by KT Strange
He did look tired. The tiny, mean part of me was glad. He deserved to lose a little sleep. I certainly had.
“Is this is an apology?” I asked, raising an eyebrow, not willing to give him an inch. “Because there’s something missing if it is.”
His shoulders slumped.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, staring at the ground. The grief in him almost shook me. Almost. I clung to my self-esteem, new-born and fragile, by my fingernails. I wasn’t going to give in just because he felt awful. He needed to feel awful. Groveling wasn’t too far out from what I wanted from him.
“I just don’t understand… why.” I shook my head. “And honestly, I don’t think I want to know. I’d rather think you were just sexually confused and dealing with shit at home-”
Shawn inhaled.
“It’s not like that, it really… it’s part of it, but Mia, you’re not… you weren’t like, some sort of-”
“Vaginal bridge so you could ride a one-way ticket to pound-town with Buck? Oh what a relief, and here I was feeling used.” I opened the car door.
“Mia-“
“I’m not ready to forgive you,” I said, coldly. “You might be ready to apologize, but I’m still hurting. So… just fuck off fora bit, okay?” I slid into my seat and slammed the door, the sound and percussive impact hurting my head. The headlights flicked up, the engine roaring to life.
“That sounded fun,” Uncle Matt said, his voice dry as dead leaves.
A tear slicked down my cheek and I wiped at it, my arm aching, but not as much as my heart. The car reversed and we pulled out of the parking lot, heading home. I snuck a look at Shawn, waiting in the falling darkness behind us. His hands were by his sides, his head down, like he couldn’t even watch me leave.
Somehow I felt more miserable seeing how shitty he was feeling. Hearts were stupid. I should’ve been rejoicing in his pain, after what he’d put me through. The whole school bullying me just so he could jump in bed with Buck and break my heart in the process?
Asshole, I thought, but the feeling behind it was weak and crackled.
“I hate having to be a bitch,” I sniffled.
A warm hand covered my knee and I looked up at my uncle. He was smiling, although his eyes never left the road.
“Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you a bitch. Don’t you have every reason to be upset with him?”
How much did my uncle know?
He smirked.
“I was a lady’s man, remember?” He asked me with a snicker. I groaned and looked out the window.
“Gross, don’t remind me.”
“You’ll find your balance, sweetheart. You’ll figure out how to stand up with yourself without standing on other people. It’s a fine line to walk, but you’ll get there. You’re smart, and you’ve got too much heart. Have faith in yourself.” He squeezed my knee and let go, returning his hand to the steering wheel.
I sighed.
Hopefully he was right.
***
“If you think you can manage without looking at any of this, then I won’t lock it up in my room,” Uncle Matt said with affection as he laid out all my electronics on the kitchen island. I sighed.
Stupid concussion. The plus side was I had a few days off school so I wouldn’t overwhelm my poor brain. The downside? I wasn’t allowed any screen time for the next two weeks. It felt like one of my arms had been cut off. I was spoiled now, obviously. I’d never had a smart phone before, and now I felt like I couldn’t live without it for a few days. My old friends would have laughed at me for being such a brat.
A flutter of panic erupted in my gut.
I needed my phone in case Brandt called.
“I’m fine, I’m not gonna touch any of it,” I promised, giving my uncle the most earnest look I could manage. Hopefully he believed me. “I just want my phone on me in case of emergencies, but believe me, I can deal without using it. Is that okay?”
“I think that’s fine. You just want to be careful. Concussions are serious, and if you don’t let yourself rest, you can have long-term side-effects,” he said, giving me what I’d come to call his best Coach Quinn face.
“I’m not one of your dumb footboys,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “Thinking that I’m invincible. I know I’m not. I’ll keep away from all this stuff. And yeah, before you say, I know, no television, and only books I’ve read before.”
“If you make me a list, I’ll go to the library and get you whatever you like,” he offered. “I think they have some of those coloring books at the grocery store. Isn’t that the thing now? Coloring books?”
I couldn’t help but give him a gentle smile. It was nice to be… taken care of. I could let out a breath and let my guard down, because I didn’t have to be the one watching out for me and the supposed adults in my life.
Uncle Matt was kind of the best.
“I’d like that,” I said. “Very much.”
“Okay, books, coloring supplies, you got it.” He went around the kitchen island to kiss me on the top of my head. I leaned into the touch, soaking it up like the desert sand craved the rain. When everything else in life was off-kilter, my uncle was there. It didn’t matter that he still felt he’d let me down, not being more active in my life up until then… he was what I needed.
That, and money.
But that was a problem for non-concussed Mia. Hopefully Brandt wouldn’t call right away.
“Oh, um, I was gonna ask…” I looked up at him. He frowned.
“What? You have that face on?”
“What face?”
“The face that says your’e about to ask me something I’m not gonna like.”
“I need a few more clothes?” I asked, feeling awful to lie, but I was pretty desperate. Brandt could call at any time, and I had no way of letting my mom know that I was having trouble getting the cash.
Somehow I knew Brandt wouldn’t care if I was struggling to get the money together. He definitely wouldn’t give a shit that I’d had a bike accident.
My uncle sighed and winced.
“Mia, sweetie, you know I want to give you everything you need,” he said, clearing his throat. “But I’m a little tapped this month. Can it wait?” My heart sank like the stock market after an international trade war. What? I watched the news.
“I.. Yeah, that’d be fine,” I said. He gave me a tight smile then frowned.
“Is it… birth control stuff?”
My eyes widened.
“No, I swear, it’s clothes,” I squeaked. He laughed and looked relieved.
“I do need to take you to the doctor,” he said, “for your woman stuff, and… also I was thinking about maybe seeing if you’d like to go to a therapist?”
“A therapist?”
He gave me a serious look.
“You’ve been through more than anyone should, Mia, and that can be hard to process if you don’t have the right coping tools. I know we’re getting more used to each other, but I’m sure there are things you don’t want to discuss with me, and would feel more comfortable opening up to a professional about.” He paused, waiting for my reaction.
“That’d be, yeah I’d like that, I think,” I said. I needed someone else to tell me if I was being crazy, to tell me if my feelings were valid. As long as I didn’t let slip about my mom and Brandt, of course. That as one big thing that I couldn’t share, no matter what.
My uncle gave me another hug and then went back to his den. I heard the sound of the TV turning on, and the door clicking shut. I let out a breath. Where was I gonna get $300 in time to pay Brandt when he called?
Maybe he wouldn’t call.
I gathered up my electronics and set them down on my bed upstairs a few minutes later, looking out the window. The trees were beautiful, the few that weren’t evergreen finally turning shades of yellow and orange.
Fall was one of my favorite seasons, when the world turned to ash and dark, and the night crept up closer with each moment. I didn’t even dread the com
ing winter and the cold that would arrive with it.
For the first time I’d be warm. If only that was the my only struggle right then.
My phone beeped and I glanced at it. It was a text message coming in. I couldn’t check it though. I only wanted to answer if Brandt called.
Beside, there were only a few people who’d be texting me other than Shiv. And those other people were going to be Shawn and Buck.
I didn’t feel like talking to either of them. I plugged my phone into it’s charger and flopped on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.
The next few days and weeks were going to be boring, but maybe that was a good thing. It gave me a reason to avoid the cafeteria.
My body was still aching from my accident. I could just rest and not see anyone if I wanted to. Give my broken heart time to heal along with my body.
Things would get better, I knew they had to. I didn’t need Shawn and Buck to be happy, right? There was more to life than being in love. I’d never really spent time with guys before them, and I could just go back to that.
But… Colt.
He made my stomach feel like I’d just eaten like, the biggest, meltiest, lava cake on the planet. There was such a sweetness in him. I wanted to get to know that sweetness. As friends. Friends who maybe kissed?
That memory of his lips on mine.
I closed my eyes and sighed, a familiar, but totally different kind, of ache throbbing in my belly. I squeezed my legs together and reached over for the lamp. I needed to rest. Not get myself all worked up over a guy.
The last thing I needed was guys right then. A few quiet days, doing coloring and a bit of classwork at home, and then I could get back to school and start facing my future, without Buck and Shawn on either side of me.
***
I started back on half-days, just to make sure the cute, new headaches that had accompanied my concussion wouldn’t flare up too badly. The first thing that surprised me when I got back was flowers, a bouquet of them taped to my locker when I got to it.
My bag slipped to the ground at my feet. It was a handful of blue daisies, their petals creamy-soft and bright, their centers yolk-yellow, tied together with a ribbon.
A card dangled from the ribbon, a small piece of lacy card-stock folded over.
“Oooh, what’s that?” Shiv was over my shoulder in an instant, Boots right behind her. “Ooooh, flowers?”
“Is it from Buck?” Boots asked, and Shiv hushed her. I sighed. I knew word would spread about… something happening between us. Shiv hadn’t asked me outright, and we hadn’t talked about me seeing her and Garrett on the beach… that could wait until later. But still, I didn’t really want more gossip being spread about me. Especially if Shawn, the fact he liked guys, wasn’t exactly public knowledge.
I opened the card.
“Oh shit, Cael Pierce?” Shiv asked.
“Isn’t he dating Paige?”
“I think pumping and dumping, more like,” Shiv said with a delicate wrinkle of her nose. Boots stared.
“Ew. That’s so gross. That’s not the mental image I wanted, ever. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Shivers.”
Shiv rolled her eyes and helped me pull the the flowers off the locker.
“So he feels bad for nearly running you over with his daddy’s sports car?” Shiv asked.
“It’s his, his dad doesn’t drive Mazdas. Thinks they’re beneath him,” Boots supplied helpfully. My head was starting to ache, faintly, in the temples. Maybe coming back to school so soon was a bad idea?
“I didn't think that Cael would have the ability to feel bad about anything,” Shiv said with a laugh. I just looked at the daisies, and wondered what he really meant by them. It was a weird way of saying he was sorry for nearly running me over. But I had to accept that it was kind in its own way, right? It was sort of sweet.
Or did I? Everything I was doing, every choice, every thought that I had, was something that I was deeply questioning. That line that my uncle mentioned, the thin line between standing up for yourself and standing on other people, was really making me check myself all the time.
The flowers were a nice gesture. I wasn't even that angry at him, because he hadn't meant to nearly hit me with his vehicle. He felt horrible about it, and I had a feeling I would be getting a new bike courtesy of his Black AMEX card. That was kind of cool, I guess?
“So,” Shiv said, giving me wide innocent eyes. “Are you and Cael? You know? Are you?”
I sighed and gave her an unimpressed look.
“This is really not the time or place, and honestly no. I am on my own, doing the single thing.” I gave her and Boots a resolute look. “It's high time that I take care of myself, and just look out for me. Besides we’re going to have midterms pretty soon, and I don't need to be thinking about guys at all.”
Boots clapped me on the shoulder and nodded her head wisely.
“Smart girl," she said with a smile.
Half days meant I only did two classes and met with my counsellor, my academic counsellor that is, afterwards to see how how I feeling. The first day had my head swimming. It was a good start, but it hurt mentally and physically. I hadn't run into Shawn or Buck, which filled me with a disappointed kind of relief. I don't know why hoped to see them, especially after everything that we had been through, but I also didn't feel like they were avoiding me on purpose. Even if they were, I don't think I would've been mad about that.
I told them I needed space. It felt kind of like they were respecting that.
I slept hard and heavy and the next few days continued on kind of life that. No more flowers on my locker of course. Except the person who sent the flowers himself appeared, apparently not satisfied with leaving me a bouquet to soothe his guilty conscience.
“Hey,” Cael said as he leaned against the locker right next to mine. He'd been waiting there for me after my final class of the day. I was already up to three classes and my head was doing pretty good. With any luck, I would be able to return to my full schedule soon. I didn't want to fall behind in any my classes, it just wasn't worth it, even with the dull throb of headaches threatening me when I did too much studying.
More than ever I was determined to get into the college of my choice, and to do that I would have to really work my ass off. I wasn't a trust fund baby like some of these kids, and I would need to have every dollar of scholarship money that I could qualify for.
“Thanks for the flowers,” I said, feeling a little guilty for not having mentioned it to him earlier. But it wasn’t like we have classes together, and I wasn't going to seek him out. I seen him in passing, Paige hanging off of his shoulder. While he still had that monkey on his back, I wasn’t going to go anywhere near him. She was toxic, and staying away from her was in my best interest.
Besides, what exactly was the right thing to say to someone as a thank you anyway? ‘Thanks for the flowers, it really made up for the fact you nearly killed me with a car that was worth more than my life?’
Cael’s shirt was unbuttoned, his uniform tie loose, and he looked like he’d just come back from gym, his hair still wet from the shower and slicked to the side. It was a good look on him, I had to admit, which made me feel sort of… odd. His eyes were bright as he watched me.
“I just wanted to say I was sorry, again,” he said, clearing his throat. “I also… not just for the accident, but afterward.”
“Afterward?” I opened my locker and rifled through my paperwork. There was something I needed… but I couldn’t quite remember what it was. All I knew was that I needed it, it was important, and it was for my next class, so it was pretty urgent. Having a concussion was the fucking worst.
“I probably shouldn’t have called the guys,” he said, the words reluctantly leaving his mouth. “I heard you’re having… trouble.”
“Heard from who?” I asked, giving him a look. He smiled and spread his hands. “Oh my god, and guys say girls are bad gossips. Either spill it or shut it, Pierce.”
Cael’s eyes flicker
ed and his smile turned into a cheeky grin.
“You’re getting comfortable,” he commented. I slammed my locker shut and spun the combo on the lock.
“I’m getting fed up with games,” I said, turning away and walking to my next class. His steps jogged behind me and he caught up to me after two paces, walking beside me casually like he hadn’t participated in, and perpetrated, some of my early-on bullying.
“I owe you a favor,” he said. “So I wanted you to know, anything you need, you can just ask for it. Okay?”
I swallowed. A favor? From him?
“Are you trying to buy me off?” I said. “Cause I’m not going to sue you, don’t worry. To do that you need money for a lawyer.”
“Well, I’m sure someone would take it on without fees up front. My parents aren’t the only ones worth money,” he said with a shrug. I groaned.
“That’s the weirdest flex. Are you actually saying your bank account, your trust fund is so big, that it would be worth me finding some ambulance chasing lawyer to take you to court?”
“Maybe not that exactly,” he said, “but more like, if you want something, like… I dunno, an electric bike, or one of those cool Vespa scooters to get to school with-”
“I want a car,” I said, staring him down. He stopped in his tracks.
“What?”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You said anything I needed, right?” I watched the wheels turn behind his annoyingly attractive face, those perfectly even eyebrows knitting together, and his stupidly long eyelashes. Fucking guys and their fucking eyelashes. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Pierce. Thats’s how you get sued.” I kept walking and he coughed.
“I mean it Mia, anything reasonable you want,” he called after me. I waited a beat and then flipped him the bird, hoping no teachers were around to see.
“That’s my girl,” Colt said, coming out of the guys’ bathroom just intimate to see me giving Cael the finger. I raised both my eyebrows at him and he shrugged. “Okay, not my girl, but if you were, that’s what I’d say. Who’s pissed you off?”
“Ugh, Cael thinks he can buy my forgiveness,” I said. The daisies were still sitting on my bedside table, eternally cheerful. Were rich people able to buy flowers that didn’t wilt as fast? It was a topic that required further study.
