by Kelly, A. S.
I’ve fucked up. Again.
“Is she angry because I’m here?” Carter asks, approaching me awkwardly.
“No, she’s just pissed off with me, as usual. Don’t worry. How come you’ve come along?”
“I thought I’d give it a try.”
“That’s good.”
“Even though…”
“What?”
“I didn’t know if Skylar would be here.”
“So?”
“I’m not really cut out for sport, Coach.”
“No one is born ready, Carter.”
“I can’t even kick a ball.”
“Then maybe you’ll be good with your hands.”
“I have no idea.”
“Can you run?”
“I think so.”
“Well, let’s start with that, then. Go and join in with those two over there. They’re doing laps of the gym. Everyone else will be here soon, and we can get started.”
“Okay.”
“Pay attention to everything I say. Don’t push yourself too hard and it’ll all be fine.”
“Yes, Coach.”
“In the meantime, I’m going to try and sort things out with my daughter.”
“Good luck.”
“Thanks. I’ll need it.”
Carter runs towards the others on his skinny little legs. He trips over a couple of times during the first lap; I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen when he’s out on the field.
I’m going to need a lot of luck, dear Carter; but looks like you may just need some, too.
Jordan
I park the car and scurry towards the gym. I’m a little late already; to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was going to come along to this training session at all. Not after everything that we said to each other at my house; not after last night; not after my message. Things may be a little confused between us at the moment, but I’m still the headmistress of this school. I was the one who wanted to take part in this tournament. It was me who hired him to coach the team; I have to show up. I need to make sure that we win. I’m doing it for the cash prize – it’ll help the kids. I’m not doing it for me, like a hopeless teenager who’s fallen for a man’s charm once again. I’m also definitely not doing it because I’m deluded, or convincing myself to dream again.
When I reach the back door to the gym, I see smoke wafting around the corner of the building.
“What are you doing?”
Skylar jumps up immediately.
“Oh, God, Ms Hill. You made me jump.”
“What is that?” I ask, pointing towards her cigarette.
“I think that’s a little obvious.”
“You’re at school.”
“School is closed. I’m here because I’ve been forced to help out with training.”
“You’re still on school grounds. Smoking is forbidden inside, outside, and anywhere near the car park.”
She scoffs and drops the cigarette to the ground, before grinding it down with her heel.
“It doesn’t belong down there.”
“Then where am I supposed to put it?”
“That’s not my problem; I’m not the one smoking it,” I say, bluntly.
She glares at me as if she’s about to tell me exactly where she thinks she should shove her cigarette, but stays quiet. She bends down and picks the butt up from the floor.
“This time I won’t make a formal report, but if it happens again…”
“You don’t need to give me special treatment just because you’re fucking my dad.”
I stand there, paralysed by her words.
“I’m only letting it go because I never report the first incident. All my students receive equal treatment.”
She doesn’t bat an eyelid.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, they’re waiting for me in the gym.”
“Who’s waiting for you?” Another challenge. She seems to have decided to put an end to her academic career today.
“The team.”
“Not the coach?”
“You’re about to receive your second warning.”
She doesn’t even flinch at the sound of my weak threat.
“Does he fuck you to thank you for the job you gave him?”
“Watch how you go, Skylar. You’re getting very close to a disciplinary.”
“I guess you could almost consider him an escort, couldn’t you?”
That’s the final straw.
“You know, like someone who you shag in exchange for money. You pay his salary, right?”
“You’re suspended.”
Her confident expression wavers.
“With immediate effect. For five days. I’ll inform your family this evening.”
“But this isn’t even during school hours.”
“This is an extra-curricular activity. That means that these are school hours.”
“You can’t do this.”
“I already have.”
She shakes her head, her eyes brimming with rage.
“You’re no longer allowed to be on school grounds. So you’ll have to go and stand behind the gate over there until your father is done.”
“You can’t seriously do this.”
“I do not tolerate threats or offensive behaviour.”
“Have you thought about what my dad will say about this?”
“I’ll say she made the right choice.” Niall’s voice arrives from behind us. “And that it’s best if you do what she says and leave the school.” He hands her the car keys. “Go and wait for me in the car. As long as the car park doesn’t count as part of the school grounds.”
“She can wait in the car.”
Skylar snatches the keys incredulously; she still hasn’t fully come to terms with the seriousness of her actions.
“And make sure I find you waiting in that car once I’m done,” he tells her, his tone hard, laced with disappointment. “Or I can assure you that the consequences will be much, much worse.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“Just breathe. Try to relax.”
“Did I really just speak to her like that?”
“You should be more worried about what she did, Niall.”
“I know, you’re right. But…did you hear me?”
I roll my eyes.
“I was so…firm. Strict. Oh, my God. I sounded like my dad when he used to try and keep me in line.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good comparison to make.”
He shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. He looks at me. “I’m sorry about what she said to you. She’s not pissed off with you, she’s pissed off with me.”
“I’m not sure. Maybe whatever is going on between us is impacting her more than we think.”
He smiles a little. “Whatever’s going on between us?”
“You know what I mean. Don’t start focusing on the unimportant stuff.”
“It’s not unimportant to me,” he says, serious.
“Please.”
“Okay,” he sighs. “What should I do?”
“Do I really need to tell you?”
“You’re the one who suspended her.”
True; and it’s going to have a worse impact on her than our ‘affair’. She was just beginning to feel accepted again, to trust people, to really make an effort. She was just starting to believe: and I’ve destroyed everything.
“No,” he tells me, dragging my attention back to the present. “Stop blaming yourself. You did what you had to do.”
“I made everything so much worse. She didn’t need more discipline: she needed a different kind of help.”
Niall scoffs, before getting to his feet and yelling something at the team.
“I have to go,” he says, “or we’ll never win this tournament. And I made a promise to someone that we’d win.”
I smile. Even though now is not the right time to be thinking of his promise, I can’t help but harbour a little glimmer of hope.
“C
an we talk later? I don’t know what’s going to happen once we get home. I might need some guidance.”
I think about it for a moment. “Of course. I’m not sure I’ll be helpful, but…”
“Thanks, Jordan.”
“Go on, your team’s waiting.” I nod towards the field. “I’ll be here if you need an assistant.”
He flashes me a smile before leaping down the steps leading up to the gym and joining the exhausted kids. I think over everything that’s happened: the way Skylar spoke to me, the rage and pain brimming in her eyes, the fact that I’ve made everything worse. She’ll never be able to trust me again.
I think about the fact that I’m giving this way too much thought.
Way more than if she were just any student.
Niall
I say goodbye to Carter and gather my courage, opening the driver door and sliding into the car. To my enormous relief, Skylar is still sitting here. I switch on the ignition and pull out of the car park, heading home in silence, my stomach in knots. I really hope I can keep up this hard, stern exterior for the whole journey; but apparently, fate has already decided to leave me to my own devices. My daughter talks as soon as we’re on the main road.
“She kicked me out.” Her tone promises already that nothing good can come of this conversation. “All those chats, all that crap about wanting to help me… And she suspends me for five days! Fucking five days!” Her voice grows louder. “What for? For telling her the truth? That she’s fucking my dad?”
I can’t keep up any pretences, here. So I dive right in. “That was the least she could’ve done. All things considered, it actually went well for you. She could’ve expelled you: then you’d have had no qualifications and no hope at doing anything good with your life.”
I don’t think that went too badly; but she seems to think differently.
“Oh, of course you’re defending her!” She waves her hands around frustratedly. “She must be pretty fucking amazing in bed, or you’d have got bored already, like you did with all the others.”
She’s just trying to wind you up, I tell myself. She’s doing it on purpose, trying to get a reaction from you. I can’t give in. I won’t crumble.
“How do you feel, Kerry? Accepting money to sleep with the headmistress of your daughter’s school?”
“Skylar…”
“Is that not what you’re doing? Aren’t you just mending the wounded ego of the poor loser whose husband left her for a woman half her age?”
“You’re going too far, Skylar. Watch what you say.”
“Why? Are you going to send me back to where I came from?”
I stop in front of my parents’ house and watch as my daughter throws open the passenger door, launching herself out of the car. I follow her as she storms around to the back of the house.
“Skylar!”
She whips around suddenly to face me. “You can’t send me back anywhere, Kerry!” she yells. “I have no one. I don’t know where to go. I don’t have…” She runs her hands through her hair. “My mum is dead!”
“I know, honey.”
I try to approach her, but she backs away, holding her hands in front of her.
“She died in bed. Alone.”
I let her vent her feelings. There’s nothing I can do but hope that she can eventually let out all the hate and pain inside her.
“There was no one there with her. I wasn’t there! I was at that fucking school!”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?!”
She steps menacingly towards me.
“You didn’t see her. You weren’t there. You…” She throws her fist at my chest and I stand there, take it. “You abandoned her – you abandoned both of us!” Another punch: I take this one, too. “She weighed five and a half stone.” Her voice drops, now. “She couldn’t even stand up. She… She couldn’t go to the toilet on her own. She didn’t eat, she didn’t drink, she…”
“Honey…”
“It took her three months to die. And I lay there every night, next to her, hoping that she wouldn’t wake up the next morning because I couldn’t bear another day of seeing her like that. I prayed for my own mother to die!” Another yell. Another punch. “It was me!”
“No, Skylar, no.” I grab her arm and try to calm her down.
“She’s dead, Kerry.” She says it as if she were only just understanding the truth behind her words. The pain in her eyes begins to melt, trailing down her cheeks in hot tears. “And setting fire to that science lab wasn’t enough. Neither was destroying everyone else’s stuff, or spray-painting the walls, or hurting my classmates. Or sleeping with the worst guy in school.”
I feel like I could cry now, too.
“She’s dead.”
She says it again. She needs to say it out loud.
“Yes, Skylar. She’s dead.”
I need to say it, too; and she needs to hear it.
“You’re all I have left.” Her tone is resigned; and she’s right to feel that way. I wouldn’t want to be left alone with me, either.
“I’m sorry. I promise you, I’d rather I died instead.”
“I don’t believe you.”
I try to wrap my arms around her, but she wriggles out of my grasp. “It’s the truth.”
“Why would you want something like that?”
The answer is so clear to me that it almost makes me smile. “Because I’d do anything to stop you from suffering.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you.”
“Really?”
I give in, and let myself cry.
“Come here,” I say, pulling her towards me and engulfing her in a hug. I squeeze her against my chest and kiss the top of her head.
“You’re the most important person in my life.”
I can feel her tears soaking through my hoodie.
“And you’re the only thing that matters to me, okay?”
I feel her nodding against my chest.
“Just give me a chance.”
She pulls away slowly and I stroke her cheek, trying to clean away the dark trails of make-up that stain her face.
She nods again and I smile, before drying my own eyes on my sleeve.
“I’ve fucked up again.”
“We’ll work it out. I promise, we’ll sort out everything. You just have to trust me.”
After her unexpected outburst, she asked me if she could go up to her room; she said she wanted to be alone for a while, and I had no objections. I imagine she needs time to collect her thoughts, to process everything that’s happened, and to work through her feelings. I knew it would take a little time before the bomb went off; but I don’t think that yelling at me could ever be enough to help her. But it’s definitely a start. I feel like we’re both finally moving in the right direction.
I grab a beer from the fridge and sink onto a stool in the kitchen, pulling my phone out of my pocket and watching as the screen lights up.
All good?
I smile like an excited little kid.
“I need you to take me somewhere.”
Skylar’s voice almost has me flying off my stool. I didn’t hear her come downstairs.
She’s changed out of her usual black, post-apocalyptic clothes and is wearing a grey tracksuit. Her face is freshly-washed, her hair pulled back into a lazy ponytail; she has no make-up to hide the tiredness of her eyes. She seems so much younger now. So defenceless.
“If that’s okay,” she adds, nervously.
Don’t cry, Kerry. Now is not the time.
“Where do you need to go?”
She takes a deep breath. “I have to apologise to someone. And I want to do it before it’s too late.”
Jordan
My phone vibrates on the living room table, next to the half-eaten plate of macaroni and cheese.
I’m outside.
I jump up from the sofa and yank up the zip of my hoodie, quickly glancing at my reflection in the hallway mirror
– I want to check I have no leftover food clinging to my face. All clear. I open the door.
“Hi. There’s someone here who wants to talk to you.”
He steps aside, and his daughter appears next to him. Her make-up-free face is drawn and pale, her hair gathered half-heartedly onto her head. Her eyes are filled with fear, her posture terrified.
I open the door a little wider and invite her inside; Niall stays in the corridor.
“I’ll give you two a few minutes. I’ll be waiting downstairs.”
I smile at him and let him leave, closing the door behind him. I turn to Skylar, whose eyes are already filling with tears.
“I’m sorry,” she says, sniffling. “I don’t know why I said those things. I don’t know why I do stuff, sometimes.”
“Okay.”
“I didn’t mean any of it.” She lifts her gaze to meet mine. “I promise, I didn’t mean it.”
I smile with relief. Not because I didn’t agree with what she said about me and her father, but because she’s trying to pull herself out from her pain.
“You’re…” Tears start to tumble down her cheeks. “You’ve been so nice to me, and you’re so…” She lifts her hand, gesturing towards me. “And I’m so…”
“Oh, honey…” I step towards her and Skylar practically throws herself at me, wrapping her arms around my waist. “It’s okay.” I slowly stroke her hair. “It’s all going to be okay.”
“I’m sorry,” she says again, her wet face pressed against my hoodie.
“I know.”
“Please, forgive me.”
“It’s okay, relax.”
She pulls away from me and studies my expression. “I promise that I’ll make it up to you. I’ll work really hard, I’ll let Carter help me. I won’t mess up anything else.”
I smile at her. “I believe you.”
“You do?”
“Yes.”
“So you’ll give me another chance?”
“As long as you’re on-time and ready to work on your first day back after your suspension.”
She dries her eyes, finally smiling up at me.
“You can count on me.”
“Shall we get your father now? What do you reckon?”
