Never Look Back: A Dystopian Novel

by Mortimer, L. C.

  “No,” I finally admitted, hesitantly.

  “You know we have to check, Paige.”

  “I know.”

  “I know it’s hard, Paige, but we need to get moving on this. Then if you want to bury them we need to get started now because it’s going to take a few hours to dig a hole. If they are infected, burning is probably going to be the safest choice. Not the best bet since we don’t want anyone seeing the smoke, but probably the safest. Who knows how long they’ll be contagious for if they have it?”

  He was right. I didn’t want to burn them, though. I silently prayed that they would be rash-free so we could find a safe spot to bury them. I couldn’t stand the thought of smelling their burning flesh even if they were already dead. It didn’t seem right.

  “There’s a cemetery down the road a bit,” I told Brian. “It’s old, but there should be space for them there.”

  “Okay, let’s go check them. Then we’ll take the bodies and get a move on.”

  I pulled a pair of plastic gloves from beneath the bathroom sink and headed into the bathroom. The bodies were sitting upright in the tub, quite neatly, really. The blood spatter on the back of the bathtub tiles made it obvious they had been shot here. I wondered if they had been hiding in the shower in hopes of escaping this fate. Maybe they hadn’t been hiding. Maybe they had been forced here so the killer could have a cleaner kill. I wanted to plug my nose, but realized that wouldn’t make it any easier to pull up their shirts. Instead, I pulled my shirt up over my nose so I would have my hands free to check them.

  I did my dad first. Brian watched from the doorway to make sure I didn’t need help. I knew that it was probably also to make sure I didn’t accidentally expose myself to any of their bodily fluids. After all, if I got sick I would infect him pretty quickly. Even though we were companions, or something, you could never be too cautious and you could never really trust anyone. If I got infected, would I really tell him? What would be the point? I would like to think that I’d tell him, but the truth is that I’d probably just want to enjoy my last few hours peacefully without having to say a dramatic goodbye.

  I pulled up my dad’s shirt, exposing his hairy chest. It was clear. I pulled his shirt back down, patting him gently on the stomach as I did. My mom was next. Brian turned away respectfully for that one. She was clear, too. I felt tears start to fill my eyes but I choked them back down as I placed her shirt back on. I had done enough crying to last me a lifetime. It was time to work now.

  I spread plastic shower curtains over the back seat of my mom’s car before we moved her and my dad to the vehicle. Carrying them was heavy and painful. My parents were not tiny people, but Brian and I managed to half-drag, half-carry them to the car and fit them both into the back seat of the Impala.

  “I’ll drive,” I told him once they were in the car.

  “Shovels?” He asked, handing me the keys. What a silly thing. I had almost forgotten.

  I headed over to one of the outbuildings and yanked the heavy metal door open. It whooshed with a squeak. There were several shovels in one corner. I grabbed two and carried them to the car. They went into the trunk and I started the car. We were off.

  It’s a funny thing, burying your parents. The cemetery we buried them at wasn’t huge, wasn’t fancy, wasn’t unique. It was tiny and worn down. It was old and most of the tombstones words had long ago worn off. A few of the headstones had actually fallen over. One was broken in half. But somehow, none of that mattered. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was the fanciest cemetery in town with the most expensive gravestone. It was still death and death was never as neat and tidy as it seemed it should be.

  We dug a hole, Brian and I. After nearly five hours of sweating and never speaking more than a word or two to one another, we dug the hole. We dropped my father in first. I tried to be gentle, tried to slide him in, but there’s not really a nice way to place someone gently into a 5 foot deep hole. A lot of people thought graves were always six feet deep, when in reality 4-5 feet is usually deep enough. We laid my mother on top of him and then, as I sat for a moment staring at their bodies in the hole, Brian started to throw the dirt back on top.

  I wanted to cry, but my heart felt too cold for that. I wanted to scream or say something profound or make the pain go away, but nothing happened. So I stood up and I picked up my shovel and I started pushing the dirt back over the only people who had ever loved me.

  Chapter 19

  A lot of strange things happen at the end of civilization. For one, you learn really quickly that you have to depend on yourself. Having other people around is usually a bonus, but most people, when you get to their core, are really self-centered and selfish. Most people, unfortunately, just looking out for themselves and for the people who mean something to them. Most people aren’t just good at heart.

  The other thing that happens is that you get really, really bored. We had been at the house for almost four weeks.There was still snow outside when I first started to feel anxious about being cooped up in a house all winter. We had a fireplace, so we weren’t cold by any means, but just the monotony of sitting around every single day was driving me insane.

  I could tell Brian felt it, too. After all, you could only play Monopoly so many times with the same person before you wanted to shoot them. And while I loved being intimate with Brian, even sex was something you could only do so many times before you just wanted something different. I had read every book in the house, cleaned every nook and cranny, and reorganized the pantry eight times. I was done. I wanted to get out.

  “We should go find supplies,” I told Brian. He lifted an eyebrow, shooting me a questioning look. He saw through my suggestion. “We could use a day out and about, and don’t you think it’s about time we started thinking about replenishing the pantry?”

  “I don’t know if that’s a particularly good idea,” Brian told me softly. He was always so gentle with me, even more so since we’d gotten here. Brian wasn’t someone you should mess with, but he also was someone who was incredibly loyal. I couldn’t see him betraying me or letting anything bad happen to me. He seemed to have made it his goal in life to keep me safe, comfortable, and happy.

  But all I wanted, today, was to go.

  “Why not? Nothing’s going to happen. We haven’t even seen a single person since we got here, and it’s been forever. I should be in classes right now, Brian. You should have a job. We should be out there, out in the world, living our lives and pursuing our dreams, but we’re not. We’re stuck here, stuck in a house with nothing to do and fast running out of things to eat.”

  That part wasn’t particularly true. We had plenty of food. Neither one of us ate that much and we were both pretty good at rationing ourselves. Once you got out of the habit of emotional eating, learning to be careful about what foods you ate became easier and easier. A packet of oatmeal could actually be a pretty filling breakfast, especially when you paired it with fresh eggs from one of the chickens.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea. We haven’t seen anyone because we haven’t made our presence known. The first time someone thinks that we have something they can use, Paige, they’ll overpower us in a second and come in here. Is that really what we want? I’m sorry you’re bored, but we don’t need to go wandering around in the snow trying to find something to do. If you’re bored, read a book.”

  I glared at Brian from across the room. I knew he was right but I was not, under any circumstances, going to admit it. I was bored. I’d never been inside for this long and even though I took the occasional walk outside, Brian and I had both been very careful to make it seem like our house was uninhabited. The only rule of making noise that we’d broken was having a fire in the fireplace. We tried to limit our fires to nighttime so the smoke wouldn’t be as obvious, but there was no way I was going to go an entire winter without heat. The fire was a must.

  I wanted to know what was going on in the world. I wanted some news. I wanted to know if anyone had survived the viru
s or if anyone had found a cure, a vaccine, anything. After all, wasn’t that what happened during a plague? Everyone died and then someone found a cure. A cure couldn’t be that difficult to find, not after all this time. My parents had a slim collection of medical textbooks in their basement and I had poured over them for days, trying to find anything that would give me some insight into how to cure – or at least treat – the virus should Brian or I get sick.

  But when it came down to it, when it came right down to the core, I was simply a college girl with little knowledge of vaccines. Brian, despite his time in the armed forces, wasn’t a doctor, either. He couldn’t cure it. He could treat a lot of wounds and handle a lot of risky situations, but cure an unknown disease mankind had never heard of before? Well, that was his limit.

  I didn’t bring up the topic of leaving again to Brian. I knew it was touchy. I knew he’d lost a lot, but we all had. I felt like he had lost more, but I still felt the pain of my own loss. I wondered daily what had happened to my parents. Had they cried? Had they begged for their lives? Had they thought about me? Had they known their attacker? I knew I would never have the answers I wanted. After all, the bodies were long gone now and the killer was carrying on with his life. I would never know what had happened to them. That was something I would have to come to grips with eventually. For now I just tried not to think about it.

  I wondered if Brian was scared to lose me. We’d known each other for such a short time, but I felt so close to him. I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me or feel scared. A lot of guys freaked out when you told them bad things you’d done. After all, who wants to date a liar or a whore? Who wants to date a girl who made mistakes? Who wanted to date someone less than perfect? Brian didn’t care about any of that. No matter what I said or did, no matter what obstacle I threw at him, he took it all in stride.

  And really, he had to. After all, if you could bury bodies with someone, you could do anything with them. It wasn’t just me, though. He had opened up to me, as well, sharing stories about his childhood and his life with George and Sarah. They had had many wonderful times together, many special memories. Brian had been an ideal grandson to them, always trying to make them proud. He was a true hero, as his time in the armed services had shown. So it pained me to know I was leaving him behind the morning I decided to go out on an adventure without him.

  I woke earlier than him almost every day. It wasn’t on purpose; I just couldn’t sleep past seven on an ordinary morning. There was always something to be done, whether it was breakfast to cook or chickens to feed, and I didn’t want to miss a moment of it. I didn’t purposely sneak away while he slept, nor did I make an effort to be alone, but I appreciated the time I had in the mornings with the animals. It gave me time to think about the world, to explore nature on my own. It was amazing how your heart could feel broken and cold, yet just watching the way baby chicks flapped their way across the yard reminded you that life goes on, if only for awhile.

  I slipped out of bed quietly and made my way downstairs. I scribbled a note and left it on the counter for him.

  Brian,

  I’ll be careful, but I’m going to look for supplies. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be back before you wake up tomorrow. Taking the car and enough ammo for an emergency. Don’t worry. I’ll be careful. I love you.

  Paige

  I knew in my heart it was a shitty thing to do. It was terrible, really. Who does that? Who leaves their boyfriend alone in a house and sneaks out against his will? Even worse, who says “I love you” for the first time in a handwritten note on a morning you abandon the very person you claim to love? But I needed to know what was out there and he wasn’t going to let me go alone. He wasn’t going to let me figure out what was happening. I needed to see it with my own eyes.

  I took the car and, as promised, some ammo for my .22. It was a handy gun and probably my favorite. I had cleaned it yesterday just to make sure it was in good, working order in case I needed to fire it. I prayed I wouldn’t have to. Even though times were tough, I didn’t know if I had it in me to kill someone. Not someone uninfected, anyway.

  I made a turn at the end of the road and then another. I followed the looping gravel path until I reached the tiny town I had lived just outside of for most of my life. The gravel slowly dissipated slipping into a sea of smooth concrete roads. I was in town. I was in the city. I was where the people are.

  Only this time there were no people, only dust. There were no running vehicles. There were cars parked on either side of the road. Most of them had flat tires. All of them had broken windows. I drove slowly, keeping my doors locked and both hands on the steering wheel as I made my way down Main Street. The corner grocery that always had the best cookies in town was empty. I didn’t bother stopping and trying to find anything. There was no point. The windows had long ago been smashed in and there were remnants of food and piles of blood outside the storefront. Whatever happened there was something I wanted no part of. I kept driving.

  The next street was still frequented by many, though not as popular as Main Street. That’s where I found a few storefronts that hadn’t been broken into. I still didn’t stop or slow down. It would be better, I figured to simply loot houses as we had in the past. At least with houses, your chances of running into anyone were very slim. And if you did run into someone, they wouldn’t be expecting you so you’d have a fighting chance of getting out of there alive.

  Making my way back toward Main Street, I left the tiny town in my rearview window. I took one look back, though, and was glad that I did because a small, black car was following me. It was almost unnoticeable at first. Its pace was so slow that I wondered, for a moment, if the vehicle was parked, but then I saw the eyes of the driver: bright, sparkling eyes. I was not alone.

  I thought, for a moment, about pulling over and trying to talk to the driver. After all, maybe she had some news about the world outside. Maybe she knew what was going on. Maybe she could help me. Maybe, though, she was infected or wanted to take all that I had for her own gain. There was no way to tell, and by the time I figured it out, it would be too late. I had to act fast.

  I pretended that I hadn’t seen the car and turned onto a gravel road about a mile outside of town. I drove slowly enough not to seem suspicious but quickly enough to kick up dust behind me. That was the beauty of a gravel road. You could kick up dust and dirt behind your car without breaking 30 MPH and the car behind you wouldn’t be able to see you clearly at all. They would simply be following dust, not your actual car. I made a few more turns, careful not to choose a road that led to my house, and then made a hasty twist down a narrow driveway.

  It was a house I knew well and that I suspected had been vacant for a long time. It wasn’t my intention to bring misfortune or evildoers on anyone I knew, but I also didn’t want the people in the black car to follow me or know where I was going. If I tried to lose them on a regular gravel road, they wouldn’t stop looking for me. This way, at least maybe they would suspect I had gone inside. I didn’t know.

  I hurried down the driveway, kicking up as much dirt as I could and then pulled to the side of a series of trees. They wouldn’t be able to see my car right away from the trees, not if they were focused on getting up to the house. I immediately killed the engine, grabbed my gun, and slipped from the car. I took the keys and shoved them next to a tree stump. I didn’t want anyone taking my car, but I also didn’t want the jangle of keys in my pocket to give away my location.

  Hiding in the trees, I sprinted up toward the house and, sure enough, heard the black car pulling up the driveway.

  “Where’d the car go?” A female voice asked as I heard the doors open and shut.

  “I dunno, but we need to search the house. Tim’s gonna be pissed if we come back empty handed after all that hoopla about how we can be trusted to get stuff done.” A second voice responded.

  I peered carefully from behind the tree at the house and watched two petite women head into the house. Obv
iously both armed, they made their way throughout the house and after what seemed like an eternity, but what was really probably only like 20 minutes, they returned with their arms full of loot. I watched them dump food, water bottles, and a heavy quilt into their trunk.

  “We need to get out of here,” the first female said.

  “Let me smoke first, damn.” The other lit up a cigarette and leaned against the car. Letting out a sigh, she inhaled deeply. “Where the hell did that car go, man?”

  “I don’t know, but I know we’re gonna get killed if we don’t come back with a better excuse than ‘we lost her.’”

  “What was that girl even doing? It’s not like there’s anything to see here anyway,” the second girl continued, puffing on her cigarette. “Wonder if she’s local or if she traveled here like us.”

  The first girl whined, “I miss New York. I’m tired of this place. Maybe we should just get going and forget all about Tim. After all, he hasn’t given us anything he promised. No cure, after all. No money, no jobs, no safe haven. Everything was a lie, and we followed his sorry ass across the country. For what? Granola bars and a quilt? Fuck that noise.”

  The second girl seemed more calm and relaxed. She was obviously the one in charge of the situation, the leader of the two. “It’ll be fine,” she promised, squishing her cigarette beneath her heavy shoe. “We’ll circle around again and see if we can’t find that bitch. Maybe she has some food in her car, or at least a fresh piece. We need something, man. I’m bored and I wanna get out of this stupid town.”

  “Let’s do it.”

  The two hopped back into the car and before they even started the car, I slipped off into the woods. It was going to take me awhile to get home on foot, but I wasn’t going to risk letting them see me on the roads again. Not today, anyway. Relieved I wore sneakers instead of heavy snow boots, I made my way through underbrush and trees until I got to an open field.