by Ben Chambers
But now that I don’t live at home, I have to buy all my own makeup myself. I know makeup and those sorts of things are quite stupid, and that you’re not meant to care too much about how people look or anything. But I quite like them anyway, I suppose. At least a little bit. I guess that makes me just a silly girl. But I don’t care. Sometimes I like to stay up very late into the night and try on lots of different clothes and wear lots of different makeup. I have this very tall mirror in my room, so that I can see my whole self all at once. Some people only have those small mirrors that can only see your face. I don’t like those ones. I like big mirrors. Sometimes I’ll put on heaps of makeup and do it all with really interesting colours and contrasts and things. It looks quite funny. Like one time I put purple lipstick on my bottom lip and bright red on my top lip, so that they were different colours. It looked very silly. Or I’ll even do a big circle of black lipstick around my eye, like I got in a fight. Maybe I’ll even pretend to punch myself in the mirror, too. Then when I’m finished with the makeup, before I clean it off, I’ll just smear it all over my face! For no reason at all! I’ll have a whole lot of makeup on my face, then just use my hands to rub it all over everywhere. Then I look in the mirror and laugh so much sometimes. It looks crazy! Then I’ll try on a whole bunch of dresses and clothes that I’ve got in my wardrobe. I’ll put on a green skirt and green top and green everything. Then I’ll pretend I’m a tree or something and dance around like trees do in the wind. Also, sometimes, I put on lots of costumes I’ve got from when I used to do dance recitals, if they still fit me. Some of them do. I’ve got costumes from The Nutcracker and from Peter Pan and other cool plays and ballets and things. I have a lot of fun by myself in the middle of the night when I do that. It makes me feel quite mischievous. I know it sounds very stupid and immature, but it’s actually so much fun. I do it all secretly though, so no one can see me. You should try it some time; I think you’d secretly like it, too.
I went into this makeup store that I like. It was quite empty, I guess because everyone was working or studying for exams. There was only about one other person in there. Then one of the staff people came up to me. It was one of those very gorgeous girls. She was tall, with very nice clothing on, and these gold earrings. These big gold hoops. She was even wearing heels, too. It must be quite uncomfortable to wear those for the whole day. She asked if she could help me with anything. It made me quite nervous, because I didn’t even know her. I’m not very good at talking to people I don’t know. Sometimes when I get nervous, I almost can’t hear anything. The blood rushes in my head, and it makes it very difficult to hear sounds like cars beeping or people yelling or any other kind of sounds.
I told the makeup lady I was just looking around. She said okay but kind of stood around for a few seconds. Maybe she thought I was going to ask her a question. But I didn’t. Then she went away. I felt a bit better after that. Not quite as worried.
First, I got some mascara. I used to get this horrible mascara that would clump all over my eyelashes and make these big blobs. That was when I was quite young though, and I didn’t know any better. You can’t really blame a little kid for something like that. Or for anything, really. But now I use this liquid mascara stuff. It’s made from a very pure liquid. I think that’s what makes it such good quality, which helps it run on very smooth. Anyway, I like it a lot, and I get it every time now. I also got some foundation and eyeliner and a couple of other things. I have to get this very specific foundation though, because my skin is so pale. I sort of have this thing called anaemia. But I only sort of have it, though. My doctor told me. They just said it was because I didn’t eat enough meat and vegetables and stuff. I’m quite a picky eater. Quite often all I’ll eat is a slice of toast, with nothing on it at all. Not even butter. And even when I eat meat, it’s practically only sausages. I don’t really like anything else. My parents always used to try get me to eat other stuff when I was a kid, but I refused. They told me a story about how once, when I was only three years old, they cooked me some fish and tried to feed it to me for dinner. But I wouldn’t even open my mouth. They told me I had to sit at the dinner table until I finished it. All I did, though, was start crying. I was crying and then trying to get away from the table. But every time I tried to get away, they would just pick me up and put me back on the chair. Then I would just cry even more. That kept happening for hours. Eventually though, they said all I did was fall asleep. Right there at the table. I even kind of fell asleep with my face right on top of the fish. I don’t really remember it, but they said I never even ended up eating it. That was good, at least.
But now every couple of months I have to go to the doctor to get this injection. My dad always used to call it my ‘meat shot’, because it would give me a lot of protein and stuff that I needed, since I didn’t eat enough vitamins. I always laughed when he said that; I thought it was a very funny name. But they said if I eat better, that it will go away, and I can have good health. Sometimes I’d quite like to be very healthy like that. But not too often. I don’t mind too much.
After that, I remembered I needed to buy a dress. I didn’t want to spend too much money, so I just went to this big store that sells pretty cheap clothes. I just got a plain black dress, and I could wear it with the leather shoes I already had on. The dress came up to my knees, or maybe a little bit above that. It had quite a high neck lining, though. I don’t really like low-cut dresses that show off your boobs a lot. Mostly because I have hardly any boobs to show off in the first place. I tried it on and looked at myself in the mirror, and I thought I looked quite good. I had quite pale skin, and it looked even more pale in the black dress and black shoes, but I liked that. I looked quite punk.
I have this sort of vision. It might sound kind of stupid, but I think it’s quite cool. I would be on K Road. K Road is this place where a lot of prostitutes and punks and people using drugs and things hang out. So I’d be on K Road at nighttime, all dressed in black. I’d be really punk. But not one of those really dirty ones you sometimes see; I’d just be very cool. I’d have black hair. And I’d have black leather shoes, kind of like I had on then. And I’d have my eyebrow pierced, which I don’t actually have. And under my clothes, secretly, I’d also have one of my nipples pierced. Which I definitely don’t have! But no one would know I had it pierced, because it would be underneath all my clothes, so that nobody could see it. It would make me feel very naughty. And I’d be standing outside this club. The music would be quite loud in the background, and I’d just be outside to get some fresh air and smoke a cigarette before I went back inside to get up to some mischief. But while I was standing outside, a boy would walk up to me from the street. He’d be very attractive. He would have long hair, but it would be attractive long hair. And he’d come up to me, a little bit drunk, and say ‘hey’. He’d say it in the kind of way where you knew he was flirting. You could tell he really wanted to talk to me. He wanted my attention, badly. But all I would do is turn to him and say ‘fuck off’, just like a real punk. I’d say it very calm and cool, though. Not angry or anything. Just cool. Then I’d take another puff of the cigarette, flick it into the gutter, and go back into the club. Or maybe I’d even blow the smoke into his face. But that’s quite rude, so maybe I wouldn’t. I’m not quite sure which I like better; I haven’t decided yet. But I would be very cool about it all, like I didn’t care about anything, because I’m a badass punk.
But I’m not actually like that. My hair isn’t even black; it’s only brown.
I bought the dress and put it in my bag. I figured I could just get changed in a bathroom or something before I went to the party. After that, I remembered I had to get that Lily girl a present. I didn’t know what to get her! I was so frustrated! I thought maybe she would like a book, but I didn’t know what kind of things she liked to read. Then I thought I could get her some sunglasses or something. But what if she didn’t even wear sunglasses? What would she do with them then? I eventually just got her some hand cream fr
om this beauty shop that I sometimes frequent. I hoped she liked that kind of stuff. Most girls do, I suppose. But some don’t. You can never be too sure.
After I had gotten all my stuff, I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I still had a few hours before I could go to the party, and I didn’t want to go home, so I didn’t know what to do. I decided to go to the library. But I wanted to go to a different library than the one I was in before. I was in the university library before, which was just full of textbooks and science books. But this one I decided to go to then was the city library, which had much better books in it. Like stories that are very interesting and even exciting to read. So I started walking there. It was quite grey outside then. The sky was very cast over. It was strange, because even though there were some cars driving around, and some people walking on the streets and talking on their phone or talking to other people that they were walking with, it was quite quiet. It felt like there should have been more stuff going on around me, since it was the middle of the city. But there wasn’t too much happening.
I eventually got to the library. It’s a pretty cool place. I don’t really like books too much or anything, I mostly just like how big and quiet the library is. Pretty much anywhere else in the world you go, you can never be too sure if there will be something very loud going on there. There could be some road works going on, or an alarm ringing, or just some annoying people shouting at each other. But in the library, I’d never heard any loud noises before. That was my favourite part about it.
I looked around the kids section for a while. There were a bunch of kids hanging around reading picture books, and their mothers and fathers were sitting nearby. It made me think of when my dad used to take me to the library. We would go there every now and again, not too often though. We’d go there to look at some books when we didn’t have anything better to do. He’d walk along with me, holding my hand, trying to show me some very interesting books on the shelves. But mostly I didn’t really care about them. I got too distracted by everything else. Mostly by this play area they had. I always got distracted by that. You can’t blame me though, since I was just a little kid.
It wasn’t a real playground or anything. That would be pretty crazy to have a playground in a library. But it was a good area for playing in. It just had some little things that you could climb on, and adventure though. Just little wooden boxes and tunnels. And lots of colourful things that children seem to always like. That kind of stuff.
After I was done looking at the kids section, I went over to the adult fiction part. There aren’t too many books in that section that I like, but I found one that looked sort of interesting. But after I sat down with it, I remembered that I couldn’t focus on anything just then. I could barely even read the title. So I put it back.
I decided to go upstairs to the music section. That was the best part of the library by far. You can go up there and put these headphones on that they have and listen to all sorts of music. They have lots of different kinds. They have these pretty nice chairs you can sit on while you’re listening, too. Sometimes I like listening to some of my favourites like Queen or Frankie Valli. Or sometimes, instead, I just like listening to anything. I’ll just select a random song and play it. That can get pretty crazy. You never know what sort of song you’re going to get.
But when I went upstairs to the music section, there were quite a lot of people there. There were a few seats free, but most of them were taken. I guess it was a busy time or something. I didn’t really feel like hanging around all those other people, so I just decided to leave instead.
I went outside and saw this pretty scary looking person. He was sitting by the library door and drinking alcohol. There are normally quite a lot of homeless people like that hanging around the library. My dad told me it’s because they can go inside and use the bathrooms for free or get out of the wind if it’s very cold.
Then I saw this lady coming into the library, holding an umbrella over her head. I’m not sure why she had an umbrella though, since it wasn’t raining at all. But the scary man must have noticed as well, because he yelled at her, “It’s not even raining!” And then he kind of tried to kick her from where he was sitting down. Luckily, he couldn’t really reach her. She just kind of jumped over him and ran inside. It was pretty crazy. I think he was drunk. I left pretty quickly after that. I just went to a movie instead. I could at least focus on that. But the movie wasn’t very good.
Chapter Three
At about eight o’clock, I caught the bus to the address that Anne wrote down for me. I’m quite talented at catching buses. I’ve caught buses all over the city during my whole life, and I know almost all of the routes now. But on the bus ride there, I started getting very worried. I wasn’t sure if I would know anybody at the party, except for Penny. And I suppose Anne, too. I thought about what would happen if they weren’t even there. I’d probably end up walking around the house the entire night by myself. It sounded awful.
The bus dropped me off a few streets down from the address. I sort of knew where it was, so I walked towards it. It was already very dark outside, and I had to concentrate quite hard to see where I was going. There were some street lamps, which provided quite a lot of light. But they didn’t cover everywhere, so there were lots of dark patches. I always walk more quickly through those parts, just in case.
Only just then I remembered that I didn’t even change into my dress! I had it in my bag, but I forgot to even put it on. I was so annoyed. I was only wearing my lame clothes. I figured I didn’t have any choice, I would have to get changed just out on the street. I sort of found a spot that was a bit hidden, kind of next to a fence. I quickly took off my top and skirt. I felt pretty crazy for a second, being outside in only my underwear. But then I got my dress on very quickly. I can do that stuff very fast, when I try. Then I kept walking.
Even when I wasn’t even at the house yet, I could already hear some loud music. I assumed it was coming from Lily’s party. There always seems to be a lot of loud music and loud shouting at parties. I haven’t been to too many parties before, but I’ve been to some. I don’t know why it’s always so loud. If I ever had a party, I would make it a quiet one. I’d make it so you were only allowed to come if you weren’t going to yell at everyone and make a lot of noise. But I’ve never had a party. Not a real one, anyway. My mother never let me; she was always too worried about bad things happening. But thankfully I don’t live at home any more. I went flatting because it was becoming too hard to function with her around.
I found number nineteen, which was Lily’s house. There was a lot of noise and light and music coming from inside. It was a very expensive looking house. She lived in a very nice neighbourhood. It was up this big driveway that curved to the right. There were two long decks on different levels of the house, and I could see a lot of people outside drinking and talking. I decided that I would go in, and if I couldn’t find Penny within two minutes, that I would just leave. I didn’t want to get stuck with a big bunch of drunk people that I didn’t know.
I walked up the driveway and toward the door. It was this huge wooden double door, with these big bronze handles. About four of my doors could have fit into that one door. It looked so big and heavy, I wondered if I would even be strong enough to open it. I’m not even sure why someone needs a door that big. I guess maybe if you have big furniture in your house, you need to be able to fit it through. But I never saw any furniture that big before.
I knocked, but nobody answered. I even stood there for more than a minute, and still no one came. I suppose I didn’t knock too hard, because my hand isn’t that tough. And the music was quite loud, so probably Lily couldn’t even hear me. I knocked again, harder this time. The door was made of this very hard wood, and it kind of hurt my hand a little bit. I waited around, but still nobody came. I was thinking about maybe leaving, when I heard these two girls come up behind me. They were dressed in these very flashy-looking white dresses. They both had on red lipstick and black shoes. They l
ooked kind of like the same person, they even both had gold bracelets on the same arm. Except they had different colour hair. They slowed down and looked at me. It was a bit awkward. They both just mostly stared at me.
“Are you going in?” one of the girls said to me. I meant to tell them that nobody was answering the door, but for some reason, I couldn’t seem to talk very well just then. I just pointed at the door, without saying anything. They both looked at each other when I did that.
I thought then that they both looked kind of horrible. Kind of bitchy. Then they just walked past me. One of the girls turned the doorknob and opened the door. There was this big blast of noise that came out and I saw a whole lot of people inside. They both went in, and they started laughing, and one of them looked back at me and shut the door. I felt very embarrassed.
I just about ran away right then. My face felt very hot and there was that rushing sound in my head again, blocking everything out, even louder than the party. But then someone opened the door. It was Penny. She was wearing this very nice knee-length navy blue dress and a silver necklace with a little acorn on the end. I thought she looked very pretty.
“I thought I saw you out there,” she said.
