A Game to Love

by Fox Brison

  “I wouldn’t mind it,” he exclaimed. “I’d love to go to Morocco and watch you play.”

  “Maybe when you have your holidays in May you can come and watch me then.”

  “So what tournament is at the end of May?”

  “You’ll be at your Dad’s,” Emma interrupted.

  “He doesn’t want me.” Lawrie scowled his answer.

  “Yes he does. He’s just really bad at showing it.”

  “Whatever. I’m going to do my homework.”

  “Hang on,” I grabbed his arm. “You haven’t finished opening your present.” Lawrie ripped the rest of the paper off in his anger and frustration, then paused when he saw the drawing board.

  “It’s the one I told you about,” he said reverentially.

  “It is. I just hope it fits on your desk. Now you have no excuse not to become the next Christopher Wren or Norman Foster.” Lawrie held the drawing board as if it was made of gold and then gave me a kiss on the cheek before going to his room, still in stunned silence.

  “So this is it? Hence the flowers. You’re saying goodbye.”

  “No, well kind of. For now anyway. You started my journey, but I need to finish it alone. Do you understand?” I walked over and took her hand.

  Emma pulled it away and walked to the front door,

  “No I don’t!” She shook her head angrily. “Okay, yes, yes I do. I was your psychologist now someone else is fulfilling that role and that’s that.”

  “Jesus, Emma, enough! That is not that. For God’s sake I lied, alright? I’m saying I want an us. I need there to be an us. But for that to happen I have to allow myself to feel again, to give myself the luxury of allowing someone else to be there for me, for someone else to love me unconditionally.” I hung my head. “You know what? It’s too damned hard. I’m sick of fighting you on this, I have enough shit to battle against. Take care, Emma.”

  Emma watched me leave and this time I wasn’t sure I’d be back.

  Chapter 45

  Emma

  I sipped my glass of cabernet and watched Lawrie and Patrick throwing a rugby ball to each other in the back garden. “So are things still going strong with Julia?” I realised I hadn’t been the greatest support to Dana, because I had been so consumed by George and our non-existent relationship. We were having supper together, something we hadn’t managed to do for quite some time.

  “Good. Better than good, actually. She’s booked us into a hotel in Paris for a week long break.”

  “A week?”

  “Yes.”

  “You haven’t taken a week off to go anywhere but Wimbledon for the last few years.” I was secretly pleased, heck, I was overjoyed for Dana. She deserved to have someone in her life, someone who would shower her with love and respect.

  “No, but she wants me there.”

  “And that’s all it takes?” I snorted, a touch cynically.

  “I’m in love with her, Em. Compromise, making her smile. It’s all part of being in a relationship. I am not going to bugger this up because I’m scared, or because of my insecurities. Life’s tough sometimes, it’s hard when things don’t come easy. But that’s when you have to fight and work because you know what? Love doesn’t come around too often.”

  “Why does it sound like you are no longer referring to yourself?”

  “Do you know why we get on so well, Em?” I shrugged my response. “It’s because we’re so alike. We’ve both been running and hiding, probably because we know just how crazy the world can be. Thing is, it’s less crazy when you have someone who will hold you through the night and chase away the shadows.”

  “I love her, Dana,” I whispered. “I do.”

  “Eight weeks ago we lived in this nice orderly world. Then along came cute and cuter. Who would have thought when we sat having lunch in Cambridge that day just how much they would have rocked our world? And here’s the rub. Every word I said that day was true. But things change and now-”

  “Now it’s up to me. I know. George is no longer my client, age actually isn’t an issue but I just don’t think she needs me any longer. She’s doing so well, she won in Nuremberg last week.”

  “I know but she does need you, just not as a therapist. She needs you as a partner. She needs you as her family. And in fairness, you need her too.”

  “Oh, Dana, I’ve screwed up too many times. I slept with her in Colchester.”

  “I guessed. How did that go for you?”

  “It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, like there had never been anyone else, as if nothing else in the whole world mattered.”

  “So what’s the problem?” Dana asked, clearly frustrated if her tone was anything to go by.

  “Other things do matter,” I nodded towards Lawrie who was running rings around Patrick. He looked so young, yet at the same time so grown up. The doorbell rang and I checked the clock. “That’ll be Caroline.”

  “I’ll go,” Dana said getting up to let her in and I poured another glass of wine. Even though we had only met the once, Caroline and I had spoken on the phone several times, trying to co-ordinate our son’s ‘play dates.’ I chuckled. Lawrie hated when I called them that, but he and Patrick had a real bromance going on.

  “Hi Dana, Emma. I’m not interrupting I hope?” Caroline sat down and looked at the third glass. “Oh please tell me that’s mine?”

  “It is,” I smiled as she gratefully swigged a large mouthful. “You look like you needed that.”

  “We think the boys are hard work?” I nodded, slowly. “Well thank God you’re lesbians because husbands are ten times the trouble!”

  “Try being in a relationship when your menstrual cycle syncs, it can be hell,” Dana said dryly.

  “I’ll have to take your word for it, although sometimes I wouldn’t mind switching bloody teams. Anyway, I was wondering could I steal your son for the weekend, Emma?”

  “Please do. In fact, I’ll pay you to have him. He’s going through an incredibly grotty stage at the moment.”

  “Oh they all do, allegedly, and just think it’s only going to get worse when they discover girls.” Caroline shuddered. “Jules and Georgy were bad enough, but thankfully they were at boarding school!”

  “Maybe a little too much information.” Dana interrupted with a chuckle.

  “You know, I watched that pair grow up. They’ve been through so much together. Some things good, a helluva a lot of crap too.”

  “They have such a solid friendship, it’s actually quite lovely.” Dana mused.

  “Dana, I’ve never seen Jules quite as happy as I have this past month. She’s actually talking about the future like an adult, not about where her and her friends are going for their next jolly up. And, Emma, Georgy’s face lit up every time she talked about you.”

  I flushed. Caroline obviously didn’t know the full story. “Caroline-”

  “Emma, George was an emotional void before she met you. She built this wall and let no one in. No one. She was present, but it was like she was a visitor in her own life. Thanks to you, that is no longer an issue. I know you had a bit of a falling out but take a chance on her. She won’t let you down.”

  “It’s not just me though, is it? Lawrie has to come first, I can’t risk his happiness. Should George ever change her mind-”

  “Why don’t you talk to Lawrie?” Caroline interrupted. “He’s old enough now to ask his opinion, ask him what he wants. I think he might surprise you. He’s a wonderfully mature young man and, despite what you might think, he isn’t blinkered by his friendship with Georgy. He wants what’s best for both of you.”

  “How… has he talked to you?”

  “Kind of. He talked to Patrick who talked to us.” The boys were making their way over, shoulder barging as teenage boys did. I never have, and probably never will, get the whole trying to hurt each other bonding thing that boys do. “I hear Julia is travelling right now, Dana. Why don’t you two join us for lunch on Sunday?”

  “We’d love
to.” Dana answered for both of us.

  “Good enough. We’re going to be planning our half term trip. You do realise don’t you?”

  “Realise what?” Dana asked.

  “You take on one Ryan, you take on the whole bloody lot of us! Your romantic week in Paris might be hijacked, especially if Georgy qualifies.”

  ***

  “Lawrie, what do you think of George?” I was curled up on one end of the sofa, Lawrie on the other. The Walking Dead was on the television, but neither of us was paying it much attention.

  “I really like her, Mum. Why?” Lawrie shot a swift glance at me, then returned to the text he was sending Patrick.

  “Why do you like her?” I was honestly curious.

  “She listens, you know? She’s like a friend but an adult. I feel like I can trust her. Georgy was the one who made me see my friends were idiots. And they were. They only wanted to be my friend ‘cos of Dad and the things he bought me. Plus, they thought they could use me, I mean look at me, I’m a lot bigger than them. They wanted me to get them booze and stuff, and they wanted to come here so they wouldn’t get caught. If I didn’t they shut me out… well George suggested that maybe they weren’t the best friends to have. She told me to talk it over with you, but I didn’t want to worry you, so I just told them to piss off. Like I said, I’m a lot bigger than they are.”

  “Oh Lawrie! Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I didn’t want to worry you, Mum. Don’t you listen?”

  “Sorry. Are they causing you trouble at school? I could go and speak to your headmaster.”

  “It’s alright. They don’t bother me, plus I’ve got new mates. Patrick and his friend Stuart are cool. I meant to ask, Patrick is going to canoe lessons, can I go too?”

  “Of course, I’ll speak to Caroline about it on Sunday.”

  “Muuum.”

  “Yeeess, Lawrie.”

  “Why don’t you go to Paris and see George play? I know she wants you there.”

  “It isn’t as simple as that. And how do you know about Paris?” I prevaricated.

  “I heard Patrick’s Mum talking to Aunty Dana about it. I spoke to Dad last night and he said he’s looking forward to me going for the holidays. He’s got cup final tickets. I can’t go to France, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.”

  “I’ll think about it Lawrie, and thank you.” I gave his foot a squeeze. “I’m very lucky to have such a wonderful son.” But there was nothing to think about, there was nothing stopping me.

  Not anymore.

  Chapter 46

  Georgia

  “Dad, can I come over?” Peter Maskel almost dropped his phone in shock.

  “Of course, darling. I’ll pop the kettle on.”

  “Is Mum there?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. I’ll be there in two minutes, I’m just around the corner.”

  I disconnected the call and stared at the rain lashing down on the windscreen. I was stuck in traffic giving me time to think; yeah okay, so I know I normally hated this down time, but today it helped push me over the edge.

  It was time to reclaim my life completely.

  ***

  “I need to apologise, to both of you. I reacted badly in Australia and I suffered for it. I really suffered for it. I didn’t realise until recently just how much I threw away, willingly, I guess,” I shrugged, “maybe subliminally. I sabotaged everything because I was a coward. I was in the wrong head space.”

  “Finally, you’re taking some ownership of what happened. Christ, if I knew all it would take was a pretty psychiatrist we could have saved ourselves a fortune.” I ignored my Mum’s disparagement.

  “Helen, be quiet for once in your life and let Georgia speak. Go on, love.” My Dad smiled warmly at me and my heart filled like a helium balloon. Suddenly, no matter what happened today, I felt lighter, the weight was lifting and it felt good. I’d let depression consume me for far too long, not recognising it for what it was. It had eaten away at all the good in my world; nothing had ever healed the damage to my psyche that my mother inflicted each and every day of my life and nothing had ever filled the vacuum left by her revelation. Taking cocaine was my cry for help, I just hadn’t realised it until now.

  “Thanks, Dad,” I heard my mother huff and puff as she got up and walked to the window, but she wouldn’t throw me off, not this time. “If what had happened had happened at any other time, or in any other place, who knows? I might not have succumbed to temptation, but then again, I might have gone on an even bigger bender. But I’m healing.” I smiled at my father. “Thanks to you, Dad. I know you persuaded David to coach me and he quite possibly saved my career. If it wasn’t for him taking a chance on me, if it wasn’t for him believing in me, if he hadn’t put me in touch with Dr Myers…” I shrugged again. “I certainly wouldn’t be standing here feeling so positive and looking forward to the future, both in and out of tennis.” I pulled my Dad into a tight hug. He held me for an interminable amount of time; a picture may say a thousand words, but an embrace reveals a thousand emotions.

  I finally let him go and looked at my stone-faced mother. “Mum, I can never work with you again. You hurt me too much, and our relationship is damaged beyond repair. After coaching kids myself, after seeing how David treats his pupils, how he treats me,” I laughed scornfully, “I’m not surprised you only have Laura, and you will only ever have Laura. You should never, ever have anything to do with training a young woman who wants to play tennis professionally. Fuck, you should be banned from any tennis coaching at all. I know now you psychologically abused me for years. If it had been physical, you’d have been sent to prison, it was that bad.”

  “How dare you! Peter, are you going to let her speak to me like that?” She looked toward my Dad but he didn’t meet her gaze; he couldn’t, because not only had she abused me, she’d been abusing him too.

  “I dare,” I said, the strength in my heart allowing me to speak freely to my mother for only the second time in my entire life, “because I realised something. For some unfathomable reason, I’ve been protecting you for the last five years, heck for the last twenty years. My career imploded, my life was in the toilet and you couldn’t give a monkeys toss. Your own daughter. You must have despised me. I mean, the amount of times I heard the ‘I gave up everything’ speech, I honestly believed you loved me unconditionally. I grew up being conditioned into believing that. Wow. How wrong can one person be? You quickly flushed the toilet and moved onto Laura. If we had talked, if we’d tried to work things out, maybe it could have been different. But probably not. Because I was a failure in your eyes, wasn’t I? I never lived up to your reputation, at least the reputation you had in your head. I feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for you because you only have hate in your heart.” I looked at my mother, desperately searching for something. The thing was, I didn’t know what I was looking for. “What happened, Mum? What changed? One minute we were having fun on the court, smiling, really enjoying it, and then… you changed, I guess. I know it wasn’t me and it certainly wasn’t Dad. Everything became about the next match, the next win. You took the fun out of the game, for both of us. Why? Was it jealousy? A need to prove something to the world or simply a need to prove something to yourself.”

  My Mum didn’t answer, she stared at me with a sneer of disgust I recognised from my childhood and I knew our relationship was irrevocably broken.

  “Despite what you put me through I still have love in my heart, so I’m going to give you a choice. Will you tell Dad the truth, or will he have to hear it from me?”

  “What do you mean? Truth? Peter, she must be back on drugs. Ignore her.” My mother was clearly terrified, yet still believed she held the upper hand.

  She was wrong.

  “No I won’t, Helen, not anymore.” He looked at me. “I gather this was why there was the breakdown. She told you I wasn’t your father?”

  “You… you know?” I sat down with a bang.

  “Of cours
e, I’m not stupid. When you were born I loved you so much, Georgia, from the very first second I loved being a Dad, I loved being your Dad. I wanted more children, but your mother could never get pregnant. She said it was because of complications during your delivery, but the doctors all told me it was a very straightforward birth. So I went to a fertility clinic and was told I wasn’t capable of fathering a child, not then, not now, not ever.”

  There were tears in his eyes and I went over and kneeled at his feet. “Oh, Dad, please. It’s okay.”

  “It’s not, Georgia. I wasn’t enough of a man to father you and I wasn’t enough of a man to protect you. I was so scared, so so terrified that if I stood up to your mother she would take you away from me. I let you suffer; you weren’t the coward, Georgia, I was.” He hung his head.

  My Dad, and I would always think of him like that, was enough of a man to have raised me with love and care; he was enough of a man to have taught me respect and pride. He was more than enough of a man to be my Dad.

  “Anyone can be a father, but you’re more than that, you’re my Dad.” I gave him a smile, a strong one, a proud one. “I’m sorry, I should have talked to you. When Mum told me, I lost it. I thought… I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore, that you’d be disappointed or something.” We were both crying now, tears for what we’d lost, tears for what we were regaining. It was cathartic. It was cleansing.

  “Never. You were the greatest achievement in my life. Your first steps, your first word, the first time you picked up a racket. I remember each and every special moment.” He wiped the salty tears from my cheeks with his thumb. It was an action he’d done many a time when I was younger and had scraped a knee or lost a match. It was so familiar yet at the same time, brand new. This was a new start for both of us. “In my heart you are my daughter. In my memories, you are my daughter. Nothing can ever take that away from us, okay? I don’t care what happens from here on in. I have you back and I am never ever going to lose you again.”