The Christmas Wish List: The perfect cosy read to settle down with this autumn

by Heidi Swain

  She unfolded what I could now see was a map.

  ‘You’re more than welcome to explore.’

  ‘Oh yes please,’ I said, taking the map from her and turning it what I thought was the right way up. I was pleased I’d decided to wear the borrowed welly boots now. ‘I’ll do that. I was sorry not to get the chance to come when it was all in full swing.’

  ‘Maybe next year,’ she smiled.

  I didn’t contradict her. Perhaps news of my changed plans had already reached the Wynbridge countryside.

  ‘I’ll tell Anna you’re here. But don’t get cold,’ she added, pulling her shawl tighter around her. ‘If you start to get chilly make your way back here to thaw out.’

  ‘All right,’ I said. ‘Thank you, Mrs Connelly.’

  ‘Catherine,’ she said, clicking her fingers at the dogs. ‘Please call me Catherine.’

  I made my way to the front of the beautiful hall, thinking of the tour Beamish had arranged and the delicious tea. I could see from the map and a few scuffed patches on the gravel that this was where the refreshments had been set up, most noticeably the Cherry Tree Café mobile tea room. I wondered if the prettily painted vintage caravan on the map was an accurate representation. Knowing Jemma’s sense of style, it most likely was.

  Keen to get out of the wind, I hastily followed the arrows and the striped candy cane markers to where the path properly began. It was quiet among the trees, and truth be told, a little eerie, but I pressed on, admiring the listed features. My pace slackened as I heard voices ahead. Was I about to come face to face with Beamish? Part of me wished I was, if only to get the initial awkwardness over with.

  ‘Aha,’ said a woman as I turned a corner and stepped into a clearing.

  My heart sank. There was no sign of Beamish.

  ‘Could you possibly spare a moment to give us a hand?’

  She introduced herself as Mags and the teenage boy with her, was her son, Ed. Between them they had been showing the owls they had rescued, to raise funds for the care of the growing menagerie of waifs, strays and injured birds and mammals which Ed tended to.

  ‘He started with just birds,’ Mags said fondly, ‘but now we have all sorts.’

  ‘We even had a fox for a while,’ said Ed, as he handed me the corner of the canopy they had been struggling to fold in the breeze. ‘But she was soon well enough to be released.’

  ‘Would you like to hold one of the owls?’ Mags asked. ‘It won’t take a minute to get one out again.’

  ‘Oh no,’ I said hastily, ‘but thanks for the offer.’

  I was more than happy to admire them from a distance.

  ‘I’d better push on,’ I said once the cover was stowed safely away. ‘I’m really here for the solstice ceremony.’

  ‘There’s going to be quite a crowd today,’ Mags nodded. ‘Keep following the path and it will lead you to where you need to be.’

  After briefly stopping to admire the three penned reindeer and their silky antlers, my ears picked up a musical sound I had heard before.

  ‘The Wishing Tree,’ I sighed.

  There was no mention of it on the map and I wondered if it had been left off on purpose. Perhaps the Connellys didn’t want it found or perhaps it was left for those who stepped outside the parameters of the paper to find. It was every bit as entrancing as before and I couldn’t help but recall the first time I had seen it. How I wished Beamish was there so I could explain . . .

  ‘Hattie?’

  I had barely made the wish and it had come true.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  I turned and saw him sitting on a bench at the edge of the clearing. I hadn’t noticed any seating before; my eyes had been firmly focused on the tree.

  ‘Looking for you,’ I said, taking in the biggest breath. ‘Dolly was desperate for me to find you. She said I should explain.’

  ‘And what about you?’ he asked gruffly. ‘Do you want to explain?’

  ‘Of course,’ I said, a lump forming in my throat as I took in the hard-set line of his mouth and the tension in his shoulders. ‘Of course, I do.’

  He shrugged and sat back, evidently determined not to make things easy for me and I could hardly blame him. Had the boot been on the other foot I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere near him, let alone listen to anything he might have had to say. Taking a leap of faith, I walked over and sat, perched on the end of the bench, as far from him as it was possible to get without falling off.

  ‘I know I should have mentioned Jonathan as soon as I arrived,’ I blurted out.

  ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘you should.’

  ‘But to begin with,’ I carried on, ‘talking about him didn’t seem relevant. I was simply in town to spend some time with Dolly before I moved. It didn’t feel necessary to explain the intricacies of my private life.’

  Saying those few words out loud made me feel uncomfortable. When I arrived, I was on the verge of becoming engaged and beginning a new life on the other side of the world. Surely, I should have been so full of it, it would have been impossible to shut me up. The fact that I had kept it all to myself, and not even consciously, said a lot about how I had really felt about my relationship with Jonathan.

  ‘Did Dolly play any part in it?’ Beamish asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded, after I had thought about it for a second or two, ‘yes, she did. She could see things in my relationship that I couldn’t and she thought that, by bringing me to Wynbridge and giving me some space, I would be able to see those things for myself.’

  At least that part of her strategy had worked.

  ‘She also thought,’ I bravely carried on, ‘that if you and I became friends then I would rediscover what close friendships, relationships between adults should really be. An equal footing as opposed to the scales always being weighted in one person’s favour.’

  Beamish nodded.

  ‘And her plan worked,’ I carried on. ‘My friendship with you did make me see everything that was wrong with my relationship with Jonathan. You landed in my life, just in the nick of time.’

  ‘But not before Jonathan assaulted you,’ said Beamish. ‘Not before he physically hurt you.’

  ‘I know it’s probably hard to believe,’ I explained, ‘but the mental scars have run far deeper than the fading marks. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. He’s gone. Finally, and I’m not living my life by his rules anymore.’

  Had everything else not been such a disaster, I daresay it would have felt quite liberating.

  ‘And what about us?’ Beamish asked, turning to look at me properly for the first time. ‘Did Dolly factor any feelings deeper than friendship developing between us into her plan?’

  Now it was my turn to stare ahead.

  ‘No,’ I whispered. ‘As far as I know, there was no contingency strategy to cope with deeper feelings. Dolly simply hoped that we would become wonderful friends.’

  ‘But friends talk to each other, Hattie,’ Beamish pointed out, sounding angry. ‘Friends confide in one another. I told you about my parents and you even explained a little about yours. Surely that should have been the moment you mentioned Jonathan.’

  He was right, that would have been the perfect time to come clean. Tears sprang to my eyes and I tried to blink them away.

  ‘I do understand why you feel deceived,’ I sniffed, ‘and I know that all I’ve ever done is let you down, even though you’ve shown me nothing but kindness . . .’

  The dreadful realisation of how I had treated the wonderful man sitting next to me hit me hard in the chest and I began to cry. What an idiot I had been to let Dolly talk me into coming here this afternoon and asking if we could still be friends. Her blasted ‘cancer card’ had a lot to answer for.

  I let out a longer, unrestrained sob. How was I going to manage without her? How was I going to negotiate my way through my life when she was no longer in it? I felt Beamish shift closer. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side.

  ‘Please d
on’t,’ I said, trying to move away. ‘I’m not crying to make you feel sorry for me.’

  ‘I know,’ he said huskily.

  ‘And I’m not crying about us,’ I told him, determined to stick to the truth about everything. ‘It’s something else.’

  ‘Oh . . .’

  ‘I can’t tell you what,’ I carried on, ‘but I am truly sorry about the way you’ve been caught up in my mess of a private life, Beamish. Had I known this was all going to happen, I never would have agreed to come to Wynbridge. Although,’ I added, ‘I am relieved to be rid of Jonathan and our poisonous relationship.’

  Beamish didn’t respond for a moment but then let out a long sigh and squeezed my shoulder.

  ‘It’s actually the poisonous part of your relationship with that man which has stopped me walking away from you for good.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘When I saw your Facebook profile,’ he told me, ‘and discovered that you were in a long-term relationship, I couldn’t believe it. I was angry with you for keeping it from me. When I saw those pictures of the two of you together, my opinion of you changed completely. You weren’t the person I thought you were and I felt hurt. But then . . .’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Seeing those bruises,’ he said. ‘Those marks on you, and meeting Jonathan in the flesh, it all got me thinking about my parents, how off-kilter Dad’s manipulation skewed Mum’s take on reality, and I began to wonder if under the circumstances and my understanding of them, if I could justify being so angry with you.’

  I held my breath, not daring to interrupt.

  ‘Those images online weren’t representative of your real life at all, were they?’ he went on. ‘Come to think of it, very little of what anyone posts is actually the truth. It’s just the filtered and edited shiny best bits, isn’t it?’

  I nodded.

  ‘I can see that Dolly did have her heart in the right place. She knew you were living a lie and wanted to give you the space to see it. She genuinely thought she was doing the right thing, by you at least.’

  ‘She was offering me an escape,’ I whispered when he didn’t say anything else. ‘My time here and the Wish List have been all about rediscovering the person I was before I fell under Jonathan’s spell.’

  ‘And at least that worked,’ said Beamish, his tone softer. ‘And you know,’ he added, ‘we were great friends, weren’t we?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ I agreed, ‘the best. We might not have known each other for long, but something between us just seemed to click. I’ve never had a friendship like yours, Beamish, except perhaps with Dolly.’

  I hated the thought of losing them both.

  ‘Let’s still be friends then,’ he said, standing up and pulling me to my feet. ‘Friends forgive each other, don’t they? Why don’t we start again?’

  ‘Really?’

  It was the very thing I had been wishing for but I hadn’t thought it would be granted.

  ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘unless you don’t want to?’

  ‘Of course I want to,’ I told him. ‘More than anything.’

  ‘That’s settled then,’ he said, pulling me in for a hug. ‘Let’s forget about the bad bits and focus on the good.’

  ‘All right,’ I agreed.

  I felt the weight of guilt lifting from my shoulders just as the sun began to peep through the breaking cloud and the sound of distant drumming met my ears. The solstice celebration was about to begin.

  ‘I’d really love that,’ I said, my eyes now shining with much happier tears.

  ‘Life’s too short not to, isn’t it?’ he grinned.

  ‘It certainly is,’ I swallowed, my thoughts tracking back to Dolly.

  ‘Come on then,’ Beamish carried on smiling. ‘Let’s go and welcome the return of the sun and the beginning of our re-formed friendship.’

  We set off towards where the music was coming from and I knew I really couldn’t have wished for a happier outcome.

  I didn’t understand everything that was said and done during the ceremony which was conducted by Molly and during which every member of the Connelly clan played a part, but I did enjoy searching for the yule-log which Catherine insisted I should choose and take back to Dolly.

  ‘I know she will have no doubt made the chocolate equivalent,’ Catherine smiled, ‘but this is important too.’

  I picked a smallish log that I would be able to manage to get into the taxi for the return journey.

  ‘How did you get here?’ Beamish asked as we made our way back towards the hall as the sun dipped out of sight and darkness began to settle around us.

  ‘Taxi,’ I said, tucking the log under my arm as I pulled my phone out of my pocket. ‘I’m going to ring for one now to take me back, if I can get a strong enough signal,’ I added.

  I was keen to get back to Dolly and make sure she was all right.

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ Beamish laughed, pulling the log out from under my arm. ‘I’ll run you back to town.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course,’ he smiled. ‘That’s what friends are for, remember?’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, ducking my head as I put my phone away again.

  I wondered how I was going to feel watching this particular friend going out on dates and forming ‘friendships’ with other girls. These next few months were going to be tough for so many reasons.

  Beamish and I made our excuses from the lavish tea which had been laid on by Dorothy, thanked the Connellys for their hospitality and wished them all a Merry Christmas.

  ‘Can you believe it’s almost here?’ said Beamish as he carefully reversed through the vehicles and turned on to the drive. ‘By this time next week, it’ll all be over.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ I groaned, thinking of all the effort that went into the preparations which would last for just a couple of days at best.

  ‘Christmas Eve is always my favourite,’ he grinned. ‘The expectation of what’s to come. I love it.’

  I was just about to ask him where he would be spending Christmas Day but stopped as both my phone and his began to buzz and chatter.

  ‘We must have found a signal hotspot,’ he said, pulling up and cutting the engine again. ‘Oh,’ he added as he scrolled, ‘I’ve been summoned. Dolly wants to see me.’

  ‘Me too,’ I said, showing him my screen.

  I could only conclude that she had begun to doubt my ability to talk him into coming back with me and decided to add her influence to my endeavours.

  ‘Is she all right?’ Beamish frowned, stowing away his phone before starting the engine again. ‘It isn’t like her to be quite so bossy, is it?’

  I wasn’t sure if he was joking or not. Dolly had certainly had her moments in the last twenty-four hours, but given that she was running out of time, I could hardly blame her. No doubt she wanted to tell Beamish her sad news before it started to spread throughout the town. Which, in a place like Wynbridge, it would in no time at all.

  ‘There’s only one way to find out,’ I told him.

  Chapter 27

  In spite of what I knew Beamish was about to be told, I couldn’t help but smile as we drew up outside Dolly’s cottage. It was picture perfect with the bright Christmas lights and Santa tethered to his sleigh looking as if he was poised to launch into the star-studded sky.

  ‘I thought you didn’t like it,’ commented Beamish, when he noticed my rapt expression.

  ‘You know I changed my mind,’ I reminded him, my face warming as I remembered how I had arrived with fixed ideas about style and carefully co-ordinated decorations.

  ‘You’ve changed your mind about a lot of things in the last few weeks, haven’t you?’ he said, passing me the yule-log as he opened the gate.

  ‘That I have,’ I agreed, thinking not only of Jonathan, but also the many things Dolly and I had added and ticked off the Wish List and which had now taken their rightful place in my festive preparations again.

  Dolly was opening the door before we we
re halfway up the path and beckoning for us to hurry up, lest all the heat from the well-stoked fire escaped. She was thrilled with the yule-log and insisted I set it to the side of the basket so there was no danger of it getting muddled with the others and burned before she was ready to release its powers. Whatever that meant. I still wasn’t sure I really understood the significance of it all, but I was delighted Dolly was so pleased to have her own yule-log nonetheless.

  ‘Now,’ she said, once the three of us were settled with tea and biscuits. ‘I need to talk to the pair of you.’

  Beamish looked at me questioningly and I had to look away. I knew that what he was going to hear was going to shake his faith in the world every bit as much as it had mine when I first heard Dolly say it. It was going to take some time for me to come to terms with what was going to happen and I had no real idea how much time Dolly had left. No one did, not even her.

  ‘Thank you for your message, Hattie,’ she went on, pointing at her phone. ‘I appreciate you letting me know, but it’s not going to be enough.’

  I couldn’t fathom what she meant. I had messaged to let her know that Beamish and I were friends again and I had thought she would be pleased, but apparently not.

  ‘However,’ she said, before I had a chance to question her, ‘we’ll get to that later.’

  She returned her gaze to Beamish.

  ‘Beamish,’ she said, her tone softening as she sat back in her seat and prepared herself to say the words.

  ‘I think I’ll just freshen up,’ I said, tears springing to my eyes.

  I couldn’t bear to hear her say it again.

  ‘There’s no need,’ she told me.

  ‘I’ll be back in a sec,’ I said, putting down my cup and saucer. ‘I just want to give you a minute.’

  She didn’t say anything else and I went upstairs into the bathroom and quietly closed the door. I perched on the edge of the bath imagining what the voices I could hear murmuring below were saying. I could hear the conversation was going back and forth and was then punctuated with longer silences.