Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  Rhonda spoke up. “I got way behind while I was sick. Mom’s been homeschooling me, trying to help me get caught up.”

  I said, “Topper will love that. He hasn’t gotten to sit in the big chair hardly at all since Sally woke up. We’ll sic her on you, she’ll get you squared away.”

  Rhonda got a confused look. “What do you mean, sit in the big chair?”

  I replied, “Oh, Sally runs the ship while I’m out taking care of visitors and so forth.”

  Rhonda looked at her mom. “Mom, he’s going to sic his First Mate on me. I’m scared.”

  Gail said, “You know Bob wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, Rhonda. Besides, you’re not even that convincing. Do you really think you’re going to fool Bob with that cheesy game? Step it up, or don’t bother. From what Rena says, Bob knows more tricks than you.”

  Nikki said, “Listen to your mother. You keep trying to run that stuff on him, he’s liable to put you to work. No telling what he might have you doing.”

  I said, “I hear the Micks need somebody to clean up the empty cells, now that we got rid of that load of transients.”

  Gail asked, “Micks?”

  Nikki replied, “The bots who are the local cops. They all had designations starting with MK, so Bob says, ‘I can’t remember all those numbers. You’re all a bunch of Micks.’ So, he gave them Irish names.”

  Gail said, “Things do just happen, when Bob’s around, don’t they?”

  I said, “Sometimes I even get a say.”

  Rhonda asked, “How do you mean?”

  I replied, “Do you think I wanted all our ships to be BS this and BS that? Somebody already had it going before I even thought about it.”

  Gail asked, “What does the BS stand for, anyway?”

  Nikki answered, “Bob’s Ship.”

  We loaded up, and I gave them the tour. No, not launch bay four, and not the main guns. They hadn’t scanned the ship once they were aboard, so they didn’t know what they were missing. When we had seen most of the ship, I asked, “Are you two hungry? I didn’t even think about you probably being on a different schedule than us.”

  Gail said, “I could eat. It was almost mealtime when we landed.”

  I said, “Let’s drop your gear off, and I’ll take you to the galley. Selection isn’t great right now, but by supper, they should have some variety again. Gene, where should I put these folks?”

  Gene came over the intercom. “Follow the lights, Sir.” Rhonda said, “Who’s Gene?”

  Nikki said, “He’s the artificial intelligence that runs the ship. If you’re ever lost, or need something, just call for Gene. He’ll take good care of you.” We dropped off their bags at a cabin just down the hall from ours. Nikki showed them where our place was, in case they needed to find us. Then I took them to the galley. Dixie said, “Back already, Captain?”

  I replied, “I’ve got a couple of weary travelers who need something to eat. That fine sandwich you fed me a while ago is holding up just fine, thanks.” I turned and pointed out the Whites. “Gail, Rhonda, this is Dixie. She’s a medbot, when she has people to work on. Dixie, these are Gail and Rhonda White. They’ll be aboard for a few days. If they get underfoot, feel free to put them to work.”

  Dixie said, “Yes, Boss. Pleasure to meet you both.”

  Gail said, “Pleasure to meet you as well, Dixie. Did he say you are a medbot?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, I am. We have few humans aboard, and nearly all of them stay healthy. If it wasn’t for Greg and his skinned knees, I’d be bored to tears.”

  Gail replied, “That’s so different from back home. I’m a nurse, and it seems like I’m on the run all the time.”

  Dixie said, “A nurse, you say? Would you mind coming with me after you eat? I’ve got to wake a patient out of the autodoc, and I’d like a human there for emotional support.”

  Gail said, “Of course, I’ll help. I thought you said the crew were all healthy. What happened?”

  Dixie said, “Mrs. Wilson, could you possibly explain that one for me? I’m not well versed in how to say that sort of thing gently.”

  Nikki said, “Yes, I can do that for you. Janet was the victim of an assault. The perpetrator has already met with justice, but she may still have some lingering trauma.”

  Rhonda asked, “What kind of assault?”

  I said, “The kind you don’t need to worry about. The man who did it won’t bother anyone else. Could we talk about something else, please?”

  Nikki said, “Yes, let’s. Did you have a good trip out?”

  Rhonda said, “It was kinda cramped, with the ship so full of supplies, but it was nice. Our pilot said it used to be a longer trip, but you’ve come up with new tech?”

  I said, “Not us, personally, but some of the folks working for the company have made some improvements.”

  Nikki said, “Improvements? No drive shock is a big deal, Caveman. Not to mention the speed increases she’s talking about.”

  I said, “Frank and Scotti have done a lot in a short time. I wonder what they’ll come up with next.”

  Gail and Rhonda finished their meal and took off with Dixie. Nikki asked, “You okay, Caveman?”

  I replied, “I think so. I just didn’t want to have to tell them I spaced a man for raping that little girl. I know it was the right thing to do, and I was the one who had to do it, but I’m not okay with it yet.”

  Nikki replied, “I’m sure that Jane and Dingus will be more careful doing their job interviews from now on.”

  I said, “I’m not sure it would have helped. I think he might have been a psychopath. He wouldn’t have had a tell even if they had asked him the right question.”

  “What are you saying, Caveman?”

  “I’m saying that I don’t know if we can totally prevent this kind of thing, no matter how careful we are.”

  Nikki said, “You might be right, but his interviews were all focused on his need for alcohol, not anything to do with this.”

  “I guess you could be right. I hope you are.”

  “Me too. How are we going to get your mind off this?”

  “I dunno. Wanna take the Gig and have a look at Shaved Ape Key?”

  Nikki replied, “Yes. Let’s get out of here for a bit.”

  We went to the transit. I put in our destination as launch bay two. A voice asked, “Password?” I answered, “Swordfish.” The voice asked, “How can I be sure?” I answered, “Nuke ‘em from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.” The transit started moving. I said, “That’s new.”

  Nikki replied, “It is. Sounds like Topper, though.”

  I said, “I wouldn’t put it past Scotti.”

  We arrived and went aboard Ozzie’s Toy. Nikki opened the comm to the bridge. “B. S. Ozzie’s Toy, requesting permission to launch. The Captain is leaving the ship for a short excursion.”

  Sally came back over the comm, “Ozzie’s Toy, permission granted. Fly safe, Boss.” Nikki eased us out onto the catapult and requested a boost. We were squirted out, and she pointed us toward Charlie’s Planet. She said, “FTL in three, two, one.” The planet appeared in front of us, and she dove for Shaved Ape Key. The radio came to life. “Unidentified ship. This planet is off-limits. Abort your approach.” I grabbed the mike and said, “This is the B. S. Ozzie’s Toy. We are authorized to be here, and you couldn’t catch us if we weren’t. Get over yourself, Wet Bobcat.” There was a silence of several seconds, and then the speaker erupted with, “Challenge accepted, Bawb! Let’s see what you’ve got.”

  Nikki said, “That’s my Caveman, making friends wherever he goes.”

  I replied, “You know this thing will outrun one of those fighters. If I read the specs right, it’ll almost turn with them. Are you saying you’re not as good a pilot as Wet Bobcat, Space Cadet?”

  “Dang you, Bob! Hang on!” We were unpleasantly surprised to learn that Wet Bobcat had a wingman. Wingwoman? WingSquatch? At any rate, Nikki managed to outfly both of them, even though it was a near
thing. I noticed that the wingman was, if anything, better than Wet Bobcat. My suspicions were confirmed a minute or two later, when we heard Morning Flower’s voice over the radio. “Break it off, Wet Bobcat. Bawb is many things, but he is not this good a pilot. We are flying against Nee-kee, and we have no chance.” Wet Bobcat came back, “I think you are correct, Morning Flower. Returning to patrol.” I sent, “Thanks for the exercise, ladies.” Nikki slowed down and headed for the key. We came over the village that was already occupied, nice and slow. Milly and her Grandma were breaking ground for a garden. They waved, and Nikki waggled the ship in response. Milly waved us in, and Nikki was careful to land away from the garden spot. We unstrapped and went out to meet them. Grandma said, “Howdy, Captain. What brings you here?”

  I replied, “Just out trying out the new ship. How are you liking the new place?”

  “I like it pretty good. Just trying to get some garden in.”

  I said, “I bet Charlie would come and plow that up for you, if you was to ask.”

  She said, “Just what I need, young Chaw-lee sniffing around my Milly.”

  I asked, “Did he do something he hadn’t ought to have?”

  Grandma said, “Not yet, but you know how them young bucks are. Ain’t but one thing on their minds.”

  I said, “Charlie has always struck me as a well brought-up kind of a feller. I think you could do worse than to give him a chance.”

  She looked me in the eye. “You could be right, Mr. Wilson. I just have a hard time trusting the male of the species.”

  I replied, “With good reason, I would think.”

  Grandma said, “Even when I try to get aggravated at you, Bob Wilson, you come out with something reasonable, and put my fire right out.”

  Milly said, “Grandma, you know Captain Wilson is trying to help.”

  “I know that with my head, girl. My gut still tells a different story.”

  Nikki said, “So, you like it here alright?”

  Grandma said, “I do. It’s calm, and peaceful. Beats where we used to be all to pieces. We’ve got some work to do, to get it set up to suit us, but it’s not anything we can’t handle. That indoor plumbing is a wonder.”

  I said, “Yes, Ma’am, it is. Beats an old, cold outhouse, that’s for sure.”

  She asked, “So what brings you two to our neck of the woods?”

  I said, “I had a rough morning. Decided it was time to get away for awhile.”

  Grandma said, “We heard. Janet called Milly and told her about it. You done right, Captain, much as it pains me to say it.”

  Nikki asked, “Why does it pain you?”

  Grandma said, “Because he’s a man, and I’ve spent a long time thinking that anything a man did had to be wrong. Captain Wilson here is making me think maybe I could have been wrong, and I don’t much like that feeling.”

  Nikki replied, “How do you think I feel when a dang primitive comes up with solutions to problems the Commonwealth has had for hundreds of years? He’s just an annoying kind of guy. Why do you think so many people call him asshole?”

  I could see where this was going. I went and picked up Grandma’s hoe and got to work. No need to listen to how horrible a person I was. Milly came and helped me, she said, “You know they’re just blowing off steam, don’t you?”

  I asked, “I do. That doesn’t mean I have to listen, does it.”

  She replied, “No, Captain, I don’t suppose it does. Do you think my Grandma will ever get used to being around men again?”

  I said, “Well, I’m not smart enough to know about that. She’s had a lot of bad things done to her, for a long time. If she does get over it, it’s going to take some time. It’s one thing to know in your head that it was mostly the chemicals in the air that caused all that. It’s a whole nother deal to believe it in your heart.”

  Milly asked, “Is there anything I could do to help her?”

  I said, “I think you’re doing it. Just be with her and be patient. She’ll figure it out, or she won’t. Pushing her isn’t gonna help a thing.”

  “Thanks, Captain, for all you’ve done for us.”

  “You’re welcome. If you ever decide you want to head back into the black, I think Zoom and Nunya can find you a spot.”

  Milly said, “I think I need to be here, at least till Grandma gets back to herself.”

  “Family first. I got no quarrel with that.” Nikki came over to us, and asked, “What mischief are you two cooking up?”

  I said, “Just trying to figure out the best place to plant the marijahoochie, Ma’am.”

  Nikki replied, “Why would you think they would need any of that?”

  I replied, “Furthering Milly’s musical career, of course. ‘Granny won’t you smoke some, Granny won’t you smoke some.’”

  It was the first time in a while I had seen Nikki go for her watch to look something up. When she looked up, she said, “You’re incorrigible.”

  I replied, “You should quit incorriging me.”

  Milly said, “You two are silly. I sure am glad I learned English. I’d hate to miss out on all this.”

  Nikki asked, “You about ready to go, Caveman?”

  I said, “I might as well finish this up, while I’m here. We don’t have anything too pressing this afternoon, do we?”

  She replied, “No, I don’t suppose we do. Come and get me when you need a ride. Milly’s Grandma is going to show me around the village.”

  “Okay. Have fun.”

  Once they were gone, Milly said, “The video of the trial is Grandma’s new favorite. I think she’s watched it three or four times already. She just can’t believe you punished that man for what he did to Janet.”

  I said, “I couldn’t have that kind of thing going on aboard ship. I know where you used to live, things were different, but that’s how it is on my ship, and how it should be everywhere.”

  Milly must have hit a dusty place. Her eyes watered a little. She said, “Thanks again, Captain, for getting us out of there, and bringing us here.”

  I said, “I hope to get the rest of them off that planet, as soon as we can find a better place for them to live.”

  She asked, “Do you really think they will change, when they aren’t breathing that contaminated air anymore?”

  “I think they will have a chance to. Whether they take it or not is up to them.”

  We kept at it till we had the sod off of the patch they had laid out. Milly asked, “Should I get the seeds?”

  “Sure.” I started making rows. It had been long enough since I had put in a garden, I had to look up a few things, but we got it put in, with the empty seed packages at the ends of the rows, so they could tell what was where. When that was finished, Milly asked, “Is there anything else we should do?”

  I replied, “It would be a good idea to water the seeds a little, not too much, and we should probably build a trellis for those cucumbers, so they don’t take over the whole garden.” She found a can, and I found an ax to cut some stakes. Once we had the plants watered, and the stakes in, we found some twine to run between the stakes, for the vines to cling to. Nikki and her Grandma showed up not too long after that, catching us relaxing with a cool drink. Grandma said, “I knew once we were out of sight, you would quit working.”

  I replied, “Yes, Ma’am, we did. After we finished the garden, we didn’t know what else you wanted done.”

  “You mean you got all the sod cut loose and out of the way?”

  I said, “Go look for yourself.” She came back around the house, stunned. “You finished it all! Even built a trellis for my cucumbers to climb on. What’s the catch? Are you taking Milly back to the ship?”

  I said, “No, Ma’am. She said she wants to stay here with you. I ain’t taking nobody anywhere they don’t want to go, unless it might be some crazy old granny lady that don’t know what’s good for her.”

  She chewed on that one for a minute. Then she said, “I guess I deserved that, didn’t I?”


  I said, “Maybe a little.”

  She replied, “More like a boatload. You haven’t been anything but good to me and mine. Just walking around here, seeing all the girls healed up, and able to take care of themselves, well, it’s a miracle. I should be thanking you up one side and down the other, but I just can’t seem to quit fussing at you. It ain’t right, Captain, and I know it.”

  I replied, “You’ve been through a lot. Give yourself some time to get past all that’s happened. A lot of things have changed for you. Don’t expect to get used to it all at once. I’m still not used to any of it. A few months ago, I was lonesome, and not expecting that to change. Now I have a beautiful wife, and two kids on the way. I didn’t expect to ever get off Earth, and now look at me. You can’t get used to big changes right away. Do what you can, and hopefully, that’s good enough.”

  Granny looked at me, and said, “There ain’t no way you’re old enough to be so wise. What’s your secret?”

  “I listen when folks like you talk.”

  She said, “I almost believe you. Thanks for my garden. That was awfully nice of you.”

  “No bother. Got to have a nice visit with Milly.”

  Milly said, “Not like that, Grandma. How could we have got all that work done?”

  Nikki said, “I better get you out of here, Caveman, before you tear up all the good you’ve done.”

  I said, “Probably best. Nice seeing you folks again. If you need anything, just holler.”

  They both waved as we walked back to the ship. We waved back, of course. Once we were aboard, Nikki asked, “How is Milly?”

  I replied, “She feels like she needs to stay with her Grandma until the old lady gets a better hold on living among civilized folks. I think she’d be back on the ship in a hot minute, if she didn’t have responsibilities.”

  “Funny, that’s pretty much what her Grandma said.”

  I asked, “What is that woman’s name. Anyway? I never have known anything but ‘Milly’s Grandma’?”

  “Allim, but she’s decided she wants to be called Alice.”

  I said, “That’s a nice name. What’s her last name?”

  Nikki said, “She claimed they didn’t use them, in their village. I don’t know if I believe it or not.”