by Ruby Keller
"Yeah, and don't stay awake all night," Oliver said when I turned around to face Lance. "Be a good boy and don't hide how you feel when you call us. Daddies know when their boy's lying to them."
"Yeah, no lying just to make us happy." Lance stroked my wet hair. "Hold onto your stuffed dinosaur when you go to bed. You don't sleep well without it; and don't forget to take afternoon naps. Tell us if someone's being mean to you. We'll come over and kick their butt."
"Yes, Daddy." I laughed and shook my head. "Don't go on walks in the woods, Lance. And Oliver, when Coco and Teddy come over tell them that I'll miss them. Don't forget to feed them carrots and honey. Bears love them."
They cleaned themselves after cleaning me and then we got out of the shower together. They towel dried me and then themselves, leading me back into the nursery where they dressed me in bear-themed shirt and jammies.
"But won't they make fun of me if they see me in my Little clothes?" I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror. They stood behind me, heads on my shoulder, and still stark naked.
"You'll be wearing grown-up clothes over them, silly." Lance patted my back and pointed at the other set of clothes on the bed. "Your little clothes underneath are to remind you that your Daddies are with you even when they aren't. We're proud of you, our brave boy."
They always called me brave but I didn’t see myself that way. Nevertheless, I was beginning to believe it just because they believed it. They knew me better than I did myself, so how could they be wrong?
"We truly are, honey." Oliver grinned. "Now look how handsome you are with the little bears everywhere. There's one here, and here, and here."
Lance joined in, pointing the little bears on my shirt with his finger. Soon the pointing turned to tickles and I was sandwiched between them.
Oh no! There was no escape. They were going to tickle me to death. I threw my head back and laughed hysterically, desperately trying to escape, but I was trapped between their big strong arms.
"No… please." I gasped for air when they stopped and shook my head, still smiling ear to ear. "Oh, my Daddies are so silly. I should've known it was coming. I'll miss you guys."
"We'll miss you more," they both said at the same time and then laughed.
I watched them get dressed and then we were off on our way to the hospital. This time, I held onto Oliver's hand while Lance drove us into the city. I rested my head on his shoulder and looked up at him. We both stared into each other's eyes in silence, blinking slowly and occasionally smiling. There was nothing left to say. They both knew how much I loved them.
Soon it was time to say our goodbyes after I checked in at the hospital. I was determined not to cry but my eyes were turning wet and my vision blurred.
"We'll be thinking of you, little one." Oliver kissed my cheek and Lance kissed the other. I was glad they didn't kiss me on the lips. There was still a homophobic side in me that feared PDA, thanks to my father's upbringing and teachings. Would I be a changed boy when I got out? Would I be able to proudly hold onto my Daddies' hands in public? Was such an extreme change even possible? I knew it would take a miracle, but doctors were known to be miracle workers.
"I love you, Daddy Oliver," I said and then looked at Lance. "I love you, Daddy Lance."
"We love you too honey," Lance said and kissed my head, getting a little teary-eyed himself.
"Oh, Lance." Oliver rubbed his back. "Don't cry. We've got to be strong for our boy. Elijah, honey. We'll be right here when you get out, and we'll call you every single day. Now go and make your Daddies proud, our sweet boy."
I waved at them one last time and then followed the nurse who led the way to my room in the psych ward. I rubbed my hand against my shirt, knowing that my Little clothes underneath were a reminder that they were still with me.
Chapter 2: Lance
It was wise of Oliver to arrange a playdate for Elijah on the day he left for the psych ward. It ensured he was less stressed than we were expecting him to be. Oliver was such a good and caring Daddy. He was exactly what Elijah needed in his life right now, a protector and caregiver who made all the right decisions for his boy.
A week had passed since Elijah left and we’d been video calling him every single evening. He was settling in okay and we talked for hours about everything. It was good for him to see his Daddies sitting together and smiling when we called. He didn’t need to know that things were very different once the call ended.
I’d been struggling with my feelings ever since I moved in with them. Every time we took turns making love to Elijah, I had a hard time not staring at Oliver’s beautiful body. He was just as big and muscular as me, which was why it was so confusing. All my life, I’d been into twinks who were much smaller than me. I’d never been physically attracted to a muscled Daddy before.
Initially, I’d thought it was just physical, but soon I found myself controlling the urge to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him, to look down at his crotch while we showered with Elijah and have his warm body pressed up against mine. I wanted his hands on my body just the way he soaped Elijah’s privates, with gentle caresses. My desires were getting crazier by the day. I wasn’t his boy and he wasn’t my Daddy, but then why did I have this intense attraction?
Knowing that Oliver was my boy’s Daddy made it all the more difficult, and very awkward, especially so now that Elijah wasn’t home and it was just the two of us. I went to extreme lengths to avoid having to talk to him. Despite his insisting, I cooked my own meals and ate all alone. Both of our workout routines were intense and yet I avoided working out with him. No amount of ignoring him seemed to help, though. I still wanted him just as much. Maybe I had to stay the course and eventually forget about him.
Maybe I was just confused. Maybe I just admired Oliver for the way he cared for our boy. He gave him his everything and I just wanted a part of it. I knew it was selfish and cruel of me, to be jealous of our boy. Elijah got to kiss him and touch his body while I had to be content just looking. I wanted his big strong arms around me just like the way he held Elijah. How protected and safe Elijah must feel in his arms? I wanted to feel that too, and so at night I now sometimes found myself wrapping my arms around myself and going to bed all alone, imagining they were Oliver’s arms around me, and all I could feel was loved and protected. But wasn’t that a boy’s need, to be loved and protected? A Daddy like me was supposed to provide love and protection.
Despite my initial fears, it had turned out that Elijah loved me just as much as he loved Oliver. Was Elijah’s love for me not enough? Is that why I craved for Oliver’s touch? I’d never been confused about what I wanted from a partner before, but Oliver made me rethink my own role as a dominant Daddy.
Maybe it was time to confess to myself why things were awkward between us in Elijah’s absence? Did I have feelings for my boy’s Daddy?
Now as I stood outside the bathroom door, I waited for the sound of the shower turning on. The moment it did, I headed out the front door and jogged into the forest. I’d been going on long jogs in the forest despite Oliver and Elijah’s warnings. Apparently, they were attacked by wild animals too many times to ever go out without necessary precautions, precautions that I deliberately avoided.
Clayton was my ex-boyfriend and his third death anniversary was just around the corner. It always got hard this time of the year and there was no escaping the pain. That’s what I was trying to do by running in the forest, I was trying to run away from the pain. Or maybe I had a death wish, an unconscious desire to be attacked by a wild animal and finally be reunited with Clayton.
Now as I leaned against a giant sequoia tree and panted, I looked at the river next to me. Hadn’t I been at this very spot just a few hours ago? I’d been jogging in random directions for the past five hours and I was tired and hungry, but I had finally accomplished what I had unconsciously set out to do. I was lost deep in the woods and I had no intention of finding my way back. Oliver and Elijah knew the woods well but I was still very new
to finding my way around.
I walked into the darkness of a hollow tree to rest. My stomach was rumbling and I could barely move another muscle. I lay on the bed of dead leaves and closed my eyes.
"Daddy's coming, Clayton," I mumbled as I immediately began slipping into sleep. "We'll soon be reunited, sweetheart."
I must've slept for hours before someone shook me vigorously and called out my name. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Oliver crouching on the ground before me. I wished I could've slept forever. I was having a pleasant dream, one where Clayton was on a playdate with Michael and I was watching them make a tower out of blocks. At least in my dreams, I could spend time with Clayton. The vivid dreams had started right after his death and they never really stopped.
"Wake up, Lance." He took my hand and his touch sent jolts of electricity down my spine. "I've been out here searching for you for hours."
"How did you find me?" I said, almost glad that I got to see his handsome face again.
"I met Coco in the woods and she sniffed you out with the sock I gave her." He grinned and helped me stand up. "I trained her to be a sniffer bear back when she was just a tiny cub. You're lucky she still remembers how to sniff things out. This part of the forest isn’t her territory, so there might be a hungry bear close by who wouldn't mind a human snack."
Coco was our pet bear that lived in the forest but sometimes visited us for treats and belly rubs. We hadn't seen her in weeks and Oliver said she must've been busy taking care of her cub, Teddy.
"Coco's here?" I stepped out of the tree trunk and there she was, standing nine feet tall and weighing half a ton, and yet sweet and gentle. "Elijah would've been so happy to see her again."
"He would." He stepped out too as I rubbed her belly. "He'd also be happy if you stopped trying to kill yourself."
"Oliver, I…" I stopped stroking her belly and stared at the ground. How could I explain to him what I was going through? Could anyone truly understand what it was like to go through the death of a fiancé? It was three years ago but every year on his death anniversary it felt like it was just yesterday.
"It's alright." He rubbed my back as Coco got down on all fours and licked my face. "We'll talk when we get you to safety. You must be starving. You've been gone for seven hours"
"I am. Oh, how I've missed you, my goofy girl." I stroked her fur one last time before she led us back home. As it turned out I had been running around in circles, for we were home much earlier than we should’ve been. It was amazing how she knew the shortest path to home.
"Home sweet home." He opened the door and we stepped inside. "I'll reheat the leftovers. You just have a seat and rest."
He walked over to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water. When he handed it to me, I gulped it down in seconds and let out a sigh of contentment.
"What do you have to say for yourself?" He was using his stern Daddy voice which meant he was serious. "Clearly, you're going through something and I hoped you'd tell me when you were ready, but your long jogs recently are very concerning to Elijah...and me."
"I don't know how to explain how I feel." I shook my head as he sat next to me.
"Try, for our boy's sake...and me." He rubbed my back just the way Elijah liked.
"I thought Elijah's love would be enough to forget Clayton." I stopped to see if his expressions changed, and I continued when he frowned. "I thought he'd help me move on from Clayton's death, that I wouldn't feel the pain of losing him anymore. For the past few weeks, I was at the top of the world. While I still missed Clayton, I wasn't so sad anymore. But as Clayton's death anniversary approaches, I've been feeling the pain all over again. It feels as if it’s just been days since his death and I'm still desperately trying to move on."
"Oh, Lance." He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close, and in the warmth of his body I felt so safe, tears had begun to form in my eyes. "Why wouldn't you tell us you were going through this pain?"
"Elijah's been going through enough." I sniffled and rubbed my face against his strong chest. "I didn't want to burden him with my problem."
"And there lies the problem, that you consider Clayton's death a problem to be solved, something to get over and move on." He ran a hand through my hair and kissed my head, sending shivers down my spine. "You don't move on from the death of a loved one. You grieve and you move forward, carrying the memories and celebrating their life. Nobody truly dies as long as someone remembers them."
"Clayton used to say something similar." I looked up at him and smiled, my arms now tightly wrapped around him and refusing to let go. "That nobody really dies, that nothing can either be created or destroyed. We're simply made of stardust and we go back to the universe upon death. He was a genius, much smarter than me, which is why I keep regretting it wasn't me. I should've died, not him. He died a few hours after I asked him to marry me. We were returning from a party he didn’t want to go to, but I made him. We were days away from getting married and I couldn't save him. I never even got to say goodbye. I was his Daddy and I couldn't fulfill my duty of protecting him."
"He still is your boy, and you're still his Daddy." He stroked my head again as Coco shifted her gaze between us, sitting on the floor next to the couch. "Love is the only thing that doesn't end with death. I'd have loved to have known him. But don't you see how lucky you were? You got to know him like no other, by being there with him through the most boring, vulnerable, and interesting moments of his short life."
"Knowing him truly was a privilege." I nodded and sighed. "My sweet boy was one of a kind. It was an honor to watch him do even the most mundane of tasks. It's the simple things that I miss the most, like watching him hold his stuffed dinosaur while we held hands and watched romantic films. He always got emotional when the hero or heroine died at the end. I had to comfort him with hugs and kisses. Little did I know back then that I'd have to be the one needing to be comforted because of his death."
Chapter 3: Oliver
I had to use my Daddy voice in hopes it would have the same effect it had on our boy. I wasn’t sure it would work on another Daddy, but I was glad when it did. Daddies needed their boys to know when it was playtime and when it was time to get serious. Just as I had hoped, my stern voice made Lance open up about how he truly felt. He felt miserable but he had gotten into the habit of pretending to be happy for our sake, a habit that needed to end. We were willing to help him, but how could we do it if he didn’t let us in?
Sometimes boys just wanted their Daddies to listen to them, and while Lance wasn’t my boy it was what he really needed right now. And so I decided to listen, to let him pour his worries out in the open instead of ruminating over them in his head, where they must’ve repeated over and over thousands of times, eating him from inside out until he was nothing but a worrying and anxious mess.
“I’ve been questioning my love for Elijah recently,” he said after a long silence, blinking his blurry eyes. ”What I feel for Elijah feels just like what I felt for Clayton, but how can I love him if I’m still in love with my ex? It just doesn’t make any sense.”
“You’re being silly, Lance.” I smiled to try and comfort him. “Do you think Elijah truly loves us both?”
“Yes.” He nodded as I wiped his tears.
“If Elijah can love two men then so can you.” I kissed his forehead and stroked his head, pulling him in closer.
I looked him in his beautiful narrow eyes and he blushed. Why was I feeling this sudden need to hold him close and kiss him on the lips? He was a Daddy after all, not a boy. It didn’t make any sense, but I wanted to protect and care for him as I did for Elijah.
“You’re right.” He smiled and looked away when my gaze caused his cheeks to turn red. “I didn’t think about that.”
His body was so close to mine, his head now going back to rest against my chest as he rubbed his face in my shirt. I could almost feel his warm breath on my chest and when he looked up at me again with his beautiful eyes, he looked so vulnerable I ju
st wanted to kiss him on the lips and tell him everything was going to be okay, to let go of his worries and fears for I was there for him, that I was going to take care of everything.
When we sat there in silence, my gaze shifted between his eyes and lips. How would his lips feel pressed up against mine? They didn’t look as soft as Elijah’s but I had a strong feeling that they’d feel just as good.
When he blushed and looked away again, I blinked rapidly to bring myself back to reality. This was my boy’s Daddy who just needed to be comforted and it was so inappropriate to think about kissing him. Just because he needed a shoulder to cry on didn’t mean he needed a Daddy to take care of him. I was a Daddy myself and I knew how Daddies thought. They wanted to be dominant and liked to take charge. Besides, Elijah would be heartbroken if he ever found out his Daddies were kissing behind his back. He was a good boy and the last thing he needed was his Daddies to develop feelings for each other in his absence.
Maybe I was misreading the situation anyway. After all, he’d been ignoring me ever since he moved in with us, and he’d been distant the past few days. Did he not like me? Or was it because he was going through tough times? Either way, it came off as if he was trying to avoid me. I didn’t blame him though. There was no rule book on how to hang out with your boy’s other Daddy, but simple small talk would’ve been nice.
A part of me wanted to hold him in my arms for hours, but I knew he didn’t feel the same.
I cleared my throat when he looked back at me, pulling away from him and letting go of his body with hesitation. “Anyway, feel free to talk to me about anything that’s on your mind. I know I’m busier than usual, but I always have time for you. I’ll be back with dinner in a minute. You must be real hungry.”
I was in the process of taking my business back from my brother, who had barely managed to maintain the profits. I let him handle it for years because I had lost interest in everything when I moved into the woods to lead a simple life. But now that I had a strong reason to live in Elijah, I wanted to get back in it, to expand my business and open up a few more offices in bigger cities to grow. I wanted to provide for my boy with everything he could ever dream of. As a Daddy, I wanted to spoil him and take him on that trip to Germany that I know he’d been saving up for.
