The Letter

by Emma Crawley

  I give her a wry smile. "You are all kindness, Lady Catherine," I said.

  Lady Catherine had a whole business arranged in no time at all. Within an hour, my trunks were packed, and Lady Catherine's carriage was brought around to the front of the house. I embraced Charlotte as she clasped me.

  "This will all blow over. I am sure it will," she said.

  I stood back and kissed her on the cheek.

  "I do not doubt it. Eventually, another scandal will come along far more interesting than this one. Do not worry about me."

  I looked across at my cousin. Mr Collins stood beside Lady Catherine with his hands clasped behind his back. He looked above the top of the trees as if there was something particularly interesting there while bobbing up and down on his toes. I smiled and turned away to the carriage when, to my surprise, Lady Catherine came towards me.

  "I am glad to see you are a sensible girl," she said. "At least you are not determined to ruin my nephew. You understand that you are out of your depth here. He will never be a match for you. He is to marry my daughter and join their houses. You are a pretty enough girl, but you reach too high. Have a safe journey to London."

  I do not think her statements worthy of a response. I dropped a brief curtsy and turned away to the carriage as she stepped back. Before Lady Catherine could stop him, Mr Darcy came forward to hand me in. I flinched and almost refused his hand, but I glanced behind me to see all the rest were watching. With a sigh of resignation, I slipped my hand into his and allowed him to hand me inside.

  "Miss Bennet," he said urgently.

  I turned to him with a steady stare. "Thank you, Mr Darcy. I am not sure we shall meet again, so allow me to wish you the best of health and good wishes to you and your family."

  I nodded to the servant to tell the coachman to drive on. I kept my eyes forward and refused to look back at the small group. There were few there I was sorry to leave. Perhaps only Charlotte, Colonel Fitzwilliam, and Maria. I leaned back against Lady Catherine's comfortable carriage seat as we turned on the road to London. I ran my hand over the plush velvet and smiled to myself. Distressing as this situation was, I had to admit that something good has come out of it.

  9

  Having been dispatched so suddenly, I did not have time to write to my aunt and give her the news of my early arrival. Heads popped out of the windows in Gracechurch Street as Lady Catherine’s magnificent carriage rolled up before them. The houses in this area were smart and well-kept, but they were those of merchants. None had a carriage even close to the one I arrived in. I sighed as I recalled Lady Catherine’s ostentatious panels on the doors. Perhaps this carriage had not been such a good idea.

  My aunt, my uncle and my sister all rose in astonishment as the footman showed me into the drawing room.

  “Lizzy,” cried Jane. “What on earth are you doing here? We did not look for you for another week at least. Do we have the day wrong?”

  “Not at all. There has been a change of plan, so I have arrived earlier than expected.” I looked at my aunt and uncle and smiled. “I had enough of Hunsford Lodge and Rosings Park. It was time I left. I needed to see something other than Rosings and hear about Lady Catherine’s chimneypieces.”

  It was not exactly a lie but not quite the truth either. However, it would do for now, until I was certain how much I needed to confess. There was no point in concerning my family unless it became necessary.

  “Are you sure everything is all right?” asked my uncle, his brow furrowed with concerned. “You should have sent a letter. If I had known you planned to arrive early, I would have arranged for one of my men to meet you.”

  “There was no need for that, Uncle,” I said in a voice of forced cheerfulness. “It turns out that Lady Catherine wished to pay me particular attention. She very generously offered me the use of her carriage to bring me here as well as her servants. I hope you do not mind, but I sent them to the kitchens to avail of some refreshments before making the journey home.”

  “Not at all,” said my uncle. He looked a little confused, but, to my relief, he chose not to pursue the matter further.

  “Well then, you were here Lizzy. I hope Charlotte was not dismayed by your choosing to leave early?” asked my aunt.

  “I think she understood perfectly well, Aunt.” I smiled at her.

  Jane was observing me as my aunt and uncle walked away, murmuring to themselves. My aunt rang the bell to order some refreshments for me as I removed my coat and gloves. Jane stood beside me and waited until my aunt and uncle are out of earshot.

  “Are you sure all is well, Lizzy?” she asked. “It is not like you to change plans so suddenly. Your letters told me you were enjoying your stay in Kent. Did something distress you? Mr Collins was not unpleasant to you for refusing his offer of marriage?”

  At the mention of marriage, I felt an irresistible laugh bubbling in my throat. I had to look away before I gave in to the urge, or Jane would think me mad.

  “Oh, Mr Collins is as Mr Collins always is. He will never change.”

  I turned to my sister and took her hands with a smile. “No, Jane. I missed you. I have not seen you for months and months, since Christmas. Is it not so strange that I might wish to return early to see you?”

  Jane smiled, though the look in her eyes suggested she did not quite believe me.

  “Well, if you say everything is all right, I shall believe you. And it is very good to see you again. I have missed you, my dearest Lizzy.”

  I smiled at her as I scanned her lovely face. She looked as beautiful as ever, though I detected a certain sadness around her eyes. My heart sank. I had hoped the change of scenery might have aided her recovery from her heartache. But she had hoped to see Mr Bingley. As far as Jane was concerned, he knew of her presence in London and decided not to see her. Should I tell her he did not know she was there? It was hard to know what to do. If I told her, she might think ill of Mr Darcy and… I did not understand why I did not want her to think badly of him. Perhaps it was a grudging sense of protection towards him after he had tried to defend me only hours before. It was hard to feel so set against a man who offered to call out a clergyman because he insulted me. There was also the small matter that if Mr Bingley had not known of Jane’s presence before it was probable he might now. Even if he knew Jane was in London, he was a young man and London was full of distractions. There was no guarantee he would come to see her. It was only hurt Jane for a second time and set back the recovery of her heartache by months. No, I suspected it was best if Jane not know about Mr Bingley right now.

  “How are you feeling, my dearest Jane?”

  Jane smiled and squeezed my hand. “I am well. You must not worry about me. I have had a lovely time here. My aunt and uncle have been so good, and the children are dears. Now I have my dear Lizzy with me. I shall I want for nothing.”

  I smiled and nodded and turned in my aunt’s direction as she called us for refreshments. I did not believe Jane for a moment. She was still as unhappy as she ever was. I would have to do my best to cheer her up and aid her recovery as best I could.

  After we had enjoyed our refreshments, I invited Jane to join me for a walk. It was early evening and being summer, it was still bright. I wished to watch the sunset over the river. Jane agreed, and as we walked, she asked me many questions about Kent.

  “What a coincidence Mr Darcy was there just as you arrived. How was he? Where his manners much improved while he was among his family?”

  I hesitated as I considered how to respond. I pictured his face before me, his voice urgent as I closed the carriage door and bid the driver to leave.

  “I suspect Mr Darcy is as he ever was,” I said carefully. “At least in essentials.”

  “And did he… Did he have much news to impart about his friends from the north?”

  “You know Mr Darcy. He always has little to say. It was his cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam, who provided most of the conversation in the evenings.”

  “Ah yes, Colone
l Fitzwilliam.” Jane smiled at me. “You mentioned much of him in your letters. I had high hopes you might come here with some news…”

  I could barely suppress a laugh. If only she knew.

  “No, I am afraid that delightful as Colonel Fitzwilliam was, he was afflicted with a dreadful ailment.”

  Jane stared at me in horror. “Oh, no, the poor man. What is the matter?”

  I burst out laughing, feeling sorry for teasing her.

  “I am afraid his affliction is no more than being the youngest son of an earl. He must make his own way in the world, and part of that is that he must marry a woman of fortune. I had no hopes of him, and I did not mean to be unhappy about him. I was happy to enjoy his company, and he added much to the spirit at Rosings, which will be sadly lessened once he leaves. But no, my heart is as untouched as ever.”

  Jane nodded, but her eyes were thoughtful. “Do you think any of us will ever get married?” she said. I looked at her in astonishment. Jane had such strict notions of propriety, it was almost an indelicate question coming from her.

  “Why do you ask such a thing?”

  Jane smiled though it was somewhat strained. “Forgive me. I do not mean to be downhearted. I have just been thinking about it since I have been here. We have no prospects, do we? Do you ever think about the fact that year after year passes by and still we remain single? I know you, and I have always maintained that we should marry for love, but that does not seem to be happening for us, does it?” Jane sighed. “I am sorry. I am just growing more and more concerned about the future. My mother is right, you know. Father teases her, and we do too in our own way. But she is right. What will happen to us after Father is dead?”

  We walked along the edge of the river, and I gazed across to the opposite bank towards Southwark to avoid looking at Jane. I did not know how to respond. I had never heard her speak like this before. I had no idea she had such concerns. She always appeared so cheerful and content. Had Mr Bingley’s rejection of her really caused her such fears for the future? I picked up a small stick and flung it into the river.

  “But consider the alternative. Marriage to men we cannot care for. Does either of us wish for that? I see Charlotte and Mr Collins. Charlotte is content enough, but I cannot envy her situation. I could not enjoy the thought of Mr Collins coming home to me every night. Could you? Are all your fears for the future so terrifying compared to that prospect?”

  Jane did not respond. Eager to distract her from such gloomy thoughts, I spotted a tea room in the distance I had not visited since my last stay in London. I grabbed Jane’s arm and led her towards it.

  “Come, Jane. I have a great desire for sandwiches.”

  “Now?” Jane laughed. “You have just had tea at Aunt and Uncle’s house. How can you be hungry?”

  I had not been hungry in days, not since Mr Darcy’s proposal. But I could not tell Jane that. I merely smiled at her and continued pulling her towards the tea room.

  “You know how I am. I am always hungry. Now, tell me what you have been doing in London all these months. I am eager to know. Tell me about everyone you met and every ball you attended. Tell me about all Aunt and Uncle’s friends.”

  We spoke late into the evening and, once we returned to the house, I made an excuse to go to bed as soon as possible to avoid any more awkward questions by Aunt and Uncle Gardner.

  I looked at Jane as she slept beside me. Her face was paler than usual. Even in her sleep, I could see how unhappy she was, and it broke my heart to see it. Jane was a jewel of our family. She was the prettiest of us all, and the kindest and sweetest. None of us said it out loud, but we had always depended on her to raise our family’s fortune. We always believed that someday, her beauty and her good nature would attract a good, wealthy man who would see us all secure. We thought Mr Bingley was that man.

  If Jane could not find love, what hope was there for any of us? What future awaited us? Mr Collins would descend on Longbourn before Father was in his grave. And after what had happened in Kent, he was less disposed than ever to help us.

  For the first time, I felt a pang of fear as I imagined the future before us. How long had Father and I ridiculed my mother whenever she spoke about the future? Whenever she complained about us ending up in the hedgerows after my father’s death? We would share a look across the room, rolling our eyes and shaking our heads. We never treated her seriously because… Well, we always assumed things would work out somehow. We never took the future seriously. For the first few years of my life, until at least five years after Lydia’s birth, we all believed we would have a brother who would secure our futures. When that boy did not materialise, by that stage, Jane had blossomed into a beautiful girl. We turned our attention is to her and put all our hopes for the future in Jane making an excellent match.

  But it had not happened. It was pure luck that Mr Bingley had taken Netherfield Park last winter. It was rare that an eligible man came into our vicinity. And everything seemed to work out so perfectly. He was drawn to Jane, as well he should be. She, likewise, fell in love with him. It all seemed so perfect, and yet all it took was for his friend to pour words into his ear for him to leave. And Jane had been in London for months, and from her conversation, there were no other suitors on the horizon.

  What would become of us? As women, we had a limited time in which to find husbands. Every year that passed made it less and less likely that we could secure a future with a good marriage. Uncle Gardiner could not take us in after Father died. He might wish to. He would probably feel obligated to. But he had a family of his own. We could not expect him to provide for six women as well. It would not be fair to him.

  I rolled over on my side and tossed restlessly before recalling I had best not wake Jane. For the first time in my life, I realise I was afraid of the future. I felt a gnawing fear of what would become of us. I sighed and stared out the window at the moonlight beyond, trying my best to achieve the sleep that eluded me.

  10

  Aunt and Uncle greeted me warmly the next morning. As I kissed Aunt Gardiner on the cheek, she took my hand.

  “I wish to speak with you alone, Lizzy. After breakfast.”

  I nodded though my heart pounded. Did she know after all why I had returned to my family? What would she say? She would not approve of my refusal to marry Mr Darcy. I took my seat at the table and hardly heard the conversation taking place around me.

  “We are to be engaged with the Portland’s tonight,” said Aunt Gardiner. “I have informed her we shall have an extra number. Does that sound agreeable, Lizzy?”

  I was not aware she had asked me the question until Jane gently nudged me and Aunt was forced to repeat it.

  “I beg your pardon,” I replied. “Yes, yes, that is agreeable.” I looked down at my toast and realised I was behaving strangely. I raised my eyes and forced myself to smile around the table and try to assume some of my usual lively interest. “What sort of people are the Portlands? Shall I enjoy them as sensible company, or will they provide me with sport for laughing?”

  My uncle laughed, and my aunt shook her head.

  “Ever your father’s daughter. No, you will like them. And you will have much to discuss with Mrs Portland, you know. She comes from Kent and lived there before she went to school in Derbyshire, where we met. I believe she did not live too far from Rosings. You may compare your impressions of the place. Though I am sure she will be more than a little disposed to favour it. Do be careful, Lizzy, and do not be too free with your thoughts on Lady Catherine, will you?”

  “I shall try my best,” I said with a strained smile. Of all the misfortunes. It would take some self-command on my part to appear as though I was unaffected by recollections of Kent and the people who dwelt there. “But if she shares my opinion of the lady, I shall be hard-pressed not to join in with her, shall I not? Come, you would not expect me to behave under such provocations as that.”

  Jane smiled. To my surprise, she put her arms around me and pulled me into a quick
embrace.

  “I have missed you. Your irreverent tongue will always entertain me no matter what happens.”

  Aunt Gardiner smiled and shook her head. “I am pleased to see how agreeable it is for both of you to be reunited. I do not know how you have borne the separation. It would have been a great comfort for Jane to have you here. Have you told Lizzy about Miss Bingley, my dear? I am astonished she has not exerted herself to call on us. I must say, no matter how little Jane is disposed to criticise her, I cannot think well of a lady who would behave thus. After she singled you out for such particular notice as well last winter.”

  “I am sure Miss Bingley must have many demands on her time, Aunt,” said Jane quietly. Her fingers as they played with the crumbs on her plate told a different story as did one of her letters to me.

  “Come, Jane. Candour is all very well, but you told me yourself how you have been deceived in her regard for you. Do not now tell yourself you have been mistaken in that. It will not serve you well to attribute goodness to those who have done nothing to deserve it.”

  Jane flushed. “Perhaps I have misjudged her. She might have a good reason for not coming to see me. London is filled with distractions. She must have a wide circle of acquaintances here, all eager to meet with her. It is no wonder she and her brother have not called on me. I cannot blame them for it.”