Can I Give My Husband Back?: A totally laugh out loud and uplifting page turner

by Kristen Bailey

  ‘You are?’

  ‘Miss Callaghan,’ I reply pointedly in Simon’s direction. He is quiet.

  ‘Your mother is doing well, she’ll come up from recovery in a while.’

  ‘Did you have to go in cranially?’ I ask.

  The young surgeon shakes his head. ‘It was a minor attack. We weren’t worried. Small procedure and drugs should do the rest.’

  I nod as he says it. ‘Thank you for your efforts.’

  He takes his leave and I watch as Simon collapses to a chair. He exhales, sighing with relief. I am relieved too but also still hurting from him trying to kiss me, attempting to give our marriage another bash. Let’s resurrect something that was very, very dead and wear it again like an ugly hat. But I watch him and it’s comforting to know that my heart isn’t completely dead. I am here. I don’t want him. But I do care about what happens to him. I need him to be around for our daughters and for this to function in some bearable type of arrangement.

  ‘I might go, Simon.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Home. Your mum is alright. You’ll be OK?’

  ‘Will I?’

  ‘I don’t want to be here when they bring her up but call me if you need anything?’

  ‘Seriously?’

  I shrug and grab my bag.

  ‘Emma… I’m sorry.’

  ‘Twice in one evening. I feel spoiled.’

  He laughs. I put a hand to his arm.

  ‘Try not to worry too much. I’m working tomorrow but I can drop by with things if you need them. If you have to spend some time here and it’s hard to juggle the girls then let me know, but in the meanwhile, I’ll see you next… in the week?’

  He nods in reply.

  Nineteen

  710 days since Lucy called Simon an embarrassment to all men, everywhere

  ‘I bought wine. Was I supposed to bring wine? At our school, we’re told to bring our own.’

  Maddie hasn’t just brought wine, she’s bought three bottles, hiding them in her handbag exceptionally well.

  ‘Meg said that up north they had mulled wine and it made the parents turn on each other, they had to call the police,’ replies Beth.

  ‘That’s the sort of school you want to send your kids too, eh?’ Maddie replies.

  It’s the annual St Catherine’s Christmas Quiz night where I was duped into buying tickets by my eight-year-old daughter, handing over money thinking it was for the raffle instead. So I called in the troops and before me sits a strange array of people that may either just use this opportunity to get absolutely hammered or take everyone down in this room with their general knowledge. We won’t need Maddie’s wine as my ticket money has already paid for a couple of bottles, pizza and some decent pens. You know you’re in a school with money when you get a fancy rollerball and some red onion and goat’s cheese on a sourdough base.

  ‘Who has the best handwriting then?’ asks Jag, presiding over the stationery. I smile because this is also a date and an important one as Jag gets to be in the vicinity of my sisters, who hopefully won’t attack him with a bottle of alcohol this time. I give everything to Maddie whose shorthand is superb and watch as her Mark rolls up his sleeves, knowing he’s here to drink, answer questions and help us out with anything football related.

  ‘They won’t accept my quiz team name,’ pipes in a voice approaching the table.

  ‘Lucy, what did you tell them?’ I ask.

  ‘We Like To Come From Behind,’ she says sulkily. Jag blushes, Mark is in absolute hysterics. ‘Apparently, it needs to be Christmas-themed… anyway, I also found us a straggler.’

  Behind her stands Leo looking a little lost in a Christmas hat. I’ve not seen him since I heard that his wife was soon to be re-married and I reach over and give him a hug. I still can’t quite work out how this man is in shorts though in December.

  ‘I’m sorry to gatecrash. I was going to be on a team with some of the dads but then politics, and Faith is here with her new bloke and she’s not shy in letting people know.’

  ‘Mate, more the merrier, I’m Jag.’ Jag pulls up a chair while there are brief introductions and I do the right thing by pouring him a glass of wine.

  ‘I can’t believe she brought him here. He’s like a foetus, he’s so bloody young,’ says Leo.

  We all turn to glance at their table.

  ‘Don’t all look at once,’ says Maddie.

  We all turn back again. Leo sits there and half the table, who have no idea who he is, await the story.

  ‘That’s Faith, she’s my ex-wife and that is her fiancé, Brandon and he’s some online entrepreneur start-up kid who drives a Tesla and he’s completely plant-based, even his shoes, the children tell me.’

  Lucy puts a reassuring arm around him. I look at the body language closely to work out if they’re still at it.

  ‘I’m Leo. I’m old as balls. I like leather shoes and I drive a Skoda.’

  ‘Mate, I’m Mark. I drive a white van so please don’t worry yourself. I came up the drive to the school and they thought I was here doing a delivery.’

  ‘Kia,’ says Jag with his hand in the air. ‘Everyone laughs but the mileage I get is amazing.’

  Leo smiles faintly.

  ‘Specialist topic?’ I ask him.

  ‘Britpop.’ he replies.

  Beth high fives him. It’s a mixed bag around this table but at least we’ll be fun. I sit down next to Leo and encourage him to have a sip of wine.

  ‘Are you really OK?’ I ask him.

  ‘They’re getting married next year in Devon in some eco-sustainable bio dome thing. She’s plastering it all over social media, she’s having a fun old time letting me know every bloody detail. It just feels cruel. It feels rushed. But I have no say.’

  ‘Not even when it comes to your kids?’

  ‘She’s made that very clear. A child is going to be raising my children but it’s nothing to do with me.’

  ‘How old is he?’

  ‘Twenty-six. He looks like he should be in a boy band.’

  Lucy looks over at him, scanning down from hair to shoes. ‘Wankers like that are usually shit in bed. Vegans usually are because they don’t understand meat.’ A bit of pizza shoots out of Jag’s mouth in laughter. ‘Come on, you,’ she adds, ‘we could have some fun and flirt all night? Not like we haven’t done it already. And I’m younger so I have him beat. I can get my boobs out?’

  I think all of us around the table blush at hearing that. Oh, Lucy. I feel the shame but also applaud the fact she wants to help. Leo shrugs. I guess he’s past caring. If it distracts the other teams so we win this quiz then I’m all for it.

  ‘Pizza for you, Miss Callaghan?’ Jag offers with a smile. I like having him here and I like how he fits into this dynamic so well. If we became a thing would he start coming to these school events with me? Our conversations mention the kids more now and we talk openly about my divorce and all those things we avoided before. He listens. I hold his hand under the table and give it a squeeze.

  ‘Oh, flaps.’ Beth who sits opposite me with a mouthful of pizza suddenly stops. Her eyes stare at someone who’s just entered the room behind me. I pause and turn to see who it is then quickly twist back. Lucy and Maddie see him too, their expressions horrified. Really?

  ‘Isn’t that…?’ asks Mark. Maddie gives him a swift elbow to the ribs.

  I need to tell Jag. Or not? But he senses the tension and turns around to see Simon stood there, right behind him. I haven’t seen my ex-husband since I walked out of his mother’s hospital room. To be honest, I am not entirely sure what happened that night but I made sure the girls wrote cards to their grandmother and we sent her flowers. That was the most time we’d ever spent talking honestly about our relationship. There was something about it that cleared some of the mud out of view. The problem was I hadn’t told anyone about it. When I left Beth that night to watch the girls, I told her there was a problem at the hospital. I was too worried about the fact that when that man ca
me crying to me, I was there for him. People wouldn’t have understood. Why is he here though? I certainly didn’t buy him a ticket.

  ‘Callaghans, Maddie…’

  ‘Simon,’ Maddie replies.

  Something clicks in Jag’s brain and he stands up. ‘Hi. I’m Jag.’

  Simon shakes his hand but is typically inattentive. Simon studies the people around the table.

  ‘Our team is full now,’ says Lucy bluntly.

  ‘Oh no, I was asked by Freya’s mum to join their team. I bumped into her at gymnastics and I thought why not? Good to give back to the school.’

  He looks me in the eye as he says it. We’re all dressed in casual festive partywear but he’s in a suit and that navy pea coat, straight from work, still wearing his ID to ensure everyone knows that he’s a doctor.

  ‘Where are our daughters?’ he asks.

  ‘They’re waiting in the car for us,’ adds Lucy, sarcastically. ‘They’re smoking skunk and getting tats from my mate, Tank.’

  She has a mate called Tank?

  ‘My mum has all the grandkids this evening,’ I reply, unsure why I have to explain this to him.

  ‘Jag is Emma’s boyfriend,’ adds Lucy. Jag widens his eyes. I am not sure that needed to be announced but so as not to make him feel too uncomfortable, I link arms with him. It’s worked. I can sense Simon’s discomfort.

  ‘Remember that quiz we did when we first joined the school, Emma? Between us we could name all the English counties. We were quite the dream team.’

  Simon said that out loud, didn’t he? It wasn’t just us. It was two school governors and another couple – he shagged the wife and they’ve since taken their kids out of the school because of it.

  ‘I believe I named all the counties because all you knew were Surrey, Hampshire and Kent,’ I reply.

  Lucy and Beth cackle behind me.

  ‘And what do you do Jag?’

  ‘I work at the Evelina.’

  ‘As a surgeon? I don’t believe we’ve crossed paths before?’

  ‘Not unless you’ve needed a paediatric anaesthetist?’

  ‘Oh.’ I immediately want to punch the man I divorced. Jag beats him on every level, from better facial hair down to his shoes. But Jag doesn’t seem threatened or bothered. I guess he knows enough about Simon to realise that he has little to be worried about.

  ‘Anyone got a ruler so Simon can actually measure the size of his cock this evening?’ asks Lucy.

  Maddie and Mark can’t hide their giggles. Beth pretends to root around in her handbag.

  ‘Oh, Lucy. Always good to see you keeping it classy.’

  ‘Someone has to…’

  ‘Oh… and I hear someone’s back on the singles market, Beth?’

  Beth sits there in shock. Lucy stands up from her chair looking territorial. ‘How is that any of your business?’ she asks.

  ‘The girls told me,’ Simon replies, deadpan, ‘such a shame with the little one being so young. What is his name, Jamie?’

  ‘Joe. You have a couple of sons, don’t you? Remind us of their names? Isn’t one of them named after my sister?’ adds Lucy.

  Oh, hell. My sisters are intent on throwing petrol on this bonfire tonight.

  ‘Yes. Well, good luck today, all. And Emma, I meant to thank you for coming to the hospital the other day when my mother was ill. For being there for me, it meant a lot.’

  There is a moment of silence as Lucy and Beth look over disapprovingly. You did what, big sister? I grab Jag’s arm a little tighter.

  ‘I did it for the girls, their grandmother. Not for you.’

  He replies with a shrug and a smirk before walking away to his table clutching a bottle of his favourite Rioja. All of our eyes follow him across that school hall.

  ‘You went to which hospital?’ asks Lucy.

  ‘When you were in Amsterdam and everyone came round for lunch, he rang and told me his mother collapsed, she had a stroke.’ I reply.

  ‘And you…?’ Maddie asks.

  ‘I went to him. Whatever’s happened between us, she was once my mother-in-law, she’s the girls’ grandmother.’

  There is silence as I rush through my explanation, embarrassed. Why is he here? He hated these school events and often told me he’d rather just write out a cheque to these people than have to spend time with them. He goes over to his table, air kisses everyone and shakes hands amidst roaring laughter and conversation. If looks could kill, our table would win that competition hands down.

  ‘We’re so ripping that team a new one, right?’ asks Mark.

  We all nod. There’s a little tap on the microphone.

  ‘Can the captain of the Ho Ho Hos make themselves known please?’

  Lucy puts her hand in the air.

  ‘Wrong book, that’s Sense and Sensibility,’ whispers Beth. Maddie crosses out the answer and scribbles in the right one but she’s had a fair bit to drink so her writing is off the chart. ‘I am certain of this. I taught it at A-level.’

  The joys of having an English teacher on the team whose knowledge of Austen goes beyond Colin Firth and Kate Winslet. Beth has killed the literature round whereas Leo nailed the music of Fleetwood Mac, Mark aced sports as predicted and Jag was king of world capitals. I have nailed the wine. I’m very drunk and I’m not sure why. It could be because Lucy is here and she has that unfortunate habit of topping up everyone’s glass when they’re not looking. This is evident from the bottles below our table which make us look like a recycling point. But I also drink to try and blot out the fact that Simon is here, making a spectacle of himself and trying to piss over this occasion for me. So far, he’s already bid £500 on a weekend break in someone’s cottage in Suffolk, gone to the stage to receive it and hug Mrs Buchanan. He’s taken off his tie, he’s loud and shouting out asides about the easiness of the questions. He’s tactile with Leo’s ex-wife and another woman on the table who I feel I should warn. Lucy has one leg draped over Leo and has occasionally flashed her knickers to the room so I worry for my reputation within these four walls. That said, she’s wearing knickers so it could be much worse. I down what’s left of my glass and glance casually over at their table.

  ‘Leo, how does Faith know Simon?’

  ‘Beats me. Knowing her she’s using him for his brains. That dad over there is an MP, that mum is a lawyer and I think she was on University Challenge ten years ago. A doctor just completes the group. She’s a cow and a competitive one at that.’

  I look at the blackboard on the stage where one of the secretaries has been keeping tally. Simon’s team is the Noel It Alls which speaks for itself but they’re in first place. We’re in third behind the Jingle Ladies who are all staff members and will most likely win this as they are staying professional, sipping at cranberry juice so all their faculties are in place. The scoreboard gets updated. We’ve moved up to second and I double high five Beth in a moment of drunken exuberance.

  ‘YES! You fucking clever bitch, you!’

  Maddie bursts into laughter at me swearing. Jag pulls me back down to my chair.

  ‘Alright there Callaghan?’ he asks.

  ‘We’ve got to beat them, we have to. For Leo, for me, and for little baby Jesus.’

  Lucy cackles. ‘When do I get my boobs out?’

  Leo smiles and Beth shakes her head.

  ‘We can do this. We are clart, smever people,’ she mutters.

  Maddie takes her glass from her. Never mind winning this quiz, I just hope we can get out conscious and not have to carry anyone home. Jag laughs at all three sisters and cosies into me while we wait for the last round.

  ‘I like being here. This has been fun.’

  ‘I’m sorry about Simon being here and spoiling things…’

  ‘Actually, it’s been good. To confirm what a dick he is.’

  ‘Isn’t he just?’ interjects Lucy. ‘Like the most colossal of dickheads. Like a nuclear style dickhead. Mass weapon of dickheadedness.’

  Leo thinks this hilarious and we l
eave them to continue in what is quite an open display of flirting.

  ‘I knew anyway. I’d seen him around the hospital, his reputation preceded him.’

  ‘And I guess you’re thinking how could anyone be so stupid as to have married him?’

  ‘No. I’m thinking he took advantage of your good nature, that’s all.’

  We smile at each other.

  ‘So what number date is this?’ I ask.

  ‘Do we count the cafeteria coffees?’ he says.

  ‘Or the hour-long conversations on WhatsApp?’

  Maddie has her ear in and I can see her smiling to herself.

  ‘I’m counting this as official date seven,’ I say. ‘And I’m waiting for what’s in store.’

  I realise this sounds vaguely sexual so panic a little but he laughs and plants a kiss on my forehead.

  ‘So, the final round to decide who the winners will be tonight is on the human body.’

  Lucy shrieks and does a fist pump. ‘We’ve so got this.’

  Her and Beth bare their teeth in quite a show of aggression and even Maddie grasps at her pen knowing that we have a trump card here. I glance over Beth’s shoulder to see someone looking over at our table. He catches my eye and I bow my head to him to initiate the start of combat. A lady comes over with a quiz sheet and gives it to Maddie.

  ‘Fuuuuuckk…’ she says.

  I grab the sheet from her. It’s a diagram of a skeleton asking you to label bones, Simon’s specialism. He probably slept with someone to plant this as the last round. I watch as he rolls up his sleeves, announcing the cavalry has arrived.

  ‘Cranium, mandible, clavicle, humerus, radius, ulna, pelvic girdle, coccyx, tibia, and metatarsals,’ I say almost robotically. My shoulders drop. We may have lost this and it all feels a little rigged. Maddie frantically fills in the sheet and I watch as they do the same across the room. On a table next to us are The Wise Men whom Leo was supposed to have joined and I tell them the answers too as I’m really not bothered now who wins. We hand in our papers and I wait for the horrific show of smugness that will be the winners’ celebration. I may have to actually leave. I watch the teachers on the stage discuss the papers.