Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  Jane said, “Occupant? We have a live alien aboard?”

  Zoom said, “He, or she, is in what appears to be their equivalent of an autodoc. Since we can’t read the writing, we have no idea how to safely wake the occupant up.”

  I asked, “You’ve already watched the video?”

  Zoom said, “I’ve been studying the control panel, trying to find something recognizable for Sally to use for a translation key. So far, no luck.”

  Sally brought up a view of the control panel. It definitely had labels, but the script wasn’t like anything we had seen before. I said, “I see what you mean. The controls look vaguely familiar, but I wouldn’t risk any money on which one is which. Has Ruth looked at these yet?”

  Sally said, “No, Boss. Do you think she should?”

  I replied, “I think she has a better chance of figuring out a control panel than anybody else on board except for Nikki, and we can’t show it to her.”

  Jane asked, “Because she would have to report it to the Guide?”

  I said, “Yep. Gene, can you page a relief pilot to the bridge, and ask Ruth to step in, once she is relieved?”

  Gene said, “On it, Boss.”

  I said, “Sally, while we’re waiting for Ruth, can you show us what the fella in the box looks like?”

  Sally asked, “Are you assuming the occupant is male?”

  I replied, “Out on an adventure, a long ways from home, I would think male is probably the way to bet, but mostly, I’m just tired of saying ‘the occupant’.”

  John said, “The lower part of the face is prominent, compared to ours.”

  Jane mused, “Look at those teeth. I’d have to think this fella is descended from a rodent, or rodent equivalent.”

  John said, “The ears are prominent, as well. Almost makes you think of a squirrel, doesn’t it?”

  I said, “Oh no! You’re telling me that we’ve found the real-life Secret Squirrels?”

  Zoom laughed. She said, “I think you’re right, Boss. They’re not just a myth anymore. We have proof.”

  John said, “If you two are through joking? We would need to see more of his physique to tell if he is descended from a tree-dwelling, or ground-dwelling animal, but given our own evolutionary history, as much as I hate to admit it, I think Bob is probably close to right. A squirrel, or squirrel equivalent, is probably our guest’s ancestor.”

  Gene said, “Ruth is here, and Scotti is also requesting entrance.”

  I said, “Kill the display, until we have security again. Let them in, Gene.”

  The door opened, allowing Ruth and Scotti to enter. Ruth asked, “What’s up, Boss?”

  I said, “One moment, Ruth.”

  Gene said, “The lodge is tiled, Boss.”

  I looked at Ruth. “Sally is going to show you some images of a control panel labeled in an unknown language. We need you to see if you can figure out which controls are which, so that we can begin deciphering the language. You mustn’t mention what you see here to anyone.”

  Ruth replied, “Understood, Boss. Secret Squirrel stuff.”

  Zoom lost it, and I was laughing too. When Jane giggled, that was the last straw for John, and he was laughing, too. Ruth asked, “What did I say?” Sally had to answer, since none of the rest of us was in any shape to. She said, “As near as we can tell, the race who built this control panel is most probably descended from something related to a squirrel. At this point in time, we need to keep it tippy-top secret. So, you see, calling it Secret Squirrel stuff was quite amusing to the peanut gallery.”

  Ruth giggled, “Yes, I can see how that is funny.” She sat down to study the control layout. I turned to Scotti. “What do you have?” She said, “If I was human, I’d have a headache. I’ve never seen anything like the drive setup on that ship. I can’t even get started on how it works.” I straightened up and said, “May I have your attention, please? I have a command decision to make, and I’d like some input from those present.” Everyone looked up from what they were doing. I went on, “Scotti is unable to figure out how the drive on the alien ship works. The only way I see to make any progress on this front, is to read Frank in on the entire project. Does anyone have thoughts?”

  Jane asked, “Has he given us reason to doubt his loyalty?”

  I said, “No, he hasn’t, but his work habits do sometimes cause him to conceal things he should tell us. I wouldn’t have assigned Julie to take care of him if I were sure of his ability to take care of himself. I have yet to hear of his lab leaking secrets, however.”

  Sally asked, “Do you think he will be able to get results where Scotti has failed?”

  I replied, “I don’t know. I do know he is the only person aboard who might have a shot at it, if Scotti can’t make any progress.”

  Zoom spoke up. “You want to read him in, because you think he might be able to help Scotti figure out how the drive works. You don’t think he’s a security risk, but you want to keep this information down to as small a pool of people as you can. You’re asking us if we think the chance of Frank figuring out the drive is worth the risk of having more people knowing about the aliens.”

  I replied, “That’s it, yes. There’s also deeper stuff at play. I think Frank has an inkling that those signals he found have some kind of intelligent origin. I don’t know how he will react to having those suspicions confirmed. Besides, we don’t know for sure that the fellow in the box is from the same race as the signals that Taz and Willum are chasing.”

  John said, “When did you quit shaving with Occam’s Razor, Bob? We found an alien, Taz found an alien, and you’re not convinced they’re from the same race? What are you basing that on?”

  I replied, “The race that Taz is investigating has known that we were here for a long time, and as far as we know, they haven’t tried to make contact. Now we find an alien deep in our territory. The two behaviors don’t seem to match up, do they?”

  Jane said, “I see what you mean, Bob, but our guy could be the Marco Polo of his race. Just because most of his race doesn’t like to explore, it certainly doesn’t mean none of them do.”

  Sally said, “I don’t think we know enough to decide whether or not the two events are related. Maybe Frank could shed some light on that, if he can find some device aboard that uses that new radiation he’s been tracking.”

  I said, “We’re not going to make any headway like this. Frank may be able to help. Let’s read him in.”

  Gene said, “Paging Frank and Julie, aye, Sir.”

  Ruth said, “I’m sorry, Boss. There are just too many things about this control board I can’t be sure about. I‘m having trouble figuring it out.”

  I asked, “We don’t need you to hop in and fly the thing, Ruth. We just need to know what some of the controls are, to try and decipher the language. Sally could tell you for sure, but I’m thinking if you could narrow a control down to two or three options, it would be better than what they’re working with now. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just good enough to give them a little boost figuring out the language.”

  Ruth said, “I think I can do that, Boss. At least narrow down the possibilities.”

  Gene said, “Incoming.” The door opened, and Julie led Frank in. I said, “No, Frank, you’re not in trouble. Matter of fact, it’s your lucky day. We’ve decided to read you in on the stuff we’ve had you working on.”

  Julie said, “I keep telling you, if the Captain is mad, you won’t have to guess. He will make it plain to you. If he politely asks you to come to the ready room, he has a job for you.”

  Frank looked embarrassed, and said, “I’m sorry, Captain. Every other place I’ve worked, getting called to see the Boss was a bad thing. It’s hard to get used to your way of doing things.”

  I said, “I didn’t mean to make you upset, it’s just that we were all set up here, and it was easier to bring you here than for all of us to pick up and move.”

  Frank said, “I will get the hang of working here. I love this place,
learning how to deal with a different management style is a small price to pay for all this.”

  I said, “Sit here, and let Sally fill you in on what is going on. If you have questions for me, I’ll be here someplace.”

  I sat with John and Jane and asked, “Any idea what that control panel for the autodoc means?”

  Jane said, “We’re both convinced that if it becomes necessary to try and wake him, we are going to press this button here and hope for the best. It looks very much like the emergency wake button on our autodocs. Beyond that, we’re just guessing.”

  I said, “Record what you think are your best guesses, and send them along to Sally. One of them might turn out to be the Rosetta Stone. At least we have enough computing power to go down a bunch of blind alleys, hoping to find our way home.” I watched as they debated, never really settling on many answers. Soon enough, Sally said, “Okay, Boss, he’s up to date. What now?”

  I replied, “Scotti, show him your scanner readings, see if anything rings a bell.” Scotti sat down and went through everything she knew about the ship in quarantine. Frank started asking her questions, then mumbling to himself, and then asking more questions. I noticed Julie was hovering, paying attention. I asked her, “What’s up?”

  She said, “I’m recording what Frank says, in case he forgets something later. When he is learning something new, like he is right now, he has so many thoughts that he doesn’t always remember what he thought of. If he has a record to go back over, it saves him trying to recall what he was thinking.” I said, “Good work.”, and left her to it. Zoom waved me over. She asked, “Boss, have you ever seen anything like these fasteners? They’re not screws, but I don’t quite get what they are.” I said, ”Zoom, you’re in luck. I happened to hang around a garage when I was a kid, and there was an old hot-rodder there who had a belly tank car put together with those. Of course, we’re out in the galaxy, so righty-tighty, lefty-loosey may not apply, but those are quick release fasteners. Not as popular as they once were.”

  Zoom asked, “Quick release? How do you get them loose?”

  I said, “A quarter turn and they fall right out. You have to have the right shaped tool to get a grip on them, of course.”

  She asked, “I guess I’m being slow today. Why would you use one of these instead of a screw?”

  I pointed to her scan. “See that spring that holds it in? That keeps it from being able to back out under vibration. They were also popular on panels that had to be removed regularly.”

  She said, “This whole ship is put together with them. What do you think that means?”

  I looked over some of her other scans. “I don’t know. The chairs don’t look like they’re designed to handle a great deal of vibration, so my guess would be these folks just like to tinker. Could be that’s why this fella is so far from home. Got out testing his new mods and broke a part he didn’t have a spare for. Not like he could walk down the block to SaucerZone and pick one up.”

  Zoom thought about that for a second, and asked, “You mean Rock Saucer doesn’t deliver out here?”

  I replied, “It’s considered a remote area. The shipping is ridiculous.”

  We both giggled, and John said, “What are you two laughing at?”

  I said, “Just being silly, because we’ve gotten about as far as we can go without being able to read some of these labels. All we’ve figured out is that our squirrelly friend must like to tinker, since the whole interior of his ship is put together with quick-release fasteners.” Frank’s tone changed, and we all looked around to see what had happened. He was head down over the terminal built into the desk, working furiously on something. Julie and Scotti were helping him, and he appeared to be okay. Ruth was still working on figuring out the control panel. I motioned to everyone else that it was time to leave. Once we were outside, I said, “Gene, maintain privacy in the ready room until they finish, please.”

  Gene said, “Sure, Boss.”

  John said, “That was interesting. See you later, Bob.”

  I said, “Later.” They all grabbed a transit, so Snitz and I followed Sally onto the bridge. Topper started to announce me, but I just waved him off. Sally asked, “Are you taking the conn, Sir?”

  I replied, “No, go ahead. I just wanted a status report.” Topper looked at Sally and said, “You have the conn, Ma’am.” Then he looked at me and said, “It was a dull night, Boss. You already know about all the excitement we have had.”

  I asked, “How are Ace and his crew progressing on cleaning up the rest of the castaways?”

  Topper replied, “I don’t have a report from him, but judging by what they’ve already gotten done, and what they have left, I would expect them to be done this afternoon sometime.”

  I asked, “Do you know if Max was able to get a global survey back home?”

  “Yes, Boss, he was. Would you like to see it?”

  “That won’t be necessary. Based on what they’ve accomplished here, how long would it take Ace’s crew to clean up all the castaways on Earth?” Topper froze up a second, running some calculations. He said, “Three days, give or take. The need to do the work at night, and avoid detection, will slow them down some, but it shouldn’t be much longer than that.”

  I asked, “How badly would that show up on the spy satellites?”

  “Well, Boss, Mrs. Wilson developed a hack for this sort of situation, which will keep the satellites from reporting anything. It replaces the incriminating evidence with old images of the same region. She had me go over the results, and I wasn’t able to find the seams between the live feed and the recorded image.”

  I asked, “Can we hack their systems for three days straight without making them suspicious?”

  “Probably not, but we can keep them from having any data to act on.”

  Sally spoke up. “Ace has been working with Ruth on rescue operations. She’s good enough now that she could fly a second ship and cut the time in half.”

  I asked, “Would it be possible to train enough crews to have each ship make only one trip?”

  Topper looked at Max’s scans, and then he looked over what ships we had aboard. He said, “If we had six crews, we could get everything Mr. Slongum has found in one run. Three saucers per ship, except for Ace and Hopper, who would have to go after the one target that is actually a ship.”

  I asked, “Do we have something big enough to recover the ship that has stealth, or are they going to have to sneak in without it?”

  Sally said, “Scotti is out of communication. I’ll ask Zoom.”

  She froze for a moment while she talked with Zoom. When she came back, she said, “Zoom says we have a ship she can rig for the rescue, and she has enough stealth emitters to go on it. She wants to know if you would like her to proceed.”

  I replied, “Tell her to go ahead, we’ll need it eventually.”

  Topper asked, “What about training rescue pilots?”

  I asked, “Will that run the bots involved low on memory they need for other skills?”

  “No, Boss. We all have way more memory than we need for what we’re doing now.”

  I asked, “Can we do the training without affecting readiness for fighter crews?”

  Topper replied, “If we cycle them through training one at a time, we can still launch all the fighters if we need to.”

  I said, “Do it.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  I asked, “Tex, do we have enough Marines to crew that many recovery missions at the same time?”

  Tex replied, “Just barely, Boss.”

  I said, “It’ll be short missions. Maybe we could get some local volunteers to fill out the crews, leave us more reserve.”

  Tex said, “If we use one Sasquatch per crew, we would have plenty of people.”

  I asked, “Andre’s crew will be ready to fly tomorrow night, correct?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “Topper, can you have the pilots trained in two days?”

  “Yes, Boss.”
/>   “Sally, can Zoom have enough ships ready for this operation in two days?”

  Sally replied, “Yes, Boss. When are we leaving for home?”

  I said, “At the very least, we have to wait for Andre to finish the second village. After that, I don’t know. Right now, I think I’m going to head to the galley. I need to fuel up, if this afternoon is going to be as interesting as this morning was.”

  Snitz and I left the bridge and headed for the galley. I felt the need for a little exercise, so we walked instead of taking the transit. I managed to wander through the ship without getting lost, which I thought was a step in the right direction. Sam stepped out of a compartment as we were passing by. “Hello, Captain. Can I help you with something?”

  I said, “No, Sam. I’m just wandering around, trying to learn the ship. If I’m running the thing, I ought to be able to find my way around, don’t you think?”

  Sam replied, “I suppose it would work better that way. I was just finishing up some preventive maintenance, mind if I walk with you?”

  I said, “Not at all. I was just heading to the galley, to see if I could get around some lunch before the next round of fun starts.”

  Sam asked, “What’s on the agenda for this afternoon?”

  I said, “There’s an agenda? I just deal with stuff as it comes up. Find somebody who knows how to solve the problem and turn them loose. I fell into this job, and I’m trying to figure it out before something serious comes up.”

  Sam said, “If this is you fumbling, trying to figure out your job, I hope I’m here to see it when you get your feet under you. That should be something.”

  “So, you don’t want to go ashore, even though they’ve got a nice, new village to live in?”

  Sam replied, “I’d like to be that guy, who can settle down and run a farm, but I’m not. I belong out here in the black.”

  “Scotti says you’re doing well. You’re welcome here as long as you want. I’ve got a question, while we’re talking. When the Patrol got you folks out of that base you were using on the Moon, did they go ahead and destroy the place, or leave it, since it was in such bad shape?”