Dealing with Clair

by Martin Crimp

  Martin Crimp

  DEALING WITH CLAIR

  NICK HERN BOOKS

  London

  www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

  Contents

  Original Production

  Characters

  Set

  Note

  Dealing with Clair

  About the Author

  Copyright and Performing Rights Information

  Dealing with Clair was first performed at the Orange Tree Theatre, Richmond, on 13 October 1988, with the following cast:

  JAMES Tom Courtenay

  MIKE John Michie

  LIZ Julia Hills

  CLAIR Janine Wood

  ANNA Anna Mazzotti

  ASHLEY/VITTORIO/TOBY Matthew Sim

  Director Sam Walters

  Designer Anne Gruenberg

  Dealing with Clair was revived at the Orange Tree Theatre, Richmond, in a co-production with English Touring Theatre on 26 October 2018, with the following cast:

  CLAIR Lizzy Watts

  MIKE Tom Mothersdale

  LIZ Hara Yannas

  ANNA Roseanna Frascona

  JAMES Michael Gould

  ASHLEY/VITTORIO/TOBY Gabriel Akuwudike

  Director Richard Twyman

  Designer Fly Davis

  Lighting Designer Joshua Carr

  Sound Designer & Composer Alexandra Faye Braithwaite

  Costume Supervisor Lisa Aitken

  Movement Director Shelley Maxwell

  Casting Director Serena Hill

  Characters

  JAMES, a cash-buyer

  MIKE, thirty LIZ, thirty

  CLAIR, twenty-five, negotiator to the vendors

  ANNA, seventeen, the vendors’ Italian nanny

  ASHLEY, twenty-five, a tradesman

  VITTORIO, twenty-two, a friend of Anna

  TOBY, twenty-five, a colleague of Clair

  Set

  The place is London, the month August – with the exception of the final scene which takes place in October of the same year.

  There are three locations:

  1. A room in the vendors’ house. Doorways to hall and kitchen. A tall sash window faces north.

  2. Clair’s flat. A small studio room.

  3. The vendors’ garden.

  Note

  A comma on a separate line indicates a pause, the exact during of which must be determined from the context.

  ACT ONE

  1

  Darkness.

  The sound of a high-speed train approaching. As it reaches maximum, the light comes up to reveal CLAIR talking on the phone at night in her tiny flat. The train passes right outside the window. Only as it recedes can we hear her speak.

  CLAIR.…simply that we are in the middle of it and so of course there’s a certain amount of aggression which we must deal with. We must deal with it but

  Aggression, aggression, aggression not

  Aggression, not violence. Simply simply

  Please listen to me: not violence, simply that that that people’s yes their feelings are aroused, their feelings are naturally aroused and so it is a strain, it is a stress, yes, to deal, undeniably, to deal with people, yes. But

  that

  that

  that is what I enjoy. That is what I am good at, okay? What ‘risk’? You’re being ridiculous.

  Sound of a train approaching. She raises her voice.

  I’m not angry. I’m not angry, I’m just trying to explain… okay, I sound angry, but I’m not angry, I’m just trying to explain one or two things, one or two things about…

  The train passes, making it momentarily impossible to speak.

  …one or two things about what? (Laughs.)

  What young man? What young man? Come on, come on, there is no ‘young man’.

  Toby? (Laughs.) Toby is history. I will never forgive him for what happened in the restaurant.

  What? Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I tell you what happened in the restaurant? The bill? Okay, there’s what? six of us? eight of us? in this smart Italian place (are you sure I didn’t tell you about this?)

  Okay, so we’re celebrating opening the new office (because suddenly we’ve got new offices opening everywhere – it’s insane) and anyway

  Anyway, when the bill comes the assumption quite naturally is that we will divide it, we will divide it by six or by eight or by however many of us there are.

  As you do. Exactly. But then Toby, Toby, Toby starts this business where he says that the two of us (as if we’re some kind of married couple) that the two of us have had less than the others.

  Exactly. Of course it’s not appropriate, But he asks for the menu back and he makes (can you believe this?) makes everyone calculate their own separate totals at which point I want to

  Well exactly: die. And of course the separate totals no way do they add up to the exact amount on the bill. But he won’t let it rest, he just goes on and on and on about who drank this, who ate that…

  Sound of train approaching. She raises her voice.

  …who had coffee, who didn’t have coffee. And the worst thing is that I am drawn into this, I am sucked into this, because Toby is implicating me in this mad mad mad, this mad… thing.

  The train passes. CLAIR rummages in her bag.

  Yup, yup, yup, of course I’m listening. I’m just looking for… I’m just looking for…

  No I am not ‘looking for a cigarette’. You know I’ve given up.

  She produces a cigarette.

  Yes, I promise you I’ve given up. I’m just – one moment…

  She rummages for her lighter.

  Of course I’m still here, just I can’t find my diary…

  Yes, yes – diary – diary – should be here in my bag…

  I am not lying. I know it kills you. And that’s why I’ve stopped, okay? (Brightly.) Listen, did I tell you I’ve decorated?

  That’s right. Bank Holiday Monday. I’ve done the whole place in a kind of… (Looks round the room.) a kind of… well I suppose it’s what you’d call neutral, it’s not really a colour, it’s a kind of nothing, just a kind of nothing sort of what?

  Live with it? I won’t be living with it.

  Yes I know I’ve only just bought it, but I didn’t buy it to live in it, I bought it to sell it, as you well know. And anyway, what’s wrong with neutral?

  A train passes, but faintly in the distance. She tips out the contents of her bag, finds lighter, clicks it, no flame.

  Sorry? I was dreaming. What?

  Well I know you and Dad wouldn’t’ve thought that way. I know you were grateful just to have a home. I know you had to economise. I know you had to make sacrifices but the world’s just not like that any more. Why should we make sacrifices? Sacrifices for what? I don’t have anyone to make sacrifices for, and I certainly don’t intend to sacrifice myself thank you very much. And I happen to be very happy with my life.

  Well I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I don’t sound happy. Just tell me what ‘happy’ sounds like – okay?

  Well exactly. Thank you. And besides, it’s not for ever.

  Selling houses. It’s not for ever. Who knows what I’ll do? Maybe make a killing and just… disappear.

  (Laughs.) That’s right. Vanish.

  Sound of a train approaching. CLAIR goes to the window. (Laughs.) Of course you can come too. I’ll buy you both a mansion on the beach.

  Exactly: right next to the water.

  All that sand and blue sea.

  She laughs and turns to the window.

  At the moment of the train’s maximum impact: blackout.

  The rush and whine of the train continues – finally fading away as the light comes up on the next scene.

  2

  A room in the vendors’ house.
Morning.

  CLAIR stands exactly as in the previous scene, in front of a tall window, her back turned.

  MIKE stands on the other side of the room, looking at her.

  After a long silence, she senses his look and turns. Both smile.

  MIKE. Look, I’m sorry, I haven’t shown you the garden.

  CLAIR. I don’t think I need to go out there.

  MIKE. I’m afraid it faces north.

  CLAIR. Yes, but it’s a garden.

  Both faint laugh.

  The plant along the wall…

  MIKE. Yes, that’s a vine.

  CLAIR. Right, that’s good. Vines are a good feature.

  MIKE. Yes, that’s why we put it in, I’m afraid. Because we liked it as it was, but we’ve tried to do as much as we can out there with an eye to selling.

  CLAIR. The slabs.

  MIKE. Yes, I put down those slabs.

  ,

  I’m afraid it’s never had any fruit.

  CLAIR. Well… (Irrelevant.)

  MIKE. I’m not sure what we’d do with it if it did. We’re not gardeners, are you?

  CLAIR. You’re joking.

  Both faint laugh.

  May I ask how long you’ve been here?

  MIKE. It’s a couple of years now. Well that’s what we planned. I think any longer than that in one place and unfortunately you just start to tread water.

  CLAIR. Well, in the present climate…

  MIKE. That’s right.

  ,

  So.

  CLAIR. Well I think we’re probably looking at six seven five.

  MIKE. Six seven five.

  CLAIR. I think we could try it.

  MIKE. Right.

  ,

  CLAIR. You’re not happy with that.

  MIKE. We’d actually like to try seven fifty.

  CLAIR. Seven fifty.

  MIKE. Well I think so, don’t you.

  CLAIR. You know number five went recently.

  MIKE. And that was how much?

  CLAIR. Six seventy.

  MIKE. Six seventy, when was that?

  CLAIR. It’s a month or so now. Of course people are achieving some very good prices with these older properties. And this is a good road.

  MIKE. Of course a lot of it was tenants.

  CLAIR. Yes, but that’s changing.

  MIKE. Mind you it’s quite disgusting what’s happening to the tenants.

  ,

  You know we’ve got four bedrooms here.

  CLAIR. Well yes, you’ve got a –

  MIKE. That’s right, because most of these properties only have three. Number five only has three.

  CLAIR. It doesn’t have a window, does it.

  MIKE. It doesn’t have a window as such, but it’s a good size. We’ve put our Italian girl in there actually. She loves the atmosphere. I mean here. In England. She’s from Naples.

  CLAIR. But not the room.

  MIKE. I’m sorry?

  ,

  No, she’s very pleased with the room. It’s the first time she’s had her own room.

  ,

  CLAIR. Seven hundred and fifty.

  MIKE. Well I think we could give it a try, don’t you?

  CLAIR. It’s pushing it.

  MIKE (faint laugh). Well I know.

  CLAIR. But of course people are getting away with it.

  MIKE. Well I know. That’s the thing. People are – unfortunately – getting away with it, as you say. And so, well, you see our dilemma. I mean I know the whole thing’s hateful.

  CLAIR. Well…

  MIKE. But look what I mean is, is assuming we can get it, assuming we can get this price, because actually I think it’s a perfectly realistic price, but assuming we can achieve that, well obviously we’d like to behave honourably in this if you see what I mean.

  CLAIR. I’m sorry, how’s that?

  MIKE. Well what I mean is, is I simply mean I think strictly first come first served, don’t you, as far as any offers are concerned.

  CLAIR. Well yes, if that’s how you feel.

  MIKE. Well don’t you think that’s right.

  CLAIR. Well yes, of course, if that’s how you feel, yes. Of course what we’d normally do is advise you to accept the best offer we receive, I mean with regard not just to the price, but taking into account who’s in the best position to exchange.

  MIKE. Yes. Well actually that’s just the kind of thing I mean.

  CLAIR. Because naturally we try to do what’s best for our clients.

  MIKE. Well yes. I see that.

  ,

  CLAIR. But of course it’s absolutely up to you.

  MIKE. Right.

  ,

  CLAIR. I mean if someone comes along with cash.

  MIKE. Right.

  CLAIR. That’s all I mean.

  ,

  Well we’ll get the details out as soon as we can, Mr Walsum.

  MIKE. Mike, it’s Mike.

  CLAIR. Mike. Fine.

  She’s about to go.

  MIKE. You don’t live near the Green, do you Clair?

  CLAIR. I’m sorry?

  MIKE. I’m sorry, it is Clair isn’t it.

  CLAIR. Yes.

  MIKE. I say: you don’t live near the Green.

  CLAIR (on the word ‘near’). No. I’m further north.

  MIKE. It’s only a girl crossed the road in front of my car down there. At the lights. I’m sure it was you.

  CLAIR. A girl.

  MIKE. Yes.

  CLAIR (faint laugh). I must look like somebody else.

  MIKE. Surely not.

  That this is intended as a compliment is not lost on CLAIR.

  LIZ is standing in the doorway.

  Right. Good. Clair.

  MIKE and CLAIR shake hands.

  LIZ. So everything’s settled, is it?

  MIKE. Fine, it’s fine.

  LIZ. He has told you how we feel, hasn’t he?

  MIKE. Yes, yes it’s fine. What, is she asleep?

  LIZ. Just gone.

  CLAIR. She’s lovely.

  LIZ. She’s lovely when she’s asleep. No, it’s just that we want to behave honourably in this.

  CLAIR. Mr Walsum’s told me your position.

  LIZ. Because it’s a hateful business.

  CLAIR. No. Of course. It’s absolutely up to you.

  LIZ. Has she seen the garden?

  CLAIR. I’ve seen it from the window.

  LIZ. I’m afraid we’re not gardeners, are we.

  ,

  CLAIR. Have you found somewhere?

  LIZ. Actually we’re going to take a flat, aren’t we.

  MIKE. Of course it will mean being on top of each other for a while.

  LIZ. Yes, it’s going to be a little difficult…

  MIKE. What with Anna…

  LIZ. Well even without Anna, Mike. Because really it’s very small. But we’ll have the advantage of being cash.

  CLAIR. You’ll be in a good position.

  LIZ. Well yes, we will. And of course we’ll be less pressured…

  MIKE. We want to take our time over this one.

  LIZ. Because we have some friends of ours…

  MIKE. Poppy and Max…

  LIZ.…who panicked completely and ended up living on a railway, didn’t they Mike.

  They all laugh.

  CLAIR. Of course it’s not necessarily a bad investment.

  MIKE. Yes, but they’re horribly overlooked, aren’t they.

  CLAIR. Listen, will you want to leave a key with us?

  LIZ. Well I think we should, don’t you.

  MIKE. I can drop one round.

  LIZ (laughs). Just make sure no one sees the stain.

  MIKE. That’s right. Steer them clear of the stain.

  CLAIR. I’m sorry? The stain? What is that?

  LIZ. I think you’re standing on it actually.

  CLAIR faint laugh, looks down, moves a little.

  CLAIR. Right. I’ll… I’ll try to avoid the stain. We’ll get the details out as
soon as we can.

  CLAIR moves off. MIKE follows.

  A baby’s crying.

  LIZ. Anna. (Louder.) Anna, she’s awake.

  She goes to the hall doorway and calls.

  Anna, she’s awake.

  She’s about to go out, when the crying stops.

  MIKE returns.

  MIKE. What is it?

  LIZ. She’s awake.

  MIKE. Won’t Anna go?

  LIZ. She just has.

  They embrace.

  So she’s agreed seven fifty.

  MIKE. She didn’t want to. She knew about number five.

  LIZ. But it’s only got three bedrooms.

  MIKE. I told her that.

  ,

  Sweet, isn’t she?

  LIZ. What?

  MIKE. Clair.

  LIZ. Is she?

  She moves away.

  Look, I’d better go.

  MIKE. Hasn’t Anna gone?

  LIZ. It’s her day off.

  MIKE. She doesn’t mind. Look, d’you want a coffee? Liz?

  But LIZ has gone.

  MIKE goes into the kitchen. The stage is empty for a moment.

  Then ANNA, the Italian girl, appears in a dressing gown. She approaches the house phone, but seems uncertain about using it.

  MIKE reappears.

  Good morning.

  ,

  Do we have a problem?

  ANNA. Is alright if I telephone, Mr Walsum?

  MIKE. Why’re you asking me that?

  ANNA (holds up her mobile). Out of credit.

  MIKE. Use the house phone, you mean.

  ANNA. Use the house phone – yes.

  MIKE. Sure – go ahead – provided it’s not Australia. (Faint laugh.)

  ANNA. Sorry?

  MIKE. I say: as long as it’s not Australia.

  ANNA. No no. Italy.

  ,

  MIKE. Fine. That’s fine.

  ANNA. You don’t mind?

  MIKE. Italy is absolutely fine. Just keep it short please.

  He doesn’t move.

  ANNA. My family.

  MIKE. No no, that’s fine. Please go ahead. Just keep it short, that’s all.

  MIKE returns to the kitchen.

  ANNA dials, waits, waits some more, hangs up and is about to leave when MIKE reappears with coffee.

  Well you were quick.

  ANNA. Is no one there.

  MIKE. What, in the whole of Italy? (Laughs.)

  ANNA. I’m sorry?

  ,

  MIKE. Look, has someone, well I mean you actually, you haven’t, you haven’t been smoking upstairs have you? It’s just Mrs Walsum – Liz – Liz thought she could smell smoke up there, that’s all, the other day I think it was.