The Reverse of Everything

by Tara Brown

  He blushed, his eyes flickering on Gord, the guy he was sort of seeing as a last minute YOLO. One I approved of now, seeing them together. Milo was happy and that was how your last week was supposed to be.

  “You guys,” Milo gushed and we group hugged, even the people we barely knew who had come because of the cake. Rozzy baked it. She was good at baking. A secret talent that hadn’t mattered until this very moment.

  “Make a cut and wish,” Rozzy exclaimed.

  Milo closed his eyes and wished, peeking at me, Celeste, and Rozzy. The smile on his face almost made me cry. He was wishing we still had them, or we were with them, or something along those lines. Wishing this hadn’t happened would negate us all in each other’s lives. I couldn't cope with that and suspected they all felt the same. But he could still waste a wish on a slightly different outcome.

  Darius kissed Celeste’s head, smelling her hair. My insides twisted and turned as memories of my boys haunted me.

  Hannah, Marshall, and Joey handed out cake to everyone as Rozzy cut it. It was amazing.

  The house party was perfect.

  Tomorrow would be the worst, but today was the best. And I had to live for today.

  The week had flown by.

  Jack and Rozzy disappearing constantly. Him carrying her so she didn't have to hobble everywhere.

  Celeste and Darius kissing and cuddling and twirling their fingers into each other’s.

  Milo and Gord making secret signals to sneak off.

  Joey and Marshall were new best friends, distracted by the lack of parents and by each other and electronics and all the fun activities at the base.

  We’d bowled, swam, played with the endless supply of animals that were there, and ate whatever the kids wanted, if we had it.

  The animals didn't fight.

  The people made the right choices.

  And slowly, I really started to believe in God.

  The church on the base, a nondenominational building, called to me the same way it had back home. Then I’d just wanted someone to listen to me in secret. But here, it was different. I wanted to listen to them. I wasn't desperate for God or religion or hope. I genuinely believed something was there. And you could call it any name you wanted, but it was there.

  Maybe it was like Darius joked, aliens. Maybe it was a magical force made up inside the earth. Maybe if was an almighty bearded dude.

  Whatever it was, I sensed its presence in me. And I knew things I shouldn’t or couldn’t. And I had peace in that knowledge.

  It didn't take away the fear of the end, but I knew it had an influence on what was happening around us. And I knew everything was planned. Every second of this. The old people who lived had been selected for a reason. The deaths starting at the oldest had happened for a reason. And the youngest dying last was also planned.

  Why?

  That was the only thing I didn't know.

  Was it like a game and the reset button was pressed, but the world had to dissolve in a certain order? Or was it that the almighty was enjoying the show? Like an ant farm where you slowly turned up the heat and watched them panic.

  Whatever it was, it led me to the roof of the building that housed the pool most nights. A perfect spot to sit and stare at the stars, though I was freezing.

  I wouldn’t go tonight until they all went to bed. It was our last night together.

  It was the first time I was grateful for Jack, but for purely selfish reasons. I wouldn't be entirely alone. He and I would die together.

  Stan nudged me out of my thoughts, convincing me even more that he and Owen were somehow linked. Maybe Stan was an alien dog and Owen was talking to him from the mother ship.

  “Zo, want a s’more?” Jack asked, holding it up as I walked outside.

  “Thanks.” I took it, taking small bites and savoring the taste of melting chocolate and warm marshmallow as I sat next to Darius.

  “So Celeste said you were a librarian. Have you seen the one on base?”

  “No, not inside,” I lamented. I’d walked by it a dozen times, staring longingly, but it wasn't open. “The major wants it saved for tomorrow with the kids. Trying to spread out the joy so they’re distracted while you guys—and then after.” I didn’t know how to say the kids would be in the library while they passed.

  I was excited to go in and had signed myself up as the person who would be in charge of it. But it was the epitome of sour and sweet mixing. The day I would get the keys was the day everyone I loved left. Except Stan. And Jack and Ginger, the tiny dog, would also be with us. And Joey, Hannah, and Marshall.

  “Right.” Darius’ eyes filled with emotion.

  “No talk of tomorrow, Zo.” Rozzy pointed.

  “Sorry.” My cheeks burned. Stan lowered his head onto my lap. I petted his ears the same way Jack was rubbing Ginger’s. Jack cracked a grin, seeing me looking at them. I smiled back.

  “What is one thing you guys wish you’d done?” Darius asked, breaking the awkward silence.

  I fuzzed out as someone started talking, saying something about their dream of visiting Australia.

  They laughed and smiled and spoke of whimsical dreams that would never come true. The fire danced on their faces as the moon rose and the roof of the pool called to me.

  As they left in pairs, going to spend their last night in a warm embrace, I managed to make my way to the roof with Stan following. He lay at the base of the building as I climbed the ladder and headed to the chairs someone else had left, something I’d randomly found.

  The sky was bright, filled with the moon’s light that dulled the glow of the stars. But I could still see a few. I closed my eyes and waited for it, the way the air sparkled around me and warmth kissed my skin. I knew it was him. When I was still and silent, I could feel it. But it didn't come.

  I wondered if he’d finally moved on. Or if he and Owen were doing something else, seeing another sight they missed in the real world. I wondered how the afterlife looked, a thought that made me smile. I’d never believed before. In fact, I’d been certain it was a hoax.

  “Hey,” a guy’s voice spoke softly into the night air.

  “Hi.” I sat up, startled and worried. Stan barked, alerting me to the person in the fatigues who had climbed the ladder to the roof.

  “I didn't mean to scare you. I saw you climb up and wasn't sure what was going on.” He lifted his hands. I realized it was the major.

  “You didn't scare me,” I lied.

  “Okay.” He toyed with a grin. “I’ve been meaning to get you alone—” He paused when I grimaced. “Sorry, creepy things you don't say to girls when you’re alone on rooftops has never been my specialty.”

  “Okay.” I was lost and creeped out and wondering what my odds were of getting off the roof unscathed.

  “My kids, Jonah and Ellie, they’re one and three.”

  Relief flooded me.

  “I was hoping I could leave them with you specifically,” he pleaded. “My wife and I go tomorrow night. And I’m so scared they won’t be okay. I’ve had some dark thoughts. The kind that might keep me from getting into the pearly gates, ya know?” he said with strain in his voice. I realized then how big the bags under his eyes were and how stressed he looked.

  “I do.” I wished I hadn’t had the thought before, but I had. Not for a kid, but for myself. “And if you want to leave them at the house tomorrow I’ll make sure they’re okay. I have a ten-year-old, an eight-year-old, and a fourteen-year-old. Plus, I know Helen and Rose well.” Darius’ grandma and I were tight now. “They’ll be safe.”

  “Thanks,” he said with a sigh. “You don't know what this means to me. It’s been horrible imagining leaving them behind.”

  “Don't think about it.” I had no sage wisdom for this moment. “Just know that you have done the best for everyone that you could. You people, you army people, you’ve saved us all. And maybe you did it for your own kids, but you’ve made it so hundreds of kids will at least be okay until the end.”

>   “Thanks, Zoey.” He nodded. “I’ll leave you to your peace. Night.” He turned and left, climbing back down.

  My heart was still pounding, but I managed to calm down and try to feel the warmth and sparkle again.

  But it didn't come.

  39

  The Twenties

  Celeste

  “You’re the Mona Lisa, Zo.” I hugged her once more, sobbing. Keeping my cool wasn’t going well. Zoey sobbed into my shoulder. Milo and Rozzy squished into us, joining the embrace. I heaved as I cried into her. “You have that look, the one no one knows how to interpret.” I lifted her chin and stared into her swollen eyes. “Mischievous.” I kissed her softly on the cheek.

  She clung to me, unsure of what I was saying and desperate for me not to leave her. I felt the same.

  Milo kissed her cheek and took an inhale of her hair.

  I’d hugged Hannah and Marshall and left them at the house with the kids who were dropped off for Zoey and Jack to take care of when they got back from this. Their goodbye. Our goodbye.

  My heart was breaking again. I hadn’t thought I could hurt this much again and again, but I was wrong. My poor heart could withstand a severe amount of pain and continue on.

  Darius kissed his grandma once more.

  Helen smiled softly at us all, tears in her eyes, refusing to come out. She was such a stubborn old bat.

  “I love you,” Zoey said to us all.

  “Love you too,” we said in unison.

  Rozzy left the huddle and turned to Jack, sobbing into his chest. He lowered his face to her head, kissing the top of it.

  Milo held Zoey’s face, cupping it and whispering, “Take care of my dog.”

  Zoey laughed, sobbing. “He takes care of me.”

  Milo chuckled but it made him cry harder.

  “Celeste?” Bethany called me from outside the circle, a place she had remained since she’d arrived.

  “Yeah?” I pulled from the love and turned to her.

  “I’m sorry.” It was the apology I’d been waiting for all week.

  “Me too.” I started to cry again as she did too. We embraced and for a second I remembered what it was like when we were little. Before she became obsessed with shoes and clothes and material bullshit. All my judgment of her dripped from my eyes, leaving my body.

  I hugged my sister, squeezing her like our parents would have.

  “I’m scared,” she whispered. “I’m so scared.”

  “Me too,” I spoke softly into her ear, “but I know they’re there waiting for us. I promise.”

  “Okay.” She trembled and caught her ragged breath. “Thanks for saving me.”

  “I love you, Beth.”

  “I love you too.”

  I pulled off my heart-shaped necklace with Mom and Dad in it and gave it to her. She opened it, sobbing harder. She held it to her chest, crying like I had never seen her do.

  Milo slid a hand into Gord’s, letting him pull him to the room where it happened. A weird warehouse where they tested engines. Once we were dead, they turned them on and everything in the room was incinerated. The ashes were then blown out into the Colorado air.

  It was as close as we got to a service.

  Darius put his hand out for me to take. I did, but I paused, waiting with my other hand out for Rozzy. She took it, kissing Jack once more. Savoring the last second she had with him.

  “Five minutes, guys,” the major said. “Thanks again, Zoey.” He nodded at her.

  She wiped her eyes and nodded back.

  “See ya in a week, Zo,” I said to her, certain I would. Certain I would be waiting for her, the sister I chose.

  “See ya in a week, Frodo.”

  I sobbed a laugh as Darius started to pull us away.

  Rozzy grabbed Bethany’s hand and the four of us walked away.

  Zoey pressed her hands against her mouth, making no noise as she sobbed with Jack, Stan, and Ginger next to her.

  Helen and Rose stepped closer, also crying now.

  The four of them waved at us as we walked into the room.

  “Milo, if I painted this end for you, it would be similar to Sir Edwin Landseer’s The Old Shepherd’s Chief Mourner. Stan would be sitting at your side, loyal to the end. Face on your casket.”

  Any other person might have hated that last comment. But Milo knew, he smiled and nodded. “It would be perfect. I love you, Celeste.”

  “Love you too.” I turned to Rozzy. “And you would be Sleeping Venus.”

  “Masturbating and all?” Rozzy laughed.

  “And all.” I winked, loving that she knew the painting.

  “Love you, Sis.”

  “Love you too.”

  “Better to have loved and lost,” Milo said, his eyes locked on mine. “I get it now.”

  “Me too,” I said.

  “Me three.” Rozzy glowed.

  We walked and I struggled with what painting Darius would be, but he began to speak in a low tone, telling me his version of painting a scene, “I would have asked you to marry me next year. Somewhere cool like the Met or a park with a literary or artistic reference.” Darius muttered softly, “We would have gotten married on the West Coast, of course. Then you would have gotten a job somewhere in Europe at a museum. I would start researching my first book and working at a university in the city where you worked. I’d write my first book and it would be shit, but your mom would help me sell it so her daughter didn't starve.”

  Bethany and I laughed at the same time.

  “We’d have our first kid at thirty. And I think we would’ve had three. I want two but you come from a bigger family and you people always win.” He tried to make a joke, but we would be dead in a minute.

  “Our lives would become a bit hectic for a while, but we would never stop feeling this way about each other.”

  I lay on the concrete amongst my peers with the engine facing us. I closed my eyes as his words became a future I didn't know I wanted until this moment. He spoke and I painted, creating a montage of the beauty we would have called a life. It was an original, oil on canvas, and heavy on the medium to add shine and thinness to the oil.

  “We’d move home to the West Coast when the kids were becoming work, like closer to forty. I’d be successful now, and you’d be a bit tired of being a full-time mom and all the activities. You’d paint when the kids were in school and I’d make dinner. We’d watch our kids grow old enough to start their own lives, and eventually, we might move back to the city where it all started, New York. And I would love you for the rest of my lif—”

  I lost him in fog.

  He was there and then he was in a bottle and then he was gone.

  His fingers and Rozzy’s death grip and Bethany’s sniffles, gone.

  The fog was white and cold, and then as a wind came to blow it away, I heard them.

  It started as one voice, my mother’s. Then my father’s. Then Owen’s and West’s and Michael’s. Everyone was there. Bethany, Rozzy, Darius, and me and everyone.

  I was alone, standing at a dock, the one at our lake house, and the dark water lapped at the wood as a herd walked toward me. They moved their feet and legs, but they didn't get closer.

  And the crowd was filled with people I loved.

  “Are you real?” I asked my mom. I knew she could hear me, though she was so far away.

  “Yessssssss,” her word carried all the way to my heart. “Come home, my love.”

  “I’m coming, Mom.”

  40

  The librarian is in

  Zoey

  The smell of the books didn't cheer me up.

  The shelves, all of them clean and organized suggesting someone loved this place, didn't improve a single thing in my life. Jack was the same. He was quiet, more so than before.

  The kids who were old enough to come to the library ran around, all of them excited to see books, a reading center, and a sitting spot. They picked out books and brought them to me, checking them out. Not that it mattered
now.

  I forced a smile and helped them read and made meals and cleaned up every room I entered. For Helen and Rose and the other old people who would be here in the end.

  My heart was broken.

  My soul was crushed.

  My spirit was gone.

  And everything about the world sucked.

  But I pushed on, sleeping with Stan, smothered in his white fur, and taking care of kids who needed me more than I needed them. And all the words of the major came back to haunt me.

  His speech had been on purpose, his rude words intentional. He wanted me to recall that this was important, far more important than me, and I had to be brave and strong for the kids who were left behind.

  Gods and aliens were watching.

  “I’m gonna go over to the petting zoo with the kids who have books,” Hannah said. Her eyes were still swollen, same as mine.

  “Thanks.” I smiled.

  “No problem.” She shrugged and walked out with a group of children following her. Marshall and Joey were with her too, barely lifting their faces from their iPads.

  The old ladies had started their vigil, taking care of the babies and toddlers. Most of the teens, including Hannah, were with them, helping.

  It was chaos and exhausting. The perfect way to spend their last week. Distracted by helping the neediest of us all.

  By the time the days were over, Jack, me, and the rest of the teenagers were worn out. Jack was the oldest civilian. The few remaining solders were eighteen and nineteen. They stayed away from us all, guarding the weapons and sending the ashes out into the wind.

  Every night I ended up on the roof, huddled alone and sometimes accidentally wishing I hadn’t promised Milo I wouldn't end my life. But I had. The same way I’d promised to help care for Jonah, Ellie, Joey, Marshall, and Hannah. And Stan.

  Tonight, I let Hannah come with me. She seemed lost and in need of a friend beyond the other girls. She needed more. She needed family.

  She was the last of her family, her and Marshall. I knew this pain.

  And I missed her aunt like I was missing my soul.