by Kacey Shea
I startle awake in a panic. The room is dark, the sky outside packed with gray clouds. My phone rings from its spot on the counter, but Chase isn’t in the bed. I wonder what time it is. I reach for the phone, concerned maybe I’m in trouble at work. Chase and I each sent messages to the community center’s director, Laura, late last night so we could sleep in.
My heart is racing with alarm, but when I see it’s my best friend calling, I exhale a sigh of relief.
“Hey, Callie.” My voice is thick with sleep. “What’s up?”
“Where are you right now?”
I’m not about to tell her I’m with Chase, or that I’m lying in the bed he’s fucked me senseless in for the eighth night this month. “Um, why?” I sit up and throw off the covers, a seed of panic building in my throat.
“Oh, my God, just tell her.” Jill’s voice comes from the distance.
“Because surprise!” Callie cheers. “We’re here!”
Shit. No. “What?”
“We drove down a day early! What time do you get off? Should we come to the community center?”
“She’s a little excited,” Jill says dryly. “Put us both out of our misery. Please.”
“I’m actually off.” I stumble to the closet, yanking my suitcase from where I stored it last night. “Of work, that is. But I’m not home. I’m-I, um, I can meet you in twenty.” I toss my bag on the bed and race to the dresser, grabbing the clothes I unpacked neatly not even ten hours ago.
“Are you okay?” Jill asks. “You’re being weird.”
“Oh! Are you with a secret lover?” Callie practically squeals in excitement. “Did we interrupt? Because we’re gonna need all the deets.”
“No,” I refuse with a little too much force. I can’t tell them about Chase or any of this. Shit. Fuck. Why does this suddenly feel wrong? Last night, it all seemed so simple. These past few days have been amazing. The best if I’m being honest, but now it’s shrouded in deceit. “Look, I can’t talk but I’ll meet you both at Sugar Bowl. The desserts are to die for, and we can catch up.”
“Bitch, you better tell us everything. It’s been too long!”
It’s the truth. I haven’t relied on them, not in the way I always have. We’re the kind of friends who text on the daily, even if it’s only to be silly or send a motivational note. While that’s continued, we haven’t talked or hung out, and I’ve been fine. All because of Chase, a man they both hate. Fuck, what did I think was going to happen?
“I’ll see you soon.” I end the call. My gut twists with worry. My hands are shaking. I’m not ready to face them. I thought I had another fucking day.
“Who was that?” Chase says from the doorway.
I jump at the sound of his voice, startled by his presence. I don’t want to answer his question. I don’t want to pop this bubble away from the world we’ve created. Instead, I avoid his gaze and go back to filling my suitcase. I hate that my presence here is so easily packed up. It’s a painful reminder that this was never meant to be anything other than temporary.
“Wait. Are you leaving?”
Anger bubbles inside my chest at the hurt in his voice. “I’m packing, so yeah, that’s what I’m doing.” God, I sound like a bitch. Why is my knee jerk reaction to lash out? He has the right to know where I’m going this weekend, and more importantly, with whom. I stop throwing my belongings on the bed to meet his stare. “I have to go.”
His brows crinkle and he steps closer, his gaze open and vulnerable. “Did I do something?”
Yes, damn it. You made me feel more. You changed my mind about you. You made me hope. “It’s Callie and Jill. They drove down early and I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell them where I was.” That you’re my dirty little secret. “I’d rather they not know . . .” About us. About the fact I live here. That I love sleeping with you.
“Oh.” His face falls. “Yeah. I understand.”
“I’m sorry about today.” But those words hardly convey how I feel. Me leaving after last night is more than hurtful, it’s inexcusable. Only I’m not strong or brave enough to make a different decision.
“I get it.” His jaw works back and forth, his face unreadable. It’s hard as stone. I did that. I shut him down. “When are you coming back?”
“I don’t know.”
His brows shoot up. “You don’t . . .” A frustrated scoff leaves his lips.
“I’m not sure it’s the best idea. Not with everything.” I swallow hard and blink back the urge to cry. “I need to focus on my internship. You’ll be heading back to Richmond soon. This wasn’t going to last.”
The words are both truthful and cruel.
I instantly wish I could take them back.
His eyes try to catch my gaze, but I can’t. Not when everything feels as if it’s falling apart at the seams. I’ve done a lot of work over the past months. To feel worthy of good things. To advocate for myself. To create a life I’ve been too afraid to chase after. To not fall into old habits, ones that scream of co-dependency and addictive behavior.
But right now I feel like a failure. As though I’ve fallen back several steps on my road map to recovery. I might have not had a drink in months, but I found a new obsession. He’s the last thing I need, and everything I desperately want.
But it’s not possible. We can never happen. And that tears away a little of the joy I’ve found with him here in this place.
55
Chase
She tosses in the last of her clothes and zips up the suitcase, still not once meeting my gaze. Almost as if she can’t bear to witness my disappointment. I don’t understand. I don’t want her running away like this. Not after the week we shared.
“Hey.” I close the space between us and reach out, grabbing her arm and stopping her from turning away. When she doesn’t lift her gaze from my chest, I cup her jaw and tilt her head back. “Don’t do this.”
“Don’t what? Don’t pretend this isn’t okay?” Her arms hang at her sides, shoulders slumping with defeat as worry lines etch her brow. “What the hell are we doing here, Chase? I can’t be with you.”
I can’t accept that answer. I won’t. “Why?”
“Why? Are you serious?” She shakes her head and takes a step back. Her words tumble from her lips in a panic. “How does this even work, you and me together? What am I supposed to tell my friends? Oh, hey, you know that guy who broke your heart, Callie? Yeah, so, like, we’ve been seeing each other on the down low. I’m sure that’ll go over well.”
“That was forever ago. She’s with Ash now. She’s not in love with me.” I get that it’s not ideal, but would it really be so bad? “Fuck what they think.”
“No. No. No.” She shakes her head, throwing up her hands. “You don’t get to do that! You almost fucked up my relationship with her before. Callie and Jill, who have been my constants. You don’t get to waltz into my life and give demands. You don’t get it.”
I care about her. I fucking love her. God, I wish I could shove the words past my lips, but they’re not welcome, that much I know. Still. It pisses me off that she’s willing to throw me to the side so easily. “So your friends’ opinions get to dictate who you can and cannot spend time with? You’re not in high school anymore, Alicia. It’s time to grow up and live your own life.”
She scoffs. “That’s rich coming from you.”
“Nice,” I grind out from my clenched jaw.
“What? You disagree? You live in your uncle’s house. You have no car. No license. You have no job. I don’t even think you chose firefighting. I think you did it to please your father.” Her hands go to her hips and her spine straightens with indignation. “Am I wrong? Tell me one major life decision you’ve made without considering what he thinks? Huh?”
Anger boils over to rage and I clench my fists in an impossible attempt to stay calm. “Fuck you.”
Her lips curl in a snarl. “Fuck you, too.”
“So I’m the only one who hides from the truth?” I open my arms wide, offeri
ng my body for a punching bag since she’s already pummeling my heart. “We going to pretend you have it all together? That you’re so above lying? That I’m the only fuck-up here?”
“At least I’m trying.”
“You came clean in AA, but you going to tell your precious friends about the night I found you in that bar?” I stalk forward, my words firing like gunshots. “How you were wasted and begged for my cock.” I wrap my hands around her waist and tug her tight to me, daring her to push away. “Have you already forgotten how my dick feels? How good we fuck? We were good then, and we’re even better now. Is that what this is about, because I’ll remind you again if you want.”
She shoves at my chest and steps back. “I knew you would throw that night in my face!” Her eyes are fire, lit up and wild.
“Because it’s the truth! It happened! You don’t get to rewrite history. You don’t get to erase me.”
“It was a mistake.” She shakes her head. “You were a mistake.”
“So, what?” I whisper. I think it’d hurt less if she shoved a knife through my chest. “I’m your dirty secret? I’m good enough to fuck, but not to acknowledge?”
“Oh, your ego’s bruised because I never bragged about your dick?”
“Damn it, Alicia!” I shout, wanting this bullshit to stop. “That’s not it and you know it! What the hell is this about? Am I such a monster?” I think back to last year. Fuck. We were both screwed up back then, but did I take advantage? Am I no better than my stepsister? I swallow back the thought, all anger draining from my body at the possibility. “Did I hurt you that night?”
Her jaw tightens, and when her eyes lift to mine they’re full of regret. “It was a mistake because I thought you knocked me up.”
Wait. “What?”
“I was late—the next month—and I thought . . .”
She thought she was pregnant? With my kid? “You never thought to tell me?”
A wry laugh falls from her lips and she shakes her head. “Oh, right. ‘Hey, Chase, I know we only hate fucked, but you might be the daddy.’ That would’ve gone over really well.”
“But it was just a scare? You weren’t . . .” I can’t even say it.
“No, I wasn’t.” She rolls her eyes. “Can you imagine me as someone’s mother? You, a father?”
The thought is sobering because yes, I can see it. Her holding a child to her chest, protecting them against the world. It’s foolish to even dream I’d be her partner in this scenario, but I visualize it anyway. Which is stupid, stupid, stupid. She doesn’t view me as a responsible adult. There’s no chance she’ll be asking to have my babies. Not now. Not ever. “Sorry I’m not a toy you can ride and put away.”
“Grow up.” She picks up her suitcase. She’s really leaving. Because I never mattered. Not really. Not if she’s walking out. “Look. I can’t do this right now. Callie and Jill are waiting. I need to go.”
“Yeah, don’t let me get in your way.” I step to the side. I’m a fucking bastard because I let her walk out. I let the woman I love—the one who owns me—fucking walk out the door because I’m too damn scared to fight for her. It’s useless anyway. She made her choice. She’s right. She won’t pick me over her friends. All this time, I’ve been falling in love and she’s been looking for a good fuck. Why should I be surprised? That’s all I’ve ever been.
56
Alicia
I’m angry and rattled as I drive to the coffee shop. I can’t believe Chase. The nerve. His asshole-ness. Yet it shouldn’t be surprising. He’s always known how to rile me up. A week of sleeping together isn’t going to fix that. He’s the same. He hasn’t changed.
That doesn’t feel entirely true, but I hold on to the idea because the alternative is so much scarier.
He couldn’t possibly have feelings for me.
This isn’t supposed to be more than a summer hook-up.
That’s what we agreed to.
It could never work.
So why do I feel as though I’m making a big mistake?
My fingers tighten on the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white while I convince myself not to turn the car around. I want Chase. I want him so badly. I always have, but what I want doesn’t matter. Not really.
We were only meant to last the summer. That’s all this ever was. But my heart cracks at the thought of never sharing another moment with that man.
Am I crazy to wish for more? Isn’t it better to cut my losses? We were always going to end. Isn’t it better for us both?
My pulse races, hammering in my chest to the point I can’t catch my breath. I refuse to be the kind of woman who throws her friends aside for a man, and if I choose Chase, wouldn’t that be exactly what I’m doing? They’d never forgive me. They’d never understand. I can’t share any of this with them either.
Resentment claws under my skin, spreading like a virus. I resent Chase for breaking Callie’s heart. For nearly ruining my friendship with her. I resent Callie and Jill for showing up a day early. But mostly I resent myself. For not being strong enough to give everyone’s expectations a big middle finger. I might be stronger than before, but I’m still just a girl trying to please everyone else.
When will my happiness come first?
As soon as I pull into the parking lot, I force a smile to my lips. Like slipping on a dress, I’m ready to play the part of the carefree, fun-loving friend. It’s what they expect. I get out of the car and try not to think about how similar this feels to walking into my parents’ for Sunday brunch. How I will always be a woman content to wear different masks for different people. Because if I do, I might have to reflect on why it’s so important to make everyone happy.
As soon as I catch sight of my girls sitting inside, I all but run and tackle them for hugs.
“Alicia!” Callie wraps her arms around me. “It’s so good to see you!”
“Oh, my God! Your hair!” Jill’s mouth falls open as she takes in my appearance. “I fucking love it!”
I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into our group hug. “Best bitches.” It’s the same sentiment I’ve used for years, but for the first time it feels shallow.
We move to take seats around the café table.
“So.” Jill grins, handing over a menu. “Did we surprise you?”
“Yes!” I’m certain they’re able to read the deceit through my bright smile. Somehow, they know I’ve been with Chase. Which is utterly ridiculous. I need to chill out. “You should have called when you were leaving so I could free up my schedule earlier!”
“I wasn’t sure I could get the time off.” She shrugs, then waggles her brows. “And now I need to know exactly what you were doing that you couldn’t get here for twenty minutes.”
“More like who you were doing!” Callie laughs.
My face feels hot and I roll my eyes in an attempt to downplay my reaction. “Nothing that enjoyable. Believe me.”
“Bummer.” Callie pouts. “We were hoping you found a summer fling.”
“A man will only hold me back from my goals.”
“I agree.” Jill nods. “Though, a fuck buddy is a nice alternative.”
“How about we order?” I raise my hand and wave over a server. Callie and Jill don’t seem to pick up on my discomfort, and that’s a good thing. At least, I think it is. I’m not sure I should be so proud of being able to deceive my friends so easily. What does that say about me as a person?
After we place our orders, I tell them about my work at the center. The drama with the teens. Of course, I don’t mention Chase or how I’ve been staying in his uncle’s house. The familiar swirl of guilt wraps around my chest, making it hard to smile and pretend everything’s just grand. I used to feel this way often. It’s why I loved drinking. It helped ease the shame that came with my guilt.
“So.” Jill leans forward after our food is brought to the table. “How’s Chase?”
“What?” Her bluntness catches me off-guard and I almost drop my glass of water.
Fuck. “Right.” I swallow hard. Of course she’d know he was here. I search her face for signs of anger or allegation, but all I find is sincerity. “He volunteers at the community center.” I keep my tone even, my smile steady, and state the facts. “It’s not a problem.”
“There’s no way he’s not been a pain in your ass. I appreciate that you haven’t complained once, but it’s got to be annoying. He’s like the last person you’d want to see every day.”
Right. That’s how I should feel, but my spine stiffens at her choice of words and I almost open my mouth to defend him. But I can’t do that, either. Not the way I should. “You know, he really hasn’t been that bad.”
Callie’s brows rise and she sneaks a glance at Jill.
“Seriously?” Jill scoffs.
“I don’t see him that much at work.” Not a total lie. “He does a lot of maintenance and sure, we pass each other throughout the day, but it’s not like I stop to chat.” God, I’m a piece of shit.
“That’s surprising.” Jill shrugs. “But good.”
“Yeah,” I agree and shove a giant bite of pastry into my mouth.
“So when do we get to see your new digs!” Callie claps.
I almost choke. Swallowing my food, I wash it down with a gulp of water before answering. “Not tonight.” I can’t chance one of the other staff mentioning my absence, because there’s no way I could explain that. “Anyway there’s really no space to hang out. Maybe we can go to your hotel? Walk down to the beach? I really need an escape from it all.”
“Yes. Totally get that,” Jill says. “But we have to see this dorm before we leave.”
