wait until you learn why I’m calling. Come and get your son.”
“Which one?”
“Ramrod. You’ve been a shitty father. I don’t even blame you, because settling down is rarely fun. But this dickweed needs someone to keep him the fuck out of villainy. It can be you or the Silver Springs Penitentiary.”
Dad was silent for a long moment. “His mother named him Ramrod, you know. She really liked that magical demon cock—”
“I don’t need to hear about your dick, Dad. Do something about your snollyguster son before he tries to have me killed again—”
“He did what?”
“If he tries anything, I’ll rip his magic from him and leave him in a supe prison. Or you can help him. Give him a family or some shit. It’s up to you.”
Dad was silent for a long moment. “I liked it better when you called me for bedtime stories.”
“Your bedtime stories were always about bar fights.”
“Haha, yeah. You loved them, though.”
He was right. That was probably why I ended up as a criminal. He made it sound like fun. Well…it was sometimes. “I’ll text you the coordinates to get Ram.” I clicked to end the call.
Alyssa had cleared out most of the rare relics, including the Night Compass for tracking dark magic. What the hell was she planning? But I found a Magic Dampener and cast it on Ram. It lessened his power like headphones lessened sound. It didn’t stop it entirely, but it made it weak and muffled. With that on him, I removed the paralysis stone.
I didn’t want to hand feed him and change his diaper, after all.
“I’ll kill you for this.” It was the first thing Ram said.
“Pfft, you’ve been trying to do that for years.” I locked him in his home with a ward to trap him inside. I especially needed it because his house had no door. Thanks, Julian. With Ram’s magic limited, he couldn’t best my power to break the ward.
Next, I gathered up the pieces of my defeated dildos and buried them under a cairn of stones.
“Rest well, brave warriors,” I said and saluted the grave.
One by one, I removed the prisoners’ curses. They agreed to leave the island in exchange for not being turned into worms again. It was risky to have functional witches on the island, but they kept their word.
“Sorry we tried to kill you,” Mitch, an old friend, said as I freed him from the house.
“Same to you, man.”
The gang left in the spare ship that day. Now, for packing up the relics from the vault. But for that, I had the help of my three partners.
“Yarrrr! Silver Springs ho!” Sammy called from the top of the mainmast.
“What did you call me?” I shouted back from the helm.
“Ye ain’t the Silver Springs ho. Ye’re my hoe,” he said.
I craned my neck to eye him. As usual during our voyage, Sammy had wrapped his legs and arms around the top of the mast. We didn’t have a crow’s nest, but he was determined to enjoy the sensation of being at the top of a ship.
“Woo her properly,” Shakes called from inside the hold. “Call her love or dame or tomato.” He stayed inside, typing slowly letter by letter on my laptop.
I had installed a typing tutor program, but he ignored it because it didn’t let him write what he wanted.
“Call me none of those things,” I shouted.
“He can’t call you Juniper Berries. That’s mine,” Shakes said. That stupid nickname should have made me want to punch his arm. It made my heart flutter instead.
The ship jerked, and I grasped the helm tighter. The Silver River was growing too shallow for a sailboat.
On either side of us, the forest closed in on the river. I breathed deeply of its smell of fresh earth and greenery.
The river didn’t cross through the town, so we’d have to moor in the forest and walk. That was better. It would be easier to hide the ship and its store of relics out here.
“Come down before you hurt yourself!” Oscar yelled up to Sammy, not for the first time on our trip. The vampire wore his long sleeve sweater with a big floppy sun hat and sunglasses he’d stolen from a house on Acasa.
“He knows how to ride a mast,” I said.
Oscar flushed because Sammy had ridden his while I watched—more than once. Hell, I walked with a limp daily from being dicked so thoroughly. I was going to need a cybernetic pussy to enjoy these men as often as I wanted.
The entire ship—minus the crates of relics—was a jizz and sploosh bucket. Sapphire would be proud. Speaking of which…
I pulled Bob’s cell from my pocket and dialed the vamp.
Sapphire groaned on the other end. “You better be dying to call me this early.”
“It’s 2pm.”
“As I said, you better be dying. If you’re not, you will be.”
“What are you gonna do? Throw ice cream cones at me?”
“Is that Sapphire?” Oscar asked.
This wasn’t the first time I had called her. I had to let her know we were safe—and ask her to pay my rent so I didn’t lose the shop and apartment. Oscar and Saph had chatted a few times. Maybe they could help each other heal from what Volos had done to them.
“Oscar says hi,” I said into the phone.
“So, you’re not dying. Tell him ‘sup, bro.”
“Saph says ‘sup, bro. We’re back in town. I’ll drop off Bob’s phone at the diner.”
“And my car?”
It wasn’t the first time she had asked. The thing was still missing somewhere on the big, wide highways of America. “It’s in the shop. See you soon.” I tapped to end the call, then dialed Jewels Cafe.
“Jewels Cafe, home of pumpkin spice lattes and Mood Teas,” a man said.
“Hi, Julian. It’s Juniper Cockscomb.”
“And Juniper Cockscomb is…”
“April June. I’m going by Juniper now, my real name. Do you still have the ring I gave you? The one that casts spells over the internet? And maybe over phone signals too, so don’t touch it.”
“Oh! Hi, Juniper. Yep, I have it right here in my pocket—”
Bob’s phone trembled in my hand. I tossed it to the deck, and it burst into flames as Julian’s perchance for blowing shit up flew along the phone signal.
I mumbled a spell for putting out fires, but the phone was already charred black.
So much for returning Bob’s cell. That one was on me. I should have known Julian’s wonky magic would break something. Poor Bob.
Sammy shimmied down the mast and jumped the last few meters to the deck. “What the hell was that?”
“The phone was cursed,” I said.
He shook his head. “Fucking devil boxes. Anyway, drop anchor here. The river be too narrow ahead.”
I pulled on the ship’s lever to kill its engine. Sammy refused to believe that this thing ran on a motor while we traveled upriver. It was wind and sail, he insisted. He hoisted the anchor overboard, and it hit the water with a booming splash.
Sammy rushed up and down the ship, lowering and storing the sails. Oscar tried to help, but he shooed him off. The pirate grinned ear to ear as he worked the small boa
t. I leaned on the helm and watched him with my own smile.
Once the ship was secured, I magicked us to the riverbank and set a spell with an invisibility stone to hide the ship. A second spell of my own warded it against intruders. Hopefully, that would keep it hidden until I could rent a truck to haul the relics back to Silver Springs. I’d have to hide them in my tiny apartment. It wasn’t ideal, especially since Ram’s people knew where I was. Some would move on with their lives, but some would come after me.
I wasn’t running from my home, though. Not this time.
We trekked into town, and for once, Shakespeare tucked the computer into my backpack. He slung an arm around my shoulder and pointed out birds and flowers as he weaved them into a poem. He and his grand gestures. I couldn’t help but flush and lean closer against him.
Oscar breathed deep—vampires didn’t have to, so this was a choice. “I missed the smell of the woods. The feel of solid ground.” He stomped a foot and sighed in pleasure.
“Pfft,” Sammy said as he swaggered along the path. “Solid ground be boring. It always does the same thing.”
“I missed a lot of things,” Oscar said. He turned to me. His eyes were hidden behind his sunglasses, but I knew his gaze was locked on mine. “Now, I don’t have to worry because I have someone who will keep me safe.”
I smiled. “Always.” I knew it wouldn’t be enough to heal his trauma. But at least I could provide him a sense of safety while he healed and grew.
“I think I’ll start an online course about how to vampire,” Oscar said. “So, newbies don’t make the same mistakes I did and accidentally…you know…”
“You’ll make a great teacher.”
“Really?”
“You’ve got the pirate reading Wishbone novels on Bob’s phone.”
“Hehehe, the dog talks,” Sammy chuckled to himself.
As soon as we reached Silver Springs, I led the men to my store. I had to check on it. Was it still open? Had Sapphire paid the rent?
The sign of a happy rooster still glowed above the shop door. The glass dildos stood guard in the window. It felt as familiar and comforting as a hug. It was closed, but there was no eviction notice. I sighed in relief.
I owed Sapphire big time. But that was okay. Sammy and I had plundered some rich-ass yachts off the coast. People who had money to spare, so could afford to donate some to us. Oscar had hidden in the hold and Shakes had sat on the deck with my laptop, taking notes for his sitcom.
“Is this your shop?” Shakes said, wrapping an arm around me.
“It’s my home,” I said.
“Hey! Hey, it’s you!” a man yelled.
I startled. It was one of Ram’s men! They were back already!
I opened the gates inside my chest and let my magic in all its dark glory flood my veins and body. Purple, blue, and green flames flared around my fists.
A dude in a dark jacket stared at us with wide eyes. He fisted a hand, purple energy pulsing around it. Fuck, it was Ram’s minion who stopped me outside my apartment when I was carrying the dildos.
My stomach clenched, and I readied to cast a curse.
“You crazy naked assholes jumped me a couple of weeks ago. I’m calling the cops.” With his non-flaming hand, he pulled a phone from his pocket.
I blinked. “You aren’t working for Ram?”
“Who? I was trying to help a crazy woman wandering around with dildos and worse, no coat! And these men attacked me!”
Flaming fucking dick turd. He wasn’t working for Ram. He was a random pervert who knew a bit of dark magic.
“Yes, police?” he said into his phone.
“A uita,” I said. Yeah, it was a curse. But sometimes they were necessary to fight for what mattered.
The man blinked, shook his head, and glanced around.
“Do you need help?” I asked.
“What? Why?” he said. He looked at me and my men with a frown.
“Sir?” said a woman on his phone.
“Huh? Oh, wrong number,” he tapped to hang up. Turning on his heel, he strolled away.
I loved memory spells.
“What a plot twist!” Shakes said. “I need the laptop.”
Oscar’s shoulders relaxed away from his ears. “We’re safe.”
Sammy smirked at me. “Well done, my lovely Trouble Lass.”
Epilogue
There was one more magical item I needed to deal with: Love Blooms by C.C. Pine, the spelled book that brought me and my partners together.
I didn’t want to leave it lying around, because any magic could be used for good or ill, even a mate spell. But I wasn’t sure what to do with it. So, I’d store it away with the other relics in the ship until I figured something out.
Stuffing it into my well-worn backpack, I trekked across Silver Springs toward the forest.
Sammy was working the shop with Jen—he had a knack for making women so horny that they bought more toys. Shakes was busy typing his sitcom, while Oscar burrowed under blankets and grumbled about sunlight. So I headed out alone.
As I reached a park that bordered the forest, my new phone buzzed. I pulled it from my pocket to see a text from Dad. “Got Ramrod. He’s pissed.”
“Not my problem,” I typed back and pocketed my phone.
A gang of tiny humans raced around the park. A young woman with coppery colored hair stood among them. She turned this way and that, shouting orders.
“Artemus, stop eating grass!” A kid dropped a handful of sticky blades of green. “Jerome,” she shouted at a wolf shifter who chased a screaming witch. “Stop it and shift back this moment! Now, come on kids, gather round. It’s time to go back to the orphanage. Come on.” She started to sing a little tune about sticking together and walking home and wouldn’t it be fun, oh, come on, kids.
Welp, my ovaries curled up and died right then. At least I’d save money on IUDs.
A kid with brown hair and matching freckles raced up to me. He threw out his hands and shouted, “Snake spell!” The blue magic danced between his fingers and fizzled out.
It was clean, naive magic. Light magic. He lacked the infinity for darkness that Alyssa and I had.
“Hey kid, if you want to perform dark magic, you’re going to need some items.”
“Where can I get them?” he whispered, eyes wide.
“Any dark magic shop. You only need common amulets for a snake spell.”
The woman’s singing grew increasingly tense and verging on panic as the kids kept racing around the park.
“Nik,” she shouted, and the kid before me startled. “Leave the nice lady alone.”
I snorted. No one ever called me a nice lady.
The kid whirled and raced back to his keeper. The woman pointed at each kid in turn and mouthed numbers under her breath. Then she went very, very still. “Shit.”
The kids giggled.
“Where’s Edmond?” she said, looking around.
“He shifted to a fox and ran that way,” a little girl said, pointing into the forest.
The woman dropped her face into her hand. “Shit.” The kids giggled again.
“Hey,” I called. “Do you have anything that belongs to the missing kid?”
The woman looked up at me. “Who are you?”
“Juniper. You’ve probably heard of my shop, but it’s not to be mentioned in front of children.”
“That means it’s dirty,” a girl whispered. Her friends laughed.
I ignored them. Mainly because I didn’t know what to say that was child-appropriate. “I’m a witch,” I told the frazzled woman. “I can track the kid if you have something that belongs to him.”
The woman sighed in relief. “I’m Lupine. Do any of you have something of Edmond’s? Kendall, you’re his best friend.”
A little boy with dark hair looked up at Lupine. “I have his spit on my hand!”
“Why?” Lupine said, exasperated.
“We made a spit promise. It’s unbreakable.”
I sn
orted. “That’ll do.” I crossed the park to Lupine and the crowd of kids around her. They whispered about what might have happened to Edmond. Maybe a forest witch took him for a spell. Or a wolf ate him. Oh, and this new lady, she has something dirty and forbidden.
I ignored them and crouched down by the kid with a spitty hand. Taking his wrist, I relaxed and let magic flood my body. I muttered the words for a search spell.
The kid’s palm glowed gold. The light trailed from his hand and along the ground, zigzagging across the park and into the woods.
“Follow the golden light road,” I said.
Lupine sighed in relief. “Come on, kids. It’ll be fun. Follow, follow, follow, follow the golden light road,” she sang.
The kids joined in. They jumped around Lupine like bubbles in a pot of boiling water. Shit, they were exhausting. But I had to stick around to make sure she found that kid.
We trekked through the forest after the light. Somehow, the children grew more excited. How did this poor woman manage them?
The light stopped at a fallen tree trunk.
“Everyone look for Edmond,” Lupine said.
I heard giggling from within the log, just beneath where the light had disappeared. “No need. He’s right there.”
“Thank you,” Lupine said. She crouched down to speak to Edmond, demanding that he climb out of the log. Her shoulders hunched up toward her ears in obvious stress as the kids shouted and jumped around her.
“Quiet, kids,” I ordered.
They ignored me. Could I magic them into silence? I mean, I could, but would that make me a shitty person?
Finally, Edmond crawled out from his hiding spot, and Lupine hugged him tightly. “You shouldn’t run away like that,” she said.
“Why?” he said. “I can look after myself.”
Lupine’s face dropped, giving way to an emotion that I couldn’t place.
“You don’t need to look after yourself,” she said eventually. “That’s why I’m here.”
“You’re not my mom!” Edmond shouted.
Lupine didn’t reply immediately, seemingly not knowing what to say. “Nope. Not your mom,” she told the angry red-headed boy. “But I do care about you.”
