Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  Joanna said, “I wanted to be sure I could make it work, before I brought up the idea.”

  I asked, “Would we be able to call on you from time to time, if we were careful to protect your cover?”

  Joanna said, “I had assumed that would be part of the deal, Bob. I owe you bunches for making me young enough to care again, and getting me out of that home, even if it is better, these days.”

  I said, “I hate to see you go, but if it’s what you think best, good luck. Leave the Datsun in the barn when you go, we’ll put it in storage for you on board the Gene.”

  Joanna asked, “Won’t it just rust down?”

  I replied, “If we drain the fluids, most of the problems with leaving a car sit come from UV light and oxygen in the air. We’ll seal it up in a dark room and pump it full of nitrogen. Should last a good, long time.”

  “You’d do that for me, when I’m bailing on you?”

  “You got Max over the hump on the bug out plan. I’m really about out of things for you to do, anyway.”

  Joanna asked, “You’re really not afraid of me going to the Government with what I know?”

  I said, “I don’t think that’s something that you would do. Besides, where’s the upside in it for you? If you stay quiet, you can enjoy your money on a beach somewhere. If you talk to them, you’re going to be in debriefing meetings for the foreseeable future, even if they don’t decide to take you into custody. Doesn’t sound like a fun time to me.”

  Nikki came around the corner and said, “Besides, Dee isn’t going anywhere, she’s committed to my Grandpa. If you ratted on us, she and her kid would get caught in the mess. I’m sure you’re a better friend than that.”

  Janet said, “You two have thought about some angles, yourselves.”

  I said, “We trust Joanna, always have. We just want her to understand we have more reason to, than just, ‘Oh, she’s a good person, she wouldn’t rat us out’.”

  Joanna said, “That’s our Bob, always thinking about the next move. Thanks for having faith in me, even if it is all based on logic, and not just emotion.”

  I said, “Dangit! I did not say it was all based on logic. I like you, Joanna, and I think you’re a good person. It’s just not the only reason I trust you.” Joanna looked at Nikki, and she nodded. Joanna got up and kissed me. I must have lost a little time, because when I came to my senses, Janet and Nikki were rescuing breakfast. Joanna said, “I’ll miss you, too, Bob.”

  I sat down and sipped my coffee. Nikki said, “Good thing I’m already pregnant, Joanna. I think you broke him.”

  I reached down to scratch Snitz’s ears. Nikki asked, “Whatsamatta, Caveman, got nothing to say?”

  I studied on it for a minute and decided I might as well. “Joanna, would you mind showing her what my problem is?” Janet handed me a plate of breakfast while Space Cadet got her education. She asked, “Joanna likes everybody?”

  “Seems to, as long as they like her.” When the ladies came up for air, Nikki said, “I see what you mean, Caveman!”

  I said, “Thanks, Joanna.” She grinned an evil grin, and said, “Anytime, Boss.” Then she suddenly got serious and looked at Janet. “I’m sorry. Did we upset you, we were just being silly, you know.”

  Janet said, “No, Ma’am. Nobody forced anybody, it was all in fun. Nothing to get upset about, except maybe getting left out.”

  Joanna hugged Janet, and said, “You’re not old enough for those kinds of games, Hon. I’ll miss you, too.”

  Janet cried a little, and then said, “Thanks for being somebody I can trust. I’ll miss you.”

  We settled down and finished our meal. Joanna went to go get cleaned up and get started on her plan to slip away. We all headed out to go pick up Alice at the vet. We got there, and the tech brought Alice out. Janet asked, “What is that thing on her neck?”

  I replied, “That’s to keep her from licking her stitches, until they heal.” I carried her to the back of the Yukon and laid her there. Snitz cuddled up to her, and she seemed to like that. Once we were loaded back up, Nikki asked, “Did you want to go by and see Joshua again?”

  I replied, “I think so. It doesn’t make sense to me, living next door to an alien for all these years, and not knowing. Am I that dense?”

  Janet said, “He would have to be pretty good at his job to last this long in an alien culture. You got fooled by a pro. No shame in that, Captain.”

  I said, “I suppose.” We got to the old place, and sure enough, Joshua was standing out front. Nikki eased up to the curb, and I got out. I said, “Morning, Joshua. How are you, today?”

  He replied, “I’m fine, Bob. Did you forget something yesterday?”

  I said, “No, I just came across a strange recording. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. Thought maybe you had some idea.”

  Joshua said, “Well, I don’t know many languages, but I’ll try, Bob.”

  I played the recording Sally had made. Joshua definitely recognized it, but he tried to cover, as quickly as he could. “I don’t know what that was, Bob. Sounded like it could have been some kind of rodent. Maybe a capybara.”

  I replied, “I saw recognition go across your face, Joshua. You must be dang good at your job. We’ve been neighbors for what, most of twenty years, and I never suspected a thing. One thing I have to know, why in the heck are you here? There aren’t any military installations for a hundred miles in any direction at least. What in the world are you studying here?”

  Joshua replied, “If you have that recording, you know a lot more than I would have thought possible, Bob. You’ve come a long way since your wife there first came to visit. You treated her well, I assume you’ll do the same for me. Your military doesn’t interest us that much, what with you being bound to the one planet. Yes, I know about those folks with the salvaged saucers trying to get into space. Your operation is way more concerning than they will ever be. By the way, Headquarters is a little miffed with you for exposing our plot with the ration packs. We were managing to keep the peace without any bloodshed, and you wandered in, screwing the whole thing up. Now they’ll probably figure out that we’ve managed to keep them exploring in the direction away from us for all this time. But that’s not what you asked about, is it? The real reason I’m here, in the middle of nowhere? Black walnuts. Our people love the taste, just can’t get enough of them. They cost like crazy back home. I buy some each fall and send them home. We’ve tried and tried, but we can’t get the trees to grow on our planets, our arborists go crazy trying to figure it out.”

  I said, “Hold on, let me get this straight. You mutilated your face in the autodoc, came and lived among us monkeys for all these years, just for walnuts? Couldn’t you have hired one of us to be your purchasing agent, and stayed home? Just come by once a year to pick up the goods?”

  Joshua replied, “Some of us suggested that, but Headquarters didn’t think we could trust you monkeys enough to make that a viable plan.”

  “Even if we charged you three or four times the going rate, you’d still be making ridiculous amounts of money when you got your cargo home. Sounds like your Headquarters is too greedy for its own good.”

  Joshua replied, “That’s what I told them. I got this duty as a reward.”

  I said, “Do you suppose I could hire you for some consulting work?”

  He asked, “What sort of work?”

  “That little bit I played you is about as far as we’ve gotten translating your language. With your help, my crew could get it right, and not whiz your people off the first time we meet them.”

  Joshua said, “It sounds intriguing. What would be in it for me?”

  I said, “The translation is pretty valuable to me, how about a ship load of black walnuts, delivered to a neutral system.”

  Joshua looked shocked. “A ship load? How much is that?”

  I answered, “Well, nuts aren’t that heavy, they’re probably going to bulk out before they weight out. I doubt we could get much over ten tons
on a ship. Might be a little more.”

  Joshua looked white as a sheet. “Ten… tons? That’s as much as I’ve sent home in the twenty years I’ve been doing this. You’d pay that, just for some help translating? Oh, Yeah!”

  I said, “Grab what you’ll need for a week or so, and we’ll get you started.”

  Joshua went into his house, at a rush. I commed Max. “Morning, Bob. What can I do for you?”

  “I just negotiated a deal. Our end of it is a shipload of black walnuts. Can you get that together for me?”

  Max mumbled, obviously looking things up on his watch. “English walnuts won’t do? I could get them cheaper and easier.”

  I said, “You’ve obviously never eaten either one. No, English walnuts will not do at all. Not at all the same thing. Those uppity pecans would get us in a world of trouble. Don’t even think about it.”

  Max replied, “Sorry, Bob. I didn’t realize there was such a difference. I’ll get on buying up walnuts. It looks like harvest season is just starting, so I should be able to get you a shipload in a week or two. Where do you need them sent?”

  “I don’t know yet. I’d like to make the trade in the Charlie’s Planet system, but I doubt my trading partner would be crazy about that.”

  Max asked, “I can probably rent storage from Uncle Rangy, until I can collect a shipload. Will that be acceptable?”

  I asked, “Did he get his problems with the State inspectors taken care of?”

  Max replied, “I had to help with that. A couple of them have nice accounts in the Caymans, now. I made it plain to them we could make that money disappear, and records appear, if they changed their minds.”

  I said, “Nicely done. That should work out fine, then.”

  Max asked, “Anything else you need, Bob?”

  “Nope. Have a good one.”

  “You too, Bob.”

  Joshua came out of the house, carrying a duffle bag. I raised the hatch, and we put it with the dogs. Snitz took a deep sniff, and looked at Joshua, confused. He laid back down with Alice, though. I said, “I think your smell confuses him.”

  Joshua asked, “Why do you say that?”

  “You smell vaguely like an animal he’s used to chasing up a tree, but you look like a person, who he’s used to getting pets from.”

  Joshua, asked, “How did you figure out what I descended from, anyhow?”

  I said, “The fellow we found marooned in his autodoc gave us a lot more clues than you.”

  Joshua asked, “Why didn’t you just have him help you translate?”

  Nikki said, “Because, we wanted to make sure we understood the labels on the autodoc, before we started pushing buttons.”

  Joshua got settled in the back seat, next to Janet, and I took shotgun again. Joshua said, “You mean you haven’t woken him, for fear of pushing the wrong button?”

  I replied, “Our medical guy says he’s fairly sure which button is the ‘emergency wake’, but we were really hoping to do something less drastic. Besides, we just found another ship, and we were hoping it might tell us more about your written language before we had to make any decisions.”

  Joshua asked, “Where have you found these ships, Bob?”

  I said, “The first one was on a planet a ways from here. The second one was here on Earth somewhere. I could call the bot who flew the mission and get the exact location, if it’s important to you.”

  “No, just knowing the planet is enough. How far is a ways?”

  I replied, “About two days in FTL, whatever that adds up to.”

  Joshua asked, “You don’t know the exact coordinates, do you?”

  I said, “No, I don’t. We try and keep that knowledge down to as few people as we can, because the folks living there don’t need to be disturbed.”

  “Folks like you, or folks like me?”

  I replied, “None of the above.”

  Joshua said, “WHAT!? You found another alien race?”

  I said, “You’ve heard legends of Sasquatch, as long as you’ve been living around here, haven’t you?”

  Joshua said, “Yes, what does that have to do with it?”

  Nikki said, “They’re not legends, and this isn’t their home planet. Some of them have gotten marooned here, and learned to stay hidden, but their true home is another planet entirely.”

  Joshua asked, “So they have spaceflight?”

  I said, “Nope. The Galactics took to using them for slaves after they quit letting their bots have enough brains to get the job done. Somehow, the slavers started dumping the ones they didn’t want here.”

  Joshua asked, “Is there ever a simple answer around you, Bob?”

  Janet said, “The Captain is good with simple answers. A man raped me. The Captain spaced him. Simple.”

  Joshua said, “You spaced a man, Bob?”

  I replied, “I took his suit first, so he didn’t have to wait to run out of air.”

  “She called you Captain. Captain of what, pray tell?”

  I said, “You know those carriers the Commonwealth built, and you tricked them into mothballing? Somebody found one and refitted it for a colony ship. We found it gutted by a meteor storm and rebuilt it. We call it the Gene Cernan.”

  Joshua said, “You have a Commonwealth carrier in fighting shape? Headquarters will go squirrel over that.”

  Nikki asked, “Go squirrel?”

  Joshua said, “You folks go ape. We go squirrel.”

  Nikki said, “Then you probably shouldn’t tell them that he fights the ship so well in simulations, that new, tougher simulations are being constructed to see where his limits truly lie.”

  “Oh, mighty trees of my home. What have I gotten into?”

  I said, “Remember the walnuts.”

  Joshua said, “Even tons of walnuts won’t be enough to get me out of this, Bob.”

  Janet said, “You could always stay with us, on the Gene. The Captain collects people wherever he goes.”

  Joshua looked stunned, “Work for a monkey?”

  I said, “I’m still the same old monkey you’ve lived next door to for years, Joshua. Not like it would be something entirely new.”

  He said, “I’d really like to have my nose back.”

  Nikki said, “I’m sure John can adjust one of our autodocs to do it for you, if you give him some technical advice.”

  Janet said, “Yeah. Between the bots and us humans, we can do some fairly amazing things.” Nikki pulled into our driveway. I said, “I’m thinking we should go ahead and run Joshua up, so he can get to work with Sally.”

  Janet asked, “What about Alice?”

  Nikki said, “Bring her along. An hour or two in the autodoc will get her feeling better, and she won’t have to wear that cone anymore.” I carried Alice to the Gig, and Nikki opened the barn. Joanna’s Datsun was in the back of the barn. Janet said, “That was quick.”

  I said, “Yes, it was. I hope she finds a place she can be happy.”

  Joshua said, “Nice little ship. Got tired of saucers?”

  I replied, “My crew built it for me. It’s my Captain’s Gig.”

  I stayed out to lock the barn, and Nikki pulled out to wait. I jumped aboard when I was done and ran the ramp up. Joshua said, “I would have thought you would have had a bot for that.”

  I answered, “We did. They got pulled for other duty, because we were away so long.”

  Sally met us when the ramp came down. She said, “Welcome aboard, Sir. Is this the guest from out of town, who is here to help with the translations?”

  I replied, “It is. Could you please take charge of him, and make sure his needs are met?”

  Sally said, “My pleasure, Sir.” I picked up Alice and headed for the transit. Scotti came up and walked with me. “Boss, do you think your spy will be able to help us figure out how their drives work? They’ve got a couple of tricks that look interesting, but I’m not sure what they’re doing.”

  I replied, “I only hired him to help with the translatio
n. He might consider helping with the drives to be a violation. At any rate, I’ll have to come up with another shipload of walnuts.”

  Scotti asked, “Just to be clear, Boss. Am I authorized to offer him a shipload of walnuts for his cooperation?”

  I replied, “You are, but if he goes for it, you’ll have to comm Max and inform him he’s now buying two loads. I don’t want to deal with that.”

  Scotti said, “You drive a hard bargain, Boss. His help would be worth it, if he knows anything about a couple of these circuits I can’t figure out.”

  I said, “Just be sure he has good information before you order the walnuts.”

  “Will do, Boss.”

  I got Alice to medbay, and Gail set up the ‘doc to heal her stitches and surgical scars. I asked her to page me when Alice was ready to wake up. Gene came over the speaker. “Captain, ship arriving. The B. S. Dolly Parton.”

  I asked, “Dolly Parton? Where did they get that name?”

  Gene replied, “Something was said about a ‘chicken ranch’, Sir.”

  I grabbed a transit back to the landing bay. Jim and Janice were just coming out of the ship. Mollie and Snitz were playing chase and getting reacquainted. I walked up to Jim and shook his hand. “Good to see you again, Mr. Bailey.”

  Jim said, “And you, Captain. Do you suppose Janice and I could impose upon you to hitch us up?”

  I replied, “No imposition at all. You sure you want this ornery old woman?”

  “I am, Sir.”

  I turned to Janice. “Do you think this feller can keep up with you?”

  “Yes, Bob Wilson, I do think he can keep up with me.”

  “Alrighty then. Get cleaned up. I’ll get my dress uniform on, and we’ll get this done. Ask any bot, or the ship, his name is Gene, if you need directions.” I saw Pete across the bay. I called, “Hey Pete, you busy?”

  “No, Boss. What can I do?”

  I replied, “More than you let on, if I don’t miss my guess. These folks need a place to clean up, and then they need to be shown the way to the hall where we do weddings. Also, you may be getting a new recruit in a day or two. He needs discipline, and instruction. Can you handle that?”