Falling Again for Her Island Fling

by Ellie Darkins

  But she had to know what she was getting into. He was laying everything on the table and had no doubt it would send her running.

  ‘I’m not good for you, Meena,’ he said. He waited a moment for the words to sink in, waiting for her to pull away, but she still didn’t.

  ‘I don’t think I believe that,’ she said at last. ‘If what you’ve told me is true, then the Meena who knew you before thought that you were. And I’m learning to trust her judgement.’

  He let out a sigh. ‘She knew a different me. It was a long time ago.’

  ‘I’m not sure people change that much,’ Meena said with a small shrug against his body. ‘I think we might be proof of that. Neither of us planned this, or expected it. And yet here we are. Again.’

  ‘I mean it, Meena,’ Guy said, sitting up a little straighter, trying to break the intimacy between them. ‘I’ve done things in the last seven years that I’m ashamed of. I’ve hurt people. People have died. I don’t deserve you.’

  She looked up at that, meeting his gaze with narrowed eyes.

  ‘Someone died? You hurt them on purpose?’ she asked, wary.

  He sighed. It was always the wrong question. ‘No. Not on purpose, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t my fault. I should have been able to save her. I just...couldn’t. I was so wrapped up in my own problems...’

  Which made it sound less bad than it had really been. If he had taken better care of Charlotte, if he had at least been with her when she’d taken those pills instead of passed out drunk at home, he could have done something. The fact that the damage he’d caused hadn’t been intentional didn’t absolve him. He should have known better than to get involved with someone when he was still so broken after Meena.

  ‘Guy, you’re scaring me. I need you to tell me what happened. Who died?’

  He shook his head, unable to believe that he was going to have to tell her this. ‘My girlfriend,’ he said, trying to keep his voice light. ‘The girl I started seeing after I got back to Australia.’

  ‘How did she die?’ Meena asked, her frank gaze giving him nowhere to hide.

  He shook his head, covering his eyes. He wished he didn’t have to do this, but Meena needed to know. ‘She took some pills in a club. I was meant to be there with her, but I’d passed out at home and never made it. If I’d been there, I would have seen that something was wrong. I would have gotten her help sooner. I know it.’

  Meena went silent for a moment after he spoke, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what she was thinking.

  ‘You didn’t give her the pills?’ she asked, a crease appearing between her eyebrows.

  His eyes snapped to hers. ‘Of course not.’

  ‘And you didn’t make her take them?’

  He shook his head. ‘No. I didn’t want her to take pills. I’d told her before that I didn’t like it.’

  Meena shook her head. ‘Then I don’t see how you can think that this is your fault.’

  ‘Because I should have been there with her!’ Guy burst out, emotion making his words sharp. ‘Charlotte shouldn’t have been alone in some disgusting toilet of a dodgy club. If I’d been there with her, I would have got her help sooner. If I’d been able to control my own drinking, control my own feelings...’

  ‘You drank a lot?’ Meena asked. ‘After you got back to Australia?’

  He nodded. ‘I thought it would help.’

  ‘Did it?’

  ‘Of course it didn’t. And then Charlotte died and everything was so much worse.’

  ‘It wasn’t your fault, Guy.’ Meena said the words gently, dropping her head and forcing him to meet her eyes. ‘You’re a good man. You deserve to be happy.’

  ‘I’m not sure I have it in me, Meena. After I left here, and you didn’t come, my heart broke—I broke. I tried to start again. But it didn’t matter how much I tried. Because I could never feel it. It was never the same. Never real. And so I drank to try and convince myself that it didn’t hurt. Charlotte died, and it was a tragedy. But it wasn’t the same as losing you. Nothing was real, after you.’

  She fell quiet, and it wasn’t until he finally looked up and saw her face that she said, ‘This feels pretty real.’

  ‘This isn’t love,’ he said, shaking his head. It couldn’t be. Because the implications of that were just too frightening to consider.

  ‘Right.’ She edged away from him slightly, caution making her wrap her arms around herself. He hated that he had sent her into self-protection mode. But it was for the best. She should be on her guard around him.

  ‘See! I’m doing it already,’ he pointed out.

  ‘I’m annoyed, Guy. Not heartbroken.’ She sat up a little straighter now, pinning him with a glare before she continued. ‘So, let me be sure I have this right. Because someone sold your girlfriend dodgy drugs, and she died due to events beyond either of your control, you’ve decided you’re incapable of having a relationship.’ Guy nodded. ‘That sounds pretty stupid to me.’

  ‘Well, thanks for your understanding,’ he said, crossing his arms and standing. ‘But it doesn’t feel stupid from where I’m standing. I don’t like hurting people, Meena, but I’ve been hurting you since the moment I arrived here.’

  ‘Do you want me to hate you?’ Meena asked, standing up to face him.

  Why couldn’t she just take his word that this was a bad idea? Because if she was the sort of person who didn’t question what she was told you wouldn’t have fallen in love with her in the first place, his brain told him, providing the inconvenient answer.

  ‘Of course I don’t want you to hate me,’ he said.

  ‘Right, I’m the one who decides whether I do, and I don’t, as it happens.’ She crossed her arms and planted her feet firmly against the slight jostling of the boat and he knew that he was getting nowhere.

  ‘Well, you should,’ he repeated, though with diminishing expectations of her taking any notice of what he was trying to tell her.

  ‘I think that says more about how you feel than how I do,’ Meena suggested, her posture softening slightly, one hand reaching to touch his arm. ‘Why should I hate you, Guy? Because we disagree about the future of Le Bijou? I never expected you to change your mind about that. Not really. Not even when we made love. It was just more convenient for me to...not think about it. I won’t let you take sole responsibility for the mistakes we both made. I’m sorry if I made you think that I hate you, because I don’t.’

  He shook his head. Why wouldn’t she just believe him when he said that he didn’t deserve her? ‘Please, Meena. Just take my word when I say you’re better off without me in your life.’

  ‘Honestly, I don’t know, Guy. What happened between us was so... I’m not sure I have the words to describe it. And knowing what’s going to happen to Le Bijou makes having those feelings difficult for me. But, after everything that you’ve just told me, I’m not sure that running from them is such a great idea either. You’ve spent seven years feeling broken from what we had before, from what happened to you after you left here. I feel like there’s more to be said. More to talk about. If we both walk away now, then everything is just as broken as it was before. We have a chance to put that right.’

  ‘And I’ve told you that those chances always end up in someone getting hurt.’ His shoulders stiffened beneath her cheek.

  ‘This is different.’

  ‘How?’ he asked.

  Meena sighed. ‘Because we are having this conversation. Have you ever told anyone else what you told me?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then I doubt anyone has told you what I’m about to. It wasn’t your fault, Guy.’ She squeezed his hand and he tried so hard to believe her. ‘And what we have is different to what came before. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you. And if you felt the same way...maybe you weren’t broken, Guy,’ she said. ‘You aren’t. Maybe things were
just...unfinished. And now we can finish them. One way or the other.’

  He shook his head. ‘I don’t think what we did today helped things feel more finished, if I’m honest.’

  ‘I know.’

  She looked so bloody confused about that that he felt terrible for pushing this. For making this about him, when she was the one who had just taken a life-changing gamble on him. She had chosen him to be her first—again—and he had let her down—again. And he was kidding himself if he thought that what had happened today hadn’t been life-changing for him too. Because there was no coming back from what had happened on the beach. Already he was thinking differently. Wishing differently. Trying to find a way that they could give their relationship a second chance. But he knew that it would be selfish. That any sort of relationship with Meena risked her getting hurt, and he couldn’t be responsible for that.

  * * *

  He was so sure, Meena thought, watching Guy. So sure that he knew what was best for her. So sure that his history was going to repeat itself and that there was nothing he could do to stop it.

  Well, he didn’t know the future. And it was time to prove that to him.

  ‘I never got the chance to tell you, Guy, that I’m leaving St Antoine.’

  The pure shock on his face gave her a tiny buzz of pleasure. He was so sure that he could predict what was going to happen between them that it pleased her that she could wrong-foot him like that. She wasn’t even sure why it was that important to her. But she absolutely knew that she didn’t want him writing off her options.

  ‘You’re leaving? Why?’

  ‘I decided it was time to get back to my research. I had a position at my old university that I couldn’t take up after my accident. There are still opportunities for me there.’

  ‘You’re moving back to Australia?’

  ‘That’s the plan. And it’s one of the reasons why I couldn’t accept your job offer.’

  ‘I thought that was because you didn’t approve of my plans,’ Guy said.

  ‘I didn’t. I don’t. But that wasn’t the only factor. Meeting you again has shown me how much I’ve put my life on hold. I’ve been obsessed with getting my memories back. Trying to work out who I was that summer. And I’m starting to understand that it’s really not that important. Or, at least, it’s not the most important thing. What’s important is who I am now. What I want to do next.’

  ‘But you don’t have to leave to do that. If this is because of me, because of what I’m doing at Le Bijou, I’ll drop it, Meena. I’ll find a way to stop it.’

  She stared at him, open-mouthed. ‘You’d do that? To stop me moving to Australia? You’ve said all along that there’s nothing you can do to stop the development. But now I’m talking about moving to the same country as you and suddenly you can find a way? Were you lying before or are you lying now?’

  ‘What? No, it’s not because we’d be in the same country. And I haven’t lied. But I don’t want to be responsible for you having to leave. I know how much you love St Antoine and Le Bijou. I can’t have that on my conscience too.’

  ‘You knew before how much I loved it. You weren’t too concerned about your conscience then.’

  ‘I did know it, but... I don’t know. The thought of you having to leave here because of what I’ve done... I’ve hurt so many people already, Meena. I’m not sure I can handle that too.’

  She was still staring, and he started to shift uncomfortably. Of all the reactions he could have predicted, anger hadn’t been high on the list.

  ‘How many times do I have to say it, Guy?’ she went on. ‘I’m choosing this. Me. This isn’t something that you’re doing to me. It isn’t about you at all. This is something that I want, for myself. Can’t you credit me with that? Not everything that I do has to be about you. And, if you’re worried I’m going to be too close just because we happen to be sharing the same continent, don’t worry. I’m still going to be two thousand kilometres away. I don’t think you have to worry about bumping into me at the supermarket.’

  ‘That’s not what I was worried about,’ he said, shaking his head.

  ‘Good. That’s settled, then,’ Meena said, crossing her arms and willing him off her boat.

  ‘I don’t feel like anything’s settled,’ Guy countered, making no move to jump back on the jetty. ‘I feel like things are getting more confusing by the minute, Meena. I just told you that I’d cancel my development. I thought that was what you wanted.’

  ‘I heard you. And you know already that it’s what I want. But honestly, I don’t know what to think any more. You weren’t prepared to change your plans even when we made love. What’s changed now?’

  * * *

  What had changed? He wasn’t even sure he understood it himself, never mind being capable of explaining it to someone else. But something had changed. And it wasn’t just that he’d told her that he could cancel his plans for Le Bijou, though that was part of it. It was why he’d done it. He’d been so horrified at the thought that he’d be driving her from her home, when she’d already lost so much, that he’d have done anything to right that wrong.

  It was the realisation that he was still in love with her. He had to be, because nothing short of that would have made him change his plans. He’d spent years telling himself that he couldn’t be in a relationship. That he was too damaged from what had happened with Meena. But what if he wasn’t damaged? What if Charlotte hadn’t died because he wasn’t a good enough boyfriend? What if it had been nothing more than a tragic accident? Could he really let go of the guilt he had been carrying around for so long?

  That would mean that he wasn’t broken. That it wasn’t impossible for him to have another relationship. That maybe he and Meena could try again, and see if they could make it work this time.

  Yes, they would still be two thousand kilometres apart if she went back to her old university. But that kind of distance wasn’t insurmountable. Not when you were your own boss and had money to throw at the situation. They could make the distance work.

  If they wanted to.

  And there was the crux of the matter. Would Meena want to? They’d talked round and round and round the issue without either of them facing it head-on. And if he wanted that to change—wanted his future to change—he knew that he was going to have to step up and make it happen.

  ‘I’m killing the development on Le Bijou,’ he said, and breathed a sigh of relief after the words were finally out. ‘Whatever happens, Meena, I want you to know that. I started the project for all the wrong reasons, and I want to stop it now for all the right ones. I don’t want anything to happen to that place. I wanted to destroy it, and all the memories it held for me. And I don’t want that any more.’

  ‘I’m glad to hear it,’ Meena said cautiously. ‘Though it doesn’t change my plans.’

  ‘I know. I don’t expect it to. But there’s something else I need to tell you. I love you, Meena. I never stopped loving you. And I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to realise how I feel, because my heart has been aching for you since the day that I left St Antoine. I should have grabbed you up the moment that I came back and done everything in my power to try and get you to fall in love with me again. I didn’t because I was an idiot, and because I was so sure that I was wrong for you. But now...’

  ‘Now?’

  ‘Now I think I got that wrong. That all I ever wanted was a chance to love you.’

  ‘And, if I gave you that chance, how would this work?’

  ‘It works however you want it to work, Meena. It works in Sydney, or it works here, or on your campus in Queensland. I don’t care where we are. I just want a chance.’

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  A CHANCE. That was all that he wanted. And now it all came down to this—what did she want for her future? Meena had spent so long thinking about her past, agonising over the decisions she didn’t even remembe
r making, that she had put off thinking about her future. She’d made one big decision already—that she was ready to get back to her academic career. She’d been so overwhelmed by the knowledge of her past that she’d never even let herself think about her romantic future, but here it was looking her in the face, asking her to take a leap.

  Could she trust him? Yes. The answer came to her without deliberation. Even without the change to his plans for Le Bijou she trusted him. She loved him. And if he truly meant what he’d said about changing his mind, then there was nothing standing in their way.

  He said that he’d never stopped loving her, and from the heartfelt expression he was wearing, she had no choice but to believe him. He’d been torturing himself over the tragic death of his girlfriend, unable to see that he wasn’t responsible, no matter how terrible he felt about it.

  She knew that she loved him, too. She had known it the moment she had learned about their history, and the uncanny emotions that she’d felt at seeing him again had suddenly made sense. Of course she still loved him. Her body had never forgotten him, and she was sure that somewhere in the recesses of her brain those precious memories of their summer together were locked away safe.

  ‘I love you, Guy.’

  He’d tried to scare her off with his failed romantic history, but none of that mattered. They were both bringing baggage into this relationship, but it didn’t matter. Because at last they were being honest with each other, and she was convinced that there was nothing that they couldn’t face if they did it together.

  ‘We’re going to make this work,’ she added as she saw his smile grow. ‘If we both want this, we’ll find a way for the geography to work. And I do want this. I’ve wanted it since the minute I opened my eyes on Le Bijou and saw you, if I’m honest. Long before I knew what you meant to me.’