Christmas with Her Lost-and-Found Lover

by Ann Mcintosh

  After commanding Bax to lie down, she easily found the sedative Rohan requested, and wheeled out the portable X-ray machine while he administered it. There was scant conversation between them, but after the first few fraught moments, they fell into an easy working rhythm.

  She had some serious matters to discuss with him, but while he was setting up to operate, or was repairing the torn CCL the X-ray revealed, wasn’t the time.

  “Luckily there are no broken ribs,” Rohan said as he looked at the chest X-ray. “He’s obviously in some pain, but the bruising should heal without intervention.”

  Once they had the husky prepped, Rohan made the incision, and the surgery was underway. When she heard her phone ringing in her bag, she ignored it. If it was important, the person would leave a message.

  They worked in relative silence until, as he was removing the torn ligament, Rohan said, “Thanks for offering to help with this. I could have managed on my own, but it’s definitely easier with two sets of hands.”

  “Any medical procedure is, isn’t it?” she replied, keeping her voice level, although being in such close proximity to him was difficult. While she could have left, giving herself time to process what had happened, she knew delaying the inevitable wouldn’t help.

  Besides, she wanted to get a handle on who this new Rohan was, since it was clear he was much different from the sunny young man she’d once known. Getting to know him a bit would, hopefully, give her an idea of how to move forward.

  “You said you brought these dogs up from Calgary?” she asked, looking for an opening to ask him more personal questions.

  He glanced up at her over his mask and nodded. Being on the other side of the table, with the bright light overhead, allowed her to see the lighter shading in his irises, which at a distance looked uniformly dark brown.

  “We rescued them from a hoarding situation. Almost fifty dogs kept in a barn in horrible conditions. Ten of them were huskies, so we contacted Janice to see if she would take them. They need people who understand the breed to work with them so, hopefully, they can find new homes.”

  “Or maybe get taken on by one of the dogsled teams?”

  The corners of his eyes crinkled as he said, “That would be even better, since they’re not really used to being house pets, but most of them don’t even know how to be dogs yet, much less working animals. The two that were with Ben this morning are, so far, the ones who’ve adapted best. Some of the others don’t even want to go outdoors.”

  “That’s so sad. Do you work with the rescue as their vet?”

  “No, I’m a partner in a clinic in Calgary, and we sometimes do pro bono work for the rescue. They operate strictly on donations, so they’re usually strapped for cash.”

  “That’s nice of you.”

  He shrugged, checking the dog’s meniscus for damage. “I like to give back to the community.”

  That sounded like the old Rohan, who’d been vocal about social activism. It was kind of nice to know that hadn’t changed.

  “What about you?” he asked, gaze still lowered to the surgical site in front of him. “I know you do search and rescue, and gathered you’re an emergency room physician?”

  The question surprised her. While she was focused on finding out about him, she hadn’t considered he might be curious about her, too.

  “Yes, I work in the emergency room, but I’m actually retired from search and rescue now.”

  Once more she was subjected to a moment of intense scrutiny. “Why did you give it up? From what I saw today, you’re very good at it.”

  “It was time,” she said, succinctly. “Also, Baxter had been injured, and they warned me that continuing a full schedule might eventually make him lame, so we retired together.”

  No way would she talk about the avalanche that had caused Bax’s injury, and the nightmares that continued to haunt her. It was the first time in her life she’d given up anything out of fear, and she couldn’t help the shame that swamped her every time she thought about it.

  The meniscus was sound, so Rohan prepared to drill the holes necessary to anchor the sutures that would keep the bones aligned and stabilize the stifle.

  “What happened to you after the accident? Did you come back to Canada after you recovered?”

  Rohan’s hands stilled for an instant, then started moving again.

  “I had to have a number of operations, and some reconstructive surgery. It took me more than a year to get back to normal.” He paused, as though considering what he’d just said. “Well, back to a new normal, anyway. Then I got a job as a government vet, figuring I’d stay in Trinidad rather than come back here.”

  There was a finality to his words. When he reached for the drill and asked Elise to hold the dog’s leg so it didn’t shift, she got the impression he didn’t want to elaborate further. That he’d closed himself off in a way she knew he never would have years before.

  As she watched Rohan’s nimble fingers attach the sutures to the bone, she wondered where that man had gone, and if any of his old personality remained.

  She hoped so, for all their sakes.

  * * *

  Rohan couldn’t stop wondering why Elise van Hagan had come to offer her help, but as he answered her almost too casual questions, his curiosity was further piqued.

  Was she, too, wondering what exactly had transpired all those years ago to lead his family to lie to her? Or was there something else she wanted to know?

  He couldn’t help wondering what their relationship had been like, and if she’d been disappointed when he hadn’t returned. If she’d mourned him.

  Had he been in love with her, fully and passionately, the way he’d come to suspect he was no longer capable of being?

  It was so long ago it felt silly to bring any of it up now, but he envied her the memories. And he was once more frustrated by the blank space in his head, where Elise van Hagan, and who knew what else, once resided.

  “How did you end up back in Canada?”

  He slanted her a glance and had to tear his gaze from her curious gray eyes to look back at the surgical site.

  “I got married a couple of years after the accident, but it didn’t work out. I felt as though I needed a change and applied as a skilled worker to migrate here.”

  So easy to distill some of the worst years of his life into two succinct sentences. Harder though to deal with the residual pain and guilt of his eight-year marriage. The knowledge that he was unable to give his ex-wife the love and affection she’d wanted. That she’d so desperately needed.

  She’d begged him. For love. For the chance to stay together. But he’d known neither of them was happy and hadn’t been able to see any way they ever could be. It was the hardest, and best, decision he’d ever made, but no one else thought so.

  The divorce had caused so much anger and turmoil he’d had to get away.

  Mostly from his father, who couldn’t stop haranguing Rohan about how he’d brought shame down on the family. How he’d once more been a disappointment.

  Thinking about that time in his life brought up so many emotions—none of which he wanted to deal with.

  “Okay,” he said, dragging his mind back to the task at hand and giving the repair site one last inspection. “I’m ready to close, and then I’ll stitch the laceration on his side. After that, we can put him in a kennel to recover.”

  Elise didn’t reply but silently handed him the needle, already prepared for suturing, and watched as he closed the incision site.

  To forestall any more questions about the past, he asked, “Are you ready for Christmas?”

  He glanced at her as he spoke, and saw a little frown pinch the skin between her brows.

  “Originally I was going to work, but HR told me I needed to take my accumulated vacation time over the holidays. Other than the annual Christmas party put on by the SAR team,
I don’t have much planned.”

  “No family to celebrate with?” He didn’t know why it was so important to ask, especially since her plans sounded suspiciously like his own. It had been years since he’d enjoyed Christmas—so many that sometimes he wondered if he ever had. Yet he wanted to know as much about her as he could.

  “None nearby,” she said cryptically, and with the kind of finality that said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

  They finished working on the dog in almost complete silence, and Rohan noticed that the frown didn’t leave Elise’s brow. In fact, it seemed to deepen as they transferred the husky to a recovery kennel and cleaned up. That, along with the lull in conversation, created a suddenly stifling atmosphere.

  When they’d put the last of the instruments into the autoclave, Elise preceded him into the outer area of the clinic. Baxter immediately got to his feet and walked over to his mistress. As she leaned down to ruffle behind his ear, Rohan saw that a muscle in her jaw was twitching, as though she was grinding her teeth.

  She straightened, and instead of heading to the coatrack for her outerwear, she took a deep breath and said, “There’s something I need to tell you. Will you sit down for a moment?”

  Her expression—serious and yet strangely bland—made him think it was the one she used at work when delivering bad news, and he took her advice, lowering himself into a chair. It didn’t even occur to him to wonder what she was going to say, as she took a seat opposite him and Baxter placed his head on her lap.

  “When you left...all those years ago... After you were gone...”

  She stumbled to a halt and shook her head. Then she lifted her chin and met his gaze. Her eyes were darker, smoky gray, and for some reason it made his already galloping heart pick up its pace.

  “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll get to the point. You—we—have a son.”

  He heard the words. She spoke clearly, decisively, yet his brain refused to give her declaration meaning, even as waves of cold and then hot rushed through his body, making him light-headed.

  “What? I’m sorry—”

  “When you left and didn’t contact me, I thought you’d dumped me. Then I realized I was pregnant, and that’s when I called Trinidad and was told you were dead.”

  “Pregnant?” He knew he sounded like an idiot, but the information floored him, leaving him reeling. The only question he could come up with was, “But why didn’t you tell my father you were pregnant? There’s no way he would have lied to you like that if he knew...”

  Her face tightened for a moment, and then softened, became almost sympathetic.

  “I did. He said he didn’t care—just said I wasn’t to call there ever again.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  ELISE SAW THE emotional struggle play out on Rohan’s face as her revelation sank in, and her heart ached for him. Hers was an old, hardly remembered distress, soothed by the years of having and raising her child. This pain she’d visited on him by telling him about his father’s betrayal was fresh, and the effects were clear to see in Rohan’s expression.

  “Why would he do that?” It was barely a whisper, and she could see the shock in his wide eyes and the pallor of his skin. “Lie like that, disavow his own grandchild?”

  “I don’t know,” she said softly, unsurprised when Baxter abandoned her to go to Rohan and nudge his hand. Even though his gaze never left Elise, Rohan’s fingers turned to scratch under Baxter’s chin. “But you always said your father was manipulative.”

  “That’s not manipulative.” Rohan’s voice rose slightly. “That’s cruel.”

  They contemplated his words in silence, and Elise wondered what he was thinking, whether what she’d said had truly sunk in yet. Then his eyes widened further, and the hand below Baxter’s chin stilled.

  “A son?”

  It was a question, and yet said with such wonder that she knew he wasn’t questioning whether she was telling the truth or not. Somehow, that acceptance filled her with pleasure.

  “Yes. Jeevan.”

  “Jeevan was my grandfather’s name.”

  “I know,” she replied quietly. “I named him that because you always said how much you loved your grandfather, and I wanted our son to have some connection to your family, no matter how small.”

  The corner of his mouth twitched. “My grandfather didn’t like his name, because there was an Indian actor who used it, and he was always the villain in movies.”

  “I looked it up somewhere or other, and saw that it meant ‘life.’ I thought then it was even more appropriate.”

  Back then, she’d thought Rohan’s life had ended, just as his son’s was beginning. She’d been struck by the symmetry of it.

  Before she could say anything more, Rohan sprang to his feet, making Baxter jump aside in surprise.

  “Where is he?” Rohan looked around, as though expecting Jeevan to appear suddenly, beside him.

  “He’s been in Indonesia and is probably on his way to Australia right now. He’s an ornithologist and was on a research mission that ended a couple of days ago, but a friend invited him to spend Christmas in Sydney.”

  “An ornithologist?” Rohan sank back down into the chair.

  “Yes. I even have his noisy African gray, Titan, to prove it. Jeevan would have turned the house into an aviary if I’d allowed it, but I let him keep just one. He was a rescue.”

  Rohan seemed to be digesting all she’d said, his thousand-yard stare hiding his thoughts. Then his gaze sharpened on her again.

  “Is his being away why you said you weren’t planning on celebrating this Christmas?”

  The perceptiveness of the comment should have surprised her but didn’t. Rohan had always had the ability to see the bigger picture.

  “It’s the first time we’ll be apart for the holiday, so yes, I didn’t feel like fussing.”

  “I haven’t enjoyed Christmas in years,” he said. “Not since the accident, really.”

  She nodded, looking away, suddenly awash with all the pain she’d experienced over Christmases past.

  “It’s not my favorite time of year,” she admitted. “So in a way, it’s a relief not to have to go through the motions.”

  He was silent for a moment, making her glance back at him, only to have her gaze once more snared. “Because of what happened with me?”

  “Partially.” It wasn’t something she wanted to discuss, and she sought a way to distract him.

  But before she could think of anything, he asked, “Tell me what happened, after I left to go back to Trinidad.”

  She could remember the devastation she’d felt, but now it was distant, and it didn’t hurt to tell him the truth.

  “You called the first night after you’d arrived, and said you’d call me the next day. When I didn’t hear from you for a couple of days after that, I called, but everyone kept telling me you weren’t there, or not available. I just thought you’d dumped me. You’d said you’d be back before Christmas but didn’t show up. And then...”

  She paused, and he said the words for her.

  “Then you realized you were pregnant.”

  Elise nodded and took a deep breath, wondering why that part of the story had been so difficult to articulate.

  “I called one more time, and that’s when I was told you were dead.”

  Anger sparked in his gaze.

  “I need you to know I never abandoned you. The accident happened the first night I was there. My cousin and I were hit head-on by an oncoming vehicle. He died on the scene, and I was in hospital for almost two months.”

  He touched his face, running his fingers along the scars, and then abruptly dropped his hand back into his lap.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, a wealth of pain in the low words. “But I’m glad you didn’t die.”

  All of that was in the past. Now
was the time to look to the present, and the future.

  So she asked, “Will you be willing to meet Jeevan, once he gets back to Canada?”

  “How can you even ask that? I can’t wait.” His reaction was swift and clearly heartfelt. Then he frowned as he continued, his anger evident. “But I can’t blame you for asking, after what my family did. That’s the most despicable, horrible...”

  His voice faded and, rising suddenly, he looked around, tugging at the neck of his Henley. Elise saw the perspiration that popped out on his brow and upper lip, the sudden, intensifying pallor fading his skin to a muddy gray, and she rose, too.

  “Are you okay?” Crossing the room, she took his wrist between her fingers, immediately feeling the racing pulse. “Sit down. Take some deep breaths.”

  “No,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I just need some air.”

  “Take Bax with you, if you don’t mind. He probably needs to go out.” She hoped the dog’s presence would help him navigate whatever it was he was going through.

  Rohan was tugging on his coat, his movements jerky and uncoordinated.

  “Of course,” he replied politely, as if by rote, already reaching for the door handle. “We’ll be back in a minute. Come, Baxter.”

  And, with a swirl of cold air, man and dog slipped out into the frigid morning.

  * * *

  He hadn’t had an anxiety attack like this in years. Not since leaving Trinidad and coming back to Canada. His heart pounded, as though trying to push its way out of his chest, and his skin was on fire. As Rohan strode through the snow, taking deep gulps of cold, fresh air, his mind whirled with all the information Elise had given him.

  He had a son, whom he’d never seen, never gotten to know. A child who’d grown up thinking his father was dead, because of a lie told twenty-seven years ago.

  At least that was what Elise had said.

  Rohan stopped walking, shaking his head. Something about the way she’d sounded, the expression in her eyes, told him she was telling the truth. Besides, if she hadn’t thought him dead, why even bring up the fact she had a child with him, instead of keeping quiet?