The Letter

by Emma Crawley

  Mr Darcy stared at me without speaking. His lips moved, and when he looked away, his hands gripped his knees. He took a deep breath before turning to look at me again. He stood up from the chair, and though he did not come toward me, his height meant I was forced to look up at him. I refused to look away, no matter how much I wanted to.

  "You think this is what I want? Do you really? You are an intelligent woman, Miss Bennet. I am amazed you could say something so foolish. You, who have always boasted of your superior judgement of character."

  My stomach dropped, and I felt the room chill.

  "What do you mean?" I asked. Did he not wish to marry me? My contrary mind told me this would be even worse. If he did not want to marry me, what would happen after all this? And despite the confusion I felt, I even had a twinge of pride. It was one thing for me not to want him. But for him to not want me stung more than it should.

  Mr Darcy paced to the window and looked out before responding.

  "Do you really think I have ever wished to marry under these circumstances? Do you believe I would want to know my wife is only with me to save her reputation and her family, knowing quite well how much she despises me? That I will live every day for the rest of my life with a woman who does not look at me except with scorn? Miss Bennet, you are a fool if you think this is something I would pursue. I would prefer to be rejected by you a thousand times over rather than have you marry me under sufferance. Believe me when I say you are not the only one who finds this a hardship."

  His words hit me one after the other. I swallowed as I allowed them to sink in. Of course, a man of his pride would hate to marry under such circumstances. That should be no surprise to me. Whatever love he might have felt for me, his pride would always exceed it.

  "Forgive me," I said humbly. "I did not think…"

  "No, you did not." Mr Darcy's voice was flat. He threw himself into the chair again and drummed his fingers on his knee. After standing for some moments, I reluctantly took the chair across from him.

  "Is it really as extensive as you say?" I asked quietly.

  Mr Darcy closed his eyes and drew a deep breath.

  "Yes, it is. I can assure you of that. No one is more aware of that than I am. I am surprised someone with your quickness did not notice the whispers going about the room in Grosvenor Square. Mrs Portland's housekeeper had just realised who you were, and she told her mistress."

  "I did notice," I admitted. "I tried not to. I hoped it meant something else. Anything but what I feared." I shook my head. "Why must people gossip so?" I burst out in a fury. "Why must they interfere? Have they so little to concern them that they need to look at everyone else around them to judge and speculate?"

  "Frankly, yes," said Mr Darcy. "It is why I rarely attend social events. It is also why I am often careful about dancing or speaking with ladies or wishing to appear as though I am giving anyone too much attention. I have dealt with this behaviour and sought to avoid being affected by it since I came of age."

  I regarded him as a memory came back to me.

  "I recall the first night I met you. Do you remember? At the assembly in Meryton?"

  Surprisingly, Mr Darcy's face softened with a smile.

  "Of course."

  "You would not dance with anyone."

  "I did not wish too. I heard the rumours in circulation almost as soon as I entered of my wealth and property. Mr Bingley did too though he is less troubled by it than I am."

  "You were certainly very firm in not dancing," I said. "You even went as far as claiming one lady sitting out in want of a partner as 'Tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt you.'"

  "Did I? I suppose…" Mr Darcy's face cleared. "Oh."

  I nodded with satisfaction.

  "Miss Bennet, you must forgive me. I should not have spoken so. It was beneath me. I wanted Bingley to stop pestering me to dance, but that is no excuse. And I hope you know I do not think that about you. I think I have made that clear already."

  I blushed and looked away with a murmured thanks. In truth, it had always troubled me that Mr Darcy should slight my appearance as he did. It left me even more confused by his declaration and proposal, and I could only surmise other factors had charmed him, having so clearly withstood my looks. To hear he thought no such thing was pleasing.

  We sat in embarrassed silence for some moments. A movement near the door called our attention back. My aunt and uncle would be outside, impatient to know the result of our conversation.

  "We must discuss what we are to do," said Mr Darcy.

  "What would happen if I were to refuse to marry you?" I asked.

  Mr Darcy's face stilled, and he seemed to reflect before he responded.

  "I cannot pretend there would be a good outcome," he said. "Everyone now knows who you are, in particular, after yesterday's accident. They will know you as the lady who had her reputation compromised and remains unmarried. People will whisper about you, and it will make it harder for you to find another husband. Forgive me. I am being as honest as I can though it grieves me to cause you pain. But it will not just be you. It will affect your family. If you had a brother, it would not be so bad. But you are a family of five daughters who must marry well to be provided for. And if your sisters are tainted by association, they will struggle to find good marriages. Even a lady as pleasant to look upon and as agreeable to talk to as Miss Jane Bennet. There are other options, of course."

  I raised my eyes to meet him, so hopefully, he winced.

  "Such as?"

  "There is work you could find. You could become governesses, perhaps, or paid companions. You and Miss Jane Bennet, in particular, are genteel and might find something that would suit. You might have relatives who can offer you homes. Perhaps the Gardiners."

  "The Gardiners have children of their own. I should not like to burden them with our care, as well."

  Mr Darcy nodded. "You might go abroad. You saw the men and women boarding ships yesterday. That might be an option for you. Perhaps you could start over in the new world where no one knows about you or would care about any taint to your reputation."

  "But I would be unlikely to see my family again."

  Mr Darcy nodded. "That is a possibility. I am merely providing you with other options."

  "I might still marry someone else," I said. I gave him a challenging look to see how he would take that idea. His face was impassive.

  "You might, but someone who could provide for you and your sisters? Someone who did not care about your reputation? I am not saying it would not happen, but you cannot count on it."

  I drummed my fingers on the arm of my chair. None of the options before me were appealing, and none of them provided certainty. There was no guarantee I would marry anyone else. There was no guarantee I would find suitable employment as a companion. Being a governess was not an option as I did not have the accomplishments to be an attractive prospect. Even if I found work as a companion, there was no certainty a good family might hire me or that I would be happy. I knew many a companion lived a lonely existence. Travelling abroad was not to be thought of. I could not bear never seeing my family again, no matter how trying they were.

  But if I married Mr Darcy. I could provide for my family. I could stay in England. I might not be happy, but I had a higher chance of happiness as a respectable wife than I would as a companion at her employer's mercy. I would want for nothing. And Mr Darcy had already proven he had better qualities than what I gave him credit for. It might not be a happy life, but it would be a better one than the alternatives.

  Besides, I could not refuse him and risk Jane's future happiness. I would not be responsible for ruining her prospects when I had such an opportunity to help them before me.

  I drew a deep breath. I was aware of Mr Darcy, but I could not bring myself to look at him.

  "Very well," I said.

  "Very well?"

  "I will marry you."

  I swallowed and looked away as though someone had dealt me a blow. I wait
ed for Mr Darcy to say something. When he continued in silence, I looked at him. His face was pale, and his eyes had a pain in them that took me by surprise.

  "You will marry me."

  "As I said."

  "Why?"

  I started.

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "Why do you wish to marry me? I have given you alternatives. Why am I preferable to those?" His voice was harsh. This was not how I dreamed of becoming engaged. I always imagined hearing those words from a man I was out of my mind in love with. I imagined my heart would swell with joy, and I would cry tears of happiness. Not this cold, clinical interaction with a man who looked at me as though I was a specimen he could not work out.

  "They are not very attractive alternatives. And marriage to you is…"

  "The best of a bad lot."

  I could not answer that because, of course, it was true. Darcy nodded.

  "Very well. If you agree, I will tell your uncle. He and I will visit my solicitor tomorrow to draw up the marriage settlement. I presume your father will not mind him acting in his stead?"

  I had no idea. But my father was so apathetic I assumed he would not, so I nodded.

  "So, we are to marry," I said. The wonder of it had not sunk in yet.

  "So it would seem. But we need not discuss the arrangements now — where we will live and how soon we will marry. For now, it is enough that we have settled it."

  Mr Darcy rose to his feet and retrieved his gloves. I walked with him to the door. I supposed it was my job now as his betrothed.

  "I will see you tomorrow?" I asked.

  Mr Darcy looked down at me.

  "You will see me tonight."

  "Tonight?"

  Mr Darcy laughed. "Do not look so appalled, Miss Elizabeth. You forget, my sister and I have been invited to dinner. I presume you would not like me to injure your aunt by declining it at this late notice?"

  "No, I — well, I shall see you tonight."

  Mr Darcy looked down at me for a moment. He took my hand in his.

  "Do not look so downcast," he said with more gentleness in his voice. "Perhaps it will not be so bad. Couples have married under worse circumstances than we have. At least we know the worst of one another." He bowed over my hand. His lips just lightly brushed the skin and something about the contact made my hairs stand on end. I drew in a breath. He squeezed my fingers gently.

  "Until later then."

  I nodded mutely.

  19

  Uncle followed Mr Darcy down the passage. They spoke in urgent whispers. I tried to hear what they said as Jane and Aunt Gardiner demanded to know what we had discussed. Uncle Gardiner’s face was grim, but he seemed satisfied by whatever he heard. Mr Darcy turned to look at me one last time, then raised his hand in salutation and disappeared from sight.

  As soon as he was gone, I walked to the drawing room and sank onto the sofa. Jane and Aunt sat on either side of me. Jane stroked my back.

  “Did you agree to marry him?” she whispered.

  “She has.” Uncle’s voice was grim. “I am pleased, Niece. Not with the situation. I would never have wanted this for you. But how you have handled it. I think you are doing the right thing.”

  “Am I?” I looked up at him. “There is nothing else I could do?”

  He sighed and shook his head. “Not when it is as widespread as this. It was the only way to avoid bringing disgrace to your family. You know this would have injured your sisters.”

  “I hope you did not agree just for me, Lizzy,” said Jane anxiously. “Do not marry without affection just to help me. It is not worth it. I should be miserable knowing you were unhappy.”

  I smiled and patted her hand.

  “I shall not be terribly miserable. Mr Darcy is a better man than I realised. Be assured I am not throwing myself away on some dreadful ogre who might mistreat me. I believe he will be a generous husband, even if he is not a beloved one.”

  Jane still looked unhappy.

  “Lizzy sees the matter in the right way,” said Uncle. “Her resilient spirit will make the best of the situation. She is not formed for ill-humour. She will not allow it to make her miserable.”

  “Do you think you can care for Mr Darcy?” Jane asked. “He saved your life. Do you think you could love him?”

  Her blue eyes were so filled with hope I did not have the heart to worry her. She had already dealt with enough unhappiness where Mr Darcy was concerned. I would not allow her to endure more.

  “I am sure some affection will grow between us. It is impossible otherwise should happen if we are to live together for decades. And Mr Darcy does seem to inspire devotion and respect in his friends and relatives. I do not see why I should be any different.”

  “And of course he will love you,” said Jane with a relieved smile. “I do not see how it could be otherwise. It would be the most natural thing in the world that he should fall in love with you. And that will make it easier to return his feelings. Being in love is wonderful.” Her smile faltered. I hugged her.

  “I do not doubt it. I look forward to experiencing it. Now, I forbid you to worry about me a moment longer. I am to marry a wealthy, handsome, respectable man. I think we can all agree there are worse problems to have and I am not to be pitied.”

  Jane and Aunt laughed. Aunt caught my eye and gave me a pleased nod.

  “I will write to your father at once and send it by express,” said Uncle. “I cannot imagine he will object to me acting for you, but I shall tell him all the same.”

  “Thank you, Uncle.” I rubbed my aching temples. “If you do not mind, I think I will take a nap.”

  “Are you ill?” asked Jane anxiously.

  “No, just exhausted. It has been a trying few days.”

  I stayed in my room for the rest of the day. Jane knocked on my door several times to ask if I needed anything, but I declined. I sat on the bed, watching the sun gradually sink in the sky as the clouds faded from white to pink to blue. When I heard a carriage drawing up outside the door, I briefly contemplated pretending to be ill, so I could have more time before seeing Mr Darcy again and having to behave as his betrothed. But I shrugged off such unworthy feelings and squared my shoulders to prepare for the evening ahead.

  Miss Darcy’s face lit up when she saw me.

  “Miss Elizabeth,” she cried as she hurried toward me, taking my hands in hers. “Fitzwilliam told me. I cannot express how happy I am. I hope you will find me a satisfying sister.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at that.

  “I do not doubt it. I hope you will find the same.”

  Mr Darcy stood before the mantelpiece. Though he stood proud and erect and looked as cold as he did at Meryton, by now, I knew him better. I could not miss the nervousness in his eyes as he watched me, as though uncertain how I would receive him.

  I greeted him, and he nodded though he said little.

  Our relatives gathered around us and called a toast to the new couple. It was a rather odd affair. No one seemed to know whether they should show joy at our engagement or regret at how it came about. Only Georgiana seemed happy. She beamed at the two of us as though this event answered all her hopes.

  After our family toasted us, they discreetly moved away to allow Mr Darcy and I to be alone together. I glanced after them with envy then turned to Mr Darcy.

  “Are you well?” he asked. “Miss Bennet tells me you spent most of the day in your room.”

  “Just a small headache.”

  He frowned. “Are you prone to them?”

  “Sometimes. When I have a lot on my mind.”

  “In the future, you must tell me when you have them.”

  I bristled at his presumptuous tone, but his next words were gentle. “I am to be your husband. I will wish to do what I can to ease your discomfort. I can have my physician prepare something for you.”

  “Oh.” I felt rather deflated. “Thank you. That is very generous.”

  Mr Darcy looked over at our family though I suspe
cted it was to avoid looking at me.

  “I would like you to come to Darcy House tomorrow. I will organise a dinner to introduce you to my London neighbours.”

  “Have you told them already?”

  “I have arranged for it to be known.”

  My chest squeezed at that. There truly was no going back now. I took a deep breath and nodded.

  “I know you will not disgrace me,” he said. “I know my friends will appreciate your wit and liveliness. There is nothing to worry about.”

  I laughed. “Mr Darcy, if I could spend time with your aunt, I am not certain anyone else can easily intimidate me.”

  Mr Darcy smiled.

  “That brings me to another point. You still call me Mr Darcy. It is rather formal now we are engaged, is it not?”

  “Are we not still on rather a formal footing with one another?”

  “Yes, but people will…” He sighed. “I do not wish for people to think they have forced us into this. Do you?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Artifice, Mr Darcy? I’m surprised coming from someone who told me disguise of every sort is his abhorrence.”

  Mr Darcy stiffened as I threw his insult from his proposal back at him.

  “It is still my abhorrence. But there is something I abhor far more than that, and that is people gossiping and laughing about you or making jokes about what we— about our marriage. Is that something you would want? To have people look at me with pity because I am your husband? Or have people gossip about how you trapped me into marriage?”

  I shuddered. “No! I would not care for that. Very well, then. What should I call you?”

  “Can you not call me Fitzwilliam?”

  I looked up at him and murmured the name, tasting it on my tongue. I shook my head.

  “No. At least not yet. Perhaps someday. But right now it is too informal. I cannot see you as Fitzwilliam. How about Darcy?”

  Darcy nodded. “That will do for now. Plenty of my close family and friends call me that. Georgiana is one of the few who calls me by my first name. Now, what shall I call you?”