Subordination: Chronicles of a Domme

by Katie Ashley

  “Yeah, well, you only have to be my guardian for five months. Then you can move on and have a life.”

  I glanced down at the folder in my lap. It held Daddy’s will and life insurance policy along with the plans he’d made for his funeral. It also had the paperwork naming me as Ansel’s guardian. He’d also written a letter to me about what he wished for me and for Ansel. “You know, I don’t need a notarized piece of paper to tell me you’re my responsibility. You’ve been my responsibility since the day your mom walked out. Even when you turn eighteen and that paper is void, I will always feel a responsibility to you. I feel that because of love, not because of obligation.”

  Ansel stared at me for a few seconds before shifting in his seat. Drumming his thumbs on the steering wheel, he appeared to be having trouble finding what he wanted to say. “I do love you, Sophie. I know that sometimes I don’t act like I do, and I don’t say it enough, but I do love you.”

  Tears pricked the back of my eyelids. “Thank you for saying that. Although I know that you love me, sometimes it’s nice to hear you say it.”

  “I know what you mean.”

  I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid across the seat towards him. I thought he might shy away or tell me to get the fuck away from him. Instead, he met me with open arms. We both let go of the thin veil holding back our emotions. Our bodies shook from weeping uncontrollably.

  When we were finally through, I pulled back to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “We’re in this together, baby brother. We always have been, and we always will be.”

  “All for one and one for all, huh?” Ansel questioned with a smile.

  “Damn straight.”

  After we both had had a chance to catch our breath and clean up, Ansel jerked his chin at the windshield. “I think we’re being summoned.”

  I followed his gaze to where Mr. Granger stood in the doorway. “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”

  Mr. Granger gave us a sad, sympathetic smile that I’m sure he gave to every family who came through his doors. “Sophie, Ansel, I’m so very sorry,” he said.

  After shaking his hand, I said, “Thank you, Mr. Granger.”

  “Your father was an amazing man. And what a life he led. I still remember watching him break the roping record at the state championship.”

  “This is my brother’s and my first time arranging a funeral, so what do we need to do?”

  “Usually, I sit down with the family to decide what kind of funeral they want.”

  Patting the folder in the crook of my arm, I said, “My father already did all that.”

  “Wonderful. It’s always best to have the deceased’s wishes in their own words. So why don’t we get the casket out of the way first? I assume you’re doing a burial. If not, we can look at cremation urns.”

  “My father wanted a burial.”

  “Okay then. Follow me.” Mr. Granger led us down a long hall to a set of doors that said Authorized Personnel Only. He slid open the doors, revealing a room full of caskets. Ansel and I followed slowly behind Mr. Granger.

  “As you can see, we have several floor models, and there is also a catalogue you can order from. We get shipments from the warehouse within twenty-four hours. You weren’t planning on doing the service before Friday were you?”

  “No,” I replied.

  “Then that gives us plenty of time.”

  Mr. Granger began to rattle on, but I tuned him out. My attention was drawn to where Ansel was standing in front of a solid mahogany casket. It was breathtaking—although it seemed ironic to describe a casket that way. The sheen on the wood shone so bright you could see your reflection in it. At the sides were intricately carved designs. It was a casket fit to hold a king—with the price tag to go with it.

  “This one,” Ansel said. When I shook my head, he demanded, “Why not? It’s the best one in here, and Dad deserves the fucking best!”

  While Mr. Granger bristled at Ansel’s language, I leaned closer to him. In a low voice, I said, “That casket is fifteen thousand dollars.”

  “But you said Dad had life insurance.”

  “Not enough for a casket that expensive along with everything else we need.”

  When Mr. Granger cleared his throat, Ansel and I glanced over our shoulders at him. “Pardon the interruption, but you don’t need to worry yourself with the cost. Your bill has been taken of.”

  “Excuse me?” I questioned.

  “This morning someone brought by a check for fifty thousand dollars. I was instructed that money was to be used for the Jameson arrangements, and that Mr. Jameson should be afforded the finest funeral money could buy. Whatever was left, I was to give to the two of you.”

  “Who was it?” Ansel asked.

  “The donor wished to remain anonymous,”Mr. Granger replied.

  Feeling lightheaded, I staggered back. William. There was no other plausible explanation. Our family didn’t know anyone else who had that kind of money. Even if Daddy’s roping buddies took up donations, they could never come up with kind of money.

  I couldn’t help wondering how in the world he had found out. I hadn’t called anyone I knew from 1740. Of course living in a small town meant word had spread overnight, but he wasn’t from here.

  “Soph, are you all right? Ansel questioned.

  “Just a little dizzy. I should have eaten something this morning.” Turning back around, I nodded at Mr. Granger. “We’ll take this one.”

  Once everything was picked out, Mr. Granger assured us that they would have Daddy ready in time for us to start the official viewing at six. We could have a private viewing of close family and friends at five thirty. After leaving Daddy’s best suit and his funeral plans, we headed out the door and trudged back to the truck.

  We had about six hours before we needed to get back to the funeral. I desperately needed sleep and wondered if I drugged myself with a little Tylenol PM would I be hung over. The last thing I wanted to do was appear drunk and give any more fuel to fan the fires of the town gossips.

  After buckling his seatbelt and cranking up, Ansel questioned, "It was William, wasn't it?" Ansel questioned.

  Trying to play dumb, I answered, "What was William?"

  Ansel cut his eyes over at me. "Duh, you know exactly what I mean.”

  I sighed. “Yes, it was William was the one who gave the money for Dad's funeral."

  "Have you talked to him?"

  "Not since the night of the school board meeting."

  "Why not?"

  Staring down at my hands, I replied, "It's complicated."

  "I'm not a kid, you know."

  "I didn’t say you were."

  "Then don’t treat me like one. Talk to me about William."

  "It's just not meant to be, okay? There's just been too much bad shit that happened to move forward."

  "But you love him."

  "And Dad loved your mom, but what good did that get him but a broken heart?"

  Ansel shook his head. "He never loved my mom."

  "Of course he did. When she left, it broke him. He never wanted to be in love ever again."

  "My mom was just a distraction from the grief he felt at losing your mom. There was never anyone in the world for him but your mom."

  I blinked at him a few times. It had never occurred to me that what he said could be the truth.

  "I mean, after all this time he still wanted to be buried next to her."

  "There wasn’t any room in the Jameson family plot."

  "It's okay, Soph. It doesn’t bother me. I know Dad loved me just as much as he did you. I mean, it gives me some sort of weird comfort that he's with the woman he loved again."

  Tears stung my eyes at his words. "When did you get to be so thoughtful and deep, Little Brother."

  Ansel snorted. “I’d hardly call myself deep. Thoughtful, maybe. But deep? No.”

  “You have more depth at eighteen than some men have in their entire lives.”

  “William has depth.”

&nb
sp; I groaned. “Not him again.”

  “Yes, him.” Ansel cut his eyes over to me again. “I want you to be happy, Soph. He made you happy.”

  “I don’t know if he even feels the same way about me anymore.”

  “Um, he just dropped a hell of a lot of change to make sure our dad had a nice funeral. If that doesn’t show how much he loves you, I don’t know what would.”

  “He didn’t do it for me—he did it for Daddy. He got to know him a lot when he was hanging around during our secret dating. They had a mutual appreciation for each other.”

  “I’m not doubting that he liked Dad. But what he did, he did because he still loves you. And when all this funeral shit is over, if you don’t try to make things right with him, then you’re the biggest dumbass I know.”

  I didn’t respond to Ansel. Instead, I stared out the windshield and tried corralling my out-of-control emotions.

  With the silence a deafening roar in my ears, I sat on the front bench of the funeral home’s chapel. After I’d survived the family and friends viewing, I had escaped from the crowd to be alone. I knew that I needed to be standing with Ansel beside Daddy’s casket, greeting those who had come to pay their respects. But after seeing him all laid out in his finest suit with the slightest smile on his lips, the fissure holding me together cracked even further. I had to be alone, or else I was going to start screaming at the top of my lungs.

  Everett had grabbed hold of my arm as I raced from the room. “Wait, cuz.”

  Shaking my head furiously, I replied, “I have to get out of here.”

  “Want me to take you somewhere on my bike?”

  Although the offer was tempting, the responsible side of me knew I needed to stay close by. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the double doors leading into the chapel, and I knew I had found my escape. “Will you stand guard and not let anyone but Ansel or Susie in?”

  “Of course.”

  And that was how I came to be sitting there, folding and unfolding my embroidered handkerchief in my hands. Grand-Maman had given me one like it on the day of Grandpa’s funeral. “All ladies need a handkerchief when they’re grieving,” she had said. Today I held the one she had carried to her husband’s funeral. It was white with purple Iris’s, the flower of France, embroidered on it.

  Shifting in my seat, I tried rubbing my back against the bench. The lacy material of my black dress was driving me crazy. Instead of getting any sleep this afternoon, I’d driven to the next down to buy dresses to wear to the viewings and then the funeral. I felt like the episode of Sex and the City when Miranda’s mother dies, and instead of Carrie bringing Miranda one of her dresses from home, she just wants to buy one that she’ll never have to wear again. That’s the mentality I’d gone shopping with.

  While I’d purchased beautiful and dignified looking dresses, I knew I’d throw them into the kindling pile the moment I took them off. My attention was suddenly drawn to the sound of raised voices outside the chapel.

  At the sound of the doors banging open behind me, I spun around in my seat. I wheezed as my heartbeat broke into a wild gallop. Everett had William’s body pressed up against one of the chapel doors, and his hands were gripping the lapels of William’s suit. Whirling off the bench, I sprinted down the aisle to them.

  “Everett, wait!”

  “Don’t you worry, Soph. I’ll take care of this wiseass.”

  “No. It’s okay.” I looked into William’s dark eyes. “He’s okay.”

  Everett glanced from me back to William. “You sure about that?”

  “Yes.”

  Loosening his grip, Everett backed away from William. He gave him a tight smile. “Sorry about that, man. She’s my cousin, and when she says to guard the door, I’m not going to let anyone fuck with her.”

  William nodded as he adjusted his suit and tie. “I appreciate that.” He then stared intently at me. “I’d do anything in the world to protect Sophie.”

  His words and the conviction in which he spoke them sent fresh tears pooling in my eyes.

  After glancing between the two of us, Everett said, “Yeah, well, I’ll leave you two alone.

  As I swiped my handkerchief under my eyes, I replied, “Thanks, Everett.”

  He thumped William on the back before heading out into the hallway. The door closed shut, sending an echo through the silent chapel. For a moment, all I could do was stare at him. During the last twenty-four hours, I had wanted him more than anything. I wanted to feel the comfort of his strong arms around me, to press my ear against his chest and hear the sound of his heartbeat, to the feel the warmth of his skin against mine. I wanted him to tell me with the true conviction he possessed that everything was going to be all right.

  But now that he was standing in front of me, I remained rooted with my feet to the floor, unable to take that one step—that giant leap—to him.

  “I’m assuming that’s the guy who went with you to 1740.”

  With a nervous laugh, I replied, “Yes. That was Everett.”

  “Based on the way he looks, he could have easily taken Calla out, but from the way I hear it, you managed to do all the damage yourself.”

  “Yes. I did.”

  “Beating her up—was it all just about revenge for her ruining yours and my career?”

  “No. It was also about getting back at her for hurting you.”

  “It was?”

  I nodded. “Whenever you hurt someone I care about, then I have to hurt you.” In almost a whisper, I said, “I always protect those that I love.”

  William took a tentative step closer before he closed the gap between us. That was all it took to break down my resolve. I threw myself into his arms as the sobs overtook me. “I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry,” I murmured over and over again.

  “No, baby. I’m the one who is sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here when you needed me most,” he said in my ear. His hand drew slow, comforting circles over my back. I sighed with contentment at the feeling of his touch. I had missed his hands on my body. Not only could his hands light me on fire physically, but they brought soothing comfort when I was emotionally troubled.

  “But it’s my fault. I’m the one who drove you away.” I pulled back to look at him. “I wanted to call you so many times…I wanted to see you.” I shook my head. “I was just too stubborn and scared.”

  William cupped my cheeks in his hands. “I’m here for you, Sophie—through hell and back and through the good and bad. All you have to do is let me in.”

  “I desperately want to. I’m just…” I pinched my eyes shut. I couldn’t look at him when I admitted my weakness, “afraid.”

  “Sophie, look at me,” William commanded.

  My eyes opened immediately at the forcefulness of his tone. “You don’t have to be afraid. But even if you are, I’ll be strong enough for both of us.”

  I surveyed the intensity of his expression. “I know you would walk through fire for me, and not because it was the request of your Mistress. It would be because you love me.” I brought my mouth to his. After a tender kiss, I murmured, “And I love you,” against his lips.

  When I started to deepen the kiss, William took me by the shoulders and pushed me back. “What did you say?”

  I smiled at him through my tears. “I said, ‘I love you.’ And I do love you, William. More than I could ever have imagined. I was so stupid to think that everything had to be perfect for us to be together, or all the things that had gone wrong meant we weren’t meant to be together. I’ve come to embrace the fact that our relationship is perfectly flawed.”

  “You have?”

  I stared into his eyes that shone with such love for me. “Yes. I have. There is such beauty in imperfection.”

  “While that is true, I chose to believe what we have is perfection.”

  “So you’ll forgive me for being stubborn and stupid?”

  “Of course.” With a smile, William added, “I’m sure it won’t be the last time I need to forgive you for
that.”

  I laughed. “No. I’m sure it won’t be.”

  “One day, you’ll be my stubborn, smart mouthed wife,” he said, insistently.

  Although I knew it wasn’t an official proposal, my heartbeat fluttered at the thought. With a smile, I said, “Yes. I will.”

  As William brought his lips to mine, I couldn’t help thinking how my father would be beaming with happiness that we were back together, and that in a small way, he had a hand in our reunion.

  In my mind, I saw him standing in front of a brilliant white light with Grand-Maman and Grandpa. As Daddy smiled, Grand-Maman said, “Etre chérie heureux.”

  Daddy nodded. “That’s right. Be happy, sweetheart.”

  And to honor their love and their memory, I knew I would always try.

  TWO YEARS LATER

  “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.” The minister paused and smiled. “You may now kiss the bride.”

  Tears blurred my vision as I watched Ansel tenderly place his hands on his new wife’s cheeks and kiss her gently. Shifting my bouquet into one hand, I swiped the tears away with the other. I’d never imagined my brother getting married at just twenty. Always the cynic, I had rolled my eyes when he had told me he’d fallen in love not even three weeks after he started fall semester at The University of Tennessee. My cynicism grew even further when he told me she was a cheerleader for the university. I couldn’t help picturing some blonde, sorority bimbo who wanted an elevated status by dating one of the football players.

  But all my doubts evaporated at Ansel’s first football game. Melanie was auburn haired, not blonde, and she was an engineering major. She was shy and reserved, and she made Ansel toe the line when it came to studying before partying. Either my brother had become pussy-whipped or he had a secret submissive side he hadn’t realized because whatever Melanie said, he did. I loved watching every minute of it.

  At Thanksgiving, he had proposed, and she had accepted. Although both their families had encouraged them to finish school, they weren’t having it. They pushed full steam ahead in planning a spring wedding at the farm.