Can I Give My Husband Back?: A totally laugh out loud and uplifting page turner

by Kristen Bailey

  ‘I just saw him actually on my way here.’

  Her shoulders are raised in anticipation.

  ‘You told him I like hummus.’

  ‘You bloody love hummus. I’ve seen you down a whole pot of it before.’

  ‘Well, he bought me hummus.’

  ‘Good boy. I like a man who knows how to take instruction.’

  ‘And you are right, he is fab.’

  She claps enthusiastically. I am conscious that now is probably not the time to also reveal that barely twenty-four hours later I slept with Stuart Morton. I open up my salad and pick on bits of cucumber as she pats herself on the back.

  ‘I guess he told you about our road trip?’ I enquire.

  ‘He did. And I’m glad to hear Meg is alright. Do you want to know what he said?’

  ‘Yes, unless it’s awful.’

  ‘It’s not. He’s totally intimidated by how amazing you are.’

  That word again, amazing. It’s lovely to hear but I’m not sure how much I believe it myself.

  ‘That’s not good, if he’s scared of me?’

  ‘No, I just think he always thought you were pretty untouchable but now he’s spent some time with you and seen how down-to-earth you are and he’s blown away by that.’

  ‘I guess that’s good? I take it you told him not to talk about my divorce…’

  She nods and tucks into her sandwich. Through mouths of cheese and pickle, she continues, ‘I just didn’t want it to hang over you guys.’

  I’m grateful. I know what she was trying to do.

  ‘It nearly did though. Literally an hour before the date, Violet divulged that Simon’s seeing someone.’

  Maddie gurns. ‘Really? Damn that man.’

  ‘I mean he’s allowed but the timing was off. Lucy has stalked her on Facebook; I’ve tried to not let it be a thing. We’re divorced, he can date who he wants. Just a surprise to hear it from our daughter.’

  ‘She’s met the girls?’

  I nod. She sucks some air in through her teeth.

  ‘Name?’

  ‘Susie Hunter.’

  As soon as I say the name, she goes quiet. That’s the thing about Maddie; she was there for all those years I tried to hide behind my sham of a marriage. She used to signpost incidents for me, willing for me to catch him and have the courage to finally confront him and leave. But I pretended to not see them. I’d change the subject and talk about my girls and she’d relent and realise that if I was ever going to leave him then I needed to do that on my own terms. Now, there’s a look that says she can’t hide what she knows. She knows who Susie Hunter is and I need to decide whether I need to know. I place half a boiled egg in my mouth. Not now, Maddie, not now. I open a file and change the subject before she has a chance to speak.

  ‘I most likely will go on a second date with Jag though, so if you have any ideas then they would be most welcome.’

  ‘Can you ice skate?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What about a salsa dancing workshop?’

  ‘Again, no.’

  ‘Didn’t I tell you he had nice skin?’

  ‘It’s genetics apparently. All inherited from his mum and he scrubs before every shave.’

  ‘So… what did Lucy find out about Susie Hunter?’

  I cast her a look. A lot has happened this week and I can’t process anything too serious at the moment. I really can’t. But she almost looks angry with me. You went through the worst, Emma. And you are here and you can handle anything. She thinks that the hardest thing was leaving him and moving on, deciding I wasn’t going to stand for it any longer. She doesn’t want me to skirt these issues again, like I did for so long.

  ‘She’s a nurse. She’s blonde. Not a shock that Simon would go hunting within a hospital for his next prey.’

  Maddie looks pensive. ‘If it’s the same Susie I know then she works next door at St Thomas’.’

  I shrug my shoulders.

  ‘And I think she might be pregnant.’

  ‘Pregnant?’

  I freeze. With a child? That’s not even a new girlfriend or a new shag situation. That is a step-sibling in the making, a change of dynamic, a whole other group of people in my children’s lives and thus in mine. I am still chewing the boiled egg that was in my mouth and the yolk tastes like balls of chalk cementing to my gums. Maddie hugs me.

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want to upset you. I just don’t want to hide things from you either. It could be a different Susie completely. I just saw something on Facebook and it rang a bell.’

  I can’t be angry with Maddie but I am silent. Simon and I are still stuck in the land of post-divorce games and despite my full body armour, this just feels like he’s struck an arrow at me from a tremendous height. No warning. Nothing.

  ‘And you have Jag now? And he’s lovely. And… this could just repair all the damage that man did.’

  ‘I’ve been on one date, Maddie. I don’t know half of what I need to know about this man.’

  ‘Is that important?’

  ‘Yes. He could be a sociopath. He could have loans or webbed feet or questionable hygiene habits.’

  Maddie looks confused. ‘You have a new man checklist now?’

  ‘There is no harm in being thorough.’

  ‘Webbed feet would make him an amazing swimmer though.’

  I laugh to mask my turmoil. Pregnant? Really? I see her go into stalk mode on her phone to check but her face tells me everything. My phone ringing interrupts her trying to launch into damage control. I’m not sad. I’m not emotional. I’m just confused. Lucy. I put her on speaker, glad for the interruption.

  ‘Are you still on that bus?’

  ‘Christ, no. We walked that last bit as Iris needed a wee. Girls are with their father.’

  Her tone is frantic and worried. It’s not normally how Lucy sounds so alarm bells ring.

  ‘Luce, the girls… was everything OK? Did Simon kick off? Was he awful?’

  ‘No but… are you en route? When will you get home?’

  ‘Not for a while…’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Luce, you’re worrying me.’

  There’s a silence and I can hear her go to the next room. She whispers down the phone. ‘There’s a kid here, I thought he was one of the girls’ friends from school or a neighbour but he’s on his own.’

  ‘Kid?’

  ‘Like I didn’t know what to do. He’s upset but he was so tiny, I couldn’t just leave him on the doorstep?’

  ‘Lucy, talk slower. Is he conscious? Is he hurt?’

  Maddie stands up and runs to my office phone.

  ‘His name is Lewis. Do you know him? He says he needs a doctor.’

  Nine

  We’re sat in Maddie’s rusting Renault Clio trying to work out the best way to beat the South Circular. In my hands are files and numbers and Lucy on speaker. Lewis is at my house? On his own? He’s seven. If he’s upset and at my actual house then all manner of things could be going wrong. He could be hurt or need medical attention. And he’s with my sister who I know is a hazard when it comes to emergencies. She’s clumsy and reckless and without any first aid certification to her name. Maddie has called the police and his parents and sent them over to investigate while we peg it down there as quickly as we can. I say quickly, I forget that Maddie also drives like she’s taking part in Le Mans. I’m a little worried that she doesn’t seem to know what her indicators are for.

  ‘Luce, are you still there?’

  ‘Yes. We’re having a cup of squash. I’m making some toast.’

  ‘That’s OK but is his skin a funny colour? Is he short of breath?’

  Lucy’s voice drops to a whisper. ‘What? Is the little bugger dying?’

  ‘No, and don’t call him a bugger… Maybe take his pulse?’

  ‘That’s in his wrist, right?’ She switches voices. ‘What would you like on your toast, sweetie?’

  ‘Just keep him safe and warm and occupied, keep your phone on so
we can hear everything.’

  The phone goes quiet.

  ‘Wasn’t he in recently? Was he OK?’ asks Maddie.

  ‘Episodes of SVT, we put him on beta blockers. He was fine.’

  Maddie sees the worry in my face. Had I missed something? It wasn’t hard. I should have looked closer at the ultrasound. Why isn’t he in a hospital? Where are his parents? Are they hurt? Maddie switches lanes and I grab onto everything on my lap and reach out to steady myself on the dashboard.

  ‘Who taught you to drive you absolute tool?’ she shouts out.

  I can hear the light patter of conversation on my phone in the background. She’s all over the place is Lucy but she’s warm and I can imagine she would have seen Lewis on my doorstep and not hesitated for a second in getting him through the door.

  ‘Who lets a seven-year-old out of their sight? How does he know where you live?’ says Maddie.

  I am silent. Given the gravity of my work I’d always maintained a much-needed professional distance when it came to my patients but one Christmas I remember I gave the family my address so he could post me a card he’d made for me. He’d drawn me a bear in a hat. I don’t divulge this to Maddie for fear of being told off.

  I hear Lucy’s laughter at the end of the phone. ‘You are mental! Blackcurrant squash whips orange squash’s ass!’

  Maddie and I pause to take that in. Language, Lucy. And if you were a real parent you’d know you try and avoid the blackcurrant as it stains like a bastard. Just keep him talking.

  I think back to two years ago when my daughters would have been at home with an au pair who spoke broken English and who wouldn’t have known what to do with a random child showing up at the door. Worse, Simon may have been in and probably would have sent him away with twenty pence and a firm handshake. And then what would he have done, this poor kid, on his own? It doesn’t bear thinking about.

  ‘I love Billie Eilish,’ Lucy says.

  ‘Who is he?’ I ask Maddie.

  Maddie glances over. ‘Billie is a girl. She’s a pop singer.’

  ‘Do you want anything else to eat? I have breadsticks? Vodka?’

  ‘LUCY! LUCY! Don’t give him alcohol!’

  Maddie giggles overtaking a bus and almost ploughs into a Range Rover. We’re two minutes away but less with the way she’s driving. She thinks Lucy is joking about the alcohol but no doubt she’s doing the shots herself. Don’t get drunk with a minor in the house, dear sister. And that kid can’t even have caffeine, his heart is that fragile. I think about his heart. I’ve held it my hands. He was born without all the things that help link it up and keep it beating. Oh, Lewis. Please be OK. Maddie screeches to a halt in front of my house and I jump out of the car, scrambling to get up the steps and my keys in the door.

  ‘LUCY! LUCY! It’s me! Where are you?’

  I jog through the hallway, frantically opening doors and scanning the rooms. I see Lucy’s hand behind my kitchen island rise slowly. I go over and the both of them are sat on the floor, Lucy’s giant headphones nestled in his mop of curls. He has his head resting on her shoulder. I hope she’s not playing him inappropriate gangsta rap. He catches me standing there and I put a hand up to wave to him. He jumps up at seeing me. Lucy looks confused. I get down to his level.

  ‘Lewis, why are you here? Are you OK? Are you hurt?’

  ‘I’m OK, Doctor C.’

  I give him the once over. Maddie bursts through the door with my kit and a portable defibrillator, the police now hovering in my hallway.

  ‘You had us worried?’ There is a look in his eyes that I can’t quite read. ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘Mum and Dad are getting divorced.’ I feel his words in my own heart as he says them, lip trembling. ‘I didn’t know what to do.’

  He twists his lips, holding back the tears, and throws his arms around me. I have no choice but to hug him back.

  Ten minutes later, we’ve put Lewis in an oversized hoodie and placated him with some chocolate shortbread until his parents get here. He studies my living room, his attention drawn to the picture of my girls on the mantelpiece and my tropical wallpaper, which I’ll take as his mark of approval. He’s taken a shine to Lucy who sits in with us.

  ‘How did you get here? You live in Lewisham?’

  ‘I used my pocket money and got an Uber?’

  Lucy laughs at his sheer initiative.

  ‘I used my dad’s app and a man called Roy picked me up. I told him I was going to see my gran.’

  ‘Roy could have been a bad person,’ I tell him.

  ‘He wasn’t. He has grandkids and a labradoodle called Noodle. It rhymed.’

  He sits there quietly knowing he’s done wrong but I veer on that line of not knowing if I should be telling him off. I may leave that to the policeman chatting to Maddie in the kitchen. Or his parents. I doubt Iris or Violet would have the courage or know-how to pull a stunt like this but if they did, I’d be brimming with anger and disbelief.

  ‘When did your mum and dad tell you then… about the divorce?’

  ‘Yesterday. We were having dinner.’

  ‘Oh,’ I put my hand into his.

  ‘It’s why I’m here,’ he says.

  I am taken aback. He wants to move in? He wants advice?

  ‘You’re a doctor, you fix things. Maybe you could fix this.’

  Lucy sighs and sticks out her bottom lip. I take my other hand and sandwich his in the middle. Oh, little man. I couldn’t even fix my own marriage. He looks up at me, hopeful and so innocent. I was there when we attached a mechanical valve to the inside of your heart to keep it beating but this isn’t in my skill set I’m afraid.

  ‘Do you remember what I said in your last appointment about me changing my name?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s because I’m also divorced.’

  His eyes widen. I guess all children assume families exist in some 2.4 traditional form. He looks over at the photo on the mantelpiece.

  ‘Was he your husband?’

  ‘He was. His name is Simon.’

  ‘What’s he like?’

  I lightly grind my foot into Lucy’s to stop her from talking.

  ‘He’s also a doctor.’

  ‘Not as good as my sister, obviously,’ Lucy interjects.

  ‘And those are my girls, Iris and Violet.’

  He looks at their pictures. ‘How does it work, divorce? Do they still see their daddy?’

  ‘All the time. They’re with him now. We share them.’ I’ve realised I’ve made my kids sound like a bag of crisps. ‘Your mum and dad will work something out and I’m sure you’ll see both of them, all the time. They are good people and they love you very much.’

  ‘But you’re a good person too.’

  Lucy snuggles up to me to confirm this very fact.

  ‘And I know it feels sad now but you’re one of the brightest kids I know. Just talk to your mum and dad about how you feel. Divorce isn’t easy at first but you just get used to it.’

  ‘Like new pants?’

  I scrunch my eyes up in confusion.

  Lucy high fives him. ‘Yes, like when you wear new pants, Ems… they’re all uncomfortable and get wedged up your crack and then you get used to them,’ Lucy adds, backing him up.

  ‘Yes, just like that,’ I say, unconvinced.

  ‘I like your house, Doctor C.’

  ‘I’m glad. Next time though, might be best to just call my secretary. We could have done this on the phone.’

  ‘But then he’d never have met me…’ Lucy adds, winking at him.

  He smiles and comes over to hug me again, just as I hear two people burst through the door to steal him away from me.

  ‘Oh my god, Lewis. You’re safe, you’re OK. Are you OK?’ His dad grabs him tightly whilst Mum comes over to squeeze me in relief.

  ‘We were out, my sister was babysitting, he was supposed to be asleep but he slipped out of the house and then his dad realised he didn’t have his phone and then your sec
retary called and the police and…’ Her face is flushed from tears and panic.

  ‘He’s fine,’ I say trying to calm her down. ‘He found his way here and you can thank my sister, she took him in.’ Her hugs transfer over to a shocked Lucy.

  ‘Lewis, you can’t do that. You can’t. If anything happened to you…’

  He stares at both of them, not the normally verbose and confident child I see but pensive about what to say next. I know why. He looks up at me.

  ‘I think Lewis was confused by what you told him yesterday. He came here because he thought that I could help fix it, being a doctor.’

  Both of them are quiet. The last thing I wanted to do is shame them but their guilt and emotion is palpable. Lewis’ mum starts to tear up. I put an arm around her.

  ‘And so Lewis and I had a chat about my divorce. A brief one.’

  ‘It’s like new pants,’ says Lewis.

  I put my hand up to signal that I didn’t come up with that analogy. His dad laughs, scooping him up and inhaling him closely. ‘You can’t run away, kid. You just can’t do that. Mum nearly had a heart attack.’

  ‘And it’s my job to have the heart attacks,’ he says trying to diffuse their sadness. We all laugh despite it being the horribly sad truth.

  ‘We can talk at home. We can answer all your questions and we can try and work this out so it’s not a bad thing,’ says his dad.

  He nods quietly to take it all in, leaning over to wipe the tears off his mum’s face.

  ‘Hun, I need to call my sister and your parents – everyone’s beside themselves. I…’ Lewis’ mum turns to me. ‘We don’t know what to say…’

  ‘Get him home,’ I say. ‘He’s been on quite the adventure.’

  Lewis smiles and nods. His dad puts a hand to my shoulder, ‘Doctor C. How do we thank you?’

  ‘I’ll take another octopus picture?’

  ‘An octopus in pants maybe?’ says Lucy.

  Lewis climbs down from his dad to come over and hug us again.

  ‘Your husband was stupid to divorce you. You’re one of my favourite people.’

  We all stop for a moment to take that in. Don’t change, little one. I hope this doesn’t change him.