Herd to Breathe

by Amelia C. Adams

  “And they’re taking his side.” Cina pressed her lips together. “You tried to warn me, but I wasn’t clever enough to head this off, and now it’s too late, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t know about that, but there’s definitely some damage being done.”

  “I could go back to my aunt’s house in Alabama. She told me I’d always be welcome there.”

  Mrs. Woods nodded. “I’m glad you have that option, but I wonder if that’s what you really want to do.”

  It was so tempting. After all, back in Alabama, she’d have the chance to start over . . . again. Gracious. How many second chances did a person need to solve one problem? A problem that was never caused by her to begin with? The fact that she wasn’t at fault for any of it burned in her stomach, and she shook her head. No, she was finished running from things she hadn’t even done.

  “I want to stand up to it,” she said. “I want the chance to prove that I’m not this person they’re saying I am.”

  “And I will support you in that,” Mrs. Woods said. “I feel I’ve gotten a good sense of your character, my dear, and I can’t believe a single word I’m hearing. Stick to your guns, as they say, and do whatever you must to prove them all wrong.”

  Cina thanked the older woman and offered her some coffee, but Mrs. Woods declined, saying she had to be on her way.

  At breakfast, everyone was abuzz—Violet and Mr. Redburn had announced their courtship, and it was almost like Christmas morning for all the laughter and happy chatter. Cina was so glad for her friend, and she was happy for Mr. Redburn, too—he was getting such a wonderful girl.

  Right after she finished her breakfast, Mr. Redburn asked to meet with her for a moment, and she stepped into his office.

  “I won’t keep you long, Miss Fairbanks, because I’ve got a lot to do today, but I wanted to let you know that Violet spoke to me. I know about Mr. Gray.” He blew out a puff of air. “I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out, but I do want you to be happy, so I’ll handle a refund or whatever else we need to do.”

  “You will? Oh, thank you, Mr. Redburn. I’m so sorry for whatever problems this will cause for you—I never meant to be a burden.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Sometimes life just doesn’t go how we planned it, and we’ve got to be ready for that. Oh, and I’m not going to make you leave. Violet tells me you’re the only roommate she wants until we’re married and I take up that role.”

  Cina smiled. “Thank you for that, too.”

  “Well, I can’t go disappointing Violet—not after everything else I’ve already put her through. Go on with you now—I have work to do.”

  Cina ducked out of the room, closing the door behind her, and then inhaled deeply with relief. She still didn’t know what she was going to do, but having that weight lifted was a blessing.

  Mrs. Clements came down the stairs just then, carrying a tray. “Myrakle’s had her breakfast,” she said.

  “Thank you, Mrs. Clements,” Cina told her. “You’ve certainly been an angel of mercy to her.”

  The woman shrugged. “It does my heart good to serve someone else, even if it breaks my heart to see her in such pain. She’ll be all right in time. I’m quite sure of it.”

  Cina took the tray and set it on the table, then walked with Mrs. Clements to the front door. When she opened it to let the woman out, she was startled to see Captain Spencer standing there, his fist raised, ready to knock.

  It certainly had been a busy morning.

  “Come in, Captain,” she said. “Where are the girls?”

  He touched his hat to Mrs. Clements, then came inside. “I just took them to school. I wanted to speak with you alone for a moment, if I could.”

  “Of course.” Her stomach was in knots as she motioned for him to enter the parlor. He always did funny things to her insides, but this time, she was filled with dread. Whatever he had to say, it wasn’t going to be good.

  He took a seat, and she sat across from him.

  “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, Miss Fairbanks—”

  That sounded quite a lot like another conversation she’d had in this room just the night before. The knot grew tighter.

  “And I’m very concerned about my family. I know that it’s normal for children to struggle with the other students at school from time to time, and that it’s good for them all to learn how to get along, but I’ll be honest—I’m rather biased when it comes to my girls. They’ve had a lot of upheaval in their lives, and we have the means to do things differently, so I’d like to take them out of school and put them back with a private tutor. Would you consider taking that position, Miss Fairbanks?”

  “I . . . I beg your pardon?” That wasn’t at all what she was expecting to hear.

  “The girls adore you, and I can’t imagine finding someone who suits them better. Of course, I realize you’ll need to consult with Mr. Gray, but I hope you’re willing to consider it.”

  Cina held back a sardonic chuckle. “No, I won’t need to consult with Mr. Gray. He’s not a factor in my decisions.”

  The captain raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying . . .?”

  “I ended our courtship last night. I’m surprised you haven’t heard—I’m told tongues are wagging all over town.”

  “I haven’t been in town to hear anything. I went straight to the school and then here.” He leaned forward. “Miss Fairbanks, forgive me if I’m overstepping, but I’m glad you’re no longer courting. He seemed . . . Well, it didn’t seem like the right match.”

  “I agree. I knew it for a long time, too, but I was too afraid or stubborn to see it.”

  “Does this mean that you’re free to consider my offer?”

  Cina pulled in a long breath. So many thoughts were churning in her head, she didn’t know which to pay attention to first. She loved those girls, but there were things to consider—if she didn’t think about the long-term ramifications of this choice, she wouldn’t be doing anyone any favors.

  “Captain, working for you has meant a great deal to me, but I’m sorry to say, I . . . I need to quit.”

  He sat up straight, astonishment on his face. “What?”

  “I can’t ask you to align yourself with me any longer—you have the girls to think about, and they’ll be tainted by association.”

  “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  Cina twisted her hands together in her lap. “I left my home in Florida because someone wanted my job, and they spread horrible rumors about me to force me to give it up. They said I was having an inappropriate relationship with the father of one of my students, and in the course of one weekend, they made my life so miserable, I had no choice but to leave. Thankfully, my aunt took me in, and her friends helped me find this opportunity. Without them, I’d have no means of redeeming myself.

  “Now I’m in the same situation—you’ve been seen spending time here, and I’ve just ended my courtship with Mr. Gray. The tongues are wagging, Captain, and the girls are going to suffer for it. It’s best if we don’t see each other anymore. It’s the only way.”

  The captain sat back, looking completely baffled. “You’re telling me . . . you don’t want to see us anymore?”

  “I’m telling you that it’s for the best. What I want has nothing to do with it.”

  He shook his head. “That’s impossible. You should be able to stand up and speak your piece, to make them listen to you.”

  “If I were a man, perhaps. As a woman, no. We may have come far over the last couple of decades, but I’m still suspect, Captain. Brazen women aren’t to be tolerated.”

  “Brazen women? Miss Fairbanks, you’re the least brazen woman I’ve ever met.”

  “Be that as it may, it’s how things are. I will never be able to live down that gossip as long as you and I are still seen in each other’s company.”

  He stood up and began to pace. “That’s ridiculous. That’s absolutely ridiculous. We have the right to choose who
teaches our children, don’t we? And we have the right to choose our own friends. I do consider you a friend, Miss Fairbanks, as well as being my daughters’ teacher.”

  “Thank you, Captain. I feel the same about you,” she replied softly. Her heart was breaking a little bit at a time. She didn’t want to say goodbye, but she had to. It was for everyone’s good.

  He stared out the window for a minute, then turned to face her. “I don’t care what other people say, you know. Their opinions mean precious little to me.”

  “But the girls . . .”

  “And you.” He exhaled. “It doesn’t matter as far as I’m concerned, but you’re right—I need to protect the three of you. It wouldn’t be right to open you up for continued scrutiny. All right, Miss Fairbanks, I don’t like it, but I understand what you’re trying to do, and I appreciate that you’re doing what you can to protect the girls as well.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out some money. “Here’s your pay for what you’ve done. I just wish . . . I wish this wasn’t both the first paycheck and the last.”

  When he handed her the money, their fingers brushed. He reached out and caught her hand between both of his and held it for the briefest of moments before letting go. “Goodbye, Miss Fairbanks,” he said quietly, then turned and left.

  Cina watched him through the window as he strode toward his carriage. He stopped halfway down the walk and turned as though he might come back, but then he changed his mind and continued on. Her vision was swimming with tears, and she couldn’t tell whether he did or did not look back as he drove away.

  The next days dragged on as though someone had thrown a blanket over Cina’s entire life. She kept herself busy with housework and in the flowerbeds, and she mended some clothing for the other girls. Helena got married, which was wonderful, but even that didn’t cut through the thick haze Cina was experiencing. She was moving through her life rather than living it, and she didn’t know what she wanted to do about it.

  The whispering was dying down—at least, she didn’t notice it as much when she left the house. She’d only ventured to church and to the mercantile, though, so she couldn’t speak for the whole town. The first day, though, the day she’d sent Captain Spencer away, it had been loud and obvious, a buzz in the air as she walked down the street. It was just like Florida all over again, and she’d gone back inside as quickly as she could.

  She had just finished washing the lunch dishes and was dusting the parlor when she heard a soft tap at the door. She opened it to find Madeline and Summer there, holding hands.

  They seemed to be alone.

  “Hello, girls. What are you doing here?”

  “We had to come see you, Miss Fairbanks,” Madeline said. “Daddy said you couldn’t teach us anymore, but we miss you.”

  “Did you walk here by yourselves?”

  They nodded. “Daddy took us to school, but we decided we had to come here. We left during lunch.”

  “So he doesn’t know where you are?”

  They shook their heads.

  Oh, dear. This wasn’t good. “Come inside and rest for a minute, all right? But then we need to get you back to school. It’s not good to run off like this.”

  The girls came inside and sat down, and Cina sat across from them, wondering how to navigate these rough waters. “I’m glad to see you—I’ve missed you. But your daddy’s right—I can’t teach you anymore.”

  “But why not?” Madeline asked.

  If only there was a simple way to explain it.

  “Because some people don’t like it.”

  “But we like it. And who are those other people, anyway?”

  An excellent question. A very excellent question indeed.

  Cina shook her head. “I don’t have a good answer for you right now—I’m not sure there is one. I’m trying to solve a pretty difficult problem right now, and I don’t know how.”

  “Then you should do what you tell us to do,” Madeline said. “You should take it one step at a time, remember?”

  “I should take it one step at a time, shouldn’t I? But what if I don’t know what the first step is?”

  “Then you ask for help!” Summer said triumphantly.

  “That’s a good idea. Who do you think I should ask?”

  “You should find a big person and ask them,” Summer told her. “You’re a big person, but there’s always someone bigger than you.”

  Cina blinked a few times as the reality of Summer’s words struck her. Yes, there was always someone bigger to turn to. She’d relied on Violet quite a bit since she’d arrived, but Violet had become busier now that she was being courted by Chance. It wasn’t Violet she really needed, though.

  Please help me figure this out, Lord, she prayed in her mind. I don’t want these girls subjected to my situation, but I don’t know how to protect them, either.

  “I’ll ask a big person,” she promised. “And I’ll keep asking until I get an answer. For just right now, please know that I care about you a whole lot, and that I’m trying to help you, all right? Can you trust me?”

  “Of course,” Madeline said. “Our daddy wouldn’t ask you to teach us if we couldn’t trust you.” She paused. “I think that’s why he’s mad at Mr. Parnell. He doesn’t think Mr. Parnell is doing a good job.”

  “I’m sure we can get it all worked out,” Cina said. “Let’s go back to school, and I’ll talk to Mr. Parnell, all right? Do you need lunch or anything first?”

  The girls shook their heads. She got them each a drink of milk anyway just to be sure, and then they headed off.

  When they reached the schoolyard, she saw the children playing outside, and Mr. Parnell standing on the porch. He crossed his arms when he saw them approaching, and Cina swallowed. He was preparing to fight—she could see it.

  “Ooooo, it’s Miss Fairbanks,” one of the older boys said, looking her up and down. His gaze told her all she needed to know—he’d been listening to the gossip. “Hello, Miss Fairbanks. It’s so nice to meet you.” He took a step in front of her, effectively blocking her path.

  Mr. Parnell was watching, but did nothing.

  But then again, she hadn’t really expected him to.

  She lifted a finger, shoved it in the boy’s face, and hissed, “That is enough.”

  He took a staggering step backwards, allowing her to pass. A few of the other boys jeered, but no one else approached her.

  She told the girls to wait for her on the bottom step, and then she climbed the stairs until she was face-to-face with Mr. Parnell on the porch.

  “You need to get your class under control, Mr. Parnell,” she said. “That type of behavior is inexcusable.”

  “My job is overseeing their education,” he replied. “Their behavior outside that sphere isn’t my responsibility.”

  “You’re wrong. Anyone who claims to be a mentor in any sphere sees to the wellbeing of the entire person. If you’re allowing your students to believe that this sort of crass, leering conduct is acceptable, you are failing altogether.” She glanced over her shoulder, noticing how many children were staring at them, then back at him. “I refuse to make more of a scene than I already have, so I’ll be leaving now. Just know this—you will never teach any of my children, including these girls. I’m removing them from your school, and when Captain Spencer comes to pick them up, you may tell him they’re with me.”

  She descended the stairs, took the girls by the hand, and walked across the schoolyard again. She felt sorry for the children who were there to learn, who didn’t participate in the teasing and the mocking. She hoped they’d receive better in the future, and she hoped that the other children would come to realize there was a better way. She didn’t believe they were bad at heart—they just needed guidance. Firm, consistent guidance.

  Perhaps a trip to the woodshed.

  She smiled, shaking her head at herself. It was over—no need to think about it further.

  What wasn’t over, though, was the conversation she’d need to have with
the captain. She’d just removed his children from school, something she had no right to do. She just hoped he wouldn’t be angry.

  Chapter Ten

  Cina had been listening for the sound of carriage wheels, and every time someone drove past without stopping, her heart would race and then thud with disappointment. When at last Captain Spencer’s carriage did stop, she pulled in a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

  “Girls, Beans probably has a treat for you in the kitchen. Would you like to go see?”

  They didn’t need any more encouragement than that, and they scampered into the other room. She overheard Beans’ enthusiastic greeting and knew she hadn’t overstepped her bounds by sending them in there.

  When she opened the door, she just stood there, rooted to the spot. The captain had pulled off his hat, and his hair lay in a wave across his forehead. She wanted to reach out and brush it back. Instead, she finally stepped aside so he could come in.

  He didn’t sit down when he entered the parlor. Instead, he paced the length of it, becoming more and more agitated. She wasn’t sure why he was so upset, but she was afraid to speak because she didn’t know if she could.

  At last, he turned and looked at her, and she could see the frustration on his face. “When I got to the school and Mr. Parnell told me what happened, I didn’t know what to think,” he said. “I couldn’t believe that my girls had run off like that, and I couldn’t believe that you withdrew them without my permission. But then I did believe it, and I was proud. Not because they ran off and not because you acted without authority, but because of your conviction in doing it. The girls know what’s best for them and you know what’s best for the girls, and now it’s time for me to figure it out for myself.”

  “I’m not sure what you mean,” Cina said, trying to keep her voice level.