Late to the Party

by Ramy Vance

  Stew leaned forward to get a better look at the sharpness of his bird’s beak. “I’d hate to see what eats these things. Well, lead the way, Fearless Leader. If you get eaten by a bear, I’m taking your gear.”

  “If I get eaten by a bear, you’re the second course,” Suzuki pointed out.

  The Mundanes rode a mile away from the road as the last bit of light faded from the green and yellow meadows. They built up a fire and pitched their tents, and soon their small camp felt almost homey. Stew supplied the food: salted strips of hydra meat from the Red Lion. Sandy tossed a beer to Stew and Suzuki before cracking her own and opening a book.

  Suzuki watched the sky, occasionally looking at his map. “What do you think Beth is doing right now?”

  Sandy looked up from her book. She turned the page with a wave of her hand and shuddered. “I try not to think about it,” she answered. “I’ve never been to prison, and I’d hate to think what an orc prison is like.”

  Stew bit into a thick piece of the hydra jerky. “Dude, we’re going to get her back. She’s going to be okay.”

  “Yeah, I know,” Suzuki said. “It’s just, you know, I wish we would have figured this shit out sooner. We wasted so much time with all those bullshit missions, all the fucking gear grinding. And the whole time, Beth is out there, and we don’t even know if—”

  “Suzuki,” Stew interrupted.

  Suzuki looked up from his map. Stew was staring at him, the fire casting shadows over his face. He looked confident; there was no doubt on his face. He had the certainty Suzuki wished he could feel. “Beth is going to be okay. We trust you. José thinks it's possible. It’s going to be all right.”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  Suzuki laid down in the grass and looked up at the stars, the millions of small, shimmering lights. There were different constellations in Middang3ard. He didn’t recognize any of them. Even if people had been living in Middang3ard for thousands of years, he was still discovering it. He tried to push thoughts of Beth out of his mind.

  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to think of her, he just knew it wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Sitting around and freaking out about Beth wasn’t helping anyone.

  Besides, he was here with the Mundanes now. They’d all be with Beth soon enough.

  Sandy tossed a book over to Suzuki. He picked it up and read the title. Tome of The Holy Hand. “What’s this?” Suzuki asked.

  “Thought you might be a little interested in some more spells,” Sandy suggested. “It’s not as dry as some of the other books I got from the library.”

  “Thanks. I’ve been meaning to check out more magic stuff.”

  “And you should. Because you fight like a fighter, not a warrior-mage.”

  “And we already got a barbarian,” Stew said. “It was nice to have another fighter when Beth was here, but what we need is a fighter with some spell-slinging skills.”

  Suzuki held his hands up as if he could ward off the criticisms. “I didn’t know we were having a town hall tonight. I think I’ve been holding my own pretty well.”

  “No one’s saying you aren’t. Shit, you fight better than you ever did when we were playing. All me and Sandy are getting at is you need to be whipping that holy magic around more. You used to save the day with that shit before, with that and the plans. We’re just saying we know you can do it. We got faith in you, dude.”

  “Thanks. That means a lot coming from you guys.”

  “Who else would it come from?”

  “Point taken.”

  They talked a bit more through the course of their modest meal. The night was wearing on, heavy and tiresome. Sleep was starting to get at their eyes, and it was not long before Stew was dozing next to the fire, his head propped on his shield.

  Sandy was still awake, reading as usual, curled up next to Stew like a giant cat. Niv was by the fire, snoring softly. Suzuki struggled to keep his eyes open. They’d close and he’d open them, only for them to close again. They remained closed longer each time.

  Suzuki snapped awake. He was the only one sitting by the fire. He could hear giggling and whispering, and when he looked around the camp, he could see Stew and Sandy’s shadows silhouetted in their tent. Suzuki groaned as he stood, stretched, and tried to ignore the sound of skin slapping skin coming from the tent.

  He went to his own tent, zipped it behind himself, and cast an Alarm spell that should alert him of any attacks—not that he was expecting any.

  Safe and secure…and alone. Nothing was coming in, and nothing was going out. So Suzuki pulled up his HUD and looked through his book section. Sandy’s spellbook looked too boring since he was already tired. And there was that book that he had gotten from Oddities…

  Suzuki looked over his shoulder as if there could be someone watching him in his tent. Just a quick look, Suzuki said to himself. I don’t even know what kind of story I want to hear, so it’s not like I’m doing anything weird to begin with. Plus, it’s a story. I’m just listening to a story.

  The book flipped open. Suzuki stared down at the blank pages as a voice whispered quietly in his ear.

  “I’ve been waiting a long time for this, Suzuki.”

  It was Beth’s voice. Low and sultry. Just the softest of whispers. Then the book started to speak.

  Beth danced over to Suzuki, her body moving as if she had intimate control over every nerve. She sat next to him and rested her hand on his knee. She kissed him, her tongue lingering over his lips as her hands reached down to his stiffening—

  Suzuki unbuckled his pants. He looked out of his tent one last time. Stew and Sandy were still busy with each other. They wouldn’t even notice. He just had to be quiet and listen to the story playing in his ear. Suzuki lay back, closed his eyes, and let himself get caught up in the story.

  What the hell are you doing? Fred shouted.

  Suzuki jerked out from under his blanket as if someone had slapped him. He pulled up his pants and looked around the tent. Fred? he asked. What the fuck?

  Are you preparing to gratify yourself to that paltry sex tome?

  Gratify myself? What the fuck are you talking about?

  You know exactly what I’m talking about.

  Shit, get off my case. I was going to masturbate, all right? Is that what you wanted me to say?

  While your friends copulate a few feet away and you listen to a pathetic rendering of your love life?

  I didn’t know you were such a prude. People jack off and watch porn.

  While listening to their friends fucking?

  Okay, I’ll give it to you. That one is kinda weird.

  It is disturbing. Every time you…discharge…I have feelings of euphoria and happiness. It is…uncomfortable.

  Wait? Are you saying you cum when I cum?

  Just keep your hands off of yourself, you foul, talking primate!

  Suzuki sat in the silence of this disturbing news. He hadn’t really thought much about the extent to which Fred could feel what he felt. Fred never mentioned being in pain when Suzuki was. That said, he had mentioned more than a few times that he enjoyed the taste of some meals Suzuki had eaten, so it wasn’t a stretch to assume that he felt most of what Suzuki felt.

  You could at least use the book for something constructive instead of relieving your…physical needs.

  What do you mean? Suzuki asked.

  The book tells you stories based on what you like to hear and do. Granted, I understand your species has an unhealthy desire to…stimulate each other. But the book is only limited by what you choose to see. In essence, it has the potential to be a portal to many possibilities and is limited only by your own desires. It seems a waste to have such a powerful object be your designated jackoff tool.

  There’s nothing wrong with jacking off! But you do have a point.

  Suzuki turned to the book, closed his eyes, and focused. When he opened them, he saw ink forming on the blank pages. The ink took shape and became figures which morphed into illustrations of large-scale
battle tactics. Huh, he said. This could be useful. Suzuki took out the book of spells adept fighters could use that Sandy had given him and set it next to the magic tome from Oddities.

  I believe this is a much better use of your time, Fred said.

  Suzuki looked out of his tent again. Sandy and Stew had gone to sleep. He turned back to his books. Yeah, I think so too. But I’m still jacking off tonight. So you either need to check out for a little bit or figure out what you’re going to do.

  I will excuse myself.

  All right. Then I’ll hit the book.

  Filthy primate.

  11

  Suzuki struggled to get out of bed. He wasn’t sure what time it was, but he had slept horribly. Stew and Sandy had woken up a couple times throughout the night as well. The constant rustling of their tent had made it a little difficult to sleep.

  Sandy and Stew were already up, and Suzuki could hear their voices from outside the tent. He sighed, looked for his clothes, closed his books, and stumbled outside. The sun was bright and the air was crisp, full of the scent of wildflowers. Sandy was sitting next to the fire, reading. She looked up and nodded at Suzuki. That was all the good morning Suzuki was getting out of her.

  Stew was cooking eggs and bacon in a small cast iron skillet. “Figured a hearty breakfast would give us a good start. I dig the jerky but, I don’t want to be eating it for every meal. I made sure to pack a couple more things this time around.”

  Suzuki was immersed in the smell of breakfast. He felt drawn to the sizzling bacon. “I didn’t know you knew how to cook.”

  “You should just assume that I know how to do everything. I’m fucking amazing, remember? Just chalk the cooking up to that.”

  Sandy looked up from her book and levitated the percolator and a cup toward herself. “He’s actually surprisingly good at cooking. That’s how he got off of dish duty at the Red Lion.”

  Stew dumped some eggs and bacon onto a plate and handed it to Suzuki. “Yeah, Wendy said she could use an extra hand in the kitchen, and I jumped at it. I fucking hated dish duty. The worse part about the kitchen is listening to Wendy yell, but I guess that’s just working in a kitchen.”

  Suzuki took a bite of the eggs. They were cooked over-easy. He dipped his bacon in the runny yolk and sighed with satisfaction. “I haven’t had eggs like this in so long. Why do they taste so different than the Red Lion’s?”

  “’Cause these are actual chicken eggs. Earth chickens. I had to beg Wendy to let me take some. I think she hordes them all for herself.”

  Stew cracked a few more eggs and smirked at Suzuki.

  Suzuki finished his eggs, then got up and started breaking down his tent. Sandy continued reading while Suzuki finished tearing down his part of the camp.

  “So we’re heading farther east,” Suzuki said. “I think we still have two more days of riding. Maybe less, since we’re getting an earlier start than yesterday. Ready to get going?”

  Sandy waved her hand at her tent. The tent spikes flew out of the ground and placed themselves in a pile while the tent neatly folded itself up. “Ready whenever you are.”

  They went to untie their axbeaks. Sandy quickly mounted hers.

  Stew’s axbeak snapped at him, locked eyes, and ruffled its feathers. He reached out to try and pet the axbeaks’ head and the bird snapped again. “Sandy?” Stew asked. “How the hell did you get yours to like you?”

  “Dominance,” Sandy said.

  Suzuki had the same problem as Stew. He was circling his axbeak, and it looked like the bird wanted to fight. Obviously whatever bonding they had done the day before was out the window. The axbeak scratched at the ground like it was preparing to charge. Suzuki unsheathed his sword and knocked the axbeak in the face with the sword’s hilt. The axbeak shook it off but relented. Suzuki climbed on top of its back. “You just gotta give it a smack,” Suzuki shouted as he trotted off to catch up with Sandy.

  “It’s so cute though,” Stew shouted back. “How am I supposed to hit something so cute?”

  Suzuki and Sandy waited for ten minutes for Stew to finally decide to hit the axbeak in the face. It took three lunges, one tackle, and a gash in Stew’s thigh to force him to hit the bird. But when he hit it, he hit it hard. The axbeak instantly relented, and soon they were on their way.

  The Mundanes followed the path for the better part of the morning. Suzuki let Sandy led the way. She was obviously better at riding than Stew and him. Besides, the axbeaks seemed more inclined to follow Sandy than either him or Stew.

  Suzuki didn’t mind at all. It gave him a chance to sit back and enjoy the scenery. The green, sloping hills were particularly fascinating. They were covered with a variety of flowers. Butterflies blanketed the meadow, and it was easy to confuse them for flowers. Suzuki was struck with the urge to climb off his axbeak and go running through the meadow more than a handful of times, and in that way, at least, he could relate to why the axbeaks were constantly trying to get off the dirt road.

  Stew trotted up to Sandy and they started talking. Suzuki didn’t bother listening. He’d grown so used to their one-on-one chats that he’d come to look forward to them. It was just more time to run through things in his mind.

  Hey, Fred? Suzuki asked. Did you see any of those spells I was reading through last night?

  Unfortunately, I saw everything you did last night.

  I told you that you could go for a walk.

  I would prefer to stop speaking about this.

  Gotcha, you little perv. But you did read through the book with me?

  The spells seemed simple enough.

  Sweet. I want to try some of them when the time is right.

  I will help as I see fit. You also have a message on your HUD.

  Suzuki pulled up his HUD’s display. There was a message from an unnamed account. Suzuki didn’t know whether or not his HUD could get spam emails, but he figured it would be better to check the email.

  He opened it.

  The message was from Real_Deal, a player he had known back on Earth. Real_Deal had been one of the few Middang3ard players, or humans for that matter, who had taken the threat of the Dark One seriously. He had been theorizing over the purpose of the final Middang3ard expansion for months. Most people online had thought he was crazy. Suzuki initially had too. But he had a lot of good points about most of his theories.

  As it turned out, he had been right about Middang3ard and the MERCs.

  Earlier in the week, Suzuki had messaged Real_Deal, complaining about the area access issues he and the Mundanes were experiencing. He hadn’t heard back, and had assumed that Real_Deal was too caught up in his life in Middang3ard to respond.

  Yo, the message read. Click here. Encrypted chat. TTYS.

  Suzuki clicked the link in the message. His HUD downloaded the program, and another message popped up. What’s up, Newb? Real_Deal said.

  You gotta stop calling me that, Suzuki replied.

  Stop newbing it up then. What’s up? Your last message was filled with a lot of bullshit information.

  We’ve been trying to find Beth.

  I know that.

  But we can’t get close to her. We’re locked out of most of Middang3ard.

  Duh. Military does it to keep you from getting killed.

  But we aren’t military.

  Your HUDs are. The Military and the MERCs are closer than you think.

  Well, is there anything you can do to help us?

  Nope, the failsafe is pretty…you know, failsafe. You get transported out of an area if your percentages are too low.

  Yeah, I know. So you messaged me just to tell me that you can’t help me?

  Nope, I messaged you to give you something your whack ass might appreciate. Check it out.

  Real_Deal messaged Suzuki another link. He clicked it, and a program started downloading.

  So Middang3ard is all scoped out, Real_Deal said. It’s part of the military recon. They’ve got hundreds of satellites floating above the atmosphere to
help coordinate attacks on the Dark One’s forces. Pretty good ones too. The images are solid. Crisp. I figure you could probably put it to good use. Like I said, there are a lot of satellites, and they’re all named in code or another language or something. I didn’t really care to find out. It seemed like too much work. But you can start going through them and maybe find something. I’ve been taking a look here and there. Anyways, I gotta bounce. Duty calls. Talk to you later, Newb. Good luck.

  What duty?

  The message deleted itself, along with the messaging program. The only thing that was left on Suzuki’s HUD was the satellite viewer. Suzuki pulled it up.

  The program’s interface was bizarre. It took up the whole HUD. It looked like a 3D rendering of Earth projected onto another image of Middang3ard. There were patterns of broken lines streaming through each of the images. It looked like it might be satellite orbits. But Real_Deal had downplayed how many satellites there were. The map was practically covered with them. It was pretty obvious why Real_Deal hadn’t figured it out. He’d tended to lack the resolve for big projects.

  Suzuki clicked on one of the satellite feeds. Two images popped up onto his HUD. On the left, was the Grand Canyon. He wasn’t sure exactly where in the Canyon, but he recognized it from pictures. To the right was another image of the Grand Canyon. This one was in Middang3ard though. The canyon was filled with thousands of orcs. They stretched on throughout the entire canyon, their torches burning so that the canyon floor looked like it was host to a tiny city.

  Are you fucking serious? Suzuki thought. This is the Dark One’s army?

  No, Fred interrupted. This is a fraction of the Dark One’s army.

  How the hell did he get so many soldiers?

  No one knows for sure.

  Up ahead, Sandy cast a glance over her shoulder. She pulled her axbeak’s reins and slowed down. “Hey, Suzuki,” she called back. “You okay?”

  Suzuki hadn’t realized it, but he was trembling. He felt cold all over. The Dark One had more than an army.

  He had a fucking empire.