Envy

by Katie May

  Why did it feel so weird to laugh with him? To smile? Why did it feel like I was disrespecting Diego's memory? I knew it was irrational, but the thought remained, hounding me. A barrage of assaults against my mind and heart.

  It felt wrong to be happy when he was dead. When my parents were dead. When S, my first love, was dead.

  And I hated it.

  I didn't know if I hated my self-loathing, my inability to hold onto happiness, or the fact that I was happy in the first place. My stomach was a tumultuous mixture of grief and confusion. I knew that it would be nearly impossible to get my emotions pacified.

  "I get it," Lupe said suddenly. His face brightened like a lightbulb glowing beneath the surface. I resisted the urge to squirm uncomfortably at his knowing, all-seeing stare. "You don't think you deserve to be happy."

  "I don't know what you're talking about," I snarked feeling abnormally vulnerable. In a matter of seconds, Lupe had stripped me bare, revealing all the broken and twisted parts of me to his inquisitive eyes. Was this what having mates meant? Would I always feel like that?

  I didn't know if I loved it or hated it.

  Loved him or hated him.

  "I think you do." One of his big hands captured mine. "You're still grieving Diego and even Mali. You miss S and your parents. Hell, you even miss the simplicity of your relationship with Devlin. I get it. I do. This all happened so suddenly, and you don't know up from down. Z, I see you. I understand."

  I wrenched my hands free from his, trembling. "I don't want you to fucking see me. I don't want anyone to see me. Don't you get that? Don't you understand? I never asked to be your mate, and I already suck at it."

  "Z..." he whispered helplessly. I knew he was going to try to reassure me, tell me that I was a perfect mate, that I was deserving of his love, regardless that it would be falling on willfully deaf ears. "You're right."

  "I'm right?" I asked, raising a brow.

  Well...that wasn't what I expected.

  "You don't know how to be in a relationship, and you sure as hell don't know how to love someone."

  His words stung, slamming into me with the force of a Mage's spell. I physically staggered back a step.

  "Gee, thanks," I said dryly, turning away. I refused to let him see that his words had hurt me.

  "Z, just listen for a damn minute!" he snapped, and I paused, my back to him. I could hear his heavy breathing accompanied by loud footsteps. In a matter of seconds, he was directly behind me, the heat from his body warming my own. "You talk too much."

  "Some people say it's part of my charm," I deadpanned.

  Ignoring me, he placed a large, callused hand on my waist. I always wondered what he did to cause such calluses and peeled blisters. From what I gathered and knew of him, he spent very little time outside of the library.

  "None of us know what it's like to have a mate. To be in a relationship. Do you think I know? Do you think any of us know? Devlin fucked it up the first time. Killian hadn't been able to last more than five minutes alone in a room with a girl before blurting out anatomy parts. Bash has had more lovers than I could ever count." I stiffened at the last statement, the ugly green monster coming out to play with a vengeance. The last thing I wanted to think about was my mate with another female.

  Especially Bash, which surprised me.

  I hated him, but at the same time, I sort of liked him. Maybe. Just a smidge.

  "What I'm saying is, we can work on this together. This relationship thing. Z, you deserve to be loved.”

  "Wow," a sly voice said from the corner of the room. I jumped, recognizing the lilt and husky tone immediately. "That was deep. You changed my entire outlook on life and love."

  "Ryland," I said, peering into the darkness. His shadowy form moved until it was hovering at the very top of the wooden wall, dark legs dangling. The shadows clung to him, black tendrils that obscured his features from view.

  Except for the one time I had seen his face...

  "Princess," Ryland replied immediately. He moved once more, jumping from the wall and swinging on the rope swing. The shadows moved with him, curling upwards, until he was directly in front of me. The wispy shadows danced in the skylight roof.

  "Were you spying on us?" I asked, cocking my hip to the side. I shouldn't have been surprised. Ryland had a strange fascination....read as: fetish...with watching people. Lurking in the corners of rooms, the rest of the world oblivious. Listening but never speaking.

  Shadows were descended from Pride, and it was rumored that they hid their faces because the rest of the world wasn't allowed to look upon them. With Ryland, I believed he hid his face for an entirely different reason.

  A reason I was determined to get to the bottom of, even if it killed me.

  "I like spying on you," he said easily.

  "Creep." I smiled to soften my words.

  "Only for you."

  "If you're done now..." Lupe's voice was tight with irritation. "We were talking."

  "Excuse me for interrupting your moment. What was next? Romantic stories? A love poem? Ohhh! Maybe you planned to show her that portrait you made of her when she was sleeping."

  Lupe's face turned red at Ryland's words, and I turned to face the Shifter with a hand on my hip.

  "Really? When I was sleeping?"

  "So when he stalks you, it's romantic, but when I do it, it's creepy." He threw his hands up into the air. "I can never please you, woman."

  Rolling my eyes at his antics, I slapped him on the chest.

  "So are we doing this?" I asked, nodding towards the obstacle course.

  Lupe grimaced, but I imagined Ryland would be smiling brightly.

  "A woman after my own heart," he cooed dramatically.

  Without another word, I threw myself at the course.

  HOURS LATER, I found myself dripping in sweat. It clung to my skin like a glossy sheen. My body felt unnaturally heavy, weighted. Halfway through the obstacle course, my nose began to bleed, but a quick trip to the bathroom had stopped the heavy flow. Sweat and copper from my nosebleed permeated the air. Poor Lupe and his keen Shifter senses. I probably smelled something awful at the moment.

  Fortunately, he wasn't faring much better. His dark hair was plastered to his forehead, and his breathing was ragged.

  "Never again," he huffed, flopping onto his back and extending his arms. I moved to sit down beside him, wrapping my arm around my knees.

  "Baby," I smirked.

  "Trust me." He tilted his head up to meet my eyes, smile devious. Devilish. "I am nothing but man."

  Heat pooled in both my cheeks and core.

  "And I'm disgusted," Ryland quipped from where he was sitting opposite us. The shadows were still pulled tightly around his person, but I could see a flash of icy blue eyes peering through the tar-like blackness. "That was an awful pickup line."

  "Pickup line?" Lupe retorted, still grinning at me. I liked seeing him smile. He always looked so serious, as if he was weighed down by the entire world. I wasn't sure if he would ever be carefree, but I enjoyed seeing this side of him. "I was only speaking the truth."

  My dumbass mouth blurted the first thing I could think of. "Prove it."

  Totally didn't consider the implications of such a statement.

  Lupe's eyebrows touched his hairline even as his smile broadened.

  Ryland chuckled.

  "I think she wants us to whip out our dicks," he said to Lupe.

  "What is it with females and their fascination with male dicks?" the burly Shifter mused. I had no doubt that it would be just as big as the rest of him.

  "Females?" I asked teasingly. "As in, more than one?"

  Okay, half-teasingly. I would probably maim any female who dared get too close to my males, let alone see their dicks.

  A large hand cupped my breast from behind, and I hissed slightly in pleasure. This touch was followed by the lightest brush of lips against my neck. Eagerly, I tilted my head to grant him better access.

  "Only one fo
r me," Lupe murmured. His tongue snuck out to lick my skin, a growl rumbling in his chest. "And you, Ryland?"

  The Shadow materialized inches from my face. Those blue eyes stood out like a white dot on a black sheet of paper. They were so blue, waves cresting against the shoreline, and I knew I could get lost in them. I could tumble head over heel in a riptide, drowning. It would be the sweetest death imaginable.

  "One for me as well, brother."

  Lupe's fingers pinched my nipple through my thin, black shirt and bra, and I practically purred.

  "I don't think there has ever been a girl as beautiful as you," Lupe murmured into my neck. His hot breath fanned out against my skin.

  "You're so full of shit," I breathed.

  "Nope." Ryland popped his p. "But we are biased."

  "Rightfully so," Lupe added. His lips moved to my earlobe, tugging it between his teeth. I groaned low in my throat.

  The feel of his hard, muscled body behind mine...

  Desperately, I grabbed his neck and brought his lips to my own. He conceded without a fight, opening his mouth to devour me completely. His tongue tangled with mine, and I felt his hand push up my shirt and bra, revealing my breasts.

  The cold air had already made my nipples hard, but his touch brought me to almost decadent levels.

  His fingers pinched and tugged, his thumb circling my peak. His free hand crept lower, towards the waistband of my pants, before thrusting inside. I gasped as his finger entered my already wet slit.

  "You're so wet for me, babygirl," he whispered, pulling his lips from mine. "So fucking ready."

  His lips trailed down my neck, across my shirt that was pushed up to my neck, and then landed on my breasts. His tongue snaked out and swirled over my nipple before pulling it completely into his mouth. I gasped, arching my back at the sensation.

  Down below, his finger began its relentless pursuit, bringing me to that edge of oblivion. A second finger joined the first, and I thought I would orgasm then and there. The feel of him inside of me, even if it was just a finger, was very near overwhelming. I felt so safe in his strong arms. So loved. Electricity shot through my nerves, lighting me up.

  Movement captured my attention.

  The shadows around Ryland had receded slightly, revealing a dark hand around a straining cock. I wondered if he even realized he was doing it as he stroked himself in tandem to Lupe's fingers fucking me.

  My lips parted, and a breathy exhale left me.

  As Lupe continued to lift me higher and higher, I kept my focus on Ryland.

  His large, dark hand moved erratically over his length. Another hand cupped his balls, fondling them.

  He made a noise, a combination between a groan and a howl, before he came, spilling his seed across the mat.

  That was my undoing. I stumbled face first over that cliff I had found myself on, a scream lodged in my throat. I came around Lupe's expert fingers, tears in my eyes and inarticulate praises escaping me.

  Ryland pulled the shadows around him once more, hiding his cock from my eager eyes. I wanted to pout in disappointment.

  Lupe continued to finger fuck me through my orgasm, finally pulling out when I was well sated and spent. Almost absently, he placed his fingers into his mouth and began to lick them clean. I watched it all with hooded, lust-filled eyes.

  These men were going to fucking destroy me.

  "Well..." Ryland chuckled breathily. "That was fun."

  I collapsed against Lupe's chest, my breathing heavy and my mind spinning.

  Yup. Destroy.

  NINE

  Z

  Devlin was once again on my ass.

  And not in the good way.

  The second I walked into my room, the post-orgasmic bliss washing over me, he pounced. His immaculately pressed suit was unbuttoned, showcasing a healthy layer of chest hair. Dark bruises rimmed his violet eyes, and his pouty lips were pursed.

  "Where were you?" he asked instantly. It looked as if he’d worn a hole in the rug from his repeated pacing.

  "Why?" I asked snarkily. "Are you my keeper now?"

  His lips tightened into a thin line.

  "You disappeared. Again. Without even a fucking note."

  "So you are my keeper," I mused. I stepped around him, towards the immense shower in the bathroom. It was able to fit approximately three people and had jet streams that could massage your ass. Diego had loved this damn shower - probably more than he loved me.

  Ignoring the probing gaze I could feel on my back, I slipped out of my sweat-soaked shirt and pants. Dressed in only my panties and bra, I turned to look at him, placing my hands on my hips. The anger in his eyes diminished instantly to be replaced by a carnal hunger. Heat radiated from his eyes, warming my skin and seeping through to my very bones.

  "I was worried," he said cautiously. His eyes continued to mentally, relentlessly, undress me. Normally, I would've ripped him a new one, but I was still riding the wave of my last orgasm. If Devlin - handsome, perfect Devlin - wanted to give me another? Who was I to complain?

  "I'm not stupid," Devlin continued as I turned on the water. I tentatively placed a hand beneath the spray, gauging the temperature, before deciding that it needed to be warmer. "I know about your past."

  "My past," I said succinctly. "What do you think you know?"

  "That you worked for the Alphabet Resistance." He took a step closer. The heat in his eyes belied the coldness of his words. My body tensed, electricity shooting through my nerves and not in a good way. Instead of answering, I shoved my hand back into the water. Perfect temperature.

  "I killed people, you know," I whispered, reaching behind me to absently unhook my bra. I heard his sharp intake of breath, but I ignored it. Ignored him. "Killed people that you might've known. Genies, for one. Other Nightmares. I was supposed to kill you and your brothers, but I think you already know that."

  Slipping the straps down my arms, I turned, holding the gauzy fabric to my chest in order to keep some semblance of modesty. Who was I kidding? When it came to these men, I had not a modest bone in my body. Still, it felt odd to confess this to him completely naked.

  Devlin watched me for a long moment, an undefinable expression flickering across his handsome face. When the silence became unbearable, suffocating even, I turned around. My bra fell to the ground unceremoniously, and I leaned down to remove my underwear as well. Through it all, I could feel his eyes caressing my bare flesh. The wanton desire in his gaze was impossible to ignore, evident despite my confession.

  Despite the fact that I had murdered people.

  "I don't care," he answered at last, voice terse.

  A laugh bubbled out of me, but I tampered it down with a hand to my mouth. There was no joy, no mirth, in that sound. It was cold and heartless.

  "How could you not?" I whispered, finally stepping beneath the spray. I leaned over to grab my body wash, the heady scent of pomegranates invading my senses. This particular soap always appeared in my room. I had a distinct feeling that my mates were behind it...or, at the very least, one in particular. I wasn't completely oblivious to Lupe's sniffing tendencies.

  "I’ve killed too." His voice was a whisper. He still did not move closer, his silhouette visible through the steamed glass of the shower. "I’ve murdered, Z. I'm not innocent."

  "I never said you were." The last word I would ever associate with Devlin Genie was innocent. My heart ricocheted, one beat away from completely breaking free of my ribcage.

  Why was everything so difficult with him? Why was I so determined to break things off before they could even begin?

  I knew the answer to those questions, though a part of me wished I didn't. It would be much easier to live in my oblivious, diminutive bubble, unaware of the rest of the world and my own damn feelings.

  The truth was, Devlin had hurt me once. Hurt me beyond repair. What little pieces of my heart I had given him, he had shattered. Did he think of me as I had thought of him when we were apart? Did he regret breaking me, break
ing my heart?

  "Those men we met..." Devlin took a step closer. His black jacket fell to the floor beside my clothes. "They're assassins too, right? They're a part of the resistance." Though it started as a question, it ended as a statement of fact. There was no denying it; somehow, Devlin knew everything. No surprise. We weren't exactly subtle about it.

  "Yes," I answered evenly. I rubbed the soap across my body, down my arms and over my breasts. I paid extra attention to my nipples, pulling them between my soapy fingers.

  I heard the sound of his belt coming undone.

  "You scared the shit out of me when you left, you know that?" I didn't respond to him, focusing instead on my shampoo. I massaged it into my scalp, tilting my head up to catch the blistering hot water on my face. "Why would you do something so fucking stupid? Especially when you know you have a target on your back."

  The shower door opened and closed, and Devlin moved to stand in the spray beside me. His naked, chiseled body dribbled with rivulets of water, his cock already half-erect. Without a word, he stepped closer, replacing my hands in my hair as he rubbed the shampoo into my scalp. I very nearly groaned at the sensation. The feel of him.

  "It was stupid," I admitted. "But I couldn't stay here."

  "Because you run." Again, it wasn't a question.

  "And you're afraid," I retorted. There was no malice in my statement, though, only understanding. For the first time, Devlin wasn't difficult to read.

  "I'm fucking terrified, babygirl," he whispered. "I can't lose you again."

  I spun in his arms, memorizing his features. God, he was so fucking perfect. And he was mine. All mine. My eyes traced over his olive-toned face, those high cheekbones, those penetrating violet eyes that always saw through me. My gaze drifted lower, over his chiseled abs to his straining cock and down his toned, muscular legs. Perfect didn't even begin to describe him. Even with water streaming down his face and his hair disheveled, he was as beautiful as always.

  "Prove it," I whispered hotly, stepping closer. My breasts brushed his chest, and I heard him inhale sharply. "Prove to me how much you love me. That you're mine."