by Martin Crimp
MIKE. So they’re laughing.
The crying has grown louder.
Jesus Christ.
LIZ (goes to doorway). Anna. (Louder.) Anna.
The thing was – (Faint laugh.) well I don’t know but I felt he was implying –
MIKE. Which one is that?
LIZ. It was Toby.
MIKE. What, at the back?
LIZ. No, he’s on the right as you go in. No, I felt that he –
MIKE. Toby.
LIZ. Yes, was implying that we could, well I’m fairly sure this is what he was trying to say…
MIKE. Wait a moment. (Goes to doorway and calls.) Anna. She’s awake. (About to go out when the crying stops.)
Silence.
How d’you mean?
LIZ. Well I just felt he had an idea we could, well exploit the situation.
MIKE. Exploit it.
LIZ. I think so.
MIKE. Well is that what he said?
LIZ. No it’s not what he said.
,
All I mean is is he was talking about perhaps – because of course I agreed they should leave it on – so he just felt that perhaps it could be a good opportunity to… reconsider I suppose.
MIKE. What, the price?
LIZ. The price, because apparently there’s been a lot of… activity over the past few weeks, and I think he was implying that Clair, well, had perhaps been a little too cautious.
,
He felt for example she hadn’t been making enough of the fourth bedroom.
,
MIKE. Well this is assuming we’ve lost James.
,
LIZ. Well I think we have to assume we’ve lost James.
,
MIKE. So he thinks eight hundred is cautious.
,
LIZ. That’s basically what he’s saying.
MIKE. Well of course that’s what we’ve always said ourselves.
LIZ. Well that’s right.
MIKE moves away, laughs briefly, reflects.
I mean this was all very informal because I don’t want to give the wrong impression, because actually he was very upset about Clair.
LIZ comes up behind MIKE and puts her arms around his waist. He puts his hands on hers.
MIKE. What is it?
LIZ. Aren’t you curious?
,
It’s just they’ve been here, haven’t they. They were in this house. They were in this room, that’s all.
,
I mean aren’t you curious?
MIKE. Mmm?
LIZ. Because in some ways I can’t imagine it at all, I can’t imagine where they’d begin.
,
But then I suppose they’re rather similar people.
,
MIKE. D’you think?
,
LIZ. No, don’t let go. Don’t let go of me.
MIKE. Anna might come in.
LIZ. Well let her come in.
Blackout.
4
Darkness. The sound of a high-speed train approaching. As it reaches maximum the light comes up to reveal JAMES talking on the phone in CLAIR’s flat at night.
JAMES. … well of course you do. That’s quite understandable. But there comes a point doesn’t there where you have to let go, you just have to let go. You just have to say to yourself: That’s her life, that’s her choice.
Absolutely.
Well absolutely, and I do think there’s a lot of nonsense spoken about cities. ‘The fear.’ ‘The loneliness.’ (Laughs.) Because quite frankly too much intimacy can be just as stifling. In fact you’re far more likely in my experience to be stifled by a friend than by a complete stranger.
Oh yes, oh yes, there are statistics about it.
Well it’s natural for you to worry and I’d probably do exactly the same thing in your shoes – (Confidential.) because to tell you the truth I’m a bit of a worrier myself. Not the big things, oddly enough. No. It’s the little things. It’s the details, isn’t it. It’s the filling in the sandwich isn’t it, or the leaf suddenly falling.
I said the leaf: the leaf suddenly falling.
Sound of train approaching.
Of course. Of course. Let me put her on.
(Calls.) Clair? Clair?
Just one moment and I’ll put her on. (Calls.) Clair?
Train passes.
(Calls loudly over train.) Clair?
Train recedes.
She’s not answering me. She must still
That’s right, she’s not. She must still, d’you know she must still be – can you believe it – must still be in that shower.
Laughs with Mum.
Yes, but the fact is they do feel soiled. Clair and her colleagues – those boys of hers – they do feel soiled after a day of buying and selling, selling and buying. They feel a kind of… filth, quite frankly. They feel a kind of – oh yes, hasn’t she told you? – a kind of disgust with themselves.
Well of course she hides it from you, of course she does. But I happen to know that all day long, this is the moment, the one moment she dreams of: the hot water streaming and the steam, the hot steam rising.
Faint train passes.
These trains are a nuisance, aren’t they.
Yes. They’re almost in the room. And it’s hardly a room is it – more a kind of – well that’s right: more a kind of a cupboard. When I first saw it I thought she was dragging me screaming into a kind of large cupboard. I said: Clair, Clair, Clair, is this where you live?
Laughs with Mum.
I did. I did. I said: is this where you live, Clair? In an over-large cupboard, Clair? Smelling of smoke? In this odd little hole with a bed that doesn’t even fold away. Shower to the left, cooker to the right. Is this your… ‘investment’?
Absolutely. And she educated me. D’you know, she educated me. And as time’s gone by, I’ve come to realise
Sound of train approaching.
Oh yes, old friends, old old friends, and I’ve come to realise that this is, as it were, her sanctuary. Yes. That there’s a very good atmosphere here. That it’s very calm and quiet. That even the trains contribute to the quiet by way, as it were, of contrast and she’s taught me to see the quiet beauty of the tracks as they converge on the vanishing what?
Certainly I’ll try her again. One moment. (Calls.) Clair? Clair?
Train passes.
She’s just rubbing herself.
I said: apparently she’s just rubbing herself dry and then she’ll be out, then she’ll be free. She’ll be clean and she’ll be free and what?
I said: once she’s thoroughly
Yes: once she’s thoroughly rubbed
Please. Please. If I could finish: once she’s thoroughly rubbed herself she will, as I said, be clean and free and the two of us will be going out just to clear up any misunderstandings for an egg sandwich probably since I have to be in Rome in the morning although you can see from the pictures it’s not what?
Faint train passes.
Well surely you’re not asking me to barge in there, are you? Just barge in there, sweep everything off the little glass shelf, all the bottles and jars, all the creams and scents piled up on the little glass shelf and the torn-off bits of cotton wool, just sweep them away and what? demand? – surely not demand that she comes to the phone? Because I don’t see it’s my place to demand anything of the poor child, of the poor girl which is one of those dreadful words, isn’t it, one of those dreadful words men use to belittle women, I do apologise, I sometimes think we need, don’t we need, I suspect we need to look much more deeply, don’t we, into ourselves and don’t misunderstand me, I don’t mean this terrible thing of self, of self, of self-examination, I just mean simply a look, simply a glance to see if there’s anything there at all quite frankly – (Laughs.) not that I really care one way or the other what?
I beg your pardon?
You’re going to put down the phone unless you can speak to your daughter? I’m sorry? Because how will you speak to her if you put down the phone
what?
I thought I’d explained all that. I thought I’d made my position vis-à-vis your daughter very clear but if you have any doubts, any lingering doubts, then you should speak to Clair because look. (Change of tone.) Look. Look, here she is now.
He turns and smiles as if someone has entered the room and focuses on this point with extreme stillness.
The sound of a train approaching.
Yes, here she is now.
Look at her.
She’s clean.
She’s dry.
She’s… radiant.
With a sudden gesture he holds the receiver out at arm’s length to the imagined CLAIR and remains rigid in this position to the end of the scene. Crescendo of approaching train.
She’s patting her hair with a towel.
She wants to speak to you.
At the moment of the train’s maximum impact, blackout. The rush and whine of the train continues – extremely loud – fading away as the light comes up on the final scene.
5
MIKE and LIZ’s garden. October evening sunlight. MIKE, LIZ and TOBY.
MIKE and LIZ are drinking wine. As the lights come up, the three of them are laughing.
ANNA sits by the vine, reading a book.
MIKE. You’re joking.
TOBY. I am not. I swear to you those were her exact words.
MIKE. Consider an offer…
TOBY. That’s right. ‘I’m prepared to consider an offer.’
LIZ. But you must’ve died.
TOBY. And the thing is, is there she is – I mean it wouldn’t’ve been so bad – but there she is standing at the top of the stairs, and all she’s got on – well as far as I could tell – (Laughs.) all she’s wearing is this, well a kind of Chinese dressing gown, one of these… kimonos.
MIKE. Japanese, in that case.
TOBY. Well whatever it was I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
They all three laugh a little more. Silence.
MIKE. Yes, Anna’s got one of those, hasn’t she.
LIZ. One of what?
MIKE. One of those – whatever it is – kimonos.
LIZ. Has she?
MIKE. You know she has.
,
It’s got birds on it.
TOBY. It’s certainly very pleasant out here.
LIZ. Well it’s quiet at least.
MIKE. The thing is we’re not really gardeners.
TOBY. Well you wouldn’t believe it.
LIZ. Because of course we used to get a lot of noise from next door, when it was flats.
MIKE. Well of course it still is flats.
LIZ. But when it was tenants.
TOBY nods in sympathy.
MIKE. Mind you, when you think about it, there’s absolutely no reason why a tenant – is there – should make any more noise than an owner-occupier.
TOBY. No, but I’m afraid – let’s face it – I’m afraid you’re talking about a completely different sort of person, a completely different sort of attitude to the property.
LIZ. Of course it’s quite disgusting what they did to the tenants.
MIKE. Well it’s unforgivable.
,
LIZ. The nice thing is, by this time of day the light’s come round.
TOBY glances at his watch.
Look, I’m sorry, can we get you a glass of wine?
TOBY. I’d rather not, actually.
MIKE. No no. Fine. We understand. Because obviously you must still feel – well of course it’s not as if we don’t still feel –
LIZ. Yes, but life has to go on, Mike.
MIKE. Well of course life has to go on. By definition life has to go on. It’s just –
TOBY. Please. It’s just a little early for me, that’s all. (Faint laugh.) But I wouldn’t say no to something soft.
LIZ. What, squash?
TOBY. Fine. Yes. Squash.
MIKE. Or a Coke or something?
TOBY. Squash would be fine.
LIZ. Anna, could you be a darling and get a glass of squash for Mr…
TOBY. Toby. Please, it’s Toby.
LIZ. Right. Yes, of course. Could you get him a glass of orange squash.
ANNA. Orange squash.
TOBY. Or lemon. Lemon would be fine.
ANNA doesn’t move.
LIZ. You’d like some ice in it.
TOBY. Please. (To ANNA.) Yes please, lots of ice.
ANNA nods, but has not understood.
LIZ. Squash, Anna.
ANNA. Squash.
TOBY. Well anything really. Anything soft.
LIZ. Look, I’d better go with her. I won’t be a moment.
LIZ and ANNA go off. TOBY involuntarily turns to watch ANNA go.
MIKE. It’s our perennial problem.
TOBY (turns back). I’m sorry?
MIKE. Getting her dressed.
TOBY. Right.
MIKE. I mean getting her to get dressed. Not actually… dressing her.
TOBY (nods). Right right.
,
I suppose she’s in the bath a lot, or something.
MIKE. Because our major fear was naturally that her appearance would, well put people off.
TOBY. Yes?
MIKE. Only in that she possibly creates the impression –
TOBY. Well she wouldn’t put me off quite frankly.
TOBY laughs. MIKE joins in. Brief laugh together.
MIKE. Listen, really we just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done, and –
LIZ (coming out). There’s only lemon I’m afraid.
TOBY. No, that’s fine.
LIZ (calls). No, lemon’s fine, Anna.
It’s surprising really just how limited her vocabulary actually is.
TOBY. She’s French is she?
MIKE. Italian actually. Naples.
LIZ. It’s the phone bills we dread.
TOBY. Well as long as it’s not Australia.
All faint laugh.
LIZ. Look, the thing is, is we just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done, and –
ANNA enters with squash.
That’s right, if you could just give it to Mr –
TOBY. Toby.
LIZ. I’m sorry. To Toby.
ANNA gives him the drink.
TOBY. Thanks.
ANNA returns to her book.
LIZ. Well, Cheers.
TOBY. Cheers.
MIKE. Cheers.
,
LIZ (sotto voce). Has she just had another bath?
MIKE (sotto voce). I’ve really no idea what she’s been doing.
LIZ (to TOBY). You can’t imagine the trouble we’ve had getting her dressed.
TOBY. No, your husband was…
LIZ. I mean with people coming round to view all the time.
MIKE (jovial). Well getting her to get dressed. Not actually getting her dressed.
LIZ. Well obviously not getting her dressed, Mike.
,
Obviously she can dress herself.
MIKE. Look, is that cold enough for you?
TOBY. I’m sorry?
MIKE. No, sorry, I just thought for a moment there was no ice in it.
TOBY swirls the drink. The ice clinks.
Anyway, as Liz was saying, we just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done, and… Well obviously we’re delighted.
LIZ (laughs). I mean the price was…
MIKE (laughs). Well actually when you think about it it’s quite ridiculous…
LIZ. Well the whole thing’s ridiculous…
MIKE. It just stops meaning anything after a while…
LIZ. Because we’ll be honest, we thought eight hundred was probably pushing it, didn’t we.
MIKE. The absurd thing is that we would almost certainly’ve taken less. Well particularly after…
LIZ. But eight hundred and fifty…
MIKE. I know. It’s crazy.
LIZ. It’s quite crazy.
MIKE. I mean talk about spiralling… Eight hund
red and fifty. And cash.
LIZ. Well yes that’s the amazing thing: cash.
MIKE and LIZ both chuckle. TOBY looks on, swirling the ice in his glass.
TOBY. Yes, I feel we’ve achieved quite a favourable price. Although maybe not so remarkable for four bedrooms in the present climate. Of course the Baldwins had been recently disappointed by some vendors who had behaved – how shall we say? – rather less than honourably.
All faint laugh.
So naturally the fact that you could offer them early possession was a strong point in your favour.
,
So… what exactly is your position now?
LIZ. Well naturally we’re looking.
TOBY. And of course you are yourselves cash. Right. And your price?
LIZ. Well up to a million, isn’t it.
MIKE. Well let’s say we could be talking a million-plus for something exceptional.
TOBY. A million plus. Right.
LIZ. The thing is, is we feel it’s important to take our time.
TOBY. No, I understand that.
MIKE (laughs). It’s just some friends of ours…
LIZ (laughs). Poor Poppy and Max…
MIKE. They panicked completely and ended up living on a railway.
They all laugh.
Mind you. It’s quite a place. They’ve put in marble floors. Three bathrooms.
LIZ. Yes, but the trains… They’re horribly overlooked, Mike.
TOBY glances at his watch. MIKE takes the bottle.
MIKE. Listen, you’re sure you won’t…
TOBY covers his glass with his hand. Silence. MIKE pours more wine for himself and LIZ.
LIZ (laughs). I think the thing is – isn’t it – is that in a ridiculous kind of way we feel, well responsible.
MIKE (laughs). Well responsible probably isn’t the right word.
LIZ. No no, obviously not responsible.
MIKE. Because I think it would be wrong, I’ve said to Liz I think it would actually be morally wrong, for any of us to feel responsible, in that way.
LIZ. Well no, I don’t mean responsible.
MIKE. Well you said responsible.
LIZ. Yes I know that’s what I said, Mike.
TOBY swirls his ice. He’s looking at ANNA.
MIKE (to TOBY, with a note of aggression). I mean, what do you feel?
TOBY (turns back). I’m sorry? (Looks at watch.) Look, actually I ought to be…
MIKE. I mean my wife seems to feel we are, in some obscure way, responsible. So I just wondered –
LIZ. Please Mike.
MIKE. Look I just want to know what the man thinks for godsake.
