A Deliberation of Morality

by Kevin L. O'Brien

wasn't, getting mad still wouldn't help her situation.

  "Hey." DeeDee broke into her thoughts. "Do you mind if I change into something more comfortable?"

  Before Differel had a chance to respond, the devil-doll disappeared in a flash of fire and a puff a smoke. A larger column of smoke and flame sprang up in front of the desk, startling her, accompanied again by the organ note, now loud enough to shake the desk. DeeDee reappeared, full-sized, but otherwise no different. She stretched in a languid, almost provocative, manner, as if working the kinks out of her compacted muscles.

  "Man, does that feel good! Being shoulder-size gets to be pretty confining after awhile."

  Somehow, Differel found her larger size more disturbing, in more ways than one. "Are you sure this isn't a dream?"

  DeeDee walked around the desk to her side. Differel reached under the top to grip her pistol, but didn't pull it when she leaned backwards against the edge. "If you don't believe me, call someone. If this is a dream, they'll see me, otherwise they won't."

  She raised an eyebrow as she removed her hand. "I can call anyone?"

  "Anybody you like."

  She smirked. "Hmph. As you wish." Vlad; come to me.

  Vlad Drakulya emerged from the corner closest to the door. "You rang, My Master?" he said in his deep bass voice.

  DeeDee jumped at the sound and spun around, a shocked expression on her face, but then she covered it with one hand and shook her head. "Oh, God, anybody but him."

  "Well, now," the Vampire said, fixing his gaze to Differel's left, "and what do we have here?"

  She wasn't surprised by his reaction. "You see her then." At least that solved one dilemma.

  DeeDee glared at her. "Of course he can see me! He's bloody Dracula; what else would you expect?"

  Differel furrowed her brow. "What makes him so special?"

  DeeDee clenched her fists and jammed them against either side of her head. "Jesus H. Christ, woman! His knowledge of the Dark Arts gives him second-sight. He can see any supernatural or paranormal being, even when it's invisible, or a hallucination. Didn't you know that? He could see all my predecessors. Why do you think he was always leering at you?"

  "It was not entirely due to them," he countered.

  Surprised, Differel said, "You mean, he could see you even if this was all real?"

  She made a frustrated guttural shriek as she turned to face her. "Didn't I just say that?! I really thought you'd have called Aelfraed, or that hunky Holt."

  Her indignation flared as she glared at her servant. "Why didn't you ever tell me?!"

  He shrugged. "There was no need. You were never in any danger." Then he grinned. "Besides, I liked looking at them. It allowed me to imagine certain possibilities."

  "Shut it, you bloody git! I only want to know one thing: am I dreaming?"

  "Not unless I am having the same dream, and I do not dream."

  "But if you are part of my dream?"

  "Would you like me to pinch you to be sure?"

  "Try it, and I'll have Aelfraed mix garlic juice in your blood."

  "You are very much awake, Sir Differel. A shame, really, otherwise it might be enjoyable watching the two of you--"

  She jumped out of her chair. "One more word, and I'll cut out your heart!"

  "As you wish, My Master." He gave her a bow with a lecherous leer. "Will there be anything else?"

  "No. Now get out!"

  "Then, I bid you good evening, Ladies. No cat fights, now." And he faded into the corner.

  DeeDee shuddered. "He gives me the creeps, especially his nauseatingly lewd fantasies about us--"

  Still furious, Differel pulled the pistol out from under the desk and pointed it at the devil. "You keep your filthy mouth shut!"

  She smirked. "Oh, like that's going to do any good." She eased her arse onto the desk and sat dangling her legs as she gripped the edge. "I'm a figment of your imagination, Sweet-Cheeks. All you'll end up doing is putting a bullet into the wall behind me. I'd like to see you try to explain that away."

  For some reason, her words drained away her anger. Things started to make sense. "My imagination, you say?" She sat down and placed the pistol on the blotter. "Then I should be able to wish you away."

  She flashed an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I guess I misspoke. I'm inside you; I'm part of your psyche, the part that would like to be selfish and self-indulgent, that would like to throw all the rules out the window and just do whatever the hell you want, with no conscience or responsibility. What you're seeing is a manifestation based on your imagination; it's like a costume I put on when I'm on duty." She jabbed a thumb at her sternum. "But I'm very real, and you can no more wish me away than you can your own dark side."

  Differel scowled. Her grasp of the situation had slipped away again. "But why in the Almighty's Name would I imagine a slut?"

  She shrugged. "Beats the Hell out of me, Toots. Maybe deep down inside you want to be one."

  "Hmph! I really doubt that."

  "Oh, come on, be honest for once!"

  "And pray tell, what does that mean?"

  "A part of your psyche, remember? I know how you felt when that baobhan sith went down on you, and when you propositioned Holt. I also know about those late nights spent masturbating after you turned fifteen, and your liaisons with Margaret, and the way your heart races every time you see Billy the stable hand--"

  "That will do!"

  "Not to mention all those fantasies about Victor. You know, I have it on good authority from his shoulder devil that he would enjoy some of the things you dream up, though he might be turned off by some of your darker dominance and BDSM scenarios. You can be pretty kinky, Lady."

  Differel could barely hold her rage in check. "Are you quite finished?" She spoke through gritted teeth.

  "What's that one with Dracula? You know, with the sawhorses and pulleys and stakes--"

  Differel slammed a hand down on the desktop. DeeDee gave her diabolical grin.

  "I think my point's made. No matter how much you repress or deny it, if you let yourself go, you could probably give the succubi lessons."

  Differel clenched her fists as she worked to tame her rage. It occurred to her that the devil tried to provoke her on purpose, to get her to lose control.

  "I wouldn't worry about it, Babe, we gave up on trying to tempt you with lust a long time ago."

  That gave her an idea for turning the tables. "So, what did you do to be assigned to me?"

  She gave her a look that mixed irritation with embarrassment. "There's only one thing I can think of, and it was so minor, hardly worth discussing."

  She fell silent, but Differel waited her out, leaning her face against her clasped hands.

  "I talked back to Naamah."

  "Who?"

  "She's the head succubus. I had applied for a position in her department, and she wanted a demonstration of my talents, on her casting couch. I told her what she could do with it."

  Differel smirked. "That must have been some suggestion."

  "Yeah, well, I may be a devil and a whorish slut, but I've still got my pride. Besides, not everyone's as liberal as Lucifer."

  Differel raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Satan, liberal?"

  DeeDee chuckled. "Don't let the propaganda fool you, Honey. He had some pretty progressive ideas, but God's such a conservative old fogey he wouldn't listen."

  "Rebellion is progressive?"

  She shrugged. "You have to break some eggs to make an omelet."

  "And pray tell, what does that mean?"

  DeeDee scowled. "Oh, I don't know! That's politics; I'm just into tempting and screw--"

  "Watch your mouth!"

  DeeDee laughed. "Yeah, right! I'm just saying what you've thought in your head a hundred times before."

  "I meant the screwing part!"

  She flashed an evil grin in triumph. "Made you say it, Sweet Pea!"

  Differel closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She had gotten to her again.

  "All righ
t, that's one for you."

  "One?! I've got news for you, Babycakes: anger's a mortal sin."

  "That's wrath, and I'm not Catholic."

  "So? What difference does that make? You think God's going to care what you call yourself?"

  "Anglicans do not categorize sins according to levels of seriousness. We believe that any sin is potentially mortal, requiring repentance, confession, and absolution, if it distracts us or leads us away from God. My anger is a problem, but I am aware of that and I ask forgiveness each time it gets the better of me."

  "Yeah, well, good luck with that." But she sounded like a petulant teenager with no more cogent a reply than 'whatever'.

  For the first time, Differel felt satisfaction instead of confusion or frustration. She removed a cigarillo from the humidor on her desk and lit it up before continuing.

  "If you're my new shoulder devil, why haven't I seen any of your predecessors? And how can I see you now, for that matter?"

  "If I had to guess, I'd say your fatigue. You Humans are more perceptive than you give yourselves credit for, but your logical, rational minds cloud that perception most of the time. You may be just tired enough that your consciousness has lost control over your subconscious, but not enough to put you to sleep. Hence you can consciously see and hear me whereas normally you wouldn't."

  That could also explain my shorter temper. Twelve or so years ago she wouldn't have had any better control, but more recently she wouldn't get that mad with any adversary, as long as she retained full command of her faculties. "But why appear now?"

  DeeDee shrugged. "How the hell should I know? I only appear when you're faced with a moral dilemma. Until then, I have no idea what you're up to."

  "You said you were part of my psyche. I would think you should know that better than I."

  "Hmph. Yeah, well, looks like I misspoke again. As I said before, I'm an independent being, not some sluttish hallucination dreamed up by your exhausted mind. Until recently, I had no access to your psyche, and while we devils can read minds and hearts, I had no reason to read yours, and frankly little interest, considering what I had heard of you. But when I became your shoulder devil I took on the dark part of your psyche just as I took on this form. That's how I learned all about your perverse sexual desires."

  Differel bit off an enraged reply and forced herself to remain calm.

  "In any event, I was reviewing your psyche when I received the summons. I had started at the beginning and hadn't reached your last few moments before I felt the call. I then had to drop everything and come here. So I have no clue as to why."

  "How do I know you didn't show up just to harass me?"

  "Who do you think you are, St. Anthony? Besides, once I became your shoulder devil, I could only come in response to a moral dilemma."

  "Then something must have triggered it."

  "Well, what were you thinking just before I appeared?"

  Differel frowned. "I'm not entirely sure anymore. I was writing a report, a budget allocation survey, and felt tired, so I decided to take a short break."

  "Why are you tired?"

  "Obviously, because I'm working late."

  "So, why are you working late?"

  "Henry's visiting me. To be able to spend time with him, I had to postpone my routine work until after he went to bed."

  "Why not have someone else do it?"

  "No one else is qualified."

  "Then train someone, or do you consider yourself so indispensible that only you can fill out reports?"

  Differel snapped her fingers, though her gloves muffled the sound. "I remember now. I was thinking much the same, how people treated me as indispensible, but I wondered if it might be my fault in part for not delegating authority. Then I thought about how I felt trapped, unable to see a solution, and wondered if I could just resign the directorship and walk away."

  DeeDee gestured at her as a sign of affirmation. "That must be it. You're trying to decide whether to quit."

  "Hmph. I may have considered it in a moment of weakness, but then, you devils exploit weakness, don't you."

  "Oh, and now you're strong again, is that it? And that exploitation malarkey is just more propaganda. I see my job as offering choices."

  "Choices."

  "Of course. After all, too much selflessness can be just as bad as too much selfishness."

  "Pray tell, how?"

  "Think about it. When you're selfish, other people suffer because they do without, but when you're selfless, you suffer because you do without."

  "And how is that a bad thing?"

  "Well, take this situation as an example. You want to spend time with Henry, but you also want to get your work done and you want to visit the Dreamlands. You can't do all three, but no matter what you do, you will deprive yourself of something you feel is important. Since you feel a greater responsibility towards your son and your work, you deprive yourself of sleep and the comfort of your husband, but since no one's perfect, that leaves you vulnerable to moments of weakness, such as now."

  "So, what do you suggest?"

  "As the preachers say, everything in moderation. And strike a balance between your obligations. To do that, however, you need to reevaluate your priorities."

  "My priorities?"

  "Naturally. Right now, you consider running the Order more important than family. Would you say that is a particularly intelligent choice?"

  As a matter of fact, I wouldn't, but my duty doesn't leave me much choice. "The Order is responsible for protecting every man, woman, and child from paranormal threats. Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or one."

  "As you say, that's the Order's responsibility; it isn't yours."

  True, but: "When I became Director, I swore an oath to defend Queen, Church, and Country against all paranormal foes. I consider that to mean that I, personally, took on the Order's protective role."

  "Can you alone do the job the Order does?"

  "No." She could make no clarification of that single-word answer.

  "Then you need the Order to accomplish your role."

  "Yes."

  "So the role is symbolic, not practical."

  "It could be seen that way."

  "Then, if it's symbolic, the Order does not require your participation to function, beyond your administrative, strategic, and advisory duties."

  "So it would appear."

  "Then why kill yourself this way? And why deny your loved ones your time and attention? It won't be long before Henry is a teenager and then an adult, with his own agenda and life to live. These next few years are the most precious you'll ever have with him. Can you truly justify ignoring him for your precious duty? What is duty compared to the love and respect of your own son?"

  She was of course right. She had pondered that question for years, even before she reconciled with him. And she had wrestled with its implications and consequences all the more strongly in just the past couple of years.

  Only recently I told Eile and Sunny about my fear that if I wasn't careful, I would one day find Henry all grown up with a family of his own, and I would no longer be able to be the mother I want to be.

  "Of course, I'm not saying anything that you haven't already told Team Girl."

  The shilling suddenly dropped. "Something's just occurred to me that could have a strong bearing on our conversation."

  "Okay, Babe, I'll bite: what?"

  Differel took a moment to puff on her cigarillo and then extinguish it. "When you first appeared, you reacted as if you didn't know you had been assigned to me. Yet later you boasted of your knowledge of my innermost erotic fantasies and admitted you had been reviewing my psyche, and just now you mentioned a discussion I had with the Girls just last week concerning my conflicting responsibilities to my son and my duty."

  "Yeah; so?"

  "So, you should have known who I was before you appeared."

  She smiled when DeeDee threw her a surprised look. "Er, well, I...uh..."
/>
  "That in turn reminded me, despite your easy-going manner of camaraderie, that your master is the Father of Lies. Which makes me wonder what else you said that was a lie."

  DeeDee didn't respond, she just stared at Differel with consternated expression.

  "In fact, can I accept anything that you say at face value?"

  DeeDee smiled, but it was a cold, harsh expression in a dark countenance with burning eyes. Gone was any pretense of friendliness and wise counsel, replaced by diabolical wrath, disdain, aggravation, and hatred. Alarmed, Differel grabbed up her pistol, but in that moment she realized she had just caught a glimpse of the devil's true nature.

  "So." Her voice had gone deep and hollow, and became pitched as a growl. "It would seem that even when exhausted, your mind is a sharp as ever. That's one for you."

  Before Differel could decide how to respond, twin life-sized pillars of flame and smoke appeared in the middle of the room, accompanied by a dual organ chord. When they vanished, she saw two more devils, identical in appearance to Eile and Sunny, except for the horns and tails. The devil-Sunny wore a tiny, see-through Teddy negligee that barely covered her hips, while the diabolical Eile wore a latex dominatrix catsuit and carried a riding crop.

  "Hey, DeeDee!" the devil-Eile cried. "Lilith's having a party!" The devil-Sunny nodded and swung her hips as if to music.

  "Yes!" DeeDee replied in maniacal joy, her appearance, voice, and manner having returned to normal. "I am so there!" She jumped off the desk and ran around it to join the demonical Girls.

  Differel stood up, brandishing her pistol. "Now just a minute--!"

  DeeDee glanced back at her. "Oh, yeah, sorry to just run off like this, but I'm sure you'll figure out what to do. Tell you what, we can talk more about it next time. Toodles!" And the three of them disappeared in a small conflagration to the tune of an organ chord that shook the whole room. Differel shielded her face from the heat, and when the flames disappeared, she saw a charred spot on the marble floor and soot staining the ceiling.

  She sat back down. "Oh, bother! The least they could have done was clean up after themselves."

  The intercom on her phone buzzed as she replaced the pistol under the desk. She punched the button. "Yes?"

  "Is everything all right, My Lady?"

  "Aelfraed? What are you still doing up?"

  "I never retire until you do, My Lady."

  "I see. Yes, actually, everything's fine; why do you ask?"

  "The guard outside your door could hear you talking to yourself."

  She smiled. "And you thought the stress had finally driven me bonkers."

  "Well, I...frankly, yes, Madam."

  "Could he hear what I saying?"

  "No, Madam, and he assures me he would not eavesdrop in any event."

  "Hmph. Well, I haven't gone Looney Tunes, as Eile would say. In fact, I was rehearsing a speech."

  "Of course, Madam." Which was his way of saying he knew she had lied, but he wouldn't challenge it. "Might I suggest, though, that you get some rest. You and Henry have a busy day tomorrow, and I'm sure that whatever you're working on can wait until later."

  She stifled a yawn. "Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea."

  "I'll bring some tea up to your boudoir."

  "Aelfraed, could you get a hold of Miss Primary in the morning, and ask her to come by for tea?"

  "Certainly, My Lady. May I enquire as to why?"

  "I'm thinking of reestablishing the position of Manager for the Order."

  "I believe that would be a wonderful idea, and Miss King would make a smashing candidate."

  "Very good. Oh, and get an estimate on how much it would cost to clean the floor and ceiling in my office."

  "My Lady?"

  She chuckled. "You'll see." And she switched off the intercom. She took a moment to light a fresh cigarillo before getting up and walking out of the room. The guard snapped to attention as she came abreast of him, and she paused beside him.

  "I commend your diligence and zeal, Private," she said, without looking at him, "but in future, I would appreciate it if you ignored whatever you may hear inside my office, short of a cry for help or the sounds of an obvious altercation. Is that clear?" And she favored him with a sidelong glance.

  He nodded, his upper lip sweating. "Yes, Sir! I mean, Ma'am!"

  She returned his nod. "Very good, carry on." And she proceeded down the hall towards the stairwell to climb up to the third floor.

  DeeDee may have been right for all the wrong reasons. She obviously intended to try to convince her to resign as Director. Setting up Maggie King as Manager should help counter that. She didn't want to lose her skills as her most talented double, but really, Miss Secondary and Miss Tertiary were just as good, and having Maggie as Manager would also place her in a position to more easily transition into her double role when needed.

  But as she came out of the stairwell and walked across the wing to her suite, she realized she didn't need to work herself to death. Back when she first became Director, she understood she couldn't have it all, and decided not to try. Victor had thrown a monkey wrench into her resolve, but she never regretted it. However, the result of their liaison, Henry, had laid upon her a responsibility as great as that of running the Order, possibly even greater. She had tried to juggle all her responsibilities together, but it hadn't worked out. Something had to give, and if it wouldn't be the time she spent with her son or her husband, it had to be her duties as Director. Reactivating the post of Manager would go some ways towards lightening her load. As for whatever else she could do, she would just have to play it by ear.

  As she entered her boudoir, she saw the teapot and cup resting on the drawing table. She took off her jacket and flung it over the back of her easy chair, then carefully opened the door to the children's bedroom. She walked up to the bed and saw Henry fast asleep, his adorable, cherubic face completely relaxed. She leaned over and adjusted the covers over his body, then stroked his hair, before bending down and giving him a light kiss on the cheek. He didn't stir one bit, and she tip-toed back to her own suite, closing the door behind her. She wondered if he had his own shoulder devil.

  Probably so; I just hope his shoulder angel is more attentive than mine.

  She went to the table and picked up the pot. As she poured, a ball of light appeared beside the cup. Though blinding, it didn't hurt to look at it, and it was accompanied by a heavenly choral note. When the light faded, a six-inch version of herself had appeared, only she bore snow-white wings and a sun-gold halo, and wore an egg-shell-white gown with sky-blue trim and a metallic-gold cross inserted into the bosom. The only significant difference from herself was that she had a deep, rich, gorgeous, golden-brown tan.

  She finished pouring her tea and set the pot down. "Don't tell me, let me guess: you are my shoulder angel." She picked up the cup and took a sip.

  "Indeed, Sir Differel," she said, in a more melodic version of her own voice, "and I wish to apologize for not appearing earlier, but DeeDee was right, you had no need of us, until now."

  "Why now?"

  "I came to warn you. DeeDee is their best, most successful tempter: she has never lost a Patient. In fact, it was she who brought about Hitler's damnation!"

  "Hitler?! That doesn't sound like much of an accomplishment if you ask me."

  "You do not understand. Before she got her hooks into him, Adolph Hitler was on his way to becoming a saint."

  Differel started. "You're joking!"

  "I wish I was. Though contrary to popular imagination we angels do have a well-developed, and in some cases even a bawdy sense of humor, this is no laughing matter."

  "But surely, now that I know, she can't succeed."

  "Do not underestimate her! Remember what Lewis wrote: the safest path to Hell is the gradual one. She sees her goal being to befuddle, confuse, and eventually corrupt rather than tempt. She is a master of psychological manipulation. She suggests rather than cajoles; she offers analyses, options, choices,
like a counselor would help you make your own decision, but all the while she leads you down the path she has set for you, the path that leads, inevitably, to damnation. And at the end, you will believe it was all your own idea. In that, she has already begun."

  "How so?"

  "Your decision to train Magdalene King to become Manager of the Order; she manipulated you into making it."

  "No, not possible! I did it to thwart her, to prevent her from convincing me my only choice is to resign."

  "It was not a bad decision, and it can be turned to good. But in one important way it makes her job less difficult: she can now more easily convince you that you are not truly needed to run the Order, and you would feel less resistance to just walking away. In that regard, you have moved a step closer to Hell."

  An overwhelming sense of doom came over her, and she went over to her easy chair and sat down. She had always prided herself on her belief in her own salvation. It made it easier for her to concentrate on her duty. The revelation that it was not only no longer assured, but even in danger, felt like a heavy weight that had settled onto her shoulders. That was not an enemy she could fight with gun or sword, or even Vlad.

  What am I to do? How can I overcome this latest, and worst, challenge?

  The angelic Differel flew across the room and settled on the arm of the chair. "Do not despair, Sir Differel, all is not lost. You have the Grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ to shield you, and she must convince you to renounce that before she can ultimately win. Further, you are not nor never will be a Christian in name only; you live as He taught, and she must get you to abandon that before she can succeed. Additionally, your actions, especially those as Peacemaker, have earned you wealth in Heaven, and she must goad you to squander that before she can make any meaningful progress. Finally, from this day forward you shall have me, to guide and counsel you on what is the correct course of action in all your decisions. I will not be inattentive as my predecessors were. She and I have never opposed each other before, but I, too, have never lost a Patient, and I welcome the challenge."

  "Well, I suppose as long as you're there to tell me when she's leading me astray--" But she cut herself off when her angelic counterpart shook her head.

  "You will never see us again, except perhaps under very extraordinary circumstances."

  "Then, how can you help me?"

  "I shall be standing on your shoulder, as she will, whispering in your ear. You will perceive our words as your own thoughts, but whereas she will appeal to your selfish nature, I will appeal to your selfless attributes. That is how you can distinguish between us. Further, if you are uncertain, look into your own conscious; it knows the proper thing to do. Finally, if all else fails you, pray; Our Father in Heaven will show you which is the correct decision."

  She took flight and hovered above her. "Farewell, Sir Differel; you will not see me again, but you can take comfort in the knowledge that I shall always be with you from now on. Trust in God, and all shall be well."

  "Wait!" She raised a hand. "Before you go, your name wouldn't happen to be Differel Angelique, would it?"

  DeeAnn grinned. "It would. What made you think so?"

  Differel smiled. "Just a wild guess." And she winked.

  DeeAnn laughed, and it seemed to Differel that the world became brighter and livelier. "You are a true Child of God; remain so, and you shall never fear again. Now, I must go. May the Lord bless you and keep you; may His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you; may He look upon you with kindness and give you peace. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

  "Amen," Differel replied. DeeAnn nodded, and became engulfed in a ball of crystalline light as the choral note sounded. When it disappeared, Differel was alone.

  But she no longer felt quite so heavy-hearted.

  +++

  For more information on Sir Differel Van Helsing and the Caerleon Order, see the official site [https://www.sir-differel.com/].

  Back to TOC

  +++

  About the Author

  Kevin L. O'Brien was born with a pen in his hand.

  Well, not quite, but he has been writing for as long as he can remember, at least since First Grade. Writing has always been his first, true love, but it hasn't always been his career. He worked for 15 years as a biomedical researcher, then for 3 years as a web designer. However, after 30 years of trying to be published in print with little success, he has decided to try his hand at self-publishing. Most of his works will be sold as ebooks through various online retailers, but he also plans to make some available for free exclusively on Goodreads.

  He writes primarily speculative fiction--fantasy, science fiction, horror, and their sub-genres--but he also likes to try his hand at thrillers, suspense, mystery, and even westerns. However, his stories tend to have a fantasy element, no matter how subtle.

  Most of his stories involve the following three main characters:

  Medb hErenn [https://www.medbherenn.com/]--One-time queen of Ireland, she is over 3500 years