Whiskey (Brewed Book 2)

by Molly McAdams

  “The what?”

  “—and it wasn’t hard to imagine you’d run out of money at some point.”

  “Drugs,” I said flatly.

  “Cayson.” Her voice was soft, admonishing. “There’s no point in lying or trying to hide it from me.”

  A disbelieving scoff left me as I ran a hand over my face.

  “Your dad told me about everything before he passed.”

  My hand fell. My stare narrowed on her. “What?”

  Her face crumpled as her tears overwhelmed her, but I waited. Giving her time.

  I would’ve given her all night to know exactly what Dad had told her. What she’d known and never reached out to me with.

  “He told me about the arrest the day you left,” she finally said, voice thick from her tears. “About the cocaine. That it’d been a problem—he said that’s why you ran.”

  I waited, sure there was more. Sure what she’d said had to have been some massive, fucked-up joke.

  “He made sure the sheriff’s office stayed quiet about it so no one in town would know. He wanted to protect—”

  “The family,” I finished for her, sneering the words. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

  “Cayson,” she whispered disapprovingly.

  “And let me guess: Beau, Hunter, and Sawyer don’t know, right?” One of my brows ticked up. “To protect the family?”

  Her silence was answer enough.

  I leaned forward, elbows to my knees and fingers raking through my hair again and again as a groan of frustration built in my chest. “Do I look like someone who does drugs?” I demanded when I sat back, but didn’t wait for an answer. “I don’t even smoke, Mom. For fuck’s sake, I’ve had more to drink since I’ve been back in Amber than I usually do in a year because we can’t drink on the rig. But you think I’m here to steal from y’all to support my drug habit. Sounds about right.”

  “Cayson, I do not know what kind of person you are anymore or how you live your life,” she cried out. “I only know how you left here.”

  “You know what he wanted you to think,” I seethed. “I have touched a vile that contained cocaine one time in my life to protect someone else. And, yes, I was arrested for it so he wouldn’t be. And, yes, I left Amber that night, but it just happened to be that night. Dad knew that because he knew he was the reason I left, and that it was a long time coming.”

  “Oh, Cayson . . .” Her eyes rolled as if I’d said the most ridiculous thing.

  You know, because cocaine was so much easier for her to believe than Dad being an asshole.

  I stood, head shaking as I rocked to the side to leave. “If you want to know why I left, what your husband was really like, ask Hunter. Better yet? Ask Emberly. She saw what he was like—she knows exactly why I left.”

  “Sit down, Cayson, I am still your mother and I am not done talking with you.” She stared at me while I continued to stand, her stern expression unwavering even as her voice gentled. “I came here to talk with you. To try to stop you from what I know you’re about to do. Not to fight with you.”

  “No, see, Mom, it really is too late.” I gestured to her. “Anything I say, you won’t believe me. Sawyer and Beau won’t either. And I kind of don’t give a shit anymore. It’s part of the reason why I left in the first place, to start over where no one had any preconceived notions about me. Where I could actually be me—not who Dad or the town made y’all believe I was. And if for some reason y’all ever decide to listen to all the bullshit I went through and accept it, I don’t know if I’ll accept you.”

  If I hadn’t already been annihilated that night, the hurt that tore across her face would’ve crippled me. As it was, it barely fazed me.

  “I wouldn’t want your compassion and understanding. I wouldn’t want to be welcomed into the family only after you learn the truth. Because none of y’all gave me a chance. Not back then and not now.”

  “You can’t say something so wildly different from what we’ve always known and get upset when we don’t believe you, or when one of us gets defensive,” she said sternly. “You can’t take away what we’ve known to always be true and replace it with something that seems outlandish, and expect us to accept it without question or reservations. You’re expecting blind faith from us, and we can’t give you that with the things you’re saying. These kinds of things take time to think on and digest.”

  My head bobbed in understanding before shaking quickly. “It was right in front of you for ten years. Think that’s long enough.”

  “Of you shutting us out,” she yelled when I started away.

  “No, Mom,” I ground out as I faced her again. “Ten years in this fucking house.”

  I watched as that sunk in, as her expression fell in shamed wonder.

  “I didn’t come back to Amber to make you understand. I came back for a million other reasons that have nothing to do with you. But I thought I could try to mend things while I was here. Like I said, I don’t care anymore. Everything is an excuse anyway. Everything is a lie to you. Everything in this goddamn town is a reminder of why I left.” I shrugged as a helpless laugh left me. “And every minute I waste here is making it harder to leave, but I can’t stay.”

  Every word seemed to cut her a little deeper, crush her a little more. By the time I’d finished, she looked nearly as wrecked as I felt. But there was a layer of betrayal to her stare.

  “You’re going to regret not having a life surrounded by your family, Cayson. You are going to regret leaving. Whatever you think your reasons were, you came back because you needed your family.”

  “What family?” A harsh breath left me. “After all, Dad only had three sons.”

  Her face went blank.

  The room went still with my cruel blow.

  A few seconds passed before she stiffly stood and walked from the room, watery stare straight ahead.

  I didn’t try to stop her or move until I heard her car start up, and then it was to stagger back to the chair I’d been occupying. Slumping into it and cradling my head in my hands as I dragged in one painful breath after another.

  “Damn.”

  I jolted upright, heart pounding at the unexpected voice, and looked to the side to see Hunter stepping into the living room, pocketing his keys I’d left in the entryway.

  “The fuck?”

  He repositioned his baseball cap before repeating, “Damn.”

  “How long have you been here?”

  “Since about the time Mom said she thought you were here to steal.” The corner of his mouth twitched up in a wicked smirk. “Want the combination to my safe?”

  “Screw you, man.” I let out a ragged breath and sank lower into the chair, letting my hand fall across my face. “Why are you not at Amber Fest, and why were you listening in?”

  “Well, your phone was sitting on a crate of jam, figured you’d want it. Rae and Sawyer are watching the booth.”

  “I took your truck, how’d you get here?”

  “How do you know I didn’t come with Mom?” From the challenging look on his face, I knew he didn’t expect me to believe he had, he was just curious to hear my response.

  “Only one door shut when she got here.”

  “Your phone’s in the kitchen,” was all he said as he pushed from his spot on the wall to leave.

  “That it?”

  “You expecting something else?” He slowly looked my way, the low bill of his cap unable to hide the sadness there. “I’m not gonna tell you to stay, Cays. You already know I want you to.”

  He’d almost made it out of the room when he put his hand on the wall and used it to push himself back to face me.

  “What you said to Mom? Real harsh. Doesn’t mean it isn’t true.” His hand tapped against the wall a few times as he seemed to think. “What she said about shutting us out? Yeah, you didn’t call me or Mom. Guessing you didn’t call Beau. But you were talking to Saw. Any of us could’ve gotten your number from him—we could’ve called you. It went bo
th ways.”

  I nodded, thankful for the acknowledgment. Thankful that he wasn’t putting it all on me even if I had been the one to leave.

  “She was right about the last part though,” he said, tone shifting into something a little more thoughtful, a little more serious. “About leaving.”

  “Thought you weren’t gonna tell me to stay.”

  “I’m not.” He shrugged. “Just saying Mom’s right—you’ll regret it. Not for the reasons she said, maybe, but because you’re gonna start feeling lost in Beaumont. You’re gonna feel lost anywhere Emberly isn’t.”

  I offered him a hesitant nod after a moment.

  The slight twitch of his mouth was his only parting, and then he was gone.

  I listened to the sounds of the door shutting and his unhurried steps across the porch. His truck starting up and leaving.

  Then I waited.

  Listened.

  My stare searching what I could see of the entryway and the wall that separated this room from the rest of it when I felt it.

  The anguish and loss and dread that crept through the house like a wraith—echoing and amplifying my own pain.

  I stood and followed the pull to her, that loss and dread growing stronger and stronger until the house was thick with our grief.

  “You don’t drink,” she said when I rounded the corner, a little smile pulling at her lips even though she looked so broken.

  I leaned against the wall and studied that smile, noting that she was sitting exactly where I’d stopped on the stairs.

  As though the pieces of my soul she held on to had led her there.

  “That’s amusing?”

  Her hazel eyes focused, shifting to search my face. “No, it’s just—” That smile broadened for a second before falling altogether. “You smell like whiskey. A bourbon,” she amended. “I’ve been trying to figure out which one.”

  “I smell like I’ve been drinking?”

  “No,” Emberly said quickly. “Not at all. It’s just . . . you. Bourbon and sandalwood.” Blood rushed to her cheeks, and she ducked her head, running the fingers of her uninjured hand through her wild hair. “Cayson, if you want to go, I know I can’t stop you. But if you’re going to leave, leave because it’s what you want to do.”

  I was sure if I opened my mouth, I would remind her of all the times I’d told her that I was right there. The times I’d told her I wasn’t leaving.

  I would repeat exactly why I had to leave and break us both all over again.

  So, I didn’t say anything at all.

  When she lifted her head, her resigned expression would’ve destroyed me if there had been anything left to destroy. “With what I’ve already put you through, I honestly can’t imagine why you would want to stay, let alone be with me. But I feel like if I don’t at least get this out before you go, I’ll forever wish I had.”

  I swallowed back the impulse to tell her every reason why I wanted her in any way, forever, and inclined my head in assent.

  She worried her lip for a moment before a soft, critical laugh left her. “It’s funny because it goes along with something your mom said at the end. Kind of,” she added quickly. “In a way. Maybe . . . not really.” Her head shook. Just these quick, little movements as if trying to push that train of thought from her mind. “Starting over.”

  Amusement pulled at me, but I fought to remain outwardly impassive.

  “I’ve been sure for so long that you were behind everything that happened. I know now that it wasn’t you. The way you reacted to the stories the other day, I knew before you’d ever started defending yourself. But when everything happened back then, it just made sense for it to be you.”

  “How?” I demanded. “How did it make sense when all that shit was such a massive jump from any of the things I actually did?”

  “Because you did lash out at me when I saw you, so I was already sure you hated me. And they never said your name like they were trying to blame it on anyone else, it was always in a taunting way so similar to the way you taunted me.” Her eyes begged me to understand as her voice lowered with shame and regret. “Not to mention, Sawyer believed it, and you never said a word about any of it. There was never any admission, but there was never a denial.”

  “I didn’t know it was happening.”

  “I know,” she cried out, “but I didn’t then. And to go through those years . . . to have that mindset of knowing there was something wrong with me for being utterly in love with the person who had been the reason for my torment . . . only to find out everything I had known was wrong. It’s jarring.” She studied me, her voice lowering when she continued. “I believed you wholeheartedly, but it was unsettling for you to just rewrite my history.”

  A grunt of understanding rumbled in my chest, but I didn’t respond otherwise.

  There was a but coming, I could practically hear it shouted, lingering in the air.

  Worry pulsed from her in the seconds before she went on, mixing with the already destructive air we were surrounded in.

  “It had already been such a mindfuck to look at you and see my reason for breathing, while also having this echo of humiliation and deep-rooted hatred for you and myself for loving you. But even after knowing it hadn’t been you, that echo was still there. Like those memories were unable to shift without the rest of the story. I was worrying over why it wasn’t leaving and if it would ever leave, and then you told me about Gabriela after confirming that you were going back. And my insecurities just . . .” She pressed her hands to her chest for a few moments, her expression helpless. “Exploded.”

  That was one way of putting that day. A good way, even.

  I’d been waiting for that day, for that time for us to get all the bullshit out in the open. And it’d felt damn good even if the process was painful, because I’d known it was what we needed to move on.

  And then suddenly, the pin was gone, and I was grasping to hold us together, but we’d still exploded in my hands.

  Emberly looked like she was waiting for something from me. But when I didn’t respond, she released a hushed sigh filled with understanding and unease before continuing. “You’ve already experienced my insecurities on a massive scale in the short time you’ve been back. I won’t say I’ll be different or change because that would be a lie. Because even though I know things I didn’t before, I’ve still lost you once, and that’s something I wouldn’t stop worrying over any time soon. And you deserve so much more than what I’ve already put you through.”

  My eyes narrowed at the implication.

  At the words she clearly meant.

  “But you needed to know that the times you were talking about earlier were in the midst of thinking you were an entirely different person or having my world blown up right after you’d confirmed my biggest fear. You needed to know that I don’t, in any way, blame you for what Kip did. It was his choice to retaliate, and it was his choice to retaliate that way.”

  Her shoulders caved as if she’d said everything she needed to and could, and she had to leave the rest up to me. As if that terrified her.

  “That echo. Is it still there?”

  She sucked in a deep breath and held it, thinking for a moment before saying, “It’s different. Faded and hazy, I guess, after Kip confessed everything.”

  I nodded and pushed from the wall so I was standing directly in front of her. Watching every flicker of emotion and the quick rise and fall of her chest as she waited. “I have to be on the rig two weeks from tomorrow.”

  Her jaw trembled, but she managed to whisper, “I understand,” before steeling it.

  “Hunter offered up my old room on the weeks I’m off.”

  A crease formed between her eyebrows. “Wait—like, live here? In Amber?”

  “On my weeks off,” I confirmed.

  Her body trembled with the exhale that burst from her. For the first time since finding her on the stairs, hope and excitement danced through the pain in her eyes. “When was this—what did you sa
y?”

  “It depended on today,” I said softly. “On if I could handle Amber Fest.”

  It looked as though my last words had crushed her lungs and taken the last of her air. Suffocating the hope as fast as it had appeared.

  “It depends on you.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, choking over the words when it felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Depends on me how?”

  Cayson’s face was utterly unreadable, making this pivotal and terrifying moment nearly unbearable.

  “If you think you can handle that life,” he finally said, the first hints of worry slipping through in his tone. “Me being gone for two weeks at a time.”

  A shuddering breath ripped free as I pushed to my feet and launched myself into his arms. A laugh tumbling free when he staggered back and nearly dropped me in the process.

  But then his mouth was on mine, and my soul was crying out in thankfulness for this chance.

  Each brush of his lips and stroke of his tongue an assurance I wasn’t dreaming this. Each whispered I love you that drowned out my I’m sorrys a vow.

  “Having to trust I will come back,” he whispered against my lips before he was kissing me again, the tips of his fingers trailing along my jaw.

  Tears slipped unbidden as he laid me on the steps, pressing his body to mine as his hands worked under my shirt and began lifting.

  “Understanding I’ll never want anyone the way I want you.”

  As soon as the shirt was over my head, I was reaching for him again. My hand screaming in protest as I drove my fingers into his hair and pulled him closer.

  But as soon as he started down my throat in a line of scorching kisses, I gripped tighter to stop him and waited until he met my stare.

  “I told you,” I said through my ragged breaths. “That fear won’t just magically disappear. Those uncertainties will continue to be something I struggle with. But I can promise to never ask you to leave again. To be waiting here for you. To love you completely, every day, for the rest of my life.”