Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  Dingus said, “He’s the same Bob he’s always been. Has he ever offered you violence?”

  Joshua said, “Well, no, he hasn’t.”

  “In those simulations, did he fire on anyone who didn’t fire on him first?”

  “Well, no.”

  Dingus said, “It’s his job to protect the ship, and all who travel in her. We have him doing these simulations so that he can learn to do that job better. Does he revel in the violence? No, he doesn’t. Does he understand that it may become necessary? That he does, and he does the simulations so that when that time comes, the Gene Cernan will be victorious against all odds.”

  Joshua said, “I suppose I see your point, but, but, he’s so good at it.”

  I said, “I’m not. I am humble enough to know that and allow the bots and Gene to do the things that they can do so much better than me. I couldn’t have won that last simulation at all, if I depended on my own reactions. That was all an attack program Ruth developed, and uploaded directly to Gene. Any control lag at all would have killed us, in that scenario.”

  Joshua marveled a moment, and said, “You mean, the reason you’re so deadly, is that you allow the bots to fight the ship?”

  I replied, “Indeed.”

  “That’s why one of the sims involved some of your most used bots getting disabled, to see what you could do then?”

  Dingus said, “Yes. I had high hopes for that one. Good ol’ Bob, he just called some other bots to the bridge and fought on. Annoying booger, ain’t he?”

  Joshua said, “You don’t intend to take over our stars?”

  I said, “Think about what you’re saying, Joshua. If I had any intention of anything like that, I would have teams out searching for the rest of the Commonwealth Navy, so that I could actually do something. One ship, against a whole civilization? What could I accomplish with that? I might be able to hold one star system, until your people decided to get serious and drive me out. A lot of people dead and wounded, and for what? Being able to brag that I ruled a system for a few months? I’m not willing to go to those lengths, for nothing more than that. I do have a team out, looking for new planets, with lost colonies, or no people at all. The galaxy is a big place, Joshua. Plenty of room for everybody.”

  Joshua took a moment to take that in. He said, “You really don’t want our planets, do you?”

  I replied, “I’d like to trade with your planets, if we can find things your people want that we have, but I have more trouble than I can use, running one ship. Running an Empire would be way above my pay grade.”

  Dingus said, “There are people in the Commonwealth that you couldn’t trust with the kind of power that Bob has. I trust Bob with my life, and the lives of my family. You should think about doing that, too. Sure, he’s a monkey, and you’ve been told all your life not to trust monkeys. If you were going to break that rule, Bob here would be the one.”

  Joshua said, “I think you’re right about that, Dingus, but it’s quite a bit to take in, all at once.”

  I said, “Are we good, Joshua?”

  He replied, “I think so, Bob.”

  I said, “Good, I’m hungry. Let’s go find something to eat.”

  We grabbed a transit and went to the galley. Sally was there waiting for me. She said, “All that work, and you blew through it in six hours? What now?”

  I replied, “Talk to Dingus, maybe he has some ideas. Talk to Joshua, maybe he has some nightmares.”

  I sat down, and Janet brought me a glass of tea. She asked, “What would you like to eat, Captain?”

  I said, “Just bring me whatever the special is today. I’m too tired to pick.”

  I was still waiting on lunch when Nikki showed up. “Good show, Caveman. I bet Grandpa is whizzed off.”

  I said, “If I remember right, he said ‘I’d deck you, but I’m too impressed.’, or words to that effect.”

  Janet came back out with my plate, and a Coke for Nikki. She asked, “Would you like something to eat, Mrs. Wilson?”

  Nikki replied, “No, I actually had lunch, instead of getting lost in a simulation. If we’re sleeping in the same bed, don’t you think you ought to call me Nikki?”

  “I didn’t want to be too forward. I wouldn’t think of calling him anything but Captain.”

  Nikki said, “Wait till you get to know him better. You’ll be calling him asshole, just like the rest of us.”

  Janet said, “I doubt that. He always treats me well, even when he shouts orders at me.”

  “You’ll have to tell me that story, sometime. It would take me days to get it out of him.”

  Janet said, “Okay.”

  I finished my meal, and the world seemed to have a little more color than when I sat down. Nikki said, “You’re beginning to look human again, Caveman.”

  I replied, “Beginning to feel that way, too. I think I’ll go walk around some, see what’s going on.”

  Nikki said, “Doesn’t sound like fun to me. I’ll see you later.”

  “Okay. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  I went by Frank’s lab, but Julie said he was deep in the middle of something and shouldn’t be disturbed. I wondered what amazing things we were going to be able to build when he surfaced. I headed off toward Engineering, I was going by a compartment, when I heard what sounded like Greg, grunting. I stuck my head in. Pete had him doing calisthenics, getting started on training him up. Greg said, “Uncle Bob, please tell him I don’t have to do all this.”

  Pete said, “Trainee Branham, are you in uniform?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is the person you are addressing also in uniform?”

  “Yes.”

  “You should address him by his rank, or Sir. Uncle Bob is not appropriate.”

  Greg said, “Sir, please tell him I don’t have to do all this.”

  I replied, “You will find, Trainee Branham, that I take my beer very seriously. Punishment for tampering with it will not be swift, or easy. You are going to be here for a while. You might as well learn to like it.”

  Pete said, “I have been entirely too lax with you, Trainee Branham. You tampered with the Captain’s beer? We won’t just make a Marine of you. You will be Recon.”

  I said, “Carry on, Sergeant.” and left them to it.

  When I got to Engineering, Scotti was looking at some readouts and mumbling. I said, “Speak up. How do you expect anyone to help you if we can’t hear what you’re cussing about?”

  She said, “Hello, Captain. Your consultant has trashed about half the work I did trying to get parts made for those Squirrel ships. He was able to tell me what I was doing wasn’t right, but he didn’t know enough to tell me the right way to go about it.”

  I asked, “Has Medical got better translations of those autodoc controls yet? Maybe one of the sleepers could give you a clue.”

  Scotti said, “I doubt there are enough walnuts in the galaxy to free up their tongues. Joshua is working with us because of his long friendship with you, Boss. We don’t have that same advantage with the others.”

  I replied, “I don’t know what to tell you. Frank is deep into something. I don’t even know what. Julie asked me not to disturb him, thought it was important, whatever he’s dived off into.”

  Scotti said, “I got that same story. I hope it’s something that will help with the Squirrel technology. Some of their stuff looks like it may be way ahead of ours.”

  “Maybe we’d be better off to hope we can grow walnuts on Charlie’s Planet, maybe design a machine to pick them up with.”

  Scotti said, “You could be on to something there, Boss. I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

  I said, “I like the way that pistol you made for Janet came out. The hull metal has a nice sheen to it.”

  “Thanks, Boss. I better get back to work, even if I’m not getting anywhere.”

  “Later, Scotti.”

  I headed up to the bridge, just to check in. Topper announced me, and I put everyone at e
ase. I asked, “You have the big chair, Topper?”

  “Yes, Boss. You wanna drive?”

  “Nope. Just checking in. Anything I should know about?”

  Topper said, “Well, scuttlebutt has it that Mr. Branham isn’t the only one aggravated at you for sticking your nose in medical matters anymore.”

  I replied, “Jane disapproves of my methods?”

  “No, Boss. She’s just pissed she didn’t think of it first.”

  I asked, “How are the translations coming?”

  “The last I heard from Sally, she’s making good progress, now that she has some feedback. Mr. Branham thinks he should be able to wake our guests up tomorrow.”

  “What about the quarantine?”

  Topper replied, “He was able to lift that yesterday. The testing machine Velma took in with her couldn’t find anything that was dangerous to humans. Same thing with the bots in the other quarantine.”

  “Sounds like things are flowing along smoothly. How much longer will we be in FTL?”

  “About thirty-five hours, give or take.”

  I said, “I guess I should find something to train on. I had figured to keep busy with simulators this trip, but that didn’t take as long as I expected.”

  “Sally really thought they had you with that last one. When you let Ruth use her ‘Death Blossom’, I think she would have cried, if she were equipped for tears.”

  “I feel bad, after they worked so hard, but I was supposed to try my best, wasn’t I?”

  Topper replied, “I didn’t mean she was sad that they hadn’t been able to defeat you, she was amazed at the beauty of your solution.”

  “Ruth’s solution, you mean.”

  “No, you were the one who asked her to figure it out. It was your idea, Ruth just brought it into reality.”

  I said, “I’ll be in the ready room if you need me, Topper.”

  “See you later, Boss.”

  I went to the ready room and commed Sally. “Yes, Boss?”

  “Did you have any more training courses you wanted me to take? I need something to fill some time.”

  Sally said, “I can see a few gaps in your training, Boss, but nothing major.”

  “Could you set up a schedule with Dixie? I’m in my ready room, whenever she wants to start.”

  Sally replied, “She’ll be there shortly, Boss.” I drifted off thinking about nothing and everything, until Dixie showed up. She lit me up, and I learned about emergency vacuum procedures. When that was finished, I decided to turn in early. The sims had wiped me out, and I just wasn’t bouncing back. When morning came, Snitz was licking my ear, Alice was licking Janet’s ear, and Nikki was fussing at everybody to quiet down. Janet and I got up and got ready to face the day. We took the dogs to the grass compartment and went to the galley. Dixie was serving and brought out coffee for me and juice for Janet. Janet said, “I can’t even get coffee here? Where I’m a crew trainee?”

  Dixie replied, “Mrs. Branham wants to keep you off caffeine for a while yet. About another month, I think.”

  I asked, “Why is that?”

  “She wants to make sure Janet has gotten rid of all the effects of the planet where she grew up.”

  I said, “Sounds reasonable. You’re tough, Janet. You can make it another month without caffeine.”

  Dixie asked, “Training in the ready room again today, Boss?”

  “Soon as I get done here. You have someone to take over?”

  Dixie said, “Janet can handle it. That way she can sneak the coffee she thinks she needs, and think she’s getting away with it.”

  Janet turned bright red. I said, “Gene watches everything, since you had your trouble. You really thought you could hide from him?”

  Janet said, “No, but I thought Dixie was my friend, and wouldn’t rat me out to the Captain over it.”

  I said, “Gee, I haven’t gone on shift yet. There ain’t no Captains here, little girl, just Bob. Besides, I’d rather you were sneaking coffee, than stealing my beer, like Greg.”

  “He says Pete is working him hard. How long are you going to keep him at it?”

  I said, “Till I’m satisfied he has learned his lesson, and however much longer his mother thinks he needs.”

  I finished up, and Dixie and I caught a transit to the ready room. She lit me up. When I came back to the world, Gene said, “Boss, Mr. Branham would like you to join him in the quarantine bay, if you would.”

  I replied, “On it, Gene.” I grabbed a transit and went to see what John needed. I figured he was ready to wake our guests up. It turned out that I was right. Rhonda was there, with a head mounted camera. Sally was also there, and she asked, “Boss, can I see your badge a minute?”

  I gave it to her, and she downloaded something onto it. She made a few more adjustments, and then she handed it back to me. She said, “You should be able to understand what they say, now.”

  John said, “Okay, Rhonda, go ahead.”

  I looked at John and asked, “Why Rhonda?”

  He said, “She’s short enough to fit in the ship, and mature enough to handle the responsibility. Besides, she knows a little about medical things from her Mom.” John had a screen connected to her camera. I watched over his shoulder, as he coached her on how to wake up the patient. I saw Joshua waiting off to the side, to talk to him when he woke up. Rhonda finished putting in the wake-up sequence, and backed away, coming back outside. I hoped Joshua would be able to convince the new fellow that he was safe among the monkeys. They went back and forth for a few minutes, but Joshua was able to convince him that he was, indeed, a Squirrel in disguise. They came out and stood in front of the ship. I went up and made a show of taking off all my weapons. Then I asked, “How is this translator badge working?”

  The new fellow said, “Passably well. I can understand you. How about this way?”

  “Sounds fine. We found you marooned. I hope you’re not too offended, waking up among the monkeys.”

  He said, “I’m glad to be waking up at all, as far off course as I was. The people on that planet were so big, I was afraid to try and make contact.”

  I replied, “Wouldn’t have done you a lot of good. They aren’t very advanced, as far as technology goes.”

  “So, you can do better?”

  I said, “Not a lot. My engineer can’t figure out some of the circuits you burned out. If you know enough to give her a hand, we might be able to get you back in the black. We could certainly offer you a ride back to one of your planets.”

  “What would be in it for you?”

  I said, “Not much, I don’t suppose, but I’d rather have you for a friend than an enemy. If you were willing to help us figure out your technology, we might be able to give you something in return.”

  “Like what?”

  “Your buddy there is getting a shipload of black walnuts for helping us translate your language.”

  He said, “Your translator must of glitched. I would have sworn you said a shipload.”

  “I did. On my planet, they’re not that hard to come by. From what I hear, the situation is different on your world.”

  He said, “Yes, you could say that. With a shipload of walnuts, I could live high on the tree, for the rest of my days.”

  Scotti spoke up. “What do you know about your ship’s drives?”

  He said, “Only the basics, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be much help.”

  Scotti said, “As lost as I am, any help would be welcome.”

  I said, “Scotti, what do you think a fair price for his help might be?”

  Scotti replied, “I would think two hundred pounds would be about right, Boss.”

  He asked, “How many nuts is that?”

  Scotti looked it up. “About 3500.”

  He exclaimed, “Three thousand walnuts, of course I’ll help.”

  He and Scotti went to a workstation so that he could tell her what he knew.

  John said, “Okay, Rhonda, go ahead and try the other one.” She went abo
ard with Joshua. There were two autodocs this time. She asked, “Which one should I start with, Mr. Branham?”

  John said, “The one with the larger individual.” She got him started waking up and retreated for Joshua to try and make friends. This time it didn’t go so well. Joshua came out of the saucer in a headlock, with his captor waving a knife around. I said, “What’s all the excitement about?”

  Knife-man said, “This little liar claims he is Squirrel. He has a face like a monkey. How can that be?”

  I said, “A long, painful, session in the autodoc, from what I understand. He speaks your language. I have to have this badge translate for me. I don’t even think a monkey throat could make the kind of noises your language uses.”

  “Why would he do that?”

  I replied, “So that he could live among us monkeys, and buy black walnuts.”

  Knife-man replied, “Finally, something that makes sense. I have heard of these fellows, who go undercover on your world, to buy the walnuts. I always wondered how they could go unnoticed.” He let Joshua go. “I am an idiot. Thank you for rescuing me and my daughter. This is not the proper way to greet people who have helped you.”

  I said, “You woke up, thinking you were among the monkeys, which in fact, you are. That’s got to be a shock to the system. I can’t imagine I would be on my best behavior if I woke up among the Squirrels, not knowing how I got there.”

  He said, “I am Rikki Natti, Captain of this vessel.” He pointed to his ship.

  I said, “I am Bob Wilson, Captain of this vessel.” I made a large gesture to encompass the Gene.

  His eyes got big. “This is a vessel, in space?”

  “In FTL.”

  “How did you come by such a magnificent ship?”

  I replied, “We found her, derelict, and salvaged her.”

  “Luck shines on you, Captain.”

  I asked, “Should we wake your daughter?”

  Rikki said, “I would like to know a few things first, if you don’t mind.”

  “I don’t mind.”

  “What do you plan for us?”

  I said, “Well, if my engineer can figure out how your drive works, we had planned to fix your ship up and get you back in the black. Would that be acceptable to you?”