Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  I leaned in and captured his mouth in a soft kiss, lingering longer when the tension flushed out of his body, and he relaxed against me.

  “Ah come on!” said a voice from behind us. “There are some things a guy doesn’t need to see.”

  I flew away from Arden when Phoenix’s voice grumbled from the doorway. Flipping around, I was greeted with my best friend’s scowling face as his gaze shifted between Arden and me.

  “You called my brother!?” Arden squeaked.

  I flipped my attention back to Arden, holding his hand tighter when he tried to pull away.

  “I had to. Someone needed to know you were here.”

  “No one needs to know I’m here.” Arden groaned.

  “I agree,” Phoenix said as he crossed to the chair I’d abandoned and dropped down, looking exhausted. “Except Iggy has a savior’s personality and has to do the right thing. It’s in his nature, and you can’t blame him. So what happened?”

  “None of your business,” Arden mumbled.

  “It’s after three in the morning, and I crawled out of bed and drove here to be sure you were okay, because otherwise, it would have been Mom walking in and catching you lip-locked with Iggy. So it is my business, and you’re welcome.”

  Arden paled. “You called Mom?”

  “She’ll be here in the morning. So talk. You fainted?”

  Arden deflated and sank back on the bed. Since he didn’t seem inclined to share, I took over.

  “Yes. Twice. Once when we finished in the hot tub and then again—”

  “Please don’t tell him!”

  I cut my eyes at Arden and gave him a reassuring squeeze on his thigh. “And again in the evening.”

  Phoenix glared between us with a knowing look. For a beat, he said nothing, then he rattled his head and shuddered. “Disturbing. I did not need that visual.”

  “I didn’t give you one,” I countered.

  “What did the doctor say?”

  “Low blood pressure, low heart rate. He’s ordered tests for the morning, and they took blood down in the emergency room. We’ll know more tomorrow.”

  Phoenix huffed and settled his gaze on Arden. “So what do you hope to accomplish with this song and dance you put everyone through?”

  “You’re not helping,” I snapped.

  Phoenix bit back more comments just as a nurse came into the room.

  “I’m sorry guys, this is too many people for the middle of the night. I think it would be best we let Arden get some rest. I can only bend the rules so far. You understand. You can all come back in the morning when visiting hours start up again at eight.”

  I hated leaving Arden alone, but I knew there was no point arguing. Phoenix gave Arden a surprisingly sympathetic squeeze on the shoulder before retreating into the hallway so I could say goodbye.

  “I’ll be back tomorrow morning. I promise.”

  “Did he really call my parents?”

  “Yes. I asked him to.”

  Arden sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Then maybe you shouldn’t come. It will only cause problems.”

  “Unless you don’t want me here, I’m coming. They can deal with it. They’ll have to eventually, right? I have thick skin.”

  Not entirely true. The McMillans’ nasty words from years ago still stirred inside me and made me want to shrink away and hide, but I would be there for Arden. I would weather the storm if he asked.

  “I want you here,” he whispered. “But they’re—”

  “Shh… I don’t care. You want me here; I’ll be here.” I kissed him and tucked a feathery strand of hair behind his ear. “Try to rest.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said as I pulled away.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about. I’ll see you soon.”

  Phoenix had wandered down to the elevators by the time I made it into the hallway, so I joined him. I had no intention of leaving the hospital, but I could walk him out.

  “I think there is more to your brother’s problem than you see.” Phoenix opened his mouth to talk, but I cut him off. “I’ve been watching him, and something isn’t right. This thing with food—"

  “He’s anorexic.”

  “He’s not. Who said that?”

  “His therapist, Mom, Dad, Arden himself.”

  The elevator arrived, and we got in. When the doors slid closed, I turned toward Phoenix. “I don’t know a lot about anorexia, but I know he doesn’t display the right symptoms.”

  “How so?”

  “Because people who are anorexic generally have a negative perception of their body.”

  “And he does.”

  “Yes, but not in the same way. People with anorexia don’t eat because they don’t want to gain weight. They fear how food will affect their physical appearance.”

  “And?”

  “That’s not Arden. He doesn’t see himself as too fat.” Arden’s deceptive comment earlier was what had shone a light on my realization that anorexia didn’t fit. “Arden hates how skinny he is, to the point he barely allows me to see and touch him. He hesitated to take his clothes off in front of me because he was ashamed.”

  “Dude, TMI.”

  I ignored him. “The foods I’ve seen him eat are carb heavier, which, thank God, but they aren’t foods an anorexic person might gravitate to. He’s not consuming endless vegetables or negative carbs that won’t make him gain weight, he’s eating bread, crackers, and ramen noodles. Yes, he’s counting carbs, but only because he knows he isn’t getting enough. I don’t think he wants to starve himself.”

  Phoenix scrubbed a hand down his face and turned to me. “So what does Arden say when you ask him what’s wrong?”

  “He lies and claims the same label he’s been given as an answer.”

  “He lies. Funny. I told you that would happen. And what lie does he tell you?”

  “That he’s anorexic, but Phoenix—”

  “Iggy, I’ve been watching this shit go down since Ivory died. It’s been one thing after another. Trust me, Arden is attention-seeking. Is it healthy? Fuck no, but just try stopping him.”

  The elevator arrived on the first floor, and Phoenix got off. I remained inside but held my hand on the door so it wouldn’t close.

  “Aren’t you leaving?” he asked.

  “No, I’m going to the cafeteria, and I’ll drink coffee until morning. I know a few nurses. I can chat them up while I hang out.”

  “Whatever.”

  “You’re wrong, Phoenix. I know in my gut there is something everyone is missing. Something he’s hiding—although I don’t know why.”

  Phoenix didn’t appear to have the energy to care. “Whatever, man. I’ll say it again. Don’t let him suck you in.”

  I let the elevator close, more irritated with Phoenix than I’d been in a long time.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Iggy

  Apart from the emergency room, the hospital was quiet in the middle of the night. I got a coffee from the machine down in the cafeteria since the little café on the premises wasn’t open until morning.

  I sat for a while, sipping the mediocre brew with a heavy weight in my gut. In the short time Arden and I had reconnected, I’d seen far too many unsettling things. When meals weren’t involved, Arden was a whole different person. He spoke passionately of the future, was affectionate and funny. I liked him. A lot. I wanted to keep seeing him and explore the relationship we’d barely begun.

  But there was a seed of truth and honesty that were missing. Two major factors relationships needed.

  Around five thirty, I bought another coffee and wandered outside to watch the sunrise. There was a small outdoor patio area at the front of the hospital where I set up camp and waited for visiting hours to start.

  At a quarter to seven, my phone pinged. It was a text from Mickey.

  Mickey: Dude, everything okay? I just found out you called in.

  Considering Mickey was probably relieving Chris and Jasmine in the next fifteen minutes, I stuck to the truth
.

  Iggy: Arden was hospitalized last night. Everything is fine, but they’re keeping him for now, and I need to be with him.

  Mickey: Shit! That sucks. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

  Iggy: I will. Thanks.

  I dumped my empty paper cup in a nearby receptacle and wandered back into the hospital. It was still early for visitors, but if Arden was awake, I was hoping I could sweet talk the nurses into letting me slip in.

  Seven o’clock was shift change time, and most of the nurses were gathered for their briefing. Cassandra, the nurse who’d taken care of Arden the previous night, saw me and waved me by, mouthing, “He’s awake.”

  I passed the breakfast cart in the hallway on my way to his room, the scent of eggs, toast, and other not-too-unpleasant odors lingered in the air.

  When I wandered into his room, there was an immediate and un-ignorable tension building between a male nurse and Arden. The male nurse, a guy in his mid to late thirties with dark hair and sharp features, stood with his arms crossed over his chest as he challenged Arden with a look of contempt.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, glancing between the two.

  Arden gave off a prickly aura as he met the nurse’s hard stare with his own. He looked as impatient as ever.

  “I have strict orders from Dr. Singhal to ensure Arden is supervised while he eats this morning,” the nurse explained. “He’s not too fond of those orders.”

  “Because I told you that’s not going to happen,” Arden snipped. “You can take this away from me because I’m not eating it.”

  I eyed the tray of food. It looked like a simple small bowl of oatmeal, an apple sauce, an orange juice cup, and a small carton of milk was what they were arguing over.

  “Arden.” I approached the other side of the bed cautiously, hoping I’d have better luck.

  “I’m not eating it.”

  What I thought was indignance looked different on closer inspection. Arden trembled behind his mask. He held his body rigid, not in defiance but to hide how badly he shook. The fire in his eyes was only surface deep. Behind it was the fear of a cornered animal ready to run if you got too close.

  “Look, buddy,” the nurse said. “I know what you’re thinking, but how about just some of it so I can report back that you tried.”

  “No.” Arden’s jaw ticked under the pressure of his teeth. His chest rose and fell with his short rapid breaths.

  “How about just the applesauce,” I suggested, knowing he ate apples readily enough. It couldn’t be that different.

  Not waiting for a response, I reached for the container and spoon.

  I thought I was helping, but Arden flipped a switch the moment I picked up the small cup.

  He completely lost it.

  Screaming, “I said no!” at the top of his voice, he kicked out a leg, warding me off. His hand flew, and he knocked the container into the air. It soared across the room and splattered on the floor in a wet arc.

  Arden backed as far up on the bed as he could, visibly trembling now and yelling at both the nurse and me to leave him alone. He’d gone from mildly irritated to all-out frantic, balling himself up as he sputtered between breaths. His nasal cannula had fallen askew with his retreat but he didn’t seem to notice or care.

  “Get out! I can’t do it. I can’t. Why does everyone have to push the issue? Just leave me alone! Everybody leave me alone!”

  Rattled, I watched as he did all he could to crawl inside himself, his eyes wild and haunted, his teeth chattering, his knuckles white as his fingers dug into his legs.

  Then tears spilled down his cheeks.

  The minute he noted them, he batted them away with an angry growl and buried his face in his drawn-up knees.

  “Leave me alone. I’m not eating. Everyone go away. I can’t… I can’t… I can’t.” He muttered the last bit over and over again, his body shaking violently enough to punctuate his state of being.

  The nurse and I shared a look, and I silently tipped my head, asking him to give us a minute. He didn’t object. His orders clearly weren’t important enough to deal with this kind of behavior.

  Throwing his hands up in defeat, he backed out of the room like he’d done his due diligence and fuck it if Arden wouldn’t listen.

  Once he was gone, I turned back to Arden, assessing the situation. Careful not to startle him, I crawled across the bed until I was directly in front of him. He glanced up at my approach. Beads of sweat trickled down his temples, but it was the terror in his eyes that drew my attention. I’d never seen him look so afraid.

  “Hey, hey, calm down. Come here.” I knelt, adjusted his nasal cannula back in place, and pulled him into my arms. He went willingly. His fortitude cracked, and he cried.

  “Talk to me. I was only trying to help. I need to know what’s going on.”

  “I can’t… I just can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. I can’t!” he stammered.

  “Okay. I hear you. You can’t.”

  He couldn’t eat. But why couldn’t he eat?

  He was afraid. That much seemed clear.

  Afraid of what?

  Eating?

  Then, the puzzle pieces clicked together. The light bulb went on. The muddy picture I couldn’t see before cleared. The warning signs. They all made sense. How had I missed it?

  “Oh, God, Arden.” I pulled his head up to face me. “It’s because of Ivory. You’re terrified you’ll get sick again and you won’t be so lucky to live next time. That’s it, isn’t it?”

  I saw the truth in his eyes, despite how frantically he shook his head in defiance. His tears continued to stream down his face, and each breath he took was shorter than the one before it. He was about five seconds away from hyperventilating.

  I took his face between my hands and brought our foreheads together, shushing him.

  “Arden, breathe. Work with me, mi corazón. Stay with me. Deep breaths. We’ll get through this. You aren’t alone anymore. I understand what’s going on now.”

  He shook his head a few more times in protest but gave up, sputtering, “I’m dizzy. Iggy…”

  “It’s because you’re panicking. Copy my breathing. Shh… You can do it. Calm, deep breaths.”

  Arden clung to my forearms, closed his eyes and made an honest effort to follow my lead. After a few painful minutes, his breathing leveled out.

  “That’s good. Keep going. Slowly. In and out.” I kissed each of his damp eyelids followed by his forehead. “I’ve got you. We’ll get through this.”

  The harsh clearing of someone’s throat jarred me out of the moment, and Arden and I both whipped our heads to the door simultaneously.

  Evelyn and Nelson McMillan.

  Shit!

  And they did not look impressed.

  They were both dressed like they were heading to Sunday service at any moment, but the fire behind their matching glares could have emanated straight from the fiery pits of hell. There was no question of whether or not they recognized me.

  Evelyn’s jaw ticked while Nelson stepped forward and hitched his chin higher, straightening his tie and staring down his nose. We were of similar height except I was still seated on Arden’s bed with him folded in my arms. Nelson loomed larger than life.

  “I think you should leave,” he warned.

  It wasn’t a suggestion.

  Instinctively, I flew to my feet, darting a quick glance at Arden who’s breathing had resumed a frantic, irregular pace as he balled himself up again, wrapping his arms around his skinny legs. The poor guy was going to pass out if he kept that up.

  “He’s not leaving,” Arden panted, barely able to form the words.

  “Out, or I’ll have hospital security escort you.”

  The last thing I wanted to do was cause a scene. I worked with the staff at County General regularly. They knew me well, and starting a yelling match would do me no favors nor would it help Arden.

  But what of the information I’d learned? What would happen the m
inute I walked out that door?

  “Iggy?” Arden’s voice was barely a whisper. He reached out and glanced his cold fingers over mine. “Don’t go.”

  I touched him back, grasping his hand and giving him a gentle squeeze but not breaking my focus from Nelson McMillan’s hard eyes. Eyes that dared me to defy him.

  “It’s okay. I’m gonna step out for a bit and let your parents visit. I’ll come back in a little while.”

  “You won’t,” his father said.

  Ignoring the definitive statement, I looked at Arden and noted his pale, colorless face, his brittle frame, and the defeat behind his washed-out blue eyes. I brushed two fingers over his right cheek so he could feel my touch, and I forced a smile to my face to hopefully reassure him he wasn’t alone. “Listen to the doctors, okay?”

  With as much dignity as I could muster, I squeezed past both Arden’s parents and retreated to the hallway, unsure what my next step was going to be. I hated leaving Arden to weather the announcement of our relationship on his own, but there wasn’t anything I could do about that.

  I drove home and took a long hot shower while I considered the new information I’d learned. How could I have been so blind? It was obvious in a way that made me feel incredibly stupid. How could his family not have seen it too? Phoenix’s own words rang through my head. “Ever since Ivory died, he hasn’t been the same.”

  It made me want to scream. The truth was in plain sight, and everyone was blind to it.

  Dressed in pajama pants and a ratty T-shirt, I made myself a quick sandwich since I hadn’t eaten. As it sat on a plate, I stared at it, seeing it all through Arden’s eyes. The lunchmeat, the bread, the cheese, the lettuce, and the tomato.

  At some point in my life, I remembered instances where every single one of those items had posed a problem. Whether it was recalled food I’d seen on the news, a rotten tomato left too long in the crisper, or simply eating a moldy piece of bread unknowingly and tasting the pungent earthy taste before spitting it out in disgust.

  To the average person, it was a nuisance. For Arden, it was crippling.

  I ate my sandwich with those thoughts in mind before crawling into bed. Exhaustion from having been up all night weighed my logical thinking down. I needed a few hours to rest and relax so I could think straight and figure out what to do.