Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  I said, “It’s beginning to sound as if I should have sent Ruth instead. She would give that alien a run for his money.”

  Scotti said, “That’s odd, Boss. Our first thought was Mrs. Wilson. She’s at least as good as Ruth, and she has intuition.”

  I replied, “I might have gone along with that, if she weren’t pregnant, but as it is, I would have serious reservations.”

  Sally said, “That’s what we figured. The next best pilot we have records on is Morning Flower. We didn’t think you were ready to muddy the waters even further quite yet.”

  I asked, “You mean sending a Squatch to make contact on behalf of humans would be confusing, so we should only send humans and bots, for now?”

  Scotti said, “That’s what we thought. Were we wrong?”

  “Nope, I don’t think you were. Did they think they could slip back in without getting detected?”

  Scotti replied, “Taz has shut down everything he could think of that might make a signal that could be detected. Since they were finally able to lose the first alien they had contact with, he thinks that it should be good enough, but he said, ‘Murphy is our shepherd’, so I don’t think he’s entirely convinced it will be good enough.”

  I said, “So, their plan is to slip back in, sit around and record as many alien transmissions as they can, and slip back out to send them to us, so we can build them a translator, so that they would then be able to make contact?”

  Sally said, “That’s what they plan to do, yes, Boss. I’m not sure how much luck we’re going to have building them a translator, since the language is, by definition, totally alien.”

  I asked, “Do they have any idea what these folks are evolved from?”

  Sally replied, “If they do, they didn’t put it in the message. I don’t think they’ve been able to decode any video, to give them an idea what the aliens look like.”

  I said, “So, all we basically know at this point, is that the aliens are ahead of us in technology, and are playful, rather than hostile. Is that fairly close to an accurate summation?”

  Scotti said, “That was all we could get from what they said, Boss.”

  I said, “Well, if they have a lead in tech, we need to catch up. Gene, page Frank and Julie to the ready room. Give them transit priority.”

  Gene replied, “On it, Boss. Do you want me to reestablish privacy once they are inside?”

  I replied, “Yes, please.”

  It wasn’t very long before the door opened and Julie walked in, pulling Frank along. I asked, “How did you two get here so quickly?”

  Julie said, “Gene gave me a warning that we would probably be called in, so I was able to get Frank ready.”

  I said, “Hi, Frank. How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine, Bob. What are we in trouble for? Did we miss a deadline?”

  I said, “I’m not aware of any project you’re working that has a deadline, Frank. You’re not in trouble, I just need your input on a theoretical question that has come up.”

  Julie said, “See, Frank, I told you we weren’t in trouble. If the Boss was mad, we wouldn’t be waiting around to find out about it. We would know, and right now. He doesn’t play those games.”

  Frank said, “What sort of a question, then?”

  I said, “We were wondering if there was any way you could come up with a detector for the quantum signals a comm uses. I know eavesdropping is thought to be impossible, but could you tell that a comm was in use, even if you couldn’t decode the signal?”

  Frank went into a trance, staring off into the distance. Julie said, “Give him a minute. He’ll come back out of there with an answer. If you interrupt him, he won’t have anything to give you.”

  I said, “We’re not in any hurry, unless he’s gone for a whole day, or something.”

  Julie replied, “Usually not more than twenty minutes, but I have seen him go as long as an hour.”

  I took Scotti and went to the other side of the room. I said, “Those trucks you and Topper cooked up were a big hit. I think Charlie may be your biggest fan at this point.”

  Scotti said, “Keep telling yourself that, you may even get to believe it. I know good and well that you are my biggest fan, Boss.”

  I said, “Guilty as charged, Ma’am. How good is the stealth and FTL on that rig you and Ozzie cooked up for a Captain’s gig?

  She said, “The FTL drive is Frank’s latest stuff, fast as can be. You have the option of a drive flare or not, as you require. We did all we could on the stealth, but we really haven’t been doing any research into how to make that better. You’ll still lose emitters if you get too close to an active radar. We gave it more computing power, so that it can keep up with a rapidly changing background better, but we didn’t have any Frank magic to throw at it.”

  I replied, “You’re telling me that if I want to take a trip to Earth, the gig is perfectly capable of making the trip?”

  Scotti said, “Yes, Boss, but we’ll miss you.”

  I said, “I’m not leaving tonight, Scotti. I just wanted to know if the ship could make the trip.”

  Frank came out of his trance and said, “Boss, I think I see a way to do it, but I’ll need some time to do the math.”

  I replied, “That’s good enough for me, Frank. Get with Scotti when you’re ready to have some test hardware built.”

  He said, “Of course. She does a much better job than my cobbled-up messes. May I be excused, Boss? I’d like to get started while the ideas are still fresh.”

  I said, “Sure. Julie, make sure he gets where he needs to go. He looks fairly lost in thought.”

  Julie said, “On it, Boss.” They left. I asked, “You two need anything else?”

  Sally said, “No, Boss. Goodnight.”

  I said, “Goodnight.”, and left.

  I tried to slip into the cabin, but Nikki woke up. Apparently, I had been neglecting my training, because there was a great deal of practice required. Morning came entirely too soon, but at least it was only an ear lick this time, since Marcelle was still down on the planet with Steve. I got up and took care of what I needed to do, and we went to find the grass box. After Snitz got his morning problems dealt with, we headed to the galley. Veronica saw me coming. It was the first time I had been on the dangling end of a flying hug. She said, “Thank you, Boss. Sally says we’re shipping out in an hour or two. It’ll be so good to get back out among the wild stars.”

  Veronica set me down, and I said, “I’m glad you’re pleased. Have you met Phonelia?”

  “We were just getting acquainted when you walked up, Boss. Come and sit down.” I went with her, and said, “Good morning, Phonelia. Are you ready for another adventure?”

  She replied, “Well, Bob, I’d rather it wasn’t quite as exciting as the last one. I prefer not to be a damsel in distress who needs a daring rescue.”

  I said, “I’d prefer that, too. We might not make it in time. Have Mingus and Rangolus got you some good possibilities lined up?”

  Veronica said, “We have several planets to look at. We won’t know how good they are till we get there.”

  I said, “If you find anyplace that looks promising, but doesn’t already have a colony, make a note of the coordinates, and we’ll send a survey crew out later.”

  Phonelia said, “Of course. You don’t want us to land and have a look ourselves?”

  I said, “That went so well last time. I think you should get a complete environmental survey before you crack a hatch, regardless of how friendly the natives seem. Even more so on an uninhabited world.”

  Veronica said, “Noted, Boss. Murphy is our shepherd.”

  I said, “Exactly right. We didn’t come all the way out here just to find new and more horrifying ways to die.”

  Phonelia said, “You are such a ray of sunshine in the morning, Boss.”

  “I’m just trying to counteract your natural tendency to run off into danger without looking at the consequences.”

  Phonelia said,
“Okay, I deserve that. I don’t like it, but I deserve it.”

  Veronica said, “Having studied your records, I would say you do. At least, I will be along to make sure you get back.”

  Phonelia looked at me. “You know I’m old and set in my ways. Giving me a mouthy bot partner isn’t going to fix that.”

  I said, “Doesn’t hurt to try, does it?”

  “Are you sure you wouldn’t like to put me back in that cave in the Mojave?”

  I replied, “Some days, I surely would. Today isn’t one of them, though.”

  Phonelia said, “If you’re going to be that way about it, I suppose we better get to work. Those colonies aren’t going to find themselves. Let’s go, Veronica.”

  Veronica said, “See you later, Boss. Thanks again.”

  I said, “No problem. Fly safe, you two.”

  A bot brought some coffee out. She said, “What would you like for breakfast this morning, Captain?”

  I said, “Do we have any bacon or sausage left?”

  “Sorry, Sir. We used the last.”

  I said, “Well, then, how about an omelet?”

  “Sorry, Sir. Out of eggs, too.”

  I said, “No problem. My fault for not bringing anyone from logistics on this trip. I’ll have some of whatever we have. What should I call you, anyway?”

  She said, “I am DX-802, Sir.”

  I asked, “What is your specialty?”

  “I am a medbot, Sir. At present, I’m not needed in medbay, so I decided to fill in here.”

  I asked, “Would you accept a new designation? I’m terrible at remembering all these numbers.”

  She said, “Of course, Sir. It is an honor to receive a nickname from the Captain.”

  I asked, “Would you like to be called Dixie?”

  She replied, “Yes, Sir, I would.”

  I said, “Okay, Dixie, could I have some breakfast now?”

  “Of course, Boss.”

  She headed for the kitchen, and I got out my comm. “Good morning, Charlie.”

  He replied, “Good morning, Uncle Bob. What can I do for you?”

  “I found out that we’re missing a few things aboard ship. I’m thinking that could be a problem. I know the fellas are taking to raising cattle, do you think you could find anybody interested in raising chickens and pigs? I need someplace to stock up on bacon and eggs, and I don’t think landing the Gene in a Kroger parking lot back home is going to be the best way to do that.”

  Charlie said, “Nossir, not exactly what you would call a low profile, there, Uncle Bob. I think I know a few ladies who might be interested in raising a few hens for eggs. The pigs, that’s a whole ‘nother deal. I think you would probably be better off turning loose a few ferals, and hunting what you need. The fellas like a hunt with a little sport to it.”

  I said, “You know, and I know, there isn’t any such thing as a few ferals. If they don’t hunt ’em hard, they’ll tear the whole place up.”

  Charlie said, “These fellas get a taste of bacon, and you’ll have to be bringing a shipload of hogs out every other week. There ain’t nothing on legs they can’t catch.”

  I said, “If you’re sure, I’ll get Max started lining us up some stock. Chickens shouldn’t be a problem, but I don’t know how he can ship us feral hogs.”

  Charlie asked, “Would one of them nighty-night things work on a hog? Seems to me the easiest thing would be to stun the durn things and put one of those on while they were out. Getting ‘em loaded on a ship might be tough, but it beats trying to feed and water them for the whole flight.”

  I said, “That’s a good idea. Have they been hauling the beefalo awake, or asleep?”

  Charlie said, “Dangit, Uncle Bob, you caught me. I almost had you fooled that it was my idea. They started off hauling them awake, till one of them put a horn through the side of the ship, and they nearly lost the load to vacuum. Now they haul them asleep.”

  “I see. You haven’t changed much, have you?”

  “Didn’t see the need.”

  “Neither do I. I’ll talk to you later.”

  Charlie said, “Bye, Uncle Bob.”

  I commed Max. “Morning, Max.”

  Max replied, “It’s evening here, Bob. What can I do for you?”

  “Send Joanna home, and chill out a little?”

  Max said, “I sent her home already. Your wife already read me the riot act. You don’t have to repeat it.”

  I said, “Not why I called, anyhow. You know those beefalo shipments? Do you suppose you could work in a load of laying hens, and a few loads of feral pigs?”

  Max said, “Let me guess. You ran out of bacon and eggs for breakfast?”

  “We did.”

  Max said, “Wouldn’t it be easier to just run you out a shipload of whatever you need, rather than the livestock?”

  “Yes, it would, and thank you for offering, we’ll be expecting it, but I want to get a supply set up if we have to bug out. Running back to Earth after food and risking them catching us doesn’t sound like a good plan.”

  Max replied, “You could always learn to like ration packs.”

  “Now there’s a dilemma. Gitmo, and real food, or freedom and ration packs. I’ll have to think about that one.”

  Max said, “C’mon, Bob, they have all the essential nutrients. You’ll be fine.”

  I replied, “Personally, I’m convinced there is an intellect suppressing chemical in those things. How else could I have come up with so many things your scientists have missed?”

  Max said, “Hmm, I do seem to be thinking clearer since I moved to Earth, wait a minute, you were joking, weren’t you?”

  I said, “I was, but maybe we ought to have someone run an analysis, just to be sure.”

  “I’ll get you a shipload of supplies headed out. Anything else you need?”

  I said, “Call Sally, she’s more in touch with the day-to-day running of the ship. I wouldn’t doubt she has a list of things we are short on, to bring up the next time we have a meeting. What about the hogs and hens?”

  “I’ll get in touch with Uncle Rangolus. He’s been handling all the livestock for us.”

  I said, “Sounds good. One problem taken care of, and I haven’t even finished breakfast. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a busy day.”

  Max said, “I’ll let you get back to it, then.”

  I said, “Bye, Max. Hope to see you soon.”

  I had just dug into the plate of hash Dixie brought me, when my comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Captain, I’m on guard at the smoker. The locals are lined up wanting some jerky. What should I do?”

  “Do you have enough to go around?”

  The Marine answered, “No, Sir, I do not. There are about half again as many locals as jerky pieces.”

  I said, “Do you have a way to mark the locals without harming them?”

  “Yes, Sir. We have a marking dye that fades after about eight hours.”

  I said, “Here’s what you do, Marine. Break the pieces in half, as evenly as you can, and give each person a half piece, if, and only if, they agree to be marked, so they can’t get a second piece.”

  “Good plan, Sir. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Call me if you have any trouble.” I hung up and commed Abe. “Morning, Captain. What can I do for you?”

  I said, “One of your troops just broke chain of command. He called me to find out what to do about having more locals than he did jerky. Shouldn’t that have come through you?”

  Abe said, “I see where you’re confused, Sir. He should have mentioned he called me first and I bumped it up to you.”

  “Not a problem, Abe. I just wanted to make sure things are working like they should.”

  Abe said, “Boss, no offense, but are you sure you’re human? I’ve never worked with a human who would think twice about chain of command, if he wanted to get something done.”

  I said, “Pure shaved ape, as far as I know. I just want to keep
things running smooth.”

  Abe replied, “However you do it, thanks for your consideration, Boss. You need anything else?”

  I said, “Can’t think of anything. Have you heard from Andre?”

  Abe replied, “The new town is going up quickly. He talked Scotti out of some more epoxy machines. He’s to the point he would need more bots to go any faster. He thinks he can finish up by tomorrow afternoon.”

  “You guys are amazing. Sure am glad you’re around. Talk to you later.”

  Abe said, “Bye, Boss.”

  I finished my breakfast. I was about to comm Sally and see if we needed to meet before I headed down to the planet, when she came over the speaker, obviously trying to sound calm, and almost doing it. “Captain Wilson to the bridge please. Captain Wilson to the bridge please. The transit across the hallway opened on its own. I ran for it, Snitz following closely. The door closed right behind us, and we were moving almost before it did. The door opened again, and we were already at the bridge, we ran out, and across to the bridge. As I came through the door, Topper started to announce me. I cut him off with, “As you were”. I asked, “What’s up, Sally?”

  She said, “Drive flash in the outer system, Sir. No transponder at this time.”

  I said, “I have the conn. Sensors, what do you have?”

  He replied, “Drive flash closely resembles a Patrol cruiser, other than that, not much, Sir.”

  I said, “Bill wants to play games. Helm give me a jump that will bring us out in front of that ship. Topper, I want the light show again, all you can give me without hurting the ship.”

  Ruth had the helm, and she said, “Jump laid in, Boss. On your order.”

  Topper said, “All set here, Boss.”

  I said, “Jump!”

  I’ll have to go back over the recording of what came over the comms when we came out of FTL. My knowledge of Galactic cusswords is obviously lacking. I caught a few snagfarts, but the rest was over my head. Finally, they settled down and said, “Bob, is that you? What are you flying? That thing is huge.” I pressed the mute. “How long to scramble fighters, Sally?” She said, “I already called the alert. They are ready to launch on your command.”

  I said, “Gene, launch fighters. Set me a new record.”