Expelled (Interplanetary Spy for Hire Book 1)

by Ell Leigh Clarke

  You may occasionally notice that a “human” name is used for characters here and there. That is because this is one of the ways we honor our Patrons – we name characters after them.

  You’ll see come book 2 a character called James Burrett, for instance. He’s one of our Patreon supporters!

  If you’d like to have a character named after you, and to continue the back stage shenanigans, feel free to join us over at: www.patreon.com/ellleighclarke.

  This is also where I share a lot of the thoughts and ideas that I wouldn’t want to put out into the wider world just yet. Sometimes it’s coz they’re controversial. Sometimes it’s just coz I’m still developing them. Still, they make for interesting discussions, and often evolve from one post to the next as other folks weigh in with other points of view and ideas.

  Think of it as a back-stage pass, or extended author notes, as they happen.

  Anyway, if you’re game, I’ll look forward to hanging out with you over there – either through the written posts and discussions, the Author Shenanigan videos, or on one of our live streams.

  Are we still funny?

  Ok. Here it is. Back by popular demand.

  I’ve heard the regular schedule of MA micky takings have been missed since our more regular collaborations came to an end. I was worried that perhaps we wouldn’t have enough fodder for the Author Notes (ANs) by the time our next publication was ready. I also wondered if perhaps we weren’t funny anymore – we’re spending less and less time talking as things have evolved.

  Well, to my surprise, MA has been a constant source of randomness. So much so in fact that we have a hashtag on slack to track all the things I want to share with you in ANs.

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  Now, sometimes MA has called shotgun on the rights to talk about certain escapades. (I have no idea if these items are going to show up in his ANs on the next section.) And sometimes he’s just shaken his head in despair as I’ve beaten him to the punch and claimed them for my own.

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  I was as interested as you might have been to see what ends up being published… He’s been threatening to cut me out of the loop so I can’t respond and set records straight. However a recent turn of events has meant that my team have ended up publishing these stories – so guess who is the last to see them before they go out?

  You guessed it.

  BRITTANY!

  (Yeah, not me. There’s no way I’m in charge….!)

  Random MA messages

  Every now and again I get random messages on slack from MA.

  Stuff that isn’t work related – but because he’s stopped using the Ellie Shenanigans channel, I have no way to know until I get into slack and read the message how important it is.

  So thinking this next message was urgent and important I stopped what I’m doing and jumped in to read it.

  MA: Ok, so I’m trying out an app that is both simple enough for me to play with, while still being powerful enough for me to think it has a chance at keeping me remindful of my To-Do’s...

  I realize that telling you risks an #AuthorNote in my future, but you are the one that will ask me about it and keep me honest when no one else knows...

  <<< Ellie Edit: And now EVERYONE knows! Mwahahahahha >>>

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  MA continues:

  The reason I remember is I’m trying to put in shit (of course, all of the things I know are needed I’m spacing on right now). But, under ‘Social’ I have a Shinanigans podcast to-do. Just a reminder I remember ... I am ‘out’ Feb 6th-12th but we can try something between now and then, or after!

  BWAHAHAHAHAHA>>>>. Look Out World, I’m getting my shit together!

  (God, I hope I don’t regret those words. Or they taste good with a side of ‘footinmouth’)

  ;-)

  <<< Ellie quietly copies and pastes the text into Author Notes doc for our next collaborative ANs to show readers what goes on behind the scenes >>>

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  That’s what she said

  You may already have gathered that when it comes to making MA blush, I can adopt the humor of a 12-year-old boy. Talk of boobs and sex consistently reduce him to a gibbering, blushing wreck.

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  And it amuses me, in much the same way that pulling the legs off a spider would amuse a 12-year-old boy…

  < and Those parts are probably true.>>

  So imagine my sheer delight when we were at the conference in Bali, and MA was trying to do his motivational speaker act, and *someone* on the front row would periodically interject with statements like: “That’s what she said,” or “Phrasing” whenever the moment lent itself to such additions.

  MA: “You have to go in hard…”

  Ellie: that’s what she said! BOOM!

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  Others included:

  “You have to get on top of it…”

  “It’s harder to get in than you think.”

  “If it’s not hard, it’s not worth it.”

  Craig: “How do I turn this thing on?”

  Ellie: That’s what he said!

  (Laughter erupts from the audience…)

  It didn’t help that Sarah Noffke sat next to me, laughing and encouraging it the entire time. (Thank you to my Bali partner in crime, Ms Noffke, for a. encouraging me, and b. reminding me of a bunch of these so I could share them here.)

  Apparently others had tried to get a microphone for me so they could hear at the back of the room. Alas, no such tool was forth coming – no doubt vetoed by MA and Mr. Craig.

  Anyway, by the end of the conference it had well and truly caught on and EVERYONE was doing it.

  That made me very happy.

  Boobs in Bali

  You might think from the title that this is me about to share the story about how my boobs popped out of my swimsuit when I was being rough-housed by the kids in the swimming pool… for all to see. It’s not. It’s another MA story.

  I didn’t see MA a lot at the conference, but there was a moment when I noticed he was one table over from where I was sitting with a group of authors.

  I can’t recall exactly how this came about. He might have looked over and asked what we were talking about. Or someone might have said his name and he looked over. Either way, I think I said something like “if we talk about boobs he’ll go bright red.”

  It was kind of like a science experiment. I wanted to see what would happen.

  Well, actually, I wanted to show them what happens when the word BOOBS is uttered.

  Right on cue, he turned bright red and looked away, pretending to go back to his conversation.

  Of course, this tickled me, and I had to explain the mechanism.

  Meanwhile, MA was trying desperately to ignore us. He was probably talking to other grown- ups. Or his wife. Or whatever.

  But the group being what it was, wasn’t going to let it go that easily.

  Not having seen what an instantaneous reaction it provokes. (That’s what she said…)

  < horribly focused and trying NOT to fuck-up. Imagine my chagrin, when I’m in the middle of trying to focus, not put my foot in my mouth and provide an awesome and insightful suggestion when this shit happens...>>

  Someone: ok. He’s ignoring us. We should all say boobs at the same time.

  Ellie: Michael!

  MA turns around, like a deer caught in headlights.

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  << Ellie second edit: Bwhahahahhahaha! >>

  Someone: One. Two. Three.

  The whole table of authors shouted “BOOOOOOOOBS!” at outside-voice volume.

  MA turned the color of beetroot and shriveled in shame, much to amusement of our table, and anyone else who had now heard the word boobs being shouted across the dining room.

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  I’ve noticed since we’ve been back, MA uses this pre-emptively when he introduces me to new people.

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  Two minutes into a conversation with a new collaborator:

  MA: Oh, @ellleighclarke you HAVE to get @REDACTED on Shenanigans - but you will have to give him a placard for his face as he has a full-time job and the genre might be a problem for him until he goes full time.

  I'd pay good money if you could get her to blush, @REDACTED.

  I'll pop some popcorn...

  @REDACTED: I’m pro at that … something about having written pervy stuff for a decade or more. Long as it’s all in good fun.

  I have no clue what Shenanigans is, though context gives me a pretty good idea.

  MA: She has a podcast 'thing' that she does for her fans. She finds it funny that I blush at 'boobs' when she says it.

  <<< Ellie edit: Damn right I do, Anderle. Damn right. And now so does EVERYONE! >>>

  < about this again. They went on a business trip and skipped out on us for a week. I had such high hopes. I’m going to have to pay for a verbal bouncer with you.>>

  When MA gets in on a fb exchange

  Ok, so this is word for word what happened on my fb page. Now, bear in mind, this isn’t out of the ordinary… You’ll see that every now and again MA will poke his head up above the parapet and wade in on random conversations. (I have a feeling he does this with other authors too – just to remind them he’s still around. And watching).

  Anyway, this is what transpired.

  Alex: Ell Leigh, just wanted to say I love your work!! I read the Michael series and I am currently reading the Ascension Myth on Audible. I love Molly and crew! Also, you and MA are hilarious to listen to!! I cant wait to hear what else you have in store!!

  Ell: hey Alexander - omg, that's awesome to hear. So glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, Author Notes are a blast. New series is the Sword Mage Chronicles, so that's happening now, and then a new "Spy for Hire" series we'll be launching in about a month.

  << Ellie edit: This was back in November. We’ve just got the ok to publish Spy for Hire/ Jayne Austin last night) >>

  Alex: oo I'll have to check that out! Also, I love all the sci-fi references in TAM. ;)

  Ell: oh cool! Yeah, that was my inner geek creeping out onto the page :D hahahaha

  Michael T Anderle: I'd like to suggest I'm the one suffering for our 'art' of harassment for the funnies.

  << Ellie edit: He’s referring here to the Author Notes. >>

  MA, continued: I should realize one shouldn't banter with a physicist, there is a good reason they think in all of these weird ass string theories and it has to do with their high level of intelligence.

  I was not prepared ;-)

  But, alas, it's my toil now in life to be the little mouse the cat plays with ... "Nice little mouse, it's so cute you think you will get away...."

  POUNCE!

  I go away, sulking in my Coke...

  "Next time Clarke...Next time..."

  And we end up with fun times.

  Now, if I could just get her to realize English 1.0 is so last century....

  Alex: haha

  Ell: yeah good luck with the English thing. You need to convince me of the merits of your version, and after 2+ years using it, I have enough data points to the contrary. ;)

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  Ok, I’m over my word limit and have eaten into some of MA’s. Thank you again for being here, for reading and for your awesome reviews. You rock. <3

  Ellie x

  Author Notes – Michael Anderle

  Mar 7th, 2019

  THANK YOU for not only reading this story but these Author Notes as well.

  (I think I’ve been good with always opening with “thank you.” If not, I need to edit the other Author Notes!)

  RANDOM (sometimes) THOUGHTS?

  Jayne Austin - Spy in the Sky…

  Ok, specifically space but it didn’t rhyme.

  When Ellie and I were batting around ideas for this series, we went a bit overboard and all over the place. Eventually Ellie (as she is good at doing) pulled it back on track after I shot out a bunch on ideas that might or might not have been well connected.

  (All of them were amazing, I promise!)

  If this is your first set of author notes from Ellie and myself, I’d like to set the expectations for going forward during our series.

  I’m an American, Ellie is British.

  I know how to speak English, Ellie speaks King’s English 1.0

  I come across as a know-it-all smartass…. Ellie actually is a physicist who knows it all - but is still a smart arse. (<<<—- Note how I used the King’s English version of ‘ass’? Note how it doesn’t sound right to say ‘smart arse’? It’s due to her English 1.0 issues.)

  << Ellie edit: impressive! You’re off to a great start Anderle! >>

  Ellie is good at poker, I suck at poker.

  I will explain in four paragraphs what Ellie will summarize in 2 sentences… Or one if she has had caffeine.

  I’m terribly jealous of that ability.

  You must watch the Author Shenanigan’s podcast to truly understand my confusion with English-isms. For Example: “We had a spot of rain” in England means “It rained like a fucking typhoon.” I know don’t know what to believe when people say anything in England anymore. Did they really mean the conversation was nice or did they mean please poke me with a thousand needles in the eye before getting a bite to eat with me next time?

  Ellie dies her hair all the damned time.

  << Ellie edit: he means ‘dyes’ >>

  << Michael edit: I was coming off of travel from Las Vegas to NY to London and sleep deprived, plus I (unfortunately) chose not to give this to an editor before finishing it quickly to give to my partner in crime (AKA Backstabber) for publishing. >>

  << Ellie second edit: hahahhahaaa… >>

  I can’t tell the color (most of the time) because her laptop camera sucks balls, the dye doesn’t show well, or I’m colorblind. Or perhaps some combination of all three.

  Ellie will allow me to believe nice things about her country even when they are not true. For example, I was complimenting how many trees England had out on the countryside between London and some small city about an hour away. Ellie was just nodding silently. I find out later on the plane trip out that along the roads the trees are a line ONLY ONE TREE DEEP.

  She thought that was funny as hell.

  Never play poker with Ellie. I can’t emphasize this enough. The woman reads poker books and does fucking math equations off the top of her mind. That shit is scary.

  And number 10, Ellie is a fantastic person to collaborate with, is fun and I’m excited to see where we take Jayne Austin - and you should be too. Just like, don’t believe her when she says stuff about me. Cause, I wrote these author notes first and then she adds her ‘spin’ on them like a Government PR agent.

  << Ellie edit: nice setting up of expectations, MA. Thanks for doing that. I didn’t
think of it at all. :). See, look, no spin. Just genuine acknowledgement. Jeez, idk why you’re so wary…;P >>

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  AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS

  One of the interesting (at least to me) aspects of my life is the ability to work from anywhere and at any time. In the future, I hope to re-read my own Author Notes and remember my life as a diary entry.

  London, England.

  I’m in London for the Book Fair starting in 4 days. Flew in early to have a day or two to try and deal with the sleep issues, and start meetings on the weekend before.

  Sure enough, I got here and an hour (or so) later, I crashed in the middle of trying to work. Ellie was one of those who I had to apologize to because I was going to miss a work meeting to record author notes.