Little Doll: Queens of Chaos 1

by L. J. Findlay

  Unsure and conflicted, I slumped back in my seat. “Of course. I’m sorry, that was out of line.” I pouted. “Forgive me?”

  He gazed at me for a while longer before kissing me on the cheek. The sharp tingle of pain reminded me of his slap, his lips so contrastingly gentle to the brutality of his hand. “Of course, little doll,” he murmured, pulling away as the light turned green.

  The closer we approached Wimbledon, the worse my nausea grew, and it was with unsteady feet that I got out of the car, walking up to my childhood home. I should be happy but instead I regarded the red-brick façade covered with climbing green ivy as if it were a house of horrors. Xander put his arm around me and I leant into his embrace much to his satisfaction.

  Zac answered the door, smiling. “Ah there they are, my favourite couple.” He shook Xander’s hand and said, “How about you give me some time with my little sister, hm?”

  He smiled. “Of course. I will go say hi to Eleanor and see if I can help with anything.” He disappeared into the house.

  My brother then embraced me before pulling back, gazing at me fondly. “How about we have a quick word, little sister?”

  I pouted at that. He was only three years older than me but I let him guide me into the drawing room just off the corridor. I sank down on the plush, sage green sofa as Zac sat opposite me on the leather chest which served as a coffee table.

  He leant forward and affectionately brushed my hair back. I had to force myself to remain still and not shiver. I couldn’t gauge his reaction as we had only spoken briefly at that disastrous party for Marcus last week. He was always affectionate with me but my recent actions might have shifted something in him. Changed his perception of me. My relationship with my mother had shattered since Paris and I just hoped my father and my brother were willing to overlook everything.

  “Now, what have you got yourself into?” he asked, his concern lighting up his hazel eyes. Relief flooded me that he wasn’t angry, accusatory. I had a fighting chance.

  I smiled sheepishly at him and replied quietly, honestly. “I’m not sure. I didn’t do what Maxine is accusing me of though.”

  He smiled. “I’m glad. I saw you at the party and I think I would know if my little sister was on something.” He paused. “That’s not what I am concerned about. What are all these rumours about you and Blaise?”

  Shit. Did he believe them? “Baseless lies. I love Xander and I might have done some things that I regret but I have had some time to consider things and I realise that I need to atone for my actions.”

  “Thank God. Look, I know that it is tough sometimes and I don’t entirely condone the iron grip on you, Xan, but I’m sure it’s coming from a loving place. How hard can it be to play your part? It’s not like you’ve had a hard card dealt to you.” Zac laughed, gesturing at the lavish drawing room. He leant even closer as if he was trying to read my mind, that damn concern still swimming in his eyes. “What’s happened? Why have you acted out?”

  Forcing down tears, I tried to smile. “I know. I need to snap out of acting like a child.”

  Zac got up, helping me up, and hugging me tightly. “Well you always have me, little sister.” He kissed the top of my head and guided me back to the corridor. “Now how about we go rejoin the party?”

  On approaching the kitchen, I saw my mother standing by the huge sliding glass doors which opened onto the garden. She was speaking with Xander and his parents who were standing outside. She heard me approach and turned around, hands on hips. She had dark hair like me but hers was liberally streaked with white, and she had the same hazel eyes as Zac. Her pouty mouth, which I had also inherited, pulled into a disapproving frown upon seeing me.

  “Xanthe. Good to see you.” I moved towards her and kissed her on both cheeks obediently. She pulled back and looked at my outfit. “And good to see that you are finally acting appropriately.”

  I smiled and murmured, “I thought it was time to start acting my age.”

  She smiled in satisfaction at that. “Good. I can’t tell you how embarrassing the past couple of weeks have been.” She paused, shaking her head in disapproval. “What has got into you? You are so lucky that Xander has decided to overlook your childish folly.”

  He came up behind me, snaking his hands around my hips, and pulled me tight against his body. “I am lucky that she came to her senses.” He pulled me round, kissing my cheek. “I am just so lucky to have her.” My mother sighed approvingly. Fuck, if she only knew half of it, I thought in frustration. Xander turned his smile on my mother. “Mind if I drag her away or do you need a hand?”

  My mother replied, “Of course not! Spend all the time you want with her and I’ll get this out in a minute.” She headed over to the island in the centre of the kitchen, “Delphine and I will just get these salads out to the garden. Help yourself to drinks and we’ll be right out.”

  Xander gave me a glass of wine and we settled ourselves at the wrought iron garden table on the patio, overlooking the extensive garden. Once everyone else had joined us, my mother spoke up. “I hate to bring this up,” she said, shooting an apologetic glance at Xander’s parents. “But I suppose that we are all family here.” She laughed before focusing on me. “Xanthe, I want you to listen and do not argue because frankly we can’t really trust you based on your actions from the past couple weeks. We are, collectively, horrified but more importantly worried.” She placed a hand over me, a gesture of comfort but I felt trapped, pinned to the seat, a prisoner to the scene unfolding in front of me. “I mean really, Xanthe, what were you thinking? Xander has promised me that it isn’t a problem so I don’t think we need rehab…. We are more concerned about these alarming rumours of Blaise. I mean that’s really unattractive.” She laughed at that. “So we have come up with a rather neat solution. Thank God Xander agreed to it because what man would have you after what you’ve alleged done?” She gestured to Xander, smiling benevolently. “Xan… if you and Xan want privacy, you’re more than welcome to leave.”

  Xander scraped his chair back, holding out his hand. I took it wordlessly and let him guide me to the rose arch that led to the back garden. Our families watched on and all I wanted to do was run but I couldn’t. I had to see this through and act the demure, well-behaved little doll I was raised to be.

  Fighting the nausea and plastering on a wide smile, I watched Xander drop to his knee and suddenly I was transported back in time to when we were celebrating our university acceptances. Back to when I realised that I might not have as much agency over my own life as I had initially thought…

  * * *

  “What if I don’t want to go to the same uni as Xan?” I had asked, annoyed, as I pushed the food around my plate. “The course is better at my top choice and I prefer the city.”

  “Don’t pout, it’s unattractive,” my mother had snapped.

  I had glared at her. “Why does Xan get the choice?”

  She had laughed dismissively. “Because it’ll serve him better for his career.”

  “What if I want a career?” I snapped.

  “Oh you sweet child.” My mother laughed again, scoffing the very notion.

  Lionel, Xan’s father, had then spoken up, smiling at me. “And it’s also where I went to uni. I can promise you that you’ll both have a fantastic few years there.”

  I looked around the table and saw Xan looking angrily at me, as if I were being difficult for the sake of it. I didn’t want to upset him, and our families were all there so it wouldn’t do to cause a scene. So I said simply, “Of course. I’m being silly.” I laughed lightly. “Must be the stress of A-levels.”

  Everyone had laughed in agreement and the tension had lifted, but I still felt the uncomfortable feeling that something wasn’t right and I just didn’t understand it so I swept it to one side. I reasoned that if it was what Xan wanted then surely it was fine. It was just me getting worked up over nothing.

  * * *

  As I brought myself back from the memories, I smiled for real. I
f I hadn’t gone to that uni, I wouldn’t have met my girls who were heaven-sent angels so it wasn’t all bad, but I was constantly being put in these situations. I gazed down at Xander and flirted briefly with the idea of saying no. Would it force Blaise to rescue me? In all likelihood, it would only serve to get me committed. I’d rather be committed to marriage than to an asylum.

  He smiled up at me tightly, glaring at me. I was taking too long to answer so I laughed and said, “Of course, Xan. Yes, I mean yes!” I tried to inject girlish excitement into my voice and allowed him to slide on the ring, a big fat emerald surrounded by diamonds. His great-grandmother’s ring. He hugged me, kissing me deeply, and I tried to participate back even though every molecule of my body was protesting. I chanted over and over that I was just playing a part.

  I was playing a part when we returned to the table and our families congratulated us. My father popped open the bottle of 1996 Veuve Cliquot that he joked he bought when we were born because it was inevitable that this would happen. I hated that they couldn’t see that I was not happy; I felt like I was in a Perspex cage filled with water and no one could hear my screams. Of course they wouldn’t. To them this was the happiest day and it had finally arrived, five years too late as my mother kept on saying. I wanted to scream at her to shut the fuck up.

  “…Xanthe. Xanthe.” My mother waved at me and I smiled at her vacantly, having tuned out whatever drivel she was spouting. “The excitement of today has clearly got to you.” She smiled indulgently. “Anyway, Xander was saying this is perfect because he’s just got a promotion and it’s in New York!”

  “So exciting!”

  “Anyway, they want him to start the position in November so we thought about an October wedding. It’s long overdue so I don’t see any reason to wait any longer and I know Maxine will do a fantastic job. Although she would be fully entitled to say no after your behaviour last week.” She frowned as I tried to deny the accusations yet again. “I want no more excuses, young lady. I hope this engagement will start a new chapter. You can’t have such childish fits anymore.”

  “And you will have such fun in America,” my dad added before chuckling. “Xan knows what’ll happen if he doesn’t treat you right.”

  I sighed at that. If only my father knew half of how Xander treated me. He probably wouldn’t sanction the marriage. Just a shame that no one would believe me. I needed air and space to process everything I had learnt so I pushed my chair back and headed to the downstairs bathroom. I leant against the sink gazing at my reflection. My fucking little doll reflection. Xander had managed to lock me up in his doll’s house alright, and not just any doll’s house, but some fancy as fuck apartment in New York. I would be completely at his mercy. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t, but I didn’t know how I would escape.

  “Xan?” Zac knocked on the door lightly.

  Pulling myself together, I opened it, letting him in. He sat on the toilet seat and just looked at me. “I can’t go to New York with him.”

  “You’ll have to, Xan. You really do not have a say in this.”

  “And that’s okay with you?”

  “Well, no. I don’t want my little sister so worked up. I think you just need to ride out this storm and everything will be okay. It’s literally the first rough patch you’ve had in a decade. Surely you know this will pass? That if you throw this away you will only live to regret it and you will have managed to fracture our families. Is it worth it?” I just gazed at him, unable to come up with a response. He passed me my glass of champagne and a couple of pills. “Anyway, just think about it. Hopefully this will mean that you don’t do anything rash.”

  He left me stunned and I looked down at the pills and wanted to laugh. Xanax. Of course. How fitting. I didn’t dwell on my horror at Zac giving me this. I didn’t question whether it was right. I just needed to do as my big brother instructed. It would make the day go faster so I washed them down with the champagne and felt instantly calmer. I could do this. This was the answer. If Blaise refused to rescue me, I would pass through life in a haze of substances and alcohol. A perfect fucking little dosed up doll.

  I headed back out to the garden and kissed Xander, ignoring our mothers’ collective coos of approval. His relief that I was finally playing nice shone in his gaze and we whiled away the hours discussing the wedding and the move. It was a blessing in a way that my behaviour had been glossed over. One of life’s small mercies that all had been forgiven.

  We decided to stay over at my parents’ house that evening and when dinner had drawn to a close Xander and I headed to bed. I really didn’t want to share a bed with him but there was only so much I could deny him and I couldn’t make him suspicious. Everything that had happened was a direct result of acting too rashly. It would be easier to figure out a plan if he was distracted.

  Once we were in bed, he tried to kiss me but I just murmured, “Please, Xan. I’m just really sleepy, if that’s okay.”

  He huffed in disbelief, rolling over. “It’s been fucking weeks, Xan. Your little act today might have fooled the others but it hasn’t fooled me. You’re still infatuated with Blaise and it’s so fucking disrespectful. After everything I’ve done for you.”

  “It’s not that at all! We’ve discussed this. When I’m not in the mood, I’m not in the mood.”

  “You have two weeks. I fly to New York on Friday, dropped off by you, of course. My loving fiancée. And then, well, I think you really need to spend the week considering your actions. How you have behaved over the past few weeks. It is so unlike you and I expect you to act how is expected. How I expect you to behave. It’s really quite simple. It really will make life much easier, little doll.” With that he switched the light off.

  The next morning, Xander dropped me off at the flat after a silent car journey. I had nothing to say. He knew he had nothing to say. I had effectively been trapped in a loveless engagement, a forced relocation, and there was nothing I could do about it.

  As soon as I entered the flat, Noelle rushed out and on seeing her all the emotion I had pent up came flooding out and I sank to the floor, sobbing. She joined me and hugged me tight, stroking my hair, trying to console me but I was inconsolable. I had no idea what to do. I was trapped.

  Eventually, she helped me up and led me to the sitting room where she gave me a strong vodka and orange despite it being not yet ten in the morning, but I accepted gratefully and sipped on it, processing everything that had happened.

  Noelle looked at me sympathetically and, after a while, said quietly, “Is this really happening?”

  I looked at her and whispered back, “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”

  She hugged me tightly and murmured into my hair, “I will help you however I can, I promise you that babe. It’s fine.”

  Panic clawed again at my throat and I choked out, “They were going to commit me if I didn’t accept this engagement, No-No.”

  She pulled back, fury clouding her features and was about to say something but I heard a harsh male voice cutting through the tense sitting room. “There she is. The little fucking traitor.”

  I looked up to see Bastien standing there, glaring at me but his features gentled somewhat on seeing my tear-stained face and I was about to say something but then Noelle stepped in, fierce as a lioness. “No. Fuck you, Bastien. How dare you draw conclusions about something you don’t understand?”

  He had the grace to look somewhat sheepish but fury still laced his words like arsenic. “No. I think we need to have a little chat. I learnt that you got fucking engaged, Xanthe. Is that right, hm? Now what was all that about you loving Blaise and it not being a forty-eight hours hallucination of madness?” I swallowed, unable to defend myself, emotionally spent. Bastien only paused to regard me disdainfully before continuing mercilessly. “I was going to risk everything! Do you fucking understand that? So you better have a fucking good excuse for what happened.”

  “There’s no excuse,” I murmured. “I had no choice. It was ei
ther that or being sent to rehab because allegedly I have drug issues.” I laughed bitterly at that. “I was pushed into a corner and I don’t know what to fucking do, okay? Blaise isn’t speaking with me. He won’t hear me out and I don’t know what to do. I can’t go through with this wedding.” I paused, trying to get a grip on myself before saying quietly. “I don’t know what to do. And it’s worse than just the marriage. He’s going to ship me off to New York with him when he starts his promotion in November.”

  Noelle hissed at that but stayed silent. She knew anger wouldn’t get her anywhere in this situation. Bastien regarded me with clear mistrust on his face. “That still doesn’t fucking explain why you were gone all night with him. No wonder Blaise doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

  Anger flushed my cheeks and I downed the vodka orange before standing up, the alcohol giving me courage to defend myself and I walked right up to him, poking him in the chest. “No. Fuck you. And fuck Blaise if he thinks that. I have gone through so much anxiety about him sleeping with Isadora, who he is engaged to by the way, but have I thrown a tantrum? No. I have trusted him and I have faith that we will work together to find a way out of this situation. But now I just don’t fucking know, okay? And time is fucking running out, by the way.”

  He grabbed my hand and pinned me against the wall, glaring at me and I tipped my chin in defiance. He would not scare me like this although my traitorous heart was beating double time in fear at the vulnerable position I was in. “Stop acting like a little girl playing the big boys’ game, mmkay?” I scowled at him but he continued. “Don’t fucking argue. I’ll grant you this and I’ll fulfil the insane promise I made about helping this ridiculous affair you both have going on. I believe you enough that I will speak with Blaise when he gets back to London this afternoon, but if he wants nothing to do with you, then you will have to deal with that.” And on that, he stalked out of the room, leaving me against the wall, unable to move.