Expelled (Interplanetary Spy for Hire Book 1)

by Ell Leigh Clarke

  Jayne briefly imagined Merry had magnetic kava cup-shaped grooves in her hands. “How many times have you had to pee today?”

  Merry plucked an ear bud out of her ear. “Huh?”

  Jayne shook her head. “Just… talking out loud. Whatcha got going on there?”

  Merry moved her laptop onto the sofa and unfurled her left leg out from under her. The popping and cracking when she stretched her fingers and wrists reminded Jayne of a mini fireworks show. “Mega intensity, that’s what.”

  Jayne could hear a podcast about some conspiracy theory playing in Merry’s ear bud. She plopped into her chair and settled behind her desk. She let herself relax and sink into the memory gel. Another necessary expense, they had convinced themselves. “I’m listening.”

  Merry maintained her focus on her laptop. “You look zoned.”

  “I just got a bite at Spencer’s.”

  That got a rise from Merry’s left eyebrow. “You texted me from Spencer’s, the ridiculously posh pub-café-thing in the Federal District?”

  Jayne instinctively rubbed her stomach. “The very same. What did you find?”

  “How’d you pay for it?”

  “Don’t worry, I didn’t use our money. Anyway, this isn’t about my lunch. What did you find?”

  Jayne could see some of the flashing and scrolling code on the screen reflected as a faint light on Merry’s face. “In less than a minute, I should have our blackmailer’s screen info.”

  Jayne perked up. “How…?”

  A twisted smirk vined across Merry’s lips. “Wouldn’t you like to know? We should have it in 5… 4… 3… Huh.” Merry frowned and peered more closely at her screen.

  “What?”

  “The Treaty is about seeds and nitrates, right?”

  Jayne nodded.

  “Unless this is the most violent farmer ever, what I got here shows me this cat is all about weapons. This one’s using some mutant Tor 7.5 proxy and a crap ton of script blocking but had a little Achilles heel in their script…”

  Jayne sighed. “In English, professor.”

  Merry took a breath and started again. “It looks like some rogue avenger stuff, like a revolutionary would use.”

  Jayne reclined her chair back and intertwined her fingers. “If he’s into weapons, then intel must also be a hobby of his—”

  “Or hers,” Merry interrupted.

  Jayne nodded in agreement. “Or hers. Whatever the case, Wilson checks out as a high-ranking official. I found some of his coworkers at Spencer’s.”

  Merry steadied her laptop with one hand and fumbled for her latest kava cup with the other. “What else did they say about Gerr-Bear?”

  Jayne pivoted her feet to swivel her chair in half circles. “That he probably isn’t called Gerr-Bear. His fellow suits seem to respect him and think he’s perfectly above board. No scandals, no blurry boundaries… Gerald Wilson is a family-oriented, standup guy, by all accounts. A ‘careerist’.”

  “…that attracted a blackmailer whilst cruising for designer meds on the shadow web,” Merry added darkly.

  “…Whilst cruising for designer meds for his terminally ill niece. This guy has a real soft spot for his family, probably the only real reason he did something so desperate.”

  Merry rolled her eyes. “Well, he’s no fun.”

  “He’s also a pain in the ass because it’s not like we can whisk him away for his protection. His wife and family would miss him. Any clues to be had in his medical records?”

  Merry silently cursed at an invisible someone who deigned to thwart her digital plans. “Nope. Perfectly healthy and stable. Not even allergies.”

  Jayne exhaled sharply in frustration. “Yeah, I figured as much. We’re going to have to track that blackmailer.”

  “On it. So anything else about our G-man?”

  Jayne brought her chair upright. “No, but they got weird and quiet when I mentioned the treaty. It was like I insulted someone’s dead mother.”

  “Maybe they agri-processed her corpse into nitrates.”

  Jayne couldn’t help but smile. “That’s awful, even for you.”

  Merry unleashed a sinister laugh. “I mean, they really don’t want the public to know the particulars. You saw Wilson when he admitted invasion was a possibility. He looked like he wanted to jump out of his skin.”

  Jayne bobbed her head. “That was kind of the feel I got from the Contracts Department at lunch…”

  Merry narrowed her eyes. “You lunched with the government’s Contract Department?”

  Jayne started taking off her boots. “Yeah, why? It was only four people. They paid for lunch.”

  “The Armaros government Contract Department paid for your lunch, huh?” she drawled out slowly. “How’d you pull that off?”

  Jayne crossed her ankles on top of her desk. “I didn’t go to Spencer’s for the ox burger, which was just okay, by the way. I went to Spencer’s because it’s right across the street from a government building. Anyway, they’re going out of their way with the spin control…”

  For the first time in what felt like days, Merry stopped typing. Her smile was wide and proud. “You got an uptight government department to pay for your lunch by going to their hang out.”

  “Yeah. And it was easy.”

  “Jayne, do you know what that’s called?”

  “Umm, getting a free lunch?”

  “It’s called schmoozing, Jayne!” Merry emphasized the word schmoozing with a real ‘I told you so’ vibe.

  Jayne smiled. “Well, what about that. You were right.”

  “The ball is today, you know.”

  Her jubilant, triumphant vibe crashed with a thud. Jayne’s stomach churned, and her chest felt like it was imploding. “Oh, damn. I’ve been so busy with this case, the time just—”

  “Think you’re ready?”

  Jayne and Merry sat in five seconds of uncomfortable silence.

  Jayne exhaled. So much for her good day at the office. “I don’t have a choice. Let’s just move on. It makes sense that Wilson is being blackmailed by a real pro—” Jayne gasped, “a real pro… what are the chances you can find out if our blackmailer has done this before?”

  “A hundred percent. I’m on it.”

  “Would this blackmailer be dumb enough to reuse an alias or screen name?”

  Merry’s throaty guffaw said it all, but she continued. “Not if we’re dealing with a real pro. But I imagine there are going to be a couple little script similarities. Probably super tiny ones, though. This person was thorough.”

  “Two aliases can have the same voice?”

  Merry nodded proudly. “Here’s our little soprano, singing like the proverbial canary to a real piece of work. Wow, this is a nut job.”

  “Can you tell who?”

  “Not sure, but his code is sloppy.”

  “His code? You get on me for assuming the blackmailer is male, but you get to assume the sloppy coder is a dude?”

  The spirit of mischief danced in Merry’s eyes. “I think my logic is self-evident, thank you. Anyway, whomever they’re fucking with likes talking about themselves a lot. I can barely tell what the conversation is really about.”

  “Does this guy having more than one marker make him easier to trace?”

  Merry shrugged, “I don’t know yet. He’s clever.”

  Jayne mockingly raised her left eyebrow. “He…?”

  “Or she! Either way, I can do it. We’ll get paid, and you’ll enable me to buy more stuff that I can use for my world takeover. Ha.”

  +++

  Theron Techcropolis Gateway Building, L45, Theron Techcropolis, Armaros

  “Hold still, will you?”

  Jayne gritted her teeth as a blast of heat scorched her scalp. The faint infrared glow in her peripheral vision wasn’t doing her any favors, either. Her anxiety consumed her like a tsunami. “This is hell.”

  “You never played beauty salon when you were a little girl?”

  Jayne shook
her head as much as she could. “No, more of a firecrackers tied to baby dolls kid.”

  Merry peeled the Style Glove off her hand. She was wearing so many styling implements it looked like she was going for her merit badge in hairstyling from the Goth Scouts. “Looking good. Just have to do a little braiding and pinning.”

  “Where did you learn to do this, anyway?”

  Merry firmly redirected Jayne’s head so she looked forward. “Prison.”

  Before she could finish wondering if Merry was serious, Jayne caught a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror. She felt lighter inside when she saw the side-swept, glossy waves. Jayne felt the anxiety subside. “Wow! Can’t I just wear my hair like this?”

  Merry adjusted her parting and swiftly braided a chunk of hair. “Too va-va-VOOM. We’re going for understated elegance here. Besides, we really don’t need to make you sexier.”

  Jayne rolled her eyes. She noticed the bathroom had the same faded peach theme as the rest of the office but was broken up by an off-white wall and a full shower. Like a porn studio… Mental note: Clean and sanitize in the near future. Maybe repaint it.

  She cleared her throat. “Anyhow, I took the liberty of downloading some Treaty docs from Wilson’s coworker. They’re on my tablet.”

  “Awesome,” Merry mumbled through the jeweled bobby pins hanging out of her mouth. She pinned two more sections of hair and strategically pulled wavy tendrils to further soften the updo. Merry patted Jayne’s shoulder and gingerly handed her the dress. “I’ll look later.”

  Merry left the room and closed the door behind her, leaving Jayne alone. The air around her suddenly felt still and concrete. There was no turning back. Jayne closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, imagining her anxiety settling like soda going flat. “It’s only a dress.”

  She could hear Merry fidgeting on the other side of the wall. “By the way, I think we should role-play.”

  Jayne maneuvered the dress over her head, barely avoiding Merry’s masterpiece. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

  “Don’t be a perve. I meant we could role-play how you would talk about yourself at this shindig.”

  Jayne inhaled and worked the zipper from the bottom to the middle of her back. “Sure, let’s do it. First, give me a hand with this zipper.”

  Merry matter-of-factly opened the door and motioned for Jayne to turn around. She affected her best haughty male voice, “I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you, Miss…?”

  “Bond. Jayne Bond.”

  “Ah, but I thought your name was Austin.”

  Jayne wiggled a little, making sure she could move in the dress’s satin death grip. “I want to use an alias.”

  “Yeah, an alias that comes pre-burnt! Take this seriously and adjust your girls,” she instructed.

  Jayne adjusted the straps and bodice of the dress for comfort, and then for impact. “Hi. I’m Jayne Austin with the Interstellar Spy Agency.”

  Merry got back into character. She mimed sipping a glass of champagne. “And what does a spy agency do, exactly?”

  Jayne fished for the right words through the building anxiety. “We… We, uh, do surveillance and detective work mostly…”

  “Way to sound confident in your services. You need to get to the heart of what we do here. You need to own it. You are Jayne Fucking Austin and you ARE the Intergalactic---“

  “Interstellar.”

  “…Interstellar Spy Agency. Now try it again but tell me what ISA does for people.”

  Jayne nodded. “We help people solve mysteries.”

  “Why would I go to you, when I could probably get a stoner, dog, and a livery ship for the cost of six dozen special brownies?”

  Jayne stood straighter. “Because we’re the best spies in the business. And we use our skills to help people.”

  “Help people do what?”

  “Stand up to bullies and the corrupt.”

  “I like it. Tell me, can you have my wife followed to prove she’s cheating?”

  Jayne turned to admonish Merry but caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror before she could speak. She felt unable to move for a few seconds as she took it all in. The dress fit like a dream, and Jayne had to admit the deep green color flattered her skin tone and large, almond-shaped eyes. The girl in the mirror looked graceful, poised, ladylike, and beautiful. She heard herself think the words out loud in a small, true echo. “Damn, I look good.”

  Merry smiled gently, with no trace of ‘I told you so’ on her face. “Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is the real Jayne Austin.”

  Jayne beamed. “This dress has more sparkle to it than I thought.”

  “I don’t think it’s the dress.”

  A male voice called out from the other room. “Helloooo? Jayne?”

  Merry sighed in disgust. “Vlad the Inhaler.”

  Jayne pulled herself from the mirror and shuffled past Merry. She made her way back through into the office area. Vlad wandered the perimeter, tracing the outlines of past tech with his fingers.

  She tried not to sound frustrated by the interruption. “What’s up?”

  “I was just in the neighborhood and realized I’ve never seen this pla—” Vlad’s jaw fell open when he saw Jayne. He breathlessly uttered, “Who is this, and what did you do with Ms. Austin? Don’t answer that question, I like the new one better.” He waggled his eyebrows.

  “You sir,” Jayne replied slowly, “are an ass.”

  Vlad twisted the left corner of his mustache, a nervous tic. He always twisted his mustache when he was afraid, or excited. In this case, it was the latter. “Aren’t all professors?”

  Merry stepped in front of Jayne, flicking her hair in glaring contempt. “Maybe so, dickhead, but not all professors ogle students. So I guess that makes you an ass who’s about to lose tenure.”

  “And still infinitely more charming than you,” he countered.

  “You Freudian, lumberjack-looking motherfu---” Merry forcibly composed herself and continued, “Anyway, Jayne, I have something to complete your ensemble.”

  Merry took a long box out of her dress pocket and pulled out a silver and green necklace.

  Jayne grimaced. “It’s…”

  Vlad continued, “…hideous?”

  Merry stared daggers at Vlad “…a comm device, dip shit. I want to keep tabs on Jayne, so I can intervene if I must. I rebuilt some comm hardware so it would fit inside the center stone.”

  Jayne examined the clunky design. “That would explain the odd shape.”

  “Well, look at that. It appears Merry has her uses.”

  Merry raised an eyebrow combatively. “That’s what your mom said to me last night.”

  Ignoring the sexually-charged banter between the pair, Jayne awkwardly clasped the necklace behind her neck. “Thanks, Merry.”

  The door slid open to reveal a middle-aged deliveryman. “Package for Ms. Jayne Austin.”

  Jayne signed the receipt for the sofa bed as the delivery apprentices maneuvered the plastic wrapped sofa bed into the room. The office was officially her home, too. She went to bend down to push the bed into place, but immediately rethought it.

  Merry waved a hand dismissively. “We’ve got it, Jayne. You focus on kicking names and taking ass…” She paused. “Scratch that. Switch those words around. Or not, whatever you’re into.” She laughed at her own joke. Jayne couldn’t help but join her and laugh, too.

  Jayne and Merry held eye contact for a few seconds. Jayne felt calmer than she had all day. “Thank you.”

  Vlad moved to help unwrap the sofa as the delivery guys took off. “Are you two going to kiss, or is someone going to help me?”

  Merry brushed Vlad off with a sigh and looked at Jayne. “I’m proud of you, Jayne Fucking Austin. Now get out of here.” She pointed at the door decisively.

  Jayne smiled at Merry, grabbed her clasp off her desk and headed out.

  “By the way!” Merry called, and Jayne turned around. “That role-playing was good, but obviously d
on’t just blab about being a spy. No one needs a big mouth agent. Only tell the folks you realize you can trust. You’ll know when it feels right.”

  “Way ahead of you.” She held out her hand, daintily. “Jayne Austin, contract researcher for government initiatives.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Governor’s Mansion, L80, Theron Techcropolis, Armaros

  The cab pulled up to the end of the long, roundabout driveway. Jayne put her handheld back in her clasp and felt herself shrink inside. She noticed town cars, custom sports cars, and high-end sedans, but hers was the only cab. She gulped and reached for the open button.

  The cab driver interjected, “I wouldn’t, miss.”

  Before Jayne could object, an AI valet in a red suit approached the door. He gestured broadly as the door swung open. Jayne started to step out of the car. The valet cleared his throat and offered her his hand. She grasped it in a sturdy handshake, before realizing he was only offering her help out of the car.

  Jayne corrected herself and presented her hand to the valet and lowered her eyes politely. “Thank you, sir.”

  He helped her to a conveyor belt path between two rows of formidable oak trees. The translucent conveyer belt was lit from below, allowing Jayne to see the stars in the sky. She noticed pale blue Holo-frames highlighting several visible planets and constellations in the sky. Jayne touched the bark of one tree and wondered if rationing applied to the rich and powerful. There was a mix of wonder and a sinking feeling in Jayne’s body.

  What am I doing here?

  A man bumped into her from behind, bringing Jayne back to reality. He made a half turn to face her. “I’m so sorry.”

  Jane looked him up and down and thought, I’m not. “It’s no big deal,” she smiled.

  The blond man with a dimpled chin smiled awkwardly and continued walking on the already-moving belt. Jayne touched her gaudy necklace and wondered when she should call Merry. She could hear two women whispering a few feet behind her.

  “Well, I’ve never seen her.”

  “She must not be from our sector…”

  Jayne froze, listening for more evidence they were talking about her.