by Eli Easton
“I want to be with you as long as you’re here,” he said.
River sighed and hugged him tighter. “Me too. I just want to be fair with you, not lead you on. You’re important to me.”
But not important enough for you to stay. And that hurt, too, so Brent did the only thing he could to feel better. He kissed River, focused on the smell and taste of him. In the here and the now.
Chapter 26
August, 2019
River
Brent kept insisting the taste-testing party was supposed to be casual, but it didn’t feel that way to River. The housekeepers came and did a major overhaul of the house. A ramp was rented and installed at the front stoop to make the party wheelchair accessible. Elaborate floral arrangements were delivered. River took Lily and Beauchamp over to the houseboat so they’d be out of the way, and when he got back, Rene, the chef who’d been working with River on the menu, was there with a staff of three in formal-looking white chef’s tops. They were setting up large silver covered trays of food on the dining room table and crates of beer, water, and soft drinks.
River had busted tail to get the kombucha ready in time. He had about two hundred bottles of his homebrew in five different flavors, which Rene had artfully arranged in ice buckets on a white-linen-covered table out on the deck, as if they were fine champagne.
River fussed with them, making sure all the labels faced up.
Brent came up behind him and placed hands on River’s shoulders. “They look great. I’m excited for people to taste them.”
“I should have had real labels printed. At least computer-made ones. I didn’t realize we were being fancy.”
“Are you kidding? I love seeing your handwriting on them. Makes them more authentic. And we’re not being fancy. I told you, this party is—”
“Casual. I think you and I have different definitions of the word.” He laughed and waved a hand at the large vase containing a selection of ferns, white carnations, and purple orchids that sat next to River’s homebrew.
Brent smiled. “I just wanted it to be nice. It’s the interior designer in me. Doesn’t mean it has to be high-pressure.”
River leaned back, letting himself be wrapped in Brent’s arms and taking a moment to let his anxiety go. Why was he so freaked? It wasn’t his nature. But this party was important. Rene had been tweaking the recipes, and River trusted his expertise. But the kombucha… the homebrewed kombucha was all River and also the entire point of the new cafe. It had to be a smash.
And still, River would be chill about it if this was just a job. But this was the first big event where it would be him and Brent, together, as a couple. Brent’s parents were coming, his best friends, along with business people Brent knew. People from AJC were coming. And River had invited the folks from Expanded Horizons.
He was still conflicted about being “out” as a couple. They’d been together now for six weeks, and they were practically joined at the hip. River had never been this close to anyone in his life. But Rome loomed in the distance like the iceberg lying in wait for the Titanic. That unsettled him in ways he didn’t even fully understand and made things so much more complicated. Brent’s parents might just smack him. And he wouldn’t blame them one bit if they did.
Brent gave him a squeeze. “Hey. This is supposed to be fun. You’ve worked hard to get to this point. And trust me. If there were any problems with the recipes, you or I would already know it. Rene would know it. We like them, and so will everyone else.”
“Yeah. You’re right.”
“Is it… us you’re worried about? I can play it cool if you prefer.”
That was thoughtful. Brent was a thoughtful man. But River shook his head. “Everyone already knows. You told your family, right? And Justin probably told everyone else in Seattle. I don’t want you to feel guarded. That’s not cool. Let’s just be ourselves.”
Brent kissed River’s neck and held there for a moment, his breath in River’s ear. “You’re important to me. And you’ll always be important to me, no matter where you are. I want my friends and family to know you.”
River had no words for that, so he turned in Brent’s arms and pulled him into a deep kiss. And damn the caterers, or anyone else who might be around.
Since they’d had the discussion about River leaving September twenty-fifth, River had tried hard to make everything all right. He spent all his time at Brent’s with the dogs, only going over to the houseboat every few days to collect the mail, water the plants, and make sure it was secure. They spent hours making love, and River gave it everything he had, wanting to show that his care and affection were true. He’d kept the surrogacy stuff out of Brent’s face as much as he could, booking his weekly appointments back-to-back so they had minimal impact on his work on the cafe or his time with Brent.
It had been obvious that Brent was trying too. He touched River every chance he got, took him out to nice dinners and held his hand, made casual remarks about Rome that were encouraging, even though River could tell he hated the idea. The sadness River saw in his eyes at times was quickly blinked away.
They were both doing their goddamn best to make the most of the situation. River told himself he was lucky and should be grateful. He was lucky to have this here and now, and he was lucky to have Rome ahead of him. Most people would kill for the opportunity. But although the doubt and regret might be out of sight at times, it never fully went away.
Brent pulled back from the kiss. “Mmm. We should get ready. People will be arriving in about forty-five minutes.
River gawked and checked his watch. “Oh. Shit! Why didn’t you tell me?”
Brent laughed as River ran inside.
“So you’re River.” Sean sipped kombucha from a bottle and eyed River with a wary expression.
“I am. I’ve heard a lot about you, Sean.”
Sean grinned. “Oh, yeah? What did Brent tell you about me? He told you I’m great, right?”
“Let’s see. He said you’ve been friends since high school, that you were a huge support to him during Kathy’s illness. Oh, and that you’re the king of crude.”
“Fuck yeah, I am!” Sean enthused. “Brent told me about you too. Well, not about, you know, the dirty deets or anything. Just in general. When he saw you through Expanded Horizons. And stuff.” Sean blushed.
River raised his eyebrows and sipped his beer. “He said you encouraged him to go to Expanded Horizons. So thank you for that.”
Sean wiped his forehead. “Yeah. Never expected you to come out of it though. You were a bit of a surprise, being a guy and all. Never saw that coming, but guess maybe I should have? Brent’s not your typical football-and-sweats kind of bro.”
“Yeah, not really,” River agreed.
“Honestly, though, I’ve never seen Brent this into anyone.”
River blinked in surprise at that. “Really?”
Not even with Kathy? River wanted to ask, because Sean had known Brent in high school. But it seemed out of line to ask Sean to compare him to Brent’s late wife.
Sean stared into River’s eyes. “Never. I mean, maybe it’s a midlife thing. Or maybe when you’ve been through what Brent’s been through, you appreciate the good stuff more.”
River nodded thoughtfully. “That’s an interesting observation, Sean.”
Sean puffed out his chest. “I know, right? Brent told me you’re into the deep stuff. So I’m making an effort. How’m I doin’?”
River laughed. “Gold star, you.”
Sean looked around and lowered his voice. “So you studied tantra, huh? Like, officially?”
Sean was a funny guy. And fairly openminded. River could see why Brent liked him. “Yes, Sean, I studied tantra. Officially.”
“Huh. You should consider offering a class for couples. After Brent told me about it, I was curious. So me and Sharon watched some videos. We tried some stuff, but I’m not sure we’re doing it right? I thought there might be a class, but there’s nothing regular in Seattle. Bet a lot
of people would be interested.”
River nodded enthusiastically. “Couples work is awesome! I know people who’ve taught couples’ classes. They say it’s really rewarding, helping people reconnect with someone they’ve been with for a long time, discover a deeper intimacy.”
Plus, River thought, when you worked with couples you weren’t a participant yourself, you just guided them verbally. That had a new appeal now that he was… in a relationship? Yeah, of course he was. At least for now. Brent had been good about not asking about his surrogacy clients, but he still acted tense when he knew River had an appointment.
“You should totally do it!” Sean nudged River’s arm. “Hey, maybe you could tie it in with the new cafe somehow. Like, Harmony Tree could offer classes and stuff.”
“Maybe,” River replied vaguely.
The comment dampened his mood again. He wouldn’t be here long enough to establish a couples’ tantra clinic or anything else.
Sean seemed to realize it. His face grew serious and the wariness in his eyes returned. “You should know—Brent’s the best guy on the planet. I mean that. He’s a really, really good human being. The best.”
“He is.”
Sean shook his head, as if River wasn’t getting it. “What he went through with Kathy…. The way he stuck through it, and was always so good to her, no matter how bad it got. He’s one in a million. And he deserves to be happy. You know? He deserves someone who will appreciate what a great person he is.”
Someone who will stick around. Sean didn’t say it, but the words were implied.
“I couldn’t agree with you more,” River said steadily. He gave Sean a soft smile even though his stomach ached. “So what do you think of that kombucha?”
Sean looked at the bottle in his hand. He had the cranberry flavor. “It’s pretty damn good. I always thought it was sort of fru-fru or somethin’. And Brent’s been telling me all about the kombucha-on-tap thing, and I’m down with it, because I trust his opinion, and he’s so excited. But damn, I see it now. Love the fizz. Good flavor. Not too fruity. It’s not alcoholic?”
“Just a little bit. Like one percent.”
“Cool.” Sean took another swig.
Brent walked up and put a hand on River’s shoulder. “Sean, are you embarrassing me?”
Sean gave a fake aghast expression. “Moi?”
Brent rolled his eyes. “Hey, babe, my folks just got here. They’d love to meet you.”
“Sure.” River managed a parting smile at Sean even though his heart was pounding.
He felt like such a fraud, being presented as Brent’s boyfriend. He hid his unease, though, and Brent’s parents were lovely. His mom had kind eyes and a gentle spirit, and she reminded River very much of Brent, down to her dark hair and green eyes.
She pulled River into a long hug immediately. “River, we’re so glad to finally meet you. I knew Brent had someone special in his life. He’s been so happy. I bugged him until he told me about you.”
“I’m honored to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. McKay. You raised a beautiful human being, inside and out.”
Brent’s dad stuck out his hand. “I’ll have to agree with you there. Brent’s been through a lot, and he’s handled it better than I ever could. I’m Jim, by the way.”
“Hi, Jim.” River shook his hand.
“And please call me Brenda,” Brent’s mom said.
Jim McKay had a crew cut of silver hair, wore glasses, a red plaid shirt, and shook hands with a soft grip. Brent had said his mom had been a secretary in a dental office and his father a pharmacist.
Brent slipped an arm around River’s waist. His parents didn’t blink an eye. “I told River you guys are recently retired and might be looking for some travel tips.”
“That’s right,” Jim agreed. “We’re living the good life now. We’ve been looking at travel companies, but there’re so many options, it’s hard to nail something down. We’d love to hear about the places you’d recommend.”
“Sure, I’d be glad to.”
“Why don’t we grab some plates and kombucha first?” Brent suggested. “This way, Mom.”
Brent got his parents loaded up with food and drink and then left them seated on the deck with River. They spent the next half hour talking about the recipes and about travel. Jim and Brenda asked River a lot of questions about his work. He skimmed over the tantra details—because parents—but talked about some of his interesting experiences with reiki, and his studies in Eastern religions. It ended with River massaging Jim’s neck, which was really painful and stiff. River sent some reiki energy into his chakra there, and Jim swore it felt better.
Brent was busy with any number of guests but looked at River and his parents with an amused smile whenever he came out onto the deck to lead another person to the kombucha.
There might have been some regret in that smile too.
River liked the McKays very much. While they chatted, Jim often touched his wife—a hand on her arm, a caress of her shoulder, or brushing back her hair. It was easy to see how Brent had managed to escape toxic masculinity given their example, and where his steadiness and curiosity came from, his security in who he was. Some people found River’s discussion of reiki weird and woo-woo, but the McKays had a genuine intellectual curiosity about it.
At last the McKays went to refill their plates, and River wandered into the house. He saw Michael Lamont and his husband, James, in his wheelchair. They were at the front door, and River went over to greet them.
“It’s great to finally meet you,” River told James, shaking his hand. “I read Sentimental Cyanide after Michael told me about it. What a gorgeous story. I love the way Lamb represents the highest attribute of love that humanity is capable of, yet he’s android. And the whole healer aspect was near and dear to my heart. I feel like I could read it a dozen times and not catch all the meaning in it.”
James smiled and reached out for Michael’s hand. “This one here inspired it. You can thank him.”
“But only you could have written it, babe. Sorry we’re late. James was on a phone call about a very exciting new project.” Michael gave River a wide-eyed stare meant as a hint, River was pretty sure.
James gave Michael a warning look. “NDA, my treasure.”
“I know, I know. But it’s so exciting.”
“Hmm. Might I see you two at the Oscars sometime soon?” River guessed.
“Maaaaybe,” Michael said leadingly.
James sighed. “The guy is irrepressible, I tell you. No more hints. This is a taste-testing party, right? I saved my appetite especially.”
“Well, the opening of a new cafe can hardly compare to your news, but come try the food. There’s homebrewed kombucha flavors too. We’d love to get your thoughts.”
River showed them the way to the buffet table. While they got their plates, River grabbed them a couple of kombucha bottles from the deck. They met up again in the family room where a group from Expanded Horizons was hanging out. River hadn’t even seen them arrive since he’d been talking to Brent’s folks. He handed James and Michael their bottles, took requests, and went out to grab another round.
After he passed out the bottles, he grabbed a chair from the dining room and joined them. Jack Halloran was there with his husband, Tony, and Dr. Trudy Kaplan had brought her wife Sydney. Brent came over and there were introductions all around. There were no seats, so Brent plopped down on the carpet at River’s feet. River made room so Brent could sit between his legs, back against the seat. Brent, chatting with Jack, raised his hand and River took it.
He’d told Brent he wanted him to act natural, and he certainly was. It was so boyfriend-y, more so because James and Michael, Jack and Tony, and Trudy and Sydney were also openly affectionate. River tried to enjoy the moment, the closeness, the camaraderie, despite the pain in his heart.
Nothing was permanent. You could only count on this moment. Anything else was illusion.
Jack gave Brent a smile. “Why am I not shocked y
ou two ended up together? You saw something in River the first time you laid eyes on him. I remember it well. I showed you that brochure in my office, and you couldn’t stop staring at his picture.”
“Really?” River asked, smiling.
“Yup. He was resistant to the idea of seeing a surrogate at first, but even then, he couldn’t keep his eyes off you.”
“Aw, I love that,” Michael gushed. “It was love at first sight.”
“I might have been curious about him,” Brent admitted, looked up at River with a smile.
“I’m just glad you waited until you were no longer a client to start seeing each other,” Jack added.
Jack’s husband, Tony, guffawed. “Yeah, because you and I were so mature that way.”
Tony was a lively Italian from New York. He told the story of how he and Jack met. He was a private investigator who’d been looking into a woman’s death. She’d been a client at Expanded Horizons, so he’d gone to see Jack undercover. He admitted he couldn’t keep his hands off Jack, even while he was posing as a patient.
That lead to Michael and James talking about how they’d met at a book signing. James had always been Michael’s favorite author. And Trudy and her wife talked about how they’d met in medical school.
It was all so very domestic, and everyone seemed so in love. River felt the weight of Brent’s hand in his, down in his very soul. Maybe he imagined the deep sadness and want he felt in Brent’s energy, the wish that they could be a “real” couple too. Or maybe River was projecting, and those feelings were his and his alone.
Later, Michael caught River alone on the deck and looked at him with concern. “Are you all right?”
“Sure. Why?”
“When we were in there, you seemed troubled. Is everything okay between you and Brent? Sorry if we were a bit much. I know you guys are new.”
“No, it’s fine.” River gave Michael a reassuring smile. Then he sighed. “Well, not quite fine. I’m moving on in September so it’s, um, it’s… it just is what it is.”
