by K. S. Adkins
Flipping it over it said, “You and I are even now. You chose life, now go live it. ~Gage”
Clutching it in my hand, slowly I sink down to the floor. So I asked myself, why despite the betrayal would I leave him everything? My answer was easy, because I knew in the end he wouldn’t betray me. Because the man I loved was good.
And he just let me go.
Convincing Bet to love me seemed like the biggest job I’ve ever had. I was wrong. Convincing Bet to forgive me was. Granted I ain’t talked to her since but it’s killing me because I let her go without knowing the answer. Flashbacks of the showdown in her kitchen never leave me. Bet taking a bullet for me, my shooting Adrian in the head for her. It was a miracle there was a gun within grabbing distance because without it, she could have died.
Watching a hit man work on getting a bullet out of her shoulder was rough. Then her asking me to leave when she woke up about killed me. Not knowing what else to do I sent her a few messages then shut my phone down. Sully did it for Boo, I had to do this for Bet. Doing the right thing sucked a dick. My God damn heart was broken.
I broke my own heart.
After squaring some shit up at my place, I showed up to see Rion, like Loyal demanded. Come to find out, in my absence, she married his ass. I wasn’t surprised or jealous, in fact, I was happy for her. Meeting Bet changed my life, showed me that sometimes what you think you know, you don’t. Sometimes it takes someone else to show you. Loyal did that for Rion and Bet did that for me.
Bet believed in me, saw good in me, she had fucking trusted me.
Loyal stepped up when Rion needed help. I put Bet in harm’s way when she needed help. Loyal rescued Rion. Bet rescued herself and saved my life.
And let’s not forget kept me from prison, too. Had she called the cops there’s no doubt that’s exactly where I’d be. That’s exactly where I deserved to be.
So that’s where I went.
The weeks without Bet turned into months without her. My life had one purpose and I was where I needed to be now to make that happen. Rion and Loyal both told me I was fucking stupid, that what I was doing was pointless, but did I listen? No.
I owed Bet a debt and the days of people keeping me out of trouble stopped with her.
Letting her go wasn’t what I wanted but I had to do it. Now I owed it to her and myself to right this wrong. Rion insisted she could help, demanded to even, but I refused. Rion is big on second chances and Bet is too, considering she could have set me up to take the fall and didn’t.
I didn’t deserve a second chance this time, I didn’t deserve to be a free man either.
So my decision had been easy.
Despite a broken heart, I started a new tradition. Every morning I went into the city for coffee and engaged people for no other reason than to get back to basics. I am a member of this community and it was time to get back out there and at the very least, get some fresh air. Okay so that lasted three days, whatever I tried. With winter only weeks away, I do as I always do and sit out on my patio curled up in blankets embracing the freeze. To say I’m cold would be an understatement. I’ve tried to move on but it simply wasn’t possible. Some days I managed it by staying too busy to melt down. Tonight though, the grief over missing Rio was crushing me. Two weeks ago I wrote a check made payable to Rio for the project we talked about. There was passion in his eyes when he spoke of opening a place where people could come for second chances and I wanted him at the very least to have that.
After all, it’s what he’d done for me when I needed it most and it was my way of saying thank you without the go fuck yourself attached to it.
I had called in a favor to a few guys I know and asked them to track him down. They had given me his last known address and that was all they could find. I sat out front wanting to knock on his door but I didn’t. Instead, I punked out and mailed it. But today, the envelope was returned to me unopened.
When he had said goodbye, he’d meant it. Even knowing I was bequeathing my money to him he never asked for a dime and I knew he never would when the return to sender stared at me from the table.
All hope I’d had vanished.
With no wine to dull the pain, I embraced it.
Grief and I were old friends and part of me missed it. Grief was what I knew, like riding a bike they say. Crying myself to sleep wasn’t anything new, I’d been doing it for months now. At first the guilt over missing Rio more than I missed Alan made me cry. Then it was wondering what having a family with Rio would be like that made me do it. It was not having parents to talk to that tore me up and it was wondering if they were disappointed in me that made me bawl.
Everything made me fall apart because not only did I lose my family, I lost him and right now I missed him more than anything. This was the loss I feared, the one I’d hoped to be spared from but wasn’t. The simple truth was I wasn’t handling it well, at all.
So this morning when I woke up, I decided to work from home. I never work from home because it’s not a home, it’s an empty house. After making my calls, returning emails, and scheduling appointments, I put on my rubber boots, roll up my sweat pants and sink to my knees to plant my mums.
This was a tradition I shared with my mom that I planned to share with Indie only… changing that train of thought, of course my mind goes right back to him. It’s been months, I scold myself. Quit waiting for something to happen because it isn’t. He’s gone, he’s not coming back.
Digging my fingers into the soil I wanted to scream. He didn’t love me. He didn’t want to save me. He wanted to save himself and maybe in his shoes I’d have done the same. Rio was in a bad situation and wasn’t anticipating me but then he still lied now, didn’t he? But it felt so real! People can’t fake love! Digging my fingers in further I remember that I was, in fact, one of those people and my spiral went out of control. The finality of it all was hard. Days after he left I even texted him asking him to come back, I begged for it and he never answered. For two weeks I slept with my phone, just in case. God I was a glutton for punishment.
“Excuse me, Bet Lennox?”
Without turning toward the voice, I close my eyes in frustration. Nice security system, Bet! Shit. “I think she just figured out we overrode her security system.” This from an unknown male.
“How much?” I ask while continuing to plant.
“How much?” she asks clearly confused.
“Yes,” I repeat, “How much do you want?”
“Uh, I don’t want anything but a minute of your time, if you don’t mind.”
“I do mind,” I mumble, “I was in the middle of something. You didn’t give your names, or was that on purpose?”
“Sorry,” she says while reaching for the large man’s hand to hold. “My name is Rion and this is---”
“Loyal,” I finish, “How can I possibly help you?”
“You’ve heard of us?”
“A lot actually,” I tell them brushing my knees off to stand up, “I’d invite you in bu---”
“Here,” says Loyal handing me an envelope, “Read it, that’s why we broke in.”
“Jesus, Loyal,” she says smacking him, “Lighten the hell up.”
“Why don’t you just tell me what it says.”
“I’d really prefer if you read it---” she tries before he finishes for her. “Rio’s in prison.”
All the breath leaves me in an instant. Just like that my knees leave me too. But just before I hit the dirt, Loyal uses one big arm to hold me up. Holding onto him with all I’ve got, I focus on my breathing and find that I can’t.
Then he’s there rubbing my back while Rion taps my face gently. “Prison?” I whisper, “What did he do?”
“Well---” starts Rion but again it’s Loyal who cuts to the chase and I appreciate that. “Turned himself in for setting you up, told that detective the part he played in following you and bringing you home to Adrian. Then he confessed to killing him.”
“What?” I sputter, “I went to a lot of
fucking trouble to cover that up!”
“We said the same thing,” says Rion coming to my side. “He‘s punishing himself.”
“Punish---,” I try and find myself getting weak again.
“When’s the last time you ate woman?” he asks me.
“Ate?” I return, “What in the hell does food have to do with any of this?”
“I’m the only thing holding you up,” he reminds me, “You smell like shit, too. So I’ll ask again, last time you ate?”
“I don’t know,” I admit waving him off, “I have to get him out.”
“That’s why we’re here,” she says, “I’m an attorney, sorta, but he’s even refusing my help. Rio can’t go down for killing Adrian or he’ll never get out. Please read that letter, Bet.”
“Okay.”
Opening it up with shaky fingers, I spread the paper out and start from the top. It’s short and to the point with no declarations of love which I was secretly hoping for. Blinking rapidly, I stare at the letter not quite believing what I’d just read. Rio had asked for prison, refused Rion’s help and requested that I specifically was never to visit him. Looking back up at the pair, I sum it up. “Rio won’t spend another night in prison for killing Adrian,” I offer, “I’ll handle it.”
“Thank fuck,” says Loyal pulling her to his side. Rion wipes a tear away and smiles at me then out of nowhere pulls me into a fierce hug.
“He loves you,” she whispers, “Rio shines with it. He told me he owed you, that you gave him a second chance instead of putting him away, which no one would blame you if you did, by the way. Thank you for doing that for him, but he needs another one, don’t you think?”
“Absolutely,” I tell her, squeezing her back. “He’ll be out by dinner.”
“You can do that?” asks Loyal.
“I’m stupid rich,” I tell him, “I can do whatever the hell I want.”
“I like you,” he says, “You could do better than him but---”
“Loyal!” she says on a screech.
“What? I’m just saying, I mean look at her then look at him.”
“If you knew me, you’d realize you have that backward,” I tell him, “Rio saved my life.”
“Care to explain?” he asks.
“Had he not come into my life, I was in the process of hiring someone to kill me.”
“You’re fucking joking.” He says narrowing his eyes.
“Uh, I don’t think she is, Loyal.” She says looking at me with fresh eyes.
“You ain’t joking are you?” he asks doing the same.
“Fraid not,” I say showing them to the garage, “Come inside, we have work to do.”
“Yeah,” Loyal says agreeing. “Let’s start with gettin’ you a sandwich.”
Two hours, lunch, and one phone call later, it was done.
Rio was a free man.
Of all the schemes I’ve run over the years, confessing to murder probably wasn’t the brightest. It was almost comical how the DPD didn’t even know how to arrest me over the death of Adrian Lennox. Granted, I had to lie my ass off about how I got rid of the body and his buddies involved but when I was done, they locked me up. Around here, people don’t confess to anything so when someone does they waste no time in making their numbers look good. Especially when you have a record.
The thought of righting my wrongs is what pushed me to do it and now I’m left with nothing but regret. The regret was a pill too big for me to swallow. I left my life undone, I ran from her, I was a coward. I didn’t fight for her like I promised I would. I didn’t make her fall in love with me either.
And now I’m stuck here.
Fuck.
Thoughts of her is what keeps me sane. Hoping she’s happy, thinking about her making a difference and maybe even finding a man that could make her smile. No, I didn’t want her with someone else but I let her go and it wasn’t fair to expect her to never find love again. Even if deep down I wanted it to be only me. Prison life ain’t easy. Granted, I’m not in a maximum security facility but, fuck you, prison is prison. A few hours of daylight and fresh air ain’t enough to get by on. Working out is the only activity I have that passes the time and time passes slowly here. I’ve dropped weight, leaned out and stopped shaving the second day in. My last trip by a mirror was so shocking, I hardly recognized myself and stood there for a solid three minutes just staring at what I’d become.
I looked like a savage.
A criminal.
In reality I was both of those things, yet I still wanted to be more.
I wanted to be better.
“Martin,” I hear from outside the door. Turning my head, I see a guard coming toward me so I put the weights down.
“Yeah?” I return.
“Let’s go.” He orders me and having no choice, I follow. He leads me to a generic holding room that looks like a spot for conferences or where you’d meet your attorney. Walking in, I’m instructed to sit, so I do. He leaves but doesn’t lock the door behind him. Okay, so that’s new.
Resting my elbows on the table, I run my fingers through my long hair wishing I could see her one more time. Hold her, tell her she’s fucking priceless and beg her to forgive me. I’d let her know she changed my life the second I heard her voice from my side of the privacy fence. I’d promise her that for the rest of my life, I’d be straight. Only doing good and making her happy, but fuck even I know that’s not in the cards for me.
When the door opens, I don’t bother looking up. Whoever it is doesn’t matter because it wouldn’t be her.
“Hello, Rio.”
My heart starts to race the second her voice registers. Closing my eyes, I can’t even look up for fear I’m imagining it. Christ, I want her so badly I’m hallucinating now.
“Rio?”
Slowly raising my head and opening my eyes when they focus on her it’s all I can do to stay seated. Then shame washes over for me for what I did to her, what she did for me and I didn’t want her to see me laid low like this.
“Made it clear, no visitors. Especially you.” I tell her bluntly then turn away so she can’t see how much it hurts.
“You can’t mean that,” she says quietly. God dammit I can smell her. She smells like sunshine and salvation.
“Not big on saying things I don’t mean, leave Bet. This ain’t no place for you.”
“But it’s a place for you?”
“I belong here.”
“No, Rio,” she says firmly. “You don’t.”
“The fuck do you want?”
“I’ve missed you,” she whispers, “So much.”
“Leave the way you came in and you can miss me from out there.”
“Don’t do this,” she pleads and it’s fucking killing me. “Rio?”
“You hard of hearing?” I yell, “I already scrapped you off once, I really gotta do it again? Need me to convince you I don’t give a fuck?”
“Who are you?” she barely manages because she’s started to cry. Those tears gutted me because Bet wasn’t ever supposed to cry over me. She also looked different but I was too fucking ashamed to place the change.
“This is me!” I yell again only this time, I toss the chair from the table to the corner. “This is who I am! A thief! I’ll steal from anyone for a price. You should know that considering how easily I stole from you! Get the fuck out! Go find your charity case elsewhere!”
“I thought you loved me,” she says standing her ground.
“I did, too,” I tell her while looking her straight in the eyes from across the room. “Then I stopped listening to my dick.”
Nodding once she backs away from me in favor of the door. Not once did her eyes leave mine. Watching as the tears rolled down her cheeks, she didn’t say another word, when she opened the door and not even when she closed it. Grief takes me over and I stumble to the door to place my hand there. I may have gotten my wish but all I had to do was look at her and know she deserves a good man.
Not a fucking two-bit thie
f.
“Love you, little Bet,” I whisper, “I’m sorry.”
Then taking my seat, I put my hands in my lap and wait for the guard to take me back to my hell hole. Five minutes pass, ten then another five when the door opens and he tosses my bag on the table.
“See you on the outside,” he says crossing his arms over his chest.
“What?”
“You’re free,” he says turning away, “Second door on your right down the hall is processing. Make sure all your shit’s in that bag when you sign out.”
“Sign out?”
“Your woman,” he says smiling, “She must really love you and know the right people.”
“Fuck.” I mumble.
“That’s exactly what I’d be doing if she were mine, bro, not sitting in here staring at the floor. You didn’t belong here in the first place. Go.”
Jumping up like I was on fire, I grabbed my bag and hauled ass to processing. Twenty minutes later I was standing outside the doors staring at an empty lot and she was nowhere to be found.
She came for me and I destroyed her for it.
What have I done?
With my palm pressed against the door, I swore I could feel him on the other side doing the same. But then his words registered and I took a step back. Even knowing he didn’t mean them didn’t remove the hurt. He may have said it but you could see doing so destroyed him. He may love me like he says, but he didn’t want a future and I couldn’t force him. I’d done my part and was rejected anyway, so I ran to my truck and never looked back.
Rio didn’t want me, I knew for certain now.
The thought of staying in town didn’t appeal to me. Everything hurt right now, even my hair. I just wanted to lick my wounds in private. Merging onto the freeway I knew exactly where I wanted to go. Back to the one place where I was able to be me. When my phone rings, I look on the display and hit answer.
“Hello, Rion.”
“Do you have any idea how cool it is to have a friend named Bet?” she asks enthusiastically. We haven’t known each other but a handful of hours but she’s dear to me already because she’s as real as they come. All these years I waited to have a girlfriend and I couldn’t keep her. God, the hits just keeping coming. “You knew I was a bookie, right? I mean the odds of a bookie having a friend named Bet are… Okay, well I’d have to work on those odds, but that’s later. Is Rio with you? You guys wanna be alone first for some…. some…. or maybe do dinner at our place?”
