by Kacey Shea
“First of all, don’t equate weakness with being a woman. Ever. You’re better than that. And don’t you dare shut down because it’s scary. I won’t judge you. Remember, I have my own list of shit.” I wait a beat, until his eyes lift to meet mine. “We all crave affirmation. We all have a need to be loved. But I had to unlearn everything I grew up believing because I was looking for it in all the wrong places. I’m still working on it.”
“It’s hard to feel important when your dad marries a woman who hates your very existence. She made sure I knew I didn’t belong every damn day. Cam stood up for me, but he took every excuse to not be home and was out on his own as soon as he hit eighteen.” I know the age difference between him and Cam is significant.
Of course he doesn’t mention her.
I shouldn’t press him. It’s really not my place. Yet I can’t leave it alone. Not when he opened up the conversation. “What about Tiffany?”
“That’s the thing.” His gaze is back on the fire. He swipes at his cheek and swallows hard. “She encouraged certain things, made me promise not to tell. Said I was special. She gave me all this attention and love. But in private.” Another tear escapes but this time he doesn’t hide it, allowing it to trail down his cheek. “She convinced me no one would understand. I believed her. In a fucked up way it was true. But she made it seem like I wanted it. Like why else would I get hard?”
My brain finally connects the pieces. All the conversations we’ve shared. His first time. His discomfort with my bedroom. That damn letter. Oh, God. I was wrong about everything. My heart breaks, not only for the man before me but for the little boy he was.
I’d suspected he slept with his stepsister, but I always assumed they were both consenting adults. “She was your first?”
He swallows hard. “Yeah.”
“Oh, Chase.”
“Don’t.” He glares. “I don’t need your pity.”
“She took advantage of you.”
“It’s not like she held me down. It wasn’t rape.”
Wasn’t it? Chase was sexually abused by his sister. She didn’t have his consent. He was a child and she groomed him all along. I think I’m going to be sick. “She was an adult. You were just a kid.”
“I wasn’t powerless. She was only trying to help. Wanted me to have experience.” His defensiveness doesn’t do anything to erase my concern.
I can’t help the sadness I feel. It seeps through my entire being. “That’s what she told you.”
“I’m not a victim!” His shout shocks us both. “I’m sorry.” His eyes are wide, his body shaking, the letter crumbled in his balled fist. “I-I always knew it was wrong. It was. But if I pretended it never happened, it made it easier. I could compartmentalize that part of my life.”
“Chase, she manipulated you. When someone holds their power—be it by age or experience or position—over you to get what they want, that’s not okay.”
“The more I think about it, the more I remember.” His jaw works back and forth. His chest rises with a long breath. “I have gone so long not thinking about those experiences. Can it really be abuse when I was willing? What if what I did warped my heart in a way that makes me impossible to love? This isn’t just some beer I can put down.” He bows his head, eyes squeezed shut. “What if I’m ruined?”
I can’t stand the space between us anymore. Moving off my chair, I fall to my knees and cup his face in my hands. “You aren’t. This doesn’t define you.”
“But it’s broken me. And I hurt others. What if we’re all destined to keep repeating these harmful cycles? When does it stop?”
I rest my forehead on his. “I hate her.” There’s venom in my tone, yet I won’t mask the way I feel.
“I do, too.” He pulls back and glances at where his fingers curl around the now-crumpled letter. He looks at the fire. “And at the same time, I don’t. It’s fucking confusing, and I just want to stop thinking.”
“You want a drink?”
“Of course I want a damn drink.”
“Hey,” I say sharply. “Don’t hide that from me, either.”
“Alicia.” He shakes his head. “What are you doing with me?”
I don’t know. It’s a question I’ve asked myself a hundred times. One I can’t quite answer. Yet I’m still here. “You get me. I feel safe with you. I can be myself.” I reach for his hand, the one with the letter, and wrap my fingers around his closed fist. “I’ve never had that before.”
“I don’t understand why you’d want me,” he whispers. “Not after knowing this.”
“I want you.” I run my hand up his arm, over his shoulder, and grip the back of his neck. I scoot forward even more so my body settles between his legs, and pull him so that our lips are a breath apart. “Fuck, Chase. I wanted you before and I’m not stopping now.” I press my mouth to his, sealing my promise with a kiss. It’s tender and sensual, the heat from the fire warming my skin as Chase sets my soul aflame.
“Don’t.” Chase pulls away.
His rejection stings, but I know he’s only trying to protect himself. “I’m not letting you push me away.”
“I’m not . . .” He shakes his head, a gruff laugh passing through his lips. “You’re not gonna make this easy.”
“Damn straight.” I smile, push to my feet, and take a step to the side. “Now, I was promised you had something to burn.”
He glances from his hand to the fire, and nods. As he stands from the chair, his moves are unhurried but filled with purpose. He walks to the edge of the fire, too close for my comfort. Holding out his hand, he drops the envelope and stares as the embers swallow up the letter. The paper chars and shrivels up before our very eyes, burning until it becomes one with the flames, as if it was never even there.
53
Chase
Alicia and I stand there staring at the flames until my eyes burn. A few angry tears gather and fall. I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much. Then again, I’ve never been so in touch with my own feelings. I’m unlearning toxic patterns. Thirty minutes ago I wanted nothing more than to get drunk off my ass, but now I can’t imagine consuming a drop. It’s progress.
Alicia stays through it all. We don’t speak, but there’s no need. She’s rooted herself in my life so completely in such a short time. We might not have a label on our relationship, but that doesn’t matter. The fact she sees my mess and doesn’t run tells me all I need to know.
By the time the fire dies down to nothing more than glowing embers, I feel a new chapter beginning. I’m ready to move forward. I can’t forget the past, but it doesn’t define me. My soul is battered, but a healing peace settles on my heart.
“Hey, there’s something I need to tell you,” Alicia says, breaking the silence between us. It’s hard to read her expression in the darkness.
“Only truths,” I remind her, but worry claws at my mind. Maybe tonight was too much. Maybe she changed her mind about us.
“This weekend, I won’t be here.” She lifts her gaze to mine and quickly amends. “Not because I don’t want to be. But I’m spending it with Jill and Callie.”
“Okay.” I exhale a sigh of relief.
“Okay?” she asks incredulously.
“I mean, am I disappointed I don’t get to spend the weekend together? Sure. But I know you have a life outside of this. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s healthy for both of us to have that.”
“Okay.” A smile works its way onto her lips. “Good.”
“Good.” I grin and walk over to the small shovel I brought down earlier. I cover the remnants of the fire and ensure everything’s safe before retrieving the folding chairs.
Alicia’s gaze doesn’t leave my body. The way she watches me makes me feel as if I can do anything. It gives me strength. Under her watchful eyes, I feel desired, worthy, whole. The fire might be out, but there’s another heat pulsing through my veins. A crackle of energy that’s always there between us, shimmering under the surface.
The
wind picks up and she gives a visible shiver.
“Cold?” I ask and nod toward the house, indicating we should head back inside.
“A little.”
I follow her up the stairs, and drop the chairs and shovel onto the deck to deal with later. I brush the sand off my feet the best I can, but it’s an impossible task. I’ll have to shower before bed, but I’m not ready for sleep. “Come upstairs with me,” I say as we step inside the house. At her confused expression, I grab her hand and tug her behind me. “There’s something I want to show you.”
“Oh.” She takes the stairs a little faster. “Is it big?”
“Damn straight it is.”
“I’m not sure I can handle any more big reveals today.”
“This one’s going to be your favorite. Promise.” I pause at the second floor landing.
“Is it hard?” She glances at my crotch.
“You’re good at guessing games.”
She bites her lip, reining in her mirth. “It’s your dick, isn’t it?”
I continue up the next flight of stairs, pulling her with me. “Don’t ruin the surprise, Alicia.”
Her laughter bursts from her lips, one of my favorite sounds. I pull her through the dark bedroom and out onto the deck. With only a sliver of moonlight peeking through the clouds, I pull Alicia close. Wordlessly, I undress her and then myself until we’re both completely naked. The gentle breeze attempts to cool my skin, but it does nothing to dampen the heat blazing inside. I slide my palms over her hips and draw her closer, kissing her lips. “I’ve always wanted to fuck you out here.”
“I’m totally willing to make that dream come true for you.” She loops her hands around my neck and kisses me back. Slowly. Gently. Carefully. As if she’s holding back. As if we’re in a family-friendly fairy tale. Minus the clothes.
I run my hands over her skin, waiting for her mouth to part. For her kiss to become demanding. For her fingers to dig into my skin. A little hair pulling. One of her breathy moans I love so much. Something. But she doesn’t even grab for my cock as it thickens against her leg.
It’s almost as if she’s no longer attracted to me, yet I know that’s not true. But something’s holding her back.
Realization dawns and with it, a little anger. Damn it. “Don’t you dare.” I glare, shaking my head. “Don’t treat me as if I’m a piece of broken glass.”
Her eyes are wide, but she doesn’t argue. We both know it’s the truth. She’s scared to hurt me. She doesn’t realize our sex has never been anything but amazing for me. Maybe it hasn’t always been for her?
My anger fizzles and I cup her jaw, meeting her gaze. “You want it rough? Or do you need me to fuck you slow? Tell me what you need.”
She leans into my touch. “I want it all the ways with you.”
“I want to fuck you hard. Is that okay?” I slide my hand into the hair at the nape of her neck and tug.
She inhales sharply, her lips parted and begging for my kiss. But I want her answer. Need it.
“Tell me how you want it tonight.” My other hand cups her sex, and my fingers explore her folds. She’s wet. God, I can’t wait to sink into her. I want to fall apart inside her. I want to watch her come on my cock.
“Fuck me. Chase. Fuck me hard.”
“That’s right.” I crash my lips to hers, kissing her how I should’ve before. Rough. Demanding. Explicit. I kiss her until we’re both breathless and wild with desire. “Condom,” I say aloud, more as a reminder to not get too carried away. I rush inside to grab one and suit up like it’s a race.
Alicia greets me with a hungry gaze when I return, her hands braced on the railing, her stance confident and bold.
I walk over to one of the lounge chairs and adjust the back. Sitting on the padded cushion, I wiggle my finger in a come-hither motion. “Straddle me.” I recline against the back rest, my body thrilling with excitement as she saunters close. When she moves to climb on my lap, I shake my head. “The other way. I want us both looking out at the ocean.” I help her balance as she turns, her feet on the chair as she straddles my legs. Gripping my cock at the base, I slide down the seat a little further until our bodies are aligned.
She sinks down, taking me inch by glorious inch until I’m sheathed in her heat. It’s a tighter fit at this angle, and I swear my eyes roll back from the sheer pleasure.
It’s so good.
Too good.
“Here.” I place her hands at the arms of the chair. I reach around to cup her sex, rubbing along the folds with a rigorous pace. “Ride me. Rock those hips.” I focus on her, needing to get her off before I do.
She slides up and down my cock but it’s too careful. To tentative.
With one hand still on her clit, I use my other to pull her body back, hugging her to me. Her shoulder blades press into my chest and my breath is at her ear. “Fuck me.” I practically growl the demand. That does the trick.
She rocks her hips with purpose, her breathy moans swallowed up by the night air. “Yes. Chase, yes.”
Increasing my pressure, I rub a little harder at her clit and am rewarded with another groan. “Fuck me until you come.” I delight in the way her body responds to my dirty words. She’s so responsive. So fucking good. I lock my hand around the base of her throat, pressing against her skin. I don’t hurt her, I wouldn’t dream of it, but it’s enough pressure to keep her from moving away each time she slides up and down my dick.
Fuck, it’s good. “I want to feel you squeeze my cock, baby.”
Her body moves faster, sliding up and down my cock. Her pussy clenches with each movement. She hasn’t come yet but she’s got to be close. As good as this feels, I want to watch her face as she falls apart.
“Up.” I grab her hips and hold her off my throbbing cock.
She glances over her shoulder, confusion etched in her beautiful face.
“I want to kiss you while you ride me.”
“Yes.” Her voice is breathless. “I want that.” In a quick adjustment, she straddles my waist, this time so we face each other. I let her set the pace, marveling at the way her breasts sway as she rocks her hips.
“That’s it.” I smack her ass, encouraging her to go harder, deeper, faster with each thrust. It’s impossible to not get overwhelmed by her slick, wet heat but I stave off my ejaculation. My thumb finds her clit and I circle it with unhurried movements.
“Call out tomorrow. I want to spend the entire day like this.”
“On the deck?”
“Inside you.” I thrust my hips upward, evoking a groan of pleasure from her lips. My hands travel around her waist, up her back. I gather a fistful of her hair and tug her mouth down to my lips. She’s going to be gone all weekend. I want a day of her to myself before that happens. “I need an entire day of fucking you. Will you give me that?”
“Yes.” Her quick reply surprises me. I expected a fight. At the very least, some resistance. “Oh, yes, right there.” She grinds down on my erection.
“You want this cock?” I thrust up, hard.
“Give it to me,” she pants. “Fuck, Chase.”
“Promise me.”
“What?” She rocks her hips harder, her slick wetness coating me with each thrust. “Tell me what you want.”
Fuck. I want it all. I want all of her. Every moment she gives me. But I’m too scared to ask for more than a day. “Tomorrow. We’re calling in sick and I’m gonna fuck you like this.” I enunciate my next words with movement from my hips. “All. Day. Long.”
“I will,” she says. “Promise. Fuck, Chase. I’m so close.”
I crash my lips to hers, my tongue delving inside like I would her pussy. My fingers dig into her flesh, hard enough she’ll have marks on her skin tomorrow. She moves faster, almost in a frenzy. Our bodies come together, creating the most erotic soundtrack. Moans. Gasps. Slick skin. It’s a heady combo, and when she cries out, her body pulsating around me with her orgasm, I lose myself in her warmth.
Once we’ve both com
e down, we untangle our bodies and head inside to rinse off in the walk-in shower. “Hey, why don’t you bring your stuff up here?” I ask, scrubbing my body down while trying to not stare at her tits. She’s forever running down to grab clean clothes or something from the bathroom. It’s not as if she sleeps anywhere other than my bed. “I mean, if you want to.” My words fade as she rubs soap over her chest.
She grins, catching my gaze. “My eyes are up here.”
“Yes, but I’m rather found of these.” I can’t help but palm them in my hands.
She rolls her eyes and steps back under the spray, taking her gorgeous body with her. When she’s done, we trade places so I can rinse off and she walks over to the pile of clean towels. She tosses one to me after I cut the water. “I think I will. You don’t mind?”
Alicia in my bedroom on a more permanent basis? Yes, please. “I don’t at all.”
“Okay.” She grins. “I’m going to bring up my stuff now.”
“I’ll check on the kittens.” I dry off my body and strut over to the dresser, pulling out a pair of boxer briefs to slip on. “Take whatever you need. Most of these drawers are empty.”
“Okay.” She stands in the archway of the bathroom door, toweling off her hair. The barely there smile that teases her lips fills me in a way I never imagined possible. Her joy is mine. Her pleasure too. I never want to stop making her happy, for as long as she’ll let me.
54
Alicia
Everything is perfect when I fall asleep. Too perfect maybe, because my dreams are filled with restless unease. Chase and I are out on a boat, having the most beautiful day, but the weather changes without warning and soon we’re being tossed about by the sea. I try to hold on to him. To the boat. But my hands won’t allow me to do both. I have to pick one. My mind wars with which to choose, the man or my safety. In my indecision I’m thrown from the vessel and pulled under by the ocean’s angry current.
