Until You

by Penelope Douglas

  Noise. Space. Distraction.

  Slouching in my seat, I stretched out my legs and crossed my ankles. Picking up my pen, I pressed my pen onto my notebook paper and started drawing three dimensional cubes.

  “I like storms,” I heard her start, but I kept my eyes trained on the lines I drew. “Thunder, torrential rain, puddles, wet shoes. When the clouds roll in, I get filled with this giddy expectation.”

  I pinched my eyebrows together. Tate loved the rain.

  “Everything is more beautiful in the rain. Don’t ask me why.” She sounded light and natural, like she was speaking to a friend. “But it’s like this whole other realm of opportunity. I used to feel like a superhero, riding my bike over the dangerously slick roads, or maybe an Olympic athlete enduring rough trials to make it to the finish line.”

  She paused, and I lifted my pen, realizing I’d been outlining the same box over and over again.

  “On sunny days, as a girl, I could still wake up to that thrilled feeling. You made me giddy with expectation, just like a symphonic rainstorm. You were a tempest in the sun, the thunder in a boring, cloudless sky.”

  Suspicion inched its way under my skin, and my breathing got shallow.

  This wasn’t a monologue.

  She continued, “I remember I’d shovel in my breakfast as fast as I could, so I could go knock on your door. We’d play all day, only coming home for food and sleep. We played hide and seek, you’d push me on the swing, or we’d climb trees.”

  I couldn’t help it. My eyes snapped up to meet hers, and my fucking heart…it was like she was reaching out and squeezing it in her hand.

  Tate.

  Was she speaking to me?

  “Being your sidekick gave me a sense of home again.” Her eyes were locked with mine. “You see, when I was ten, my mom died. She had cancer, and I lost her before I really knew her. My world felt so insecure, and I was scared. You were the person that turned things right again. With you, I became courageous and free. It was like the part of me that died with my mom came back when I met you, and I didn’t hurt anymore. Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.”

  I couldn’t catch my fucking breath. Why was she doing this? I meant nothing to her.

  “Then one day, out of the blue, I lost you, too. The hurt returned, and I felt sick when I saw you hating me. My rainstorm was gone, and you became cruel. There was no explanation. You were just gone. And my heart was ripped open. I missed you. I missed my mom.”

  A tear fell down her cheek as I felt my own throat tighten.

  She was looking at me like she used to, like I was everything.

  Piles and piles of fucking shit swirled through my mind as I watched her.

  All the crap I’d done to prove that I was strong. To prove that I didn’t need someone that didn’t want me. I swallowed, trying to calm the pounding in my chest.

  Had she loved me?

  No.

  She was lying. She had to be.

  “What was worse than losing you was when you started to hurt me. Your words and actions made me hate coming to school. They made me uncomfortable in my own home.”

  Her eyes pooled with more tears, and I wanted to break shit.

  She was hurting. I was fucking miserable. And for what?

  “Everything still hurts, but I know none of it is my fault,” she continued and thinned out her lips in a hard line. “There are a lot of words that I could use to describe you, but the only one that includes sad, angry, miserable, and pitiful is “coward.” In a year, I’ll be gone, and you’ll be nothing but some washout whose height of existence was in high school.” Her eyes zoned in on me again, and her voice grew strong. “You were my tempest, my thunder cloud, my tree in the downpour. I loved all of those things, and I loved you. But now…you’re a fucking drought. I thought that all the assholes drove German cars, but it turns out that pricks in Mustangs can still leave scars.”

  My hands balled up, and I felt like I was crammed into a tight space, looking for a way out.

  I barely registered the class clapping for her—no—cheering for her. Everyone thought her “performance” was great. I didn’t know what the hell to make of it.

  She acted like she cared about me. Her words told me she remembered everything that used to be good between us. But the ending…it was like a goodbye.

  She bowed, her hair falling around her with her dip, and she smiled a sad smile. Like she felt good but guilty that she felt good.

  The distant cry of the school bell sounded, and I moved out of my seat, past her desk where she’d sat back down, and out of the room feeling like I was in a damn tunnel. People scurried around me, giving Tate congratulations on a job well done, and going about their business as if my world wasn’t crumbling.

  Everything was white noise around me. The only sound that filled my ears was my own heartbeat as I walked in a daze into the hallway.

  I pressed my forehead into the cool, tiled wall across from Penley’s classroom and closed my eyes.

  What that hell had she just done to me in there?

  I could barely breathe. I tried forcing air into my lungs.

  No, no…

  Fuck this.

  She was lying. It was all an act.

  All I’d wanted when I was fourteen was her. And she hadn’t been thinking about me when I was screaming for her. She didn’t miss me while I was at my father’s that summer. She didn’t want me then, and she didn’t want me now.

  The day I got back, I’d needed her so goddamn much, and she hadn’t given me one fucking thought.

  Goddammit, Tate. Don’t do this. Don’t fuck with my head.

  Jesus, I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore. I wanted to leave her alone. I wanted to forget her. But then I didn’t.

  Maybe I just wanted to hold her and breathe her in until I could remember who I was.

  But I couldn’t. I needed to hate Tate. I needed to hate her, because if I didn’t have a place to sink all of my energy, then I’d spin out again. My father would have me, and I wouldn’t have her to zone in on.

  “See ya, Jared.”

  I twisted around and blinked. Ben had called out to me, and she was with him.

  She was looking at me like I was nothing. Like I wasn’t the focus of her life when she was the focus of everything in mine.

  I stuck my fists into the pocket of my hoodie so they wouldn’t see me clenching them. It was kind of a natural thing for me to do now when I was in public. To keep my temper in check so that no one would notice what was boiling underneath.

  My teeth ground together. She couldn’t hurt me.

  But the air coming out of my nose was heating up as I watched them fade away down the hall.

  She was leaving with him.

  She’d just handed me my ass in that classroom.

  She was surviving me.

  And I clenched my fists tighter until the bones in my fingers ached.

  “Give me a ride?”

  My jaw instantly hardened as frustration threatened to boil over into rage.

  I didn’t even have to turn around to know it was Piper.

  She was the last thing on my mind these days, and I wished she’d take the hint and back off.

  But then I remembered that she was good for one thing.

  “Don’t talk.” I spun around and grabbed her hand without even looking at her and dragged her to the nearest bathroom. I needed to burn off frustration and Piper knew the score. She was like water. She assumed the shape of whatever container held her. She didn’t challenge me or make demands. She was just there for the taking.

  It was after school. The place was empty as I barged into a stall, sat down on a seat and brought her down on top of me. She giggled I think, but to be honest, I didn’t fucking care who she was, where I was, or that anyone could walk in on us. I needed to dive deep. So deep into a cave that I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts. That I couldn’t even see her blonde hair and blue eyes in my head.

  Tate.

&nb
sp; I ripped off Piper’s little pink cardigan and attacked her mouth. It didn’t feel good. It wasn’t meant to. This wasn’t about me getting off. It was about me getting even.

  I grabbed the straps of her tank top and pulled them down her arms, her bra coming with it, until everything sat at her waist. Her chest was free for me, and I dived in as she moaned.

  Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.

  I was trying to run from Tate, but she was catching up with me. I pulled Piper harder against me and inhaled her skin, wanting her to be someone else.

  I felt sick when I saw you hating me.

  My heart still thumped like it no longer wanted a home in my body, and I couldn’t calm down. What the fuck?

  Piper leaned back and started grinding on me, and my hands were everywhere, trying to find the escape. Trying to find my control.

  And my heart was ripped open. I missed you.

  I gripped Piper’s ass and attacked her neck. She moaned again and said some shit, but I couldn’t hear it. There was only one voice in my head that no amount of Piper or any other girl was going to drown out.

  I loved all of those things, and I loved you.

  And then I stopped.

  All the air had left me.

  Tate had loved me.

  I didn’t know if it was the look in her tear-filled eyes or the tone of her voice, or maybe the fact that I knew her almost as good as anyone. But I knew she’d told the truth.

  She had loved me.

  “What’s the matter, baby?” Piper had her arms around my neck, but I couldn’t look at her. I just sat there, fucking breathing into her chest, trying to delude myself for even a few seconds that it was Tate I was holding.

  “Jared. What’s with you? You’ve been acting weird ever since the school year started.” Her whiny-ass fucking voice. Why didn’t people ever know when to shut up?

  I ran my hands over my face. “Just get up. I’ll take you home,” I bit out.

  “I don’t want to go home. You’ve been ignoring me for a month. Over a month, actually!” She pulled her shirt and sweater back on, but she still wasn’t moving.

  I took a deep breath and tried to swallow down the nerves exploding in my stomach.

  “You want a ride or not?” I said, pinning her with a look that said ‘take it or leave it.’ Piper knew better than to ask questions. I didn’t tell Madoc shit, and I wasn’t going to start with this girl.

  By the time I got home, my mood had gone from bad to worse. After dropping Piper off, I just drove. I needed to listen to some music, clear my head and try to get rid of this ache in my chest.

  I wanted to blame Tate. Turn a blind eye like I always did when she was hurting.

  But I couldn’t. Not this time.

  There wasn’t going to be any running from the truth. No diving into a party or a girl to distract myself.

  The truth was…I wish I could go back to that day in the park. Back to the fish pond when I’d first decided that she needed to hurt. I would’ve done it differently.

  Instead of pushing her away, I would’ve buried my face in her hair and let her bring me back from wherever I’d gone. She wouldn’t have had to say or do anything. Just fill my world.

  But my anger ran deeper than my love for her that day, and right now, I couldn’t face what I’d done. I couldn’t face that she hated me, that my mother barely wanted anything to do with me, and that my father spent every Saturday reminding me of what a loser I was.

  Fuck it. Fuck them all.

  I walked into my house, slammed the door and threw my keys across the room. The place was as quiet as a church, except for Madman’s paws scurrying across the floor.

  He started clawing at my jeans and whimpering for attention.

  “Not now, buddy,” I snipped and walked into the kitchen. Madman couldn’t calm me down, and I wanted to hit something. As I yanked open the refrigerator, I noticed that my mother had left a note stuck to the door.

  Off for the night. Order a pizza. Love you!

  And I slammed the door closed again. Always fucking gone.

  I gripped both sides of the refrigerator and pressed my head into the stainless steel. It didn’t matter, I told myself. Everything was okay. I had shitty parents, but who didn’t? I’d pushed Tate away, but there were other girls out there. I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do with my life, but I was only eighteen—or almost eighteen.

  Everything. Was. Fine.

  I gripped the sides harder, willing myself to believe the lie.

  And then I saw myself, alone in a kitchen, and holding a refrigerator. Telling myself that my life was good.

  Fuck.

  I started pounding the steel doors. Every muscle in my body felt choked as I slammed my palm against the appliance again and again. Madman yelped and scurried away.

  All the shit my mom had sitting up on top turned over or shattered to the ground, and I just kept going. Using both hands to slam it time and again against the wall.

  Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.

  She was fucking with my head. Why couldn’t I just forget her?

  I stopped, my shoulders slumped, forcing air in and out of my lungs, but it was never enough. I turned around to head up the stairs. If my mom was gone for the night, then there was no harm in bringing out the Jack. Since she was an alcoholic, I kept that shit hidden. But tonight I needed a way out. I couldn’t stomach the hurt. I couldn’t deal, and I needed to be numb.

  On my way up the stairs, I noticed that the front door was open.

  Shit.

  It must not have latched when I’d slammed it before. And Madman got out, no doubt.

  I kicked the door shut. Hard.

  Fucking awesome. Even the dog had left.

  Once in my room, I went to the stash Madoc and I skimmed from his father and pulled out a bottle.

  Flinging off my hoodie and shirt, I kicked off my boots and unscrewed the bottle, swallowing massive gulps to drown out her voice in my head.

  But walking over to my window, I instantly stilled.

  There she was.

  Dancing.

  Closing her eyes and jumping around.

  An image of her in a purple nightgown came to mind, but I couldn’t place it.

  She looked ridiculous and couldn’t dance any better than me. I almost laughed when she threw the devil ears up in the air and screamed along to the music. My chest swelled with the urge to hold her.

  And right then and there, I wanted her back.

  But what the hell was I going to say to her? I couldn’t tell her everything.

  Not everything.

  I brought the bottle back up to my lips, closed my eyes, and forced the bile back down my throat.

  There was nothing to say. The guy she knew when we were fourteen was gone. My parents had left me. She’d left me.

  I was on my own just like that cocksucker said I’d be.

  The stinging nip of hatred and hell crawled its way up my neck and into my head until my nerves burned so badly that I wanted to rip off my skin just to breathe.

  I launched the bottle across the room where it slammed against the wall before spilling to the floor.

  Goddammit!

  Leaving the room and charging down the stairs, I went fucking crazy. I kicked over chairs, smashed pictures, and went to bat with some pottery and crystal. I shattered everything, swinging the fire poker at everything and anything. Every picture that my mother had of me smiling and every fucking figurine that gave the impression that we were a happy household was destroyed. In two hours, the house was ripped apart from top to bottom as I got lost and exhausted.

  When all was done, the house was a disaster, and I was covered in sweat.

  But I was as high as a kite. Nobody could hurt me if I could hurt them.

  Blissfully numb and calm, I parked myself outside on the back porch with another bottle of Jack from my supply and let the rain cool me down. I didn’t know how long I was out there, but I was finally breathing and th
at felt good. There’s something to be said for acting like a five-year-old and breaking some shit. Control had finally settled over me again, and I just sat there and drank, soaking up the quiet in my head.

  “Jared?”

  I twisted my head and immediately lost my breath. Tate? Aw, Jesus Christ. No, no, no…

  She was here? And in fucking shorts and a tank top?

  I turned back around, hoping she’d go away. I didn’t want to lose my shit with her. Or do anything stupid. I’d finally calmed down, but my head was nowhere near straight enough to deal with her right now.

  “Jared, the dog was barking outside. I rang the doorbell. Didn’t you hear it?”

  Damn, she was so close. I could feel the pull. I wanted to get closer. To sink into her arms until I couldn’t even remember yesterday.

  She walked around in front of me, into the rain, and my fingers tingled. They wanted her.

  I glanced up, only for a moment, unable to resist the pull.

  Jesus Fucking Christ. She was drenched. And I looked down again, knowing what I would do if I kept looking. Her wet shirt stuck to her body, but she tried to hide it by crossing her arms. Her legs glistened with the water dripping down, and her shorts clung to her toned, wet thighs.

  “Jared? Would you answer me?” she yelled. “The house is trashed.”

  I tried looking at her again. Why? Who the fuck knows? Every time I saw her, I wanted to bury my heart and body inside of her.

  “The dog ran away,” I choked out. What the hell?

  “So you threw a temper tantrum? Does your mom know you did that to the house?”

  And that’s when the wall went back up. My mother. Tate looking at me like I couldn’t control myself. Like I was weak.

  I didn’t want to hurt her anymore, but I wasn’t letting her in, either.

  “What do you care? I’m nothing, right? A loser? My parents hate me. Weren’t those your words?” Yes, this was easier. Just push back.

  She closed her eyes, looking embarrassed. “Jared, I should never have said those things. No matter what you’ve—”

  “Don’t apologize,” I interrupted, swaying as I stood up to hover over her. “Groveling makes you look pathetic.”