by Martin Crimp
Both laugh.
What’s he like?
CLAIR. Toby? (Shrugs.)
JAMES. Would we’ve hit it off?
CLAIR. No.
They laugh.
JAMES. Is he in front of you or behind you?
CLAIR. He’s to the side.
JAMES. The left.
CLAIR. Yes.
JAMES. You turn to your left and there’s Toby. He’s on the phone but he’s looking at you.
CLAIR. No, he’s working.
,
JAMES. Yes, of course he is.
CLAIR. I asked him to come.
JAMES. Did you?
CLAIR. I should be at lunch.
JAMES. We can have lunch after this.
CLAIR. Because now we’re having to work in the evenings…
JAMES. And this is work.
CLAIR. Yes. Yes, it’s a long day.
,
JAMES. Yes, of course it is.
CLAIR. Sometimes it’s a strain dealing with people.
JAMES. I can imagine.
CLAIR. Because we’re caught in the middle of it.
JAMES. Which is what you’re paid for.
CLAIR. Yes.
JAMES. Whatever per cent. And you enjoy it.
CLAIR. Yes.
JAMES. Because you like dealing with people. You like people.
CLAIR. Yes. Yes I do.
JAMES. So why is it you don’t seem happy, Clair?
CLAIR. I’m perfectly happy.
JAMES. But you don’t sound happy.
CLAIR (with anger). Well I’m sorry.
,
JAMES. Listen, I ought to get on. (Takes out a folding surveyor’s rule.) It will be rather unfortunate if these pieces of mine don’t fit.
JAMES measures. CLAIR, still angry, moves away and pokes at the cards with her shoe.
CLAIR. I’m sorry if I don’t ‘sound happy’. You’ll have to tell me what ‘happy’ sounds like.
JAMES measures, says nothing.
CLAIR laughs in spite of herself.
And it’s not a bathroom. It’s a shower room. If we don’t describe things accurately, there can be misunderstandings.
JAMES (without looking up). I’m sure.
CLAIR. And we try to avoid – obviously – avoid – misunderstandings. We try not to give people expectations that can’t be fulfilled. Or they feel cheated. Disappointed. And of course they blame us.
JAMES (as before). For what?
CLAIR (shrugs). For everything. (Smiles.) But yes, there is a little glass shelf. How did you know that?
JAMES (looks up at her). Oh, there’s always a little glass shelf, Clair. Just above the sink.
Both faint laugh.
Do you know what turmeric is?
CLAIR. You put it in curry. It makes it yellow.
JAMES. That’s right.
I’ll need to come along there.
CLAIR kneels and begins picking up the cards.
CLAIR. How was Rome?
JAMES. How was Rome?
,
Look, you shouldn’t be doing that. Hot. Rome was hot.
CLAIR. And you exchange tomorrow.
JAMES. Tomorrow morning.
CLAIR finishes clearing up the cards. JAMES stops measuring and watches. She senses his look and turns.
You shouldn’t’ve done that.
CLAIR moves out of the way. He measures.
CLAIR. Your wife must be excited.
JAMES. Must she?
CLAIR. I thought you said you’d told her.
JAMES. Yes I did. Yes I have. And yes you’re right she is. And of course the boy. Because it’s a miserable life for Mark in that hotel.
CLAIR looks at him.
It’s not good for a boy, is it. Do you have children?
CLAIR. No.
JAMES. I’ve asked you that before. And you gave me the same answer. You have no children. You live on your own. You’re very happy on your own. I’m sorry. Because I think it’s a kind of measure, isn’t it, of people. There’s a way of measuring people by listening to how often they repeat themselves. With some it’s just the same thing every day. But with others – drunks for example, the insane – it’s the same every moment of every day. And here am I repeating myself. Because it’s funny isn’t it, how you are terribly aware of everybody else’s faults, and then you find you share them too.
CLAIR (with a laugh). Speak for yourself.
JAMES also laughs. He folds up the rule.
Well?
JAMES. What’s that?
CLAIR. Will they fit?
JAMES. Do you know I’m hopeless at this sort of thing. What do you think?
Both laugh.
CLAIR. Look, really we ought to go.
JAMES. But you’re at lunch.
CLAIR is holding the cards, flicking through them with her thumb.
Do you know, I think we’re going to be very happy here. Since this will be our smallest house, but our biggest city. And I think there’s a lot of nonsense spoken about cities, don’t you. Because yes yes yes, we all know that strangers live next door to strangers. We’ve all passed friends in the street because the moment of recognition has occurred too late, and you’re both too embarrassed – or something else – too… fixed, too fixed in your mind to turn. And yes yes yes, we’ve all, as strangers, woken up in the morning to find our faces inches away from the open eyes of another stranger. We get up. We dress on opposite sides of the bed. Then we fold the bed away maybe… A little ashamed perhaps, or at any rate too preoccupied to speak. But what does any of that matter? Because surely the great advantage is, that since we don’t know each other, since we’ve never seen into each other’s hearts, then we respect each other.
CLAIR. That would be nice if it was true.
JAMES. Isn’t it true?
CLAIR faint laugh.
And have you described this accurately?
CLAIR. This what?
JAMES. May I have those? (Takes the cards from CLAIR.) This what? This… situation. (Cuts the cards.)
CLAIR. I hope so. Yes.
JAMES (giving her half the cards). Beggar My Neighbour. What do you say.
CLAIR (laughs). Please…
JAMES. Well what then?
CLAIR. Look, I don’t play cards.
JAMES. You don’t play cards? Is this a matter of principle with you?
CLAIR (laughs). No…
JAMES. So what about snap then? You’re not going to make a moral issue out of snap, are you. Money’s not involved after all. Only chance. (Sits.) Yes yes yes, you have to go. Listen, one or two minutes, that’s all.
A moment passes. CLAIR sits to play.
Well there you are.
CLAIR. I should be at lunch.
JAMES. Well you are at lunch. This is lunch. Please.
CLAIR lays the first card. Laying of cards gradually accelerates.
(With loud enthusiasm). Snap!
He takes his cards. They lay cards as before.
Snap!
He takes his cards. They lay cards as before until JAMES indicates to CLAIR to stop.
Well?
CLAIR faint laugh.
These two cards, aren’t they the same?
CLAIR. Yes.
JAMES. Well.
,
You don’t seem to be entering into the spirit.
,
Look, I’m giving you a chance, Clair. I wouldn’t give everybody this kind of chance.
CLAIR faint laugh.
Well? What is it you have to say?
CLAIR. Look, I… (Gets up.)
JAMES. Please, you have to say it.
CLAIR. I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous.
JAMES (on ‘ridiculous’). No it’s not ridiculous. I’ve said it. You must say it.
,
CLAIR. Snap.
JAMES. What?
CLAIR. Snap.
JAMES (loud). What? Snap?
CLAIR. Yes.
JAMES. Yes, well say it.
JAMES (gets up and gives her the cards). These are yours. No. All of them. Please. They’re all yours. You’ve won.
She takes the cards.
CLAIR. We ought to go.
JAMES. So what are you doing about eating?
CLAIR. I’ve got sandwiches.
JAMES. Well, another time.
CLAIR. Yes.
JAMES. What? (Loud.) What?
CLAIR (loud). YES.
Both laugh.
JAMES. Good.
,
But we won’t will we.
CLAIR. I shouldn’t think so.
JAMES. No. I shouldn’t think so either.
Sound of laughter off.
Is there somebody here?
They listen. Silence. CLAIR moves to the hall doorway.
CLAIR (calls). Hello? (Louder.) Hello?
Silence.
There shouldn’t be.
She comes back to JAMES.
JAMES. It strikes me we’re rather similar people, aren’t we. I mean what is it, is there something wrong with us perhaps, that’s what I’m beginning to wonder. Because here we are, we’ve been together in this room, this house, twice now. And –
CLAIR. Three times.
,
JAMES. Is it?
,
Do you know what I’d very much like to do now, Clair.
CLAIR is about to speak but breaks off as she notices JAMES’s gaze shift to a point behind her. She turns to see ANNA standing in the hall doorway.
CLAIR. Oh. Hello. I’m sorry about this.
ANNA. It’s my day off.
CLAIR. Yes, I’m sorry. I was told there’d be no one here.
ANNA. This is my day off.
CLAIR. Yes of course. (To JAMES.) They told me the house would be empty.
VITTORIO, a young man smoking a cigarette, comes in behind ANNA and puts his arms around her waist. She puts her hands on his.
Anyway. Listen. I think we’ve – haven’t we – finished – is that right?
ANNA. Please don’t tell Mrs Walsum.
CLAIR (to JAMES). You didn’t want to look upstairs. Did you?
VITTORIO (sotto voce). Non è la loro, vero?
ANNA (sotto voce). No, lei è l’agente immobiliare.
VITTORIO. Cosa? Ha la chiave?
ANNA. Non ha importanza.
ANNA takes the cigarette and inhales before returning it to VITTORIO’s hand. Neither of them shows any embarrassment.
CLAIR. Listen, I’m sorry if we’ve… Look, I was told there’d be no one here.
ANNA. Please don’t tell them, okay.
VITTORIO. Guarderanno di sopra?
ANNA. No. Se ne andranno.
VITTORIO. Ma tu passerai dei guai.
ANNA. No. Non lo diranno a nessuno.
JAMES. Well of course we won’t. Of course we won’t tell anyone.
ANNA. Thank you.
VITTORIO and ANNA go.
JAMES. Do you know what I’d very much like to do now, Clair. I’d like to go out into the garden.
Blackout.
3
Afternoon. LIZ and MIKE. Both quiet and tense.
MIKE. Well he might show. I suppose he might still show.
LIZ. Yes.
MIKE. I mean what are they doing, are they phoning?
LIZ. They’ve been phoning.
MIKE. Well are they sending someone?
LIZ. I don’t know.
MIKE. Well you’ve spoken to them.
LIZ. I told you I don’t know.
,
MIKE. I’m sorry.
,
LIZ (together). I mean –
MIKE (together). But listen –
,
Well come on.
LIZ. Nothing.
MIKE. You were going to say something.
LIZ. It’s nothing.
,
All I was going to say was –
MIKE. I mean since you interrupted me.
LIZ. Well go on then.
MIKE. No no. Please. You were going to say something.
,
LIZ. All I was going to say was is it’s obvious he’s not going to.
MIKE. Is that what they said?
LIZ. No, but it’s obvious.
MIKE. I don’t see that it’s obvious.
LIZ. You know it’s obvious.
,
Look, we both know it’s obvious.
MIKE. But he must have a number, he must have an address.
LIZ. Yes.
MIKE. Well are they sending someone?
LIZ. Well obviously not.
MIKE. Is that what they said?
LIZ. Look, I can’t repeat…
MIKE. I know you can’t.
LIZ. …word for word what they said.
MIKE. I know you can’t, but they must’ve said something.
LIZ. I’ve told you what they said.
MIKE. Well it keeps changing.
LIZ. It doesn’t keep changing. They appreciate our position but there’s nothing they can do.
MIKE. Well I’m sorry but I find that hard to believe.
LIZ. Well you speak to them.
MIKE. I’m not speaking to them.
,
I’m not speaking to them: all I want to know is to know what’s happening.
LIZ. We know what’s happened.
MIKE. We don’t know what’s happened. What’s happened is everyone thinks they know what’s happened.
LIZ. Well it’s obvious what’s happened.
MIKE. Well I don’t see that it’s obvious.
,
Well I’m sorry, and perhaps there’s something wrong with me but I don’t see that it’s at all obvious, because the fact remains –
LIZ. Well look, if you refuse to see it –
MIKE. The fact remains that what we’re talking about here are two quite unrelated things.
LIZ. Well of course they’re related.
MIKE. Yes, that’s the assumption.
LIZ. Well if you refuse to be realistic about it
MIKE. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but look what is this? What is this? Because what I’m trying to be is realistic, that’s exactly my point. Because everyone else is just letting their imagination –
LIZ (on ‘imagination’). Well listen, you talk to them.
MIKE. I’m not talking to them.
LIZ. Well if you won’t talk to them.
,
MIKE. Because the fact remains –
LIZ. I mean if you won’t even talk to them.
MIKE. The fact remains, doesn’t it, that we know her movements and we know she went back to work in the afternoon.
LIZ. No.
,
No she didn’t.
MIKE. You said she did.
LIZ. I’ve already told you she didn’t.
MIKE. You said she didn’t go in this morning.
LIZ. I said – if you’d listened you would’ve heard that what I said was was she hasn’t been in this morning and she didn’t go back yesterday afternoon.
MIKE. Well if you’d told me that.
LIZ. I have told you that.
MIKE. I mean if you’d just told me that in the first place.
,
It’s all we need, isn’t it.
LIZ. Mike.
MIKE. I just mean this is all we need.
LIZ. Yes but there is Clair, there is Clair to consider.
MIKE. Well fuck quite frankly, fuck Clair.
No, look, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Because if that’s what’s happened although I still don’t really see that it’s likely then naturally, naturally I have every sympathy for Clair. But Jesus Christ the fact remains the man was supposed to exchange. Yes yes yes I know it’s terrible.
,
I mean obviously it’s terrible.
,
Fuck.
,
Look, you know I like Clair. I’ve always said: I like Clair.
LIZ. Y
es I know.
MIKE. Well what’s that supposed to mean?
,
I mean what is that supposed to mean exactly?
LIZ. I just mean if you’d gone round with him instead…
MIKE. That’s Clair’s job. Clair is paid – she is paid – by us – whatever per cent – to go round with people. Because –
LIZ. Alright. I know.
MIKE. Well come on.
,
I mean if she can’t look after herself.
,
Because listen, let’s be realistic about this. What are we supposed to imagine? Are we supposed to imagine he took her by the throat and dragged her off…
LIZ. No obviously not.
MIKE. Dragged her off in broad daylight – this was what, lunchtime – to his… whatever it was.
,
LIZ. BMW.
MIKE. BMW.
Both faint laugh. They relax a little.
Because –
LIZ. No, obviously it wasn’t like that.
MIKE. Well then.
,
And you say Anna was here.
LIZ. That’s right.
MIKE. And she witnessed this… I don’t know… rape, abduction, or whatever.
LIZ (on ‘rape’). Well obviously it’s more complicated than that.
MIKE. Because isn’t it rather condescending to assume that Clair is a victim in this? Because given the choice, who’s to say she’d not rather go somewhere, do something, go somewhere interesting, rather than trot off back to work and sell houses.
LIZ. The French Pyrenees.
MIKE. What?
,
LIZ. Look, let’s not argue about it.
MIKE. So what was Anna doing here anyway?
LIZ. I’ve no idea.
MIKE. Well surely you asked.
LIZ. I haven’t had time.
MIKE. But you’ve spoken to her. Because she was meant to be out all day.
LIZ. Yes I know she was.
MIKE. So what was she doing in the house?
LIZ. Well how do I know what she was doing in the house?
MIKE. We ought to talk to her.
LIZ. Well you talk to her.
MIKE. I’m not talking to her.
The baby is crying.
Fuck.
LIZ. Mmm?
MIKE. She’s awake.
,
Anyway what did they have to say?
LIZ. Well they were apologetic.
MIKE. You mentioned the Harraps. (i.e. to the agent.)
LIZ. No, we’ve lost the Harraps.
MIKE. You’re sure.
LIZ. They’re building a complex. They’ve got permission to build one of these… a timeshare complex on the land.
MIKE. But it’s protected.
LIZ. Obviously not.
