From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem

by Cathy Gaitan

  Is it wrong that I want to see them go at it? I’m one hundred percent certain Julia would win but I want to see how fast it would take and how brutal. Don’t tell Pink I said that!! On second thought, go ahead and tell him.

  I feel cheated that we never got to see her take down Dirth Vader (the twice Unchosen).

  March 17, 2017

  It turns out Pinkerton Floyd and Julia Caesar did not face off but the Woodley twins did. It wasn’t the matchup I was looking for but it was epic nonetheless.

  I guess it was only a matter of time before that pot came to a boil. After all it had been good month of Abel and Caine giving Mary Mary lovesick looks and bringing her gifts for her dog. To be honest I’m not sure she even realized there was a problem.

  It was a really close contest and the guys did not hold back. You could say they were both winners. Abel gave the final blow but when Caine hit the ground he had Mary ditto at his side to lessen the pain. It seems Mary Mary made her choice. I actually felt pretty sorry for Abel. He looked so sad but he’s a Zombie. I’m sure he’ll recover just fine.

  March 18, 2017

  Today I discovered who my stalker is. It turns out my prodigal son EZ Ryder has been dogging my steps since I cut him loose. I never should have shown him where I live!

  I caught his reflection in the window of a candy shop I just happened to be passing. For a heart stopping moment I thought it was Julia. She’d mentioned something about my pink and purple mouth the other day. She’s obviously onto the fact that I’m still popping Nerds like Xanax. I’ve been trying to figure out if I should own up to my candy addiction or keep playing it off like everything’s cool.

  Thankfully EZ is a lot more laid back than he’d been before I abandoned him. He says he’s learned a lot since we parted ways. It seems he’s been living in some kind of commune made up of primarily new Zombies. He wanted to let me know he’d shared my teachings with his friends which left me speechless because what the what? I gave him teachings and he has friends?

  Apparently EZ initially just wanted to find me and thank me. He saw me with my group members and he’d been curious. When I had temporarily taken him under my wing I hadn’t had anyone else. He said once he started following me he couldn’t seem to stop watching. Kind of like watching an approaching disaster and not being able to look away.

  I decided not to take offense. The love tap to his back was just an expression of love. The fact that it brought him to his knees was part of my continued ‘teaching’.

  March 19, 2017

  Kailani has decided she wants to have a girl’s night. I’m all for it since it means I won’t have to put up with Pinkerton. It also means I won’t have to watch Denim and Caine give moon eyes to Paisley and Mary Mary.

  A quiet evening of sisterhood. Sounds perfect after a day of intense training. Also, HGTV is showing a marathon of House Hunter International tonight. It should be a great bonding experience.

  Sisterhood of the Zombies!!

  March 20, 2017

  Last night was not what I thought it would be. Did you know Zombies could get drunk? If so, why didn’t you tell me?!

  Kailani said she wanted to go somewhere only Zombies hung out and of course Julia Caesar knew just the place. It was a Zombie bar called ‘ApocolypZ Now!’ which should not surprise anyone. Apparently Julia knows the owner. He’s a big male with a long grizzly beard. His name is Titus Remington. He has the name of the bar tattooed on the inside of his forearm in large purple letters. He also had a tattoo across his throat that read ‘Liberty or Death’. He, like Julia, was dressed in fatigues. His were black. Julia’s were purple.

  There was a bouncer at the door to ensure only Zombies were allowed entrance. The bar itself was pretty sparse. Tables, chairs and bar were all in basic black nothing fancy. The floor was cement. The only bit of flash was the neon purple sign indicating the name of the business.

  I started to say how strange it was that the neon sign was in purple and that was Julia’s signature color when she interrupted me to say they had a drink called ‘NerdZ’. I remember telling Julia I’d take two of the drinks. I don’t really remember all that much after that. I remember two pink and purple drinks arriving that tasted a lot like the candy.

  I vaguely remember getting up to dance when Queen’s song Fat Bottomed Girls played on the jukebox. I may or may not have fallen on my face. That part is really cloudy. The rest is a total blank. Really! Nothing else to report.

  Remember, what happens on Girls Night stays there! Got it?

  March 21, 2017

  Four days until the race of my life. I feel nervous. Isn’t that strange? Zombies don’t get nervous. Maybe it’s just residual effects from the horrific hangover I had yesterday. At least I hadn’t been the only one feeling awful. In fact, the only person not hungover was Julia. For some reason that doesn’t even surprise me.

  With the 5k so close I need to stay focused and go hard with my training. I’ve decided to even go cold turkey with the Nerds. No more until after the race. I can do this. Right? How hard could it be?

  March 22, 2017

  I think I’m going through withdrawal. I woke up shivering. I threw up twice during my four hour run. It took me three tries to make it over the wall during the obstacle course and I almost dropped the free weights on Tupelo’s foot. Good thing for him he’s quick. I fell twice during the hurdles. I must have looked pretty pathetic because Pink didn’t laugh even once.

  It was so bad Julia handed me a box of Nerds and told me to take a hit. She says I should definitely give up my habit but to wait until after the 5k.

  March 23, 2017

  Everything is back on track. My training was better than it’s ever been. I think I’m ready. Kailani says I need to visualize myself winning the 5k. I’ve tried. Really I have. I just have a really hard time keeping my mind focused. It tends to wander a lot.

  Mary Mary and I went looking for a new running outfit since mine are all stretched out. I got a pair of sky blue running shorts with neon pink trim and a highlighter yellow tank top. I was going. to get new running shoes but Mary ditto advised against it. She says it’s too close to race day to try and break them in. I guess she’s right. But I really did love those neon green shoes with the rainbow trim.

  March 24, 2017

  I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about those shoes. What if someone were to buy them and then beat me in the 5k wearing them? They looked like winners to me. So I got up early and went to get them.

  I’m just going to wear them to walk in and see how they feel. It makes sense. Right? It doesn’t mean I’m going to wear them in the race.

  March 25, 2017

  Race Day!! I feel like I’m going to throw up but in a good way. I wore my new running shoes all evening yesterday and they felt great so I decided what the heck. Kailani is always saying people need to follow their instincts. I think she’s right. These shoes just feel right and they go really well with my outfit.

  It will be fine. I have a really good feeling about these shoes. A really good feeling!

  March 26, 2017

  Okay, so the 5k was yesterday and things did not go according to plan. I may have been hasty in getting those shoes. They looked beautiful and completed my outfit perfectly. I could feel the envious glances and knew I’d made the right decision.

  Those shoes may have been comfortable as hell to walk in but running in them was a nightmare. They had no traction. I slipped and fell twice within the first ten minutes but I soldiered on because I’m a Zombie. Half way through when I fell in that mud puddle sure I may have crawled for a little while but I got back up. When I twisted my ankle on that rock I only thought of quitting for a minute or two. Then I shook it off and limped forward.

  I persevered. When I saw that finish line with nothing between us I knew I had realized my dream. Then out of nowhere a blur of black t-shirt and shorts slid across the line seconds before me. It was like one of those awful nightmares where you try to wake yourself but yo
u can’t.

  When I saw the face full of piercings, the Mohawk and the evil smile I’m not going to lie. I lost my ever loving mind!! One minute I was limping across the finish line and the next I was launching myself at Pinkerton Floyd with the full intent of doing serious bodily injury. My thought was to remove every single piercing in the most painful way possible.

  But in the end I couldn’t do it. That damn Julia Caesar was holding me back!! Support group my ass!!

  March 27, 2017

  It’s been a couple of days since Pinkerton Floyd stole my 5k victory along with my pride and a tiny bit of my mind. That’s okay though. I’ll recover. I’m a Zombie female!

  In retrospect I’m glad Julia stopped me from harming Pink. Hurting him like that would have been wrong. It would have been over far too quickly. When I finally get ahold of him I will make his pain last for days. Vengeance will be mine!!

  March 28, 2017

  I’m pretty sure my group is hiding Pink from me. Even Tupelo seems to be in on it. Will the betrayal never end? I know they think I’m crazy but they’re wrong. I’m completely sane. Well, partly sane anyway. What’s the difference?

  All they are doing is delaying the inevitable so I am using the extra time to brush up on my skills. I’m alternating between viewings of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and City Hunter. I’ve decided I’d like to be a cross between the two. You know like a City Slayer.

  I even offered to train to be a soldier in Julia Caesar’s Zombie Army. I figured she could definitely show me some fighting techniques. She just looked at me weird and said she didn’t think it would be a good idea. I tried to show her what I could do but I don’t think she was impressed by my wooden stake and spoon skills. Well, her loss!

  If Julia Caesar doesn’t want me in her Zombie Army that’s fine. I’ll start my own army and I know just where to begin.

  March 29, 2017

  Okay, maybe EZ Ryder’s commune wasn’t the right place to look for soldiers. It felt more like a hippie hangout. Everyone was sitting around in t-shirts and board shorts. They were all watching House and munching on popcorn and hot dogs. So of course I joined them. I didn’t want to be rude.

  I told EZ what had transpired during my tragic 5k race and he totally sympathized. He said it was a bummer that my friends were so disloyal. It sounded like he got it so I explained that I was looking to hunt down Pinkerton Floyd and I needed an army of loyal soldiers to help me. Instead of offering to help me EZ bailed on me too.

  You know things are bad when a kind of mother can’t even depend on her abandoned sort of son.

  March 30, 2017

  The weirdest thing happened last night. I was out searching for that traitor, Pinkerton, when I stumbled on a dying cat outside a hair salon. The poor thing’s fur was matted and full of blood. She looked at me with pain filled eyes and hissed. I completely related. She looked like I felt after Pink’s betrayal.

  So, I did the only think I could think of to help her, I took a little nibble of her brain. I know what you’re thinking. Gross! How could I eat cat brains? Well, let me tell you, it was easy and not at all gross. It tastes like chicken.

  So now I have a cat baby. Her fur is literally half black and half white. It’s like someone took a marker and drew a line straight down the middle of her. Before she became a Zombie cat she had one green eye and one blue eye. Now her eyes are gold and silver. Cool, huh? I named her Lumina.

  I took her home and cleaned her up. She scratched the heck out of me when I bathed her. But she was happy as a clam when I let her share my pizza.

  I’ll need to find her a collar tomorrow.

  March 31, 2017

  Julia Caesar thinks Lumina is an ‘abomination’. She literally said that. She thinks I was wrong to change a cat. Who decides what’s right or wrong though? It’s all a matter of opinion. Besides, I’m pretty sure she only said that because Lumina took a swipe at her and drew some blood. Oops. I don’t think she liked the way Julia was eyeing her.

  Just between you and me Lumina is a little bit of a mad cat. She was boxing her shadow last night. She literally took chunks out of my wall. Luckily for me she seems to like me. She likes to snack as much as I do. She helped herself to some Nerds and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to keep that stuff well stocked. She growled at me when the box was empty and I’m pretty sure I growled back. Have I mentioned I’m addicted to Nerds? Well, it’s worth mentioning again.

  I took her to the pet store to find a collar for her. I was thinking a black leather one would do but she had other ideas. She chose one that looked like a sparkly rainbow. It has a pink heart hanging in front that says Queen. When she yanked it off the display I wasn’t about to argue. Have I mentioned Lumina has claws like blades and she’s not afraid to use them? Well, she does.

  Nobody has a cooler pet than me. Zombie cats rule!!

  April 1, 2017 k`1`2

  Zombie cats suck! Don’t tell Lumina I said that!! I only kind of mean it anyway. She woke me up last night because she was hungry. That didn’t bother me because what can you do? She can’t help it if she’s hungry. I went to the fridge but it was empty. Okay not truly empty but none of the good stuff was in there. Apparently Lumina’s taught herself to open the refrigerator door. There was a pile of plastic wrap and empty containers scattered across the kitchen floor.

  I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t I notice the mess on the floor? Not so much. I’ve been known to leave some things lying around. Stop judging me! This is about Lumina.

  She made me order Chinese food at 3am. Really! She sat on the takeout menu and thumped her tail while she glared at me. I’ve mentioned her claws. Seriously, my cat is not to be messed with. So I found myself eating Chinese food with my bad tempered cat at 3:30 a.m.

  Okay, I admit this wasn’t my first time ordering at that time but she didn’t even let me have the last dumpling. I’m am going to have to set down some rules. I can’t let my Zombie cat walk over me like this.

  April 2, 2017

  Well, Pinkerton Floyd showed up this afternoon. In my house!! Can you believe that? Lumina and I had just come back from taking a walk in the park. We walked in the door and found Pink sitting on my couch eating the lasagna I had placed in the oven before we left.

  He grinned at me and muttered, “Hey Mercy,” around a mouthful of our lasagna. Before I could move Lumina was throwing herself at his head. She sank her claws in either side of his head and her teeth into his Mohawk.

  Pink was screaming like a human. He dropped the pan of lasagna and tried to grab hold of Lumina but she was too quick. She dived face first into the lasagna ignoring Pinkerton as though he was insignificant. All hail the Queen!!

  The minute Lumina had released him he’d jumped off the couch and shoved himself behind me as though I would protect him. “What the hell is that thing,” Pink growled. I turned to look at him and he had blood dripping down both sides of his face. It looked like she might also have yanked out a chunk of his hair. I knew I was grinning like a fiend but I couldn’t help it.

  Lumina’s attack had been motivated by her food addiction but still I couldn’t help feeling vindicated. Pink had been as blindsided as I had been when he killed my 5k dream. “That’s my Zombie cat, Lumina,” I told him with a smile.

  I reached up and yanked his nose ring out. When his curses filled the air I felt peace settle deep inside me. Balance had been restored. It was kind of a Zen moment for me. All was right again in my world.

  I was glad Pink was back. Really! I kind of missed him.

  April 5, 2017

  I think Pinkerton Floyd is hoping to use my cat in some way. He’s been over every day since he returned with bribes for her. First it was chicken strips. She ate hers then turned around and stole his. He, in return, swiped mine. So I stole his fries, he tried to steal hers and got bit in the process. I’ve said it before Lumina is not to be messed with.

  Yesterday Pink brought over a banana cream pie. I guess she liked it because Lumina wouldn’t
allow either one of us to have any. I thought about sneaking a piece but I’m a little afraid of her. Pink backed way off. I know he’s afraid of her too.

  Today he called ahead to let me know he was bringing tacos. He asked me to make sure I fed Lumina beforehand to slow her down. It helped a little.

  He said my cat is as crazy as I am and looked at me weird when I thanked him. I don’t care. In my opinion everybody’s crazy. Some tuck their crazy away like it’s a secret and other’s let it fly like a flag. I prefer to let it fly. Hiding it is too exhausting.

  April 6, 2017

  Today Julia Caesar called a group meeting. We met at her compound. Apparently she thought it would be a good idea for me and Pink to work through the 5k atrocity. My word not hers but I think it’s fitting.

  We told her it had all been handled. Lumina tried to scalp Pink and I had him by the nose. That score was settled. Julia didn’t look phased by our answer. I’m pretty sure she already knew. The next order of business was the upcoming “Zombie Apocalypse”. What?