Little Doll: Queens of Chaos 1

by L. J. Findlay

  Tuning back into the conversation, I smiled at Noelle, talking with animated gestures, her eyes sparkling with mischief, and her long, pastel grey hair swishing back and forth in excitement. Out of all of us she was the troublemaker, the extrovert who made life her bitch and fucked it senseless. She was afraid of nothing and no one. Her motto: if you get yourself into a sticky situation, you can damn well get yourself out.

  Case in point, her current story; “… and Jay, this random dude from Hinge, is finishing his drink and acting all nervous-like. I know something’s up, so I just tell him to spit it out. Fucking hate it when people can’t get their point across.” She looks me right in the eye with this. “That’s why Xander was a bad egg – always took him so damn long to just tell a story, even when sober!”

  Laughing at her logic, I retorted, “Bit like you with this story, hun?”

  She scowled at me, wagging her finger, giving into her dramatic tendencies and feigning an old-fashioned accent. “None of that cheek from you, missy!” I held up my hands in mock deference and she giggled before continuing. “Anyway, as I was saying, Jay is acting all weird so I make him spit out whatever it is that’s bothering him and he says to me, 'so, we’re getting on well and everything and I just have this thing that it would be great if you could come along with me to'. Turns out this thing is his grandpa’s funeral and it was that very afternoon. Not one to turn down an adventure…”

  “Wait, who, you?!” Gem interrupted, laughing at Noelle’s statement of the obvious.

  Noelle, feigning disbelief, continued, “So yeah, next thing I know I’m crying along with the funeral and then getting unbelievably fucked with his friends and family, who all think that I’m his wife. Absolutely ridiculous. Jay is, of course, eternally grateful, and sent me a message the next day saying that I did him a solid. A fucking solid! I guess that’s what he sees an agreement to attend a funeral, from a random Hinge girl, as being…” She trails off to take a deep slurp of her wine, the ice cubes tinkling.

  “I swear, No-No, your stories just escalate, ” Gemma chuckled. “I mean, is this even true? Why haven’t we heard of this yet?”

  I laughed along with her because I could understand her disbelief. In no way, and I meant this with all the love, would sweet Gem go along with a ridiculous proposition like Noelle would. “Escalate is right – not gonna lie, I’m kind of worried about tonight…”

  Noelle waggled her eyebrows evilly and said, “Just you wait, girls. Just you wait. I can feel that tonight’s gonna be a good one. One to go down in the record books.” She slurped her wine, caressing the pentagram tattoo on her clavicle. “The wind is blowing in the right direction. I can feel that something momentous is going to happen.”

  I shivered at that, feeling like someone had walked over my grave, but Gemma just sighed, rolling her eyes at Noelle, and buried her head in her hands. She had always dismissed Noelle’s witchiness, her frighteningly accurate intuition. “No, Noelle. Not once did we discuss any sort of misadventure. It was going to be to distract Xan…”

  My breath hitched at that, the name dragging down my spine like spiky fingernails and I quickly said, “Xanthe. Xanthe, tonight, please.”

  My friends paused, staring at me with sympathy. “Of course, babe. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

  “It’s alright, Gem,” I laughed, brushing it off. “Fucking typical eh that I’d have the same nickname as my ex. The universe’s way of trying to force us to stay together I guess.”

  “Absolutely no fucking way!” Noelle interjected. “To quote Taylor Swift, you are never, ever, getting back together and I mean it. Even if I have to get involved!”

  “Who, you? Get involved?” Gemma laughed at Noelle’s ridiculousness. Meddling was that girl’s middle name and I knew that if she even caught the faintest hint that I was going to retract the breakup she’d do something about it. I shivered at the thought of what she would do. Boundaries were not a part of her vocab.

  “Fuck’s sake, Gem!” Noelle laughed in mock irritation.

  “Love ya, babe,” Gem blew a kiss back in return. “Anyway, you, Noelle, need to hear this. As I was saying, no misadventures tonight. We are going to have a much needed catch-up, just us three. It’s not yet six and, in my opinion, six hours is plenty of time to have a good old chat before leaving when the pub closes and tucking up in front of Netflix with a takeaway. It’ll be healing…”

  “And boring! What we need to do is get Xanthe some good dicking. She’ll wake up to her gorgeous man of the night and then she’ll have forgotten all about Xander, whose number she’s already blocked…” Noelle tailed off, swinging her gaze round to focus in on me. “Right, Xanthe? You’ve blocked him, right?”

  I smiled brightly, the lie coiling around my throat like a viper. “Of course, silly! You know what he’s like.”

  “Damn right. We know what he’s like – he’ll be bugging you and ruining our girls night and it’ll be shit. Boy never knew the meaning of no. Anywayyyy, as I was saying…we are going to find you a tribute who will clue you in to the buffet you have been missing out on. Until we do we will be having the messiest, most depraved, evening you can possibly think of.”

  Knowing that any resistance was futile, Gemma sighed again and closing her eyes held her glass up. “Well, I guess it's bottoms up, girlies.”

  We all clinked glasses, obeying Noelle who shrieked at us to make eye-contact to ensure good sex for the next seven years, and knock back the rosé. I slam my glass back down, raised my hands in the air and shouted, “Let’s fucking do this!”

  Uncaring of the other pub goers, Noelle squealed with me and poor Gemma just looked at us despairingly. “Honestly guys, I love you both, but sometimes I really do fear for us.”

  “It’s all part of life’s rich adventure,” Noelle asserted. “Another bottle girls?”

  We all nodded in agreement and Gemma volunteered to go grab it. I watched her back retreating to the bar, her hair glowing golden in the evening light, and just felt an overwhelming rush of love for both my girls. I couldn’t wait for all the adventures to come tonight, I already knew it was going to be one to remember, I could feel it. It’s that tingly feeling you get that skates along your skin and just makes you feel so fucking alive. Embracing it, getting intoxicated on pure hedonism was what helped me live. Helped me thrive in this fucking messed up world.

  I caught Noelle’s dark green gaze, and from the flecks of gold in her eyes sparkling with excitement, I knew she’s got the same feeling. I loved Gemma, both those girls were the closest to me out of our Uni group, but there’s just something with Noelle. We just clicked. It never caused awkward vibes in our flat dynamic. It was not malicious, it was simply that when Noelle and I wanted to fuck shit up and go wild, we had each other’s backs. We both worshipped at the altar of debauchery. We egged each other on and Gemma was happy to trail in the wake of destruction.

  “Bets on who’s coming out alive tonight?” Noelle joked, offering me a cigarette.

  I accepted and lit up, breathing in deeply, contemplating the question. “Think we’re all screwed. You were right, tonight’s gonna go down.” I laughed, inhaling again. “Can’t fucking wait.”

  Noelle laughed maniacally along with me and we must look deranged, cooking up our next wicked plan. I mean we kind of were, but we lived for this shit. It’s why I fucking treasured this friendship. Must be so boring to always behave and not let loose – I would go insane. I smiled at that thought and my reasoning that these fucked up nights were the thing that kept me teetering on the knife edge of sanity.

  “So, you still in touch with Jay?” I asked, returning back to our previous conversation. I swore this girl went through more boys than she did underwear.

  Noelle smiled wickedly and said, “You know, just keeping my options open. But I guess his family think I’m his wife so I suppose I will have to turn up to functions…heard there’s a wedding next week…”

  I gasped, “You wouldn’t…” Knowing full
well that yes, yes she very much would.

  “As I was saying, just keeping my options open. But enough deflection from you, Xanthe.” She pinned her gaze on me and I flinched slightly, fidgeting under the table. Shit’s about to get serious. One downside of our sisterly relationship was she shattered my smoke and mirrors to see the truth in all its sordid glory. “You broke up with Xander only a few hours ago and I just want to check in. We haven’t properly discussed it.”

  I swallowed and laughed, “What is there to say?” Lies, lies, lies. Reminding me of these lies, my phone vibrated in my pocket and I surreptitiously pulled it out to glance at it.

  * * *

  X: How’s the thinking going?

  * * *

  Noelle was saying something but I couldn’t register it, I felt sick looking at the message. I knew he would never let me go. Why was I even trying to kid myself? Our families wouldn’t allow it either. What the hell had I done?

  I jerked out of my reverie at Noelle’s clicking fingers, her sharp talons dangerously close to my face. “Hey, bitch.You even hear what I had to say?”

  Brushing her away, I lied yet again. “Sorry, in my own world. You know what I’m like.”

  “That I bloody well do. Not to sound jealous but in our friendship, or any friendship of yours, Xander was always in the equation. Like now. You lied to me just now.”

  I laughed nervously. “I did?”

  “And again. Denial is not going to help with this, babe.” Noelle’s face softened. “I know it’s shit, but seriously, time will teach you that boy was no good. Everyone saw it. The way he controlled you. He didn’t like me. In honesty, he was jealous of all your friends because they took you away from him. Can’t you see that’s unhealthy?”

  I bristled slightly, the words stabbing me hard because of the truth that resonated. I know it, have known it. It was just easier to ignore. Denial was safe. Comfortable. But I guess I’d forced myself out of denial when I broke up with him. I tried to think of why I broke up with him. Nothing much, it was, as Noelle said, a series of infractions, of injustices, of hurt. The rejection of Noelle, who only ever had my best interests at heart, but was rejected because she posed too much threat to his ownership of me. He knew that if he fucked up he was out and there was nothing he could do about it. That was what Noelle did with people she cared about. She burnt their tormentors’ lives to ash. The only reason I had stuck with him for so long is that I always downplayed the more worrisome elements of our relationship.

  Seeing the dawning realisation on my face, Noelle pulled me in for a hug and I breathed in her unique scent of patchouli and sage; a balm to my stress, and let a few tears go. “There, there, babe. Let it go. It’s okay, and I’m sorry if I’m pushing, but I love you. We all love you, and you have too much in you to let some damn boy mute your light. Let it blaze as a fuck you to Xander. Let him see how fucking special you are. Yeah?” She pulled back, looking at me kindly and I smiled weakly. How on earth did I get this lucky? She ran her fingers under my eyes to catch any leaking eye make-up and sat back, satisfied. “There. Fucking stunner. No more tears tonight. We're gonna have the best time!” She stubbed out her cig to further punctuate this.

  “Everything okay, guys?” Gemma asked, approaching with a bottle of rosé in its silver cooler.

  I smiled and said lightly, “Of course, babe. Girl’s gotta get a bit emotional after a breakup.”

  Gemma put the cooler down and her arms around me. “Of course. You’re only human, no harm in a few tears.”

  “I know but we’ve got mischief to cause and adventures to go on, so no time for moping around.” My words muffled in her embrace and I laughed.

  She sat down and said, “Swear I’ll be saying this the whole evening, but honestly I have no idea what I’m gonna do with you two.”

  Noelle reached forward to pluck the rosé out of the cooler and pour us all a hefty serving. “You got it wrong. You’re gonna be telling us that all the time, not just tonight.”

  Gemma giggled, “'Fraid you might be right there. Fuck it, let’s get this down us.”

  We raised our glasses in another salute. A salute to debauchery and freedom. To making messes. To making memories. To making our friendship even more rich.

  Xanthe

  The world was tilting pleasantly around me. I smiled. It was just so lovely. Gemma pulled me in for a hug and I giggled. I loved the girl, she was such a sweetheart. Heart of absolute fucking gold. Sometimes I worried she was too sweet for Noelle and I. Corrupted by us.

  Looking around, I loved how the pub garden was filled with people laughing and drinking. Spending time with each other. Making memories. Just like I was with my girls. It was magical. I admired the trees lining the garden and the remainder of the evening sunlight streaming through, shards of light spinning madly. I tilted my head back to enjoy the last few remaining rays and sipped a bit more of the sweet, sweet nectar of rosé.

  Noelle was gesticulating as always, cigarette in hand, the plume of smoke accentuating her dramatic movements. Gemma was laughing along, occasionally gasping at something outrageous that Noelle inevitably said. I laughed along too, loving both of them and thinking what heaven-sent angels they are. I couldn’t imagine a world without my girls. I didn’t even want to contemplate it.

  Draining the last of my wine, I declared, “We must top up!”

  “That we must indeed, darling!” Noelle agreed.

  “Can’t have empty glasses now, can we?” Gemma tacked on, swaying slightly.

  Noelle turned to Gemma in utter seriousness, hands on her shoulders, and fixed her gaze. She hiccuped slightly at the seriousness. “Now Gem, I feel like you are finally getting with the program.”

  “What – hic – program, babe?”

  “Why the one of utter debauchery and mess, and absolutely no fucking talk of bed before midnight!” she declared, smug as anything that sweet Gem has finally succumbed to our wicked ways. The sweet, sweet corrupting power of rosé.

  “I mean- hic - it was inevitable I guess,” she conceded. Poor thing was still hiccupping away.

  I slapped her on the back. “Babe, if you hold your breath for a minute it should get rid of them.”

  She spun round, fixing me with her big, soulful brown eyes and said seriously, “It will, won’t it.” She then proceeded to hold her breath, her cheeks inflating with the effort. Noelle and I struggled to hold our giggles in and before we knew it we were all rolling around in hysterics.

  Pulling myself together, I stood shakily from the mess and held my glass out. “Right girls, I’m gonna get the next bottle and then we are going to go on to have a dance somewhere.”

  Now that I was vertical the world was swaying around me and I felt a little nauseous. Fuck that last cig. I should know better by now that a cigarette will always tilt me over the edge if I’m even vaguely tipsy. I breathed in and out, trying to focus on calming the nausea. I chanted internally, ‘Xanthe, fucking grow up, you can do this. You can do this. You are not going to ruin one night because you got too fucked on one bottle of wine’.

  I decided the best thing to do is head to the bathroom and do another key. I checked my phone. Seven pm. A bit early but then it’s not every day that you break up from the love of your life. The guy you were supposed to be growing old with. Growing grey hairs. Gaining bouncy grandchildren. Before realising he’s a psycho piece of shit who probably never loved you and all he wanted to do was own you. Like you are an object with no sentient free will. Like you were just his little doll in his fucking doll house.

  F-U-C-K T-H-A-T

  I thought internally, over and over. I was a strong, independent, beautiful woman with beautiful, powerful friends. I didn’t need a man at all. No matter what Noelle claimed about me needing to sample the plentiful dick buffet on offer in London. The idea of being with anyone else other than Xander faintly terrified me. I cringed at that thought as I stumbled into the pub.

  Passing the bar, crowded with eager patrons, I headed to
the bathroom as I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that I’d be served. No bartender would look at me and think I was sober enough to warrant a new bottle of rosé, and if they did they were foolish fuckers.

  I headed to the bathroom, the lighting bright and harsh to my eyes now accustomed to the soft evening light outside. I stumbled inside one of the cubicles, the avocado coloured paint peeling, and phrases adorning either side of the cubicle. I sat down on the loo and held my head in my hands, trying to catch myself and regain control of the situation. Lifting my head up, I breathed in and out deeply, feeling somewhat more centred. I could do this.

  I fished inside my crossbody blue velvet ruched bag, a favourite of mine, and withdrew my sparkling silver purse. Looking inside I found my baggie, worryingly low, and fished out a substantial sized key, which I raised up to my nose, snorting it in heavily. I bring my fingers up to my nose, tidying myself up and tipping my head back, enjoying the feeling radiating out through my synapses. Electric, sparkling, fizzing. Filling myself up with a renewed sense of vigour. A new era beckoned and I would fucking smash every single moment of it.

  Smiling, I left the cubicle and saw a group of giggling girls finish up taking some selfies in front of the baroque style full length mirror. How adorable. Their innocence radiated off them in sickening waves. How the fuck had I got so jaded at the age of twenty-three?

  I headed to the sinks to wash my hands and I looked in the mirror, gazing at my reflection. My pupils were dilated, my eyes more black than blue, like my battered soul after the break-up. I slicked my matte dark mauve lipstick over my plump, bow lips and pursed them, letting them go with a satisfying pop. I let them hang open for a moment longer, unwilling to break my gaze with my reflection. I studied how my hair cut across my collarbones and how my cheekbones cut up my face; both too sharp, too lean. Xander loved it. He always had wanted me to be skinny. I had never thought much of it. If that made him happy then why not? It meant I wouldn’t be on the receiving end of comments as cutting as sharpened knives.