Everyone laughed again, and someone yelled, “Fuck you, Jesse!”
He grinned and waved the guy off. “I do know who you are. You’re all paying customers, or at least you better be.” Everyone laughed again, and then as Jesse seemed to get his bearings, he clasped his hands together. “No, you all totally got me. I had no idea you were doing this. I’ve missed every one of you these past couple of months, which have been phenomenal. I met awesome new people and had an experience I’ll always carry with me. I highly recommend doing it. Seriously. If you want to, come and talk to any of us and we’ll hook you up with the right people to get involved.”
People clapped, and Jesse looked embarrassed. He waved everyone off. “No, God, please don’t clap for that. Just, everybody, I love you. If I had to come home, I’m glad it’s to all you assholes.” People shouted and clapped, and Jesse was brought in for a hug by someone at the front of the crowd.
The band started playing, and Cassidy rested on a barstool, trying to get her heartbeat back into step. Jesse had been transformed. Cassidy got it. Work like what he’d been doing made you into a new person. You appreciated life and people, and you became humble…at least most people did.
Cassidy shouldn’t have been surprised to see him bring home a group of people. That kind of work drew people close and served to form lifelong friendships. And the way he looked at the blond woman, Cara, signaled to Cassidy that she’d gotten her wish. Jesse had found a woman his own age.
She didn’t know if she was going to be able to stay. She needed to, just long enough to say hello and let him know she came. Although she couldn’t think of anything more excruciating than facing him right then, his lovely new girl on his arm. Cassidy thought she might be sick.
Jesse and his new group of friends held court as people came by to say hello and hear about the work. Sebastian sidled up to her. “He’s looking for you.”
She rolled her eyes. “He doesn’t remember I exist.”
“I’m serious. He keeps peering around. He can’t see you because you’re sitting, but I guarantee you, he’s trying to find you.”
“You’re high, Sebastian. He’s with that blond girl.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Have you seen how he looks at her?”
“What’s in a look, huh?” She gave him one, and he held up a hand in concession. “I hear you. But seriously, he’s with three people. You have no clue who’s who. For all you know he’s with the guy.” Sebastian peered over at them. “God knows I’d like to be with that guy.”
She pinched his side with a smile.
“Hang on,” Sebastian said as he waved and smiled through gritted teeth. “He sees us.”
Cassidy met Jesse’s gaze from across the crowded room and her heart leapt like a pole vaulter. She held up a hand in a wave, and he gave her a serious, resigned smile.
She waited for him to look away, and then she stood. “Okay, I think I’m done here.”
“You are not leaving here without speaking to him.”
Cassidy knew that was the right thing to do. She just needed to get it over with. “Okay, let’s go get in line.”
They made their way through the crowd of people and waited while he finished up talking to some people Cassidy didn’t know. The young blonde was right by Jesse’s side, nodding politely and giving off an air of confidence that Cassidy used to recognize in herself before she let love make her insane.
Jesse met Cassidy’s gaze and held up a finger before going back to his guest, leaving her stomach tied up in square knots.
When those people stepped away, Jesse turned to Cassidy and Sebastian. He held out a hand to Sebastian. “Hey, man. Thanks so much for coming.”
Sebastian shook Jesse’s hand. “Welcome back. Looks like you’ve been missed.” Sebastian glanced around the room.
Jesse turned to Cassidy, his face flushed. “Hey.”
She went in for a modest hug, trying not to drink in his touch, but it was really hard not to. She pulled away and gave him her warmest smile, willing her eyes not to water.
She turned to the blonde who was still by his side, and the young girl held out a hand. “I’m Cara.”
Cassidy smiled at her. “Hi, Cara,” she said, hoping she knew exactly how lucky she was to have landed on this particular trip with this man. “I’m Cassidy.”
The girl stilled, her expression dropping for a moment, and then she smiled wide and gripped her hand harder. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Oh,” Cassidy said, taken off guard.
“Not just from Jesse, but from Andrea and Gregg.”
“Oh my goodness,” Cassidy said, the names of her friends from years past lighting her up. “They were on this trip with you all?” She shouldn’t be surprised. It was very possible Noel and Ingrid had referred Jesse to their mutual friends.
“Yes, they were great. Everyone was. This was the first time I’d ever done something like this, but no one treated me like a newbie. No egos in sight.”
Cassidy thought of Todd. He must not have been on this trip. She turned to Jesse. “What about you? How was your experience?”
“It was great. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after it.”
Cassidy nodded. “Then it was a success, for sure.”
The group of them had an awkward silence, and it was Cara who saved them. “I hear you have a bakery in town.”
Cassidy couldn’t help but feel a little silly. “Yes, down the road a bit in Seaside. Where do you live?”
She tossed up her hands and looked at Jesse. “I’m sort of figuring that out.”
Cassidy’s heart plummeted. This was what she had wanted. She was getting her wish. Jesse had found someone his own age who seemed lovely and warm, and all the things he deserved.
Cara continued. “I graduated from Vandy in December, but I haven’t really landed anywhere yet. I guess my stuff is in Nashville, but I’m still trying to figure out life.”
“I can certainly understand that,” Cassidy said.
Jesse smiled down at Cara so affectionately that Cassidy’s heart crumbled like a sand castle.
Cassidy made a motion toward Jesse with a forced smile. “Well, welcome home.”
“Thanks,” he said, staring into her eyes with an expression she couldn’t read, and didn’t need to try to. Some people Cassidy didn’t know were lurking behind her, ready to talk to Jesse. “We’re going to head out. Enjoy the rest of your party.”
His brow furrowed, mouth opened, but as Cassidy stepped aside, the people behind her swooped in, and once again, Jesse was hugging someone.
She gave Sebastian a look and they were headed toward the front door without a word to anyone else.
27
Sebastian pulled up in the driveway to Cassidy’s house. “Please, sweetie, let me come in. We’ll watch some ridiculous trash TV and eat ice cream till we’re sick or something.”
She took his hand and squeezed it. “Thank you, but I really do want to be alone.”
“Why, so you can sit around drawing up scenarios that may or may not even be legit?”
“I promise I won’t do that. I’m just mentally exhausted. I want to go to bed, really.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Really?”
She nodded.
“Okay, hon. But if you change your mind, I’m just a few miles away.”
“I know. You’re my saving grace. I love you.”
“I love you, too, sweetie.”
Cassidy headed inside and got ready for bed, but when she tried to get into it, she couldn’t. She could feel him there in her bed for the past two months, but tonight, it seemed as empty as a casket.
She lay on the couch staring at the television but numb as a zombie. She’d done the right thing letting him go, but seeing the results of his trip had been more than she realized she was ready to handle. She’d started to wonder if she’d built the relationship up in her head more than it had truly been, but seeing him tonight, sh
e knew she loved him more deeply than she’d let herself believe. Healing from the loss of him was going to be a long, rough journey.
At eleven, she finally decided she was going to need some help getting to sleep. Wine didn’t even sound good, but surely she had an over-the-counter sleep aid in there somewhere. She’d rarely used those, but she wasn’t sure how she was going to make it through this night without one. As she was searching for an expiration date on a bottle that probably pre-dated her move to Seaside, she stilled as a knock sounded on her front door.
Her phone dinged next, and she went for it, heart pounding. Jesse’s name populated her screen, shooting a flame through her body.
It’s me. I saw the television on.
She glanced over at the window by the door with the sheer curtains. He was right there on the other side of her door. Her heart beat so fast she had to hold her palm against it and still herself before she got it together. She took off her reading glasses, and then pulled her hair out of its bun letting it fall around her face, mussing it.
She clenched her eyes shut, readying herself for whatever was next, which could be anything. She’s moving in with him. They’re getting married. He’s going back to live in Puerto Rico. Anything was possible.
She opened the door, and he met her gaze looking contrite. The sight of him there at her doorstep practically made her dizzy with love. “Hey,” he finally said.
“Hey.”
“I’m sorry. I hope you weren’t asleep.”
“I wasn’t. I was just…watching something.”
He nodded. “Can I come in?”
“Oh,” she said, feeling like an idiot. She opened the door. “Of course. Sorry, I’m a little out of it. It’s late.”
“I know. I’m sorry to bug you tonight, but I needed to see you.”
She shut the door behind him and then proffered a hand toward the couch. “Can I get you anything?”
“No,” he said, sitting down. “Thanks.”
She sat on the couch, too, but farther away than usual. “How was the rest of your party?”
“I think it’s still going on, but I got a hall pass because of the travel.”
She nodded. “I didn’t recognize too many of those people.”
“They’re mostly customers who I’ve gotten to know over the years. Your whole crew was there, I think…everyone who came on Chase and Shayla’s wedding weekend.”
“Yeah, I think they were all accounted for. They rarely miss a party.”
He nodded. “It was humbling to have so many people come for me. I’ve felt humbled since the day I got to Puerto Rico, actually.”
“I know what you mean. Those trips can transform a person if you’re not careful.”
“Most definitely, in a lot of ways.” He met her gaze, and she almost buckled from the weight of it.
She shifted in her seat. “So, you made some friends on the trip. That’s awesome.”
“Yeah, it was a really good time. I think I’ll be tight with these guys forever. I know that sounds naïve, but—”
“It’s not naïve. You probably will be. The bonds that can form on these volunteer trips can be forever binding. It’s a wonderful thing,” she said, begging the pressure at the backs of her eyes to loosen.
He frowned down at the couch. “I can see now how you got tight with that Todd guy in a situation like that.”
The pit of her stomach churned. He could see, because he’d experienced that closeness with Cara. “Well, that’s forever done,” she said. “I’m sure of that now. Even the friendship part.”
He looked up at her. “Really?”
“Yeah. He spoke to me in a way I’m not comfortable with that night we all went to dinner. I’d gotten whiffs of that behavior, but I’d chalked it up to stress. He does so much good for people, but when he doesn’t get his way, he doesn’t really have much grace about it.”
He huffed. “I’m not sure I’m much better.”
“You’re not even in the same ballpark, Jesse.”
He searched her gaze like he was looking for answers to something. She held it for as long as she could, and then glanced away. “Um, Cara seems lovely.” It was time to get to the root of what was going on here. If he was going to break her heart, she was ready for the pain to start because hope could be a dangerous beast.
“She’s fantastic. She just finished her degree in neuroscience. She may be one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.”
Cassidy wasn’t sure this could get much worse. Better, she thought. Better for him. “That’s wonderful. Her brain probably needed a break after working so hard all those years.”
He chuckled. “I guess so. School’s no picnic, and I went to a state school.”
She couldn’t take her eyes off his neck, wanting nothing more than to have her mouth on it. She shook herself back to cold reality. “I’m really happy for you,” she said, trying so hard to mean it, but her selfish heart made her a liar.
He frowned. “Cassidy, I’m not with Cara.”
She blinked, hoping she’d heard him right. “No?” she asked, confused.
“God, no. She feels like a little sister to me. She’s way too young for me.”
Cassidy could not help but smile at this irony.
Jesse laughed, running a hand through his hair. “God, that was not how I meant for that to come out.”
She let out a sigh to cleanse the soul, just smiling at him, her heart so full of battling emotions she was afraid a war was brewing inside of her.
He rested back on the couch. “I learned so much about myself on this trip. I know that sounds cliché—”
“It’s not cliché.”
“This may sound hokey, but I don’t think I’ve taken any time to figure out who the real me is until now. I went from this super-structured, planned-out life with Lauren and her dad to this life here with my bar full of hookups and way too much drinking. The past several years have been a fuck-you to her and my brother. That’s not me. That’s not who I am.”
She tucked her leg up under her. “Did this trip help you figure out who you are?”
He shrugged. “It was helpful, I think, but I’m not sure I’m there yet.”
She smiled. “Join the club.”
He met her gaze. “I visited Rachel a couple of months ago, after…” He averted his gaze down to his lap.
Cassidy’s heart cinched. “Really? How did that go?”
“Good, I think. We talked about a lot. She’s actually the one who encouraged me to do this trip, well, not directly, but in a way.”
“That’s great. I’m so glad you did it.”
“I talked to her about what she said to you that day, why she brought up the miscarriage. I think it’s more about me than it is you. She feels like she doesn’t know who I am since I left my old life and did a one-eighty. And I’m not sure she’s all that wrong.”
Cassidy nodded, taking in his words at face value.
“I don’t know who I was back then or who I was these past few years, but I know who I’m becoming since you’ve entered my life. I want to be happy. I don’t want to carry around hate and resentment. I want to help people. I don’t want to be selfish and so self-indulgent all the time. I want to be a man who will earn the love and trust of a woman as incredible as you are.”
She smiled at him, the pull at her heart so strong she thought it might come right out of her chest.
He took her hand. “If you truly don’t want to be with me, I can accept that. If you can say those words to me, that you want me to leave your life because a life with me isn’t what you want, then I’ll leave here tonight and I’ll never bother you again. But if the real reason is because you feel some sort of guilt about taking away my opportunity for a family, or wanting me to have some sort of traditional life, that’s not what I want. That’s not what I wanted when I was twenty, but it was what I thought I had to do. And I almost married a woman who’d been cheating on me with my brother for years. Look what that life coul
d have given me. When I think about a life with some woman I don’t even know and kids and schools and corporate jobs because, let’s face it, bartending isn’t the ideal dad job…I don’t want any of that. I didn’t want it back then, and I don’t want it now. I want you. I want a life where we love each other and travel together for both pleasure and working to help others. I want love and freedom and you.” He took her arms and bore his gaze into hers. “I want you.”
The tears streamed down her face before she could even feel them coming. She swiped them away. “Jesse, I just need to be sure this is what you—”
His mouth was on hers and she reached for his neck, running her hands through his hair. He pulled away from her and had her tank top off in one big motion. He kissed her neck and her breasts, and then pulled away again, taking off his T-shirt. His tanned chest was the most beautiful site she’d ever seen, and she pushed him back on the couch, kissing a million different spots on it. She worked her way down, unbuttoning his shorts and pulling them off of him. She took him into her mouth with such urgency she had to make herself slow down so she didn’t hurt him.
“Oh, fuck, Cassidy,” he said, melting into the couch, eyes closed.
She pulled away, holding him in her hand. “I hate to ask this, because it isn’t my business, but I really want you inside of me, and I need to know…do I need to go get a condom?” She held her breath while she waited for his answer.
He sat up and took her face into his hands. “You could have given me a bottle of blue pills, and I couldn’t have gotten it up for another woman.” She giggled at his wording, but his expression turned serious. “I know I fucked my way through my twenties, but when we do this, you and me, I get filled up inside like nothing I’ve ever known. I never want to be with another woman again.”
She nodded and took his hands. “I never knew a love like this was possible. Thank you for letting me have it.”
He buried his forehead into her neck. “Oh, God, Cassidy. I love you so much.”
Grayton Beach Dreams Page 20
