by Lara Swann
Nothing more.
It can’t be - not with our past. Not with everything that happened between us.
How could I ever trust him enough again for it to be more than that?
I know better than that, surely. This is lust. Just lust.
Then why the hell are you so scared?
The day moves unbearably slowly and also breathtakingly fast - and the closer we get to the evening, the harder it is to silence the voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that somehow, I’ve fallen head-over-heels all over again.
For Kenneth. The boy that left me.
I don’t know how whether I can deal with that again. I don’t know…if I can do it.
I’m not sure whether I’m more scared of finding out that I can’t - or that I can - and the only thing I can think about all day is what we’re going to talk about this evening. My mind races with a dozen things I want to say to him, things I’ve kept bottled up for so long that I’m not sure whether when I try to speak them, anything at all will come out. I keep trying to work out what I want from him - what he could possibly say to fix or change the past, to let me believe again in something that crushed me once before - but I don’t know. I just don’t know.
By the time Kenneth approaches at the end of the day and stops beside my desk long after everyone else has left, my nerves are almost out of control.
I know he’s right - I know we need to talk about all this - but I also…can’t work out how to feel.
I don’t want this to go wrong. I don’t want to lose whatever crazy thing we’re doing right now. But I don’t know whether I can deal with everything that happened - or if this can possibly end up okay.
“Are you ready?” He asks, his deep voice almost gentle as he smiles at me. There’s a knowing look in his eyes that makes me wonder how much of what I’m feeling he can sense.
No.
I think it - I’m not sure I’m ever going to be ready to talk about all that or dredge it all up again - but I don’t say it. Instead, I take a deep breath and try to remind myself of what he said yesterday.
That we’ll talk until it’s all behind us. Whatever it takes.
I want so badly to believe him that I make myself push aside my doubts, at least for the moment. I can give him that, at least.
“Yeah.” I finally say, pushing back my chair to stand up and glancing around. “Yeah. I think so.”
He smiles at me and grabs my coat before I can reach for it, holding it out for me to step into. My heart stutters a little as I take the offer, something flip-flopping inside me.
Okay, maybe it is more ‘date’ than ‘talk’…
He takes my arm in his and I get another set of flutters in my stomach.
He never used to do that when—when we were sixteen? Yeah. It fits better on the man he’s become.
“Are you sure…” I glance around, a little nervous. We don’t know that everyone has left the building, do we?
“Yes.” He says, his voice firm and unyielding. “I’m sure.”
I don’t try to argue as we make our way down to the parking lot, instead taking the opportunity to walk close to him and enjoy the warmth of his body next to me. It already feels like my skin is aching for his touch, after all my avoidance today, and this is a nice, non-threatening way to get a sense of that. Not too much - not kissing or—
That thought dies the moment we get into the elevator and he turns toward me, pulling me in to take my mouth in his.
Oh god. Oh fuck.
“I’ve missed you, Jessie.” He growls against my lips and my heart speeds up again, my body melting into his and my libido ramping up within moments.
“I was there…all day.”
He pulls back to give me a deliberate look. “You know what I mean.”
My pulse thumps in my throat and I swallow. “I…just…”
“You needed space.” He kisses me again, just a brush of lips over mine as the elevator ‘pings’ and the doors start to open. “I get that - and you can have whatever you need. I just wanted you to know I missed you.”
His hand strokes my cheek lightly, his eyes lingering on mine for a moment before he steps forward and I match his pace almost blindly, my mind too stuck on his words - and that touch.
Damn. Everything about him is just a total sensory overload.
I barely register anything else as he walks me over to his car and holds the door for me - he really is going overboard with this whole gentleman thing, huh - and it’s a few minutes into the drive before I glance around and dimly realize it’s a really nice car. Plush leather seats, wooden dashboard and all sorts of fancy buttons I can only guess at.
“Where are we going?” I ask, after a few moments.
He gives me a small smile. “One of my favorite bars - quiet and intimate.”
The way his voice lingers on intimate has me thinking about other things all over again.
“We’ll get a couple of drinks together, catch up for a little while.”
He reaches over to take my hand, squeezing it, and I try not to worry too much about what we’re going to talk about. The way he says it, it sounds nice.
“Okay.” I say after a moment, squeezing his hand back.
He keeps it there, though, his thumb stroking over my skin for the rest of the short journey. It feels nice, and something about that scares me a little.
This isn’t sex or hot lust or passion. It’s…something else.
He pulls into a hotel parking lot and as we get out and he reclaims my arm, startling me slightly.
“Shouldn’t we be a bit more…you know.” I ask quietly, looking at all the people walking down the street around us.
When there was no one around in the office, okay, but with so many people around…shouldn’t we be a little less…together?
He raises an eyebrow at me, obviously following my thoughts.
“At the office where we both work, sure. But in the middle of town? Where everyone is just going about their business and lost in their own lives? Here, we can do what we want.”
As if to prove his point, he pulls me in and kisses me again. Shivers go down my spine and I can’t deny I love the way he keeps doing that, the intimacy he has no problem showing all the time - but as we break apart, I look around at the upscale area of town and can’t help feeling slightly uneasy.
Is my instinctive discretion really just because of workplace sensitivity? Because I’m seeing the boss and we’re…doing this?
I don’t get a chance to think about it, or voice anything else, before he’s guiding me into the large building, nodding to the doormen as we pass them. If he hadn’t very specifically said bar I’d wonder at walking into a hotel together and just what he was intending - but we head up the wide flight of stairs and into a separate area without ever nearing reception.
Instead, he pushes open a set of double doors and we step into a small bar area, full of tasteful leather-and-wood decor and low-key lighting from above. There’s a bar to the side that we order drinks at, and as we wait I notice several adjoining rooms branching off from this space, providing different kinds of atmosphere. In one, I can hear a group of guys talking and laughing - but the rest of the area is as quiet as Kenneth said. Apart from another couple sat further down at the bar from us, I’m not sure there’s anyone else here.
“Is this okay for you?” Kenneth asks quietly, and I look back to see him watching my expression.
I can feel his quiet concern, and
“Yes.” I nod, meaning it. “It looks like a lovely place.”
Our drinks come before he can say anything else and he leads me through to one of the smaller rooms off to the side. We take the couple of armchairs seated next to each other toward the end of the room, beside a small fire. I shrug my coat off with a small sigh of relief and Kenneth looks over at me, smiling.
“Still cold all the time?” He asks, a knowing fondness in his gaze.
I get a sudden flashback to when we were younger an
d I used to practically jump on him whenever we met up, nestling into the warmth of his body and insisting on walking around like that whenever it was cold outside.
He’s still that warm. Or maybe warmer, since he got bigger and filled out.
“Yeah…sometimes.” I say, my earlier uncertainty coming back again, the past feeling heavy in my mind.
I look up at him and pause, the reality of being here with him - of being there to talk about all of that - hitting me hard. Now that we’re here, I suddenly have no idea what to say.
“I…”
“No, let me.” He takes over before I can even admit it, shifting forward to clasp my hand and looking at me with eyes so earnest I can’t help seeing the boy he used to be - some of the harder, more resolute man I’ve come to know softening.
“I’m sorry about all those years ago, Jessica - about what happened between us. I’ve wanted to say that since the moment you walked into my office, but it didn’t seem quite right to dredge all that up again. I said I was sorry back then, but I didn’t mean it the way I should have. I felt bad about leaving, but I was too focused on myself and the life in front of me to care too much. Not how you deserved.”
“Kenneth…” I interrupt, hesitant. I’m suddenly not sure hearing all this is a good idea. Thinking about it all over again. “It was a long time ago—”
“But it’s why you’re not sure, isn’t it?” He asks, showing the kind of perception I wish he didn’t have. “It’s why you’re holding back—”
“I’m not holding back.” I say, feeling a little stung. I shift back in my seat slightly, shaking my head. “There’s just…a lot to think about. Our jobs, and Abbie, and—”
“Tell me that’s all that’s bothering you. Really.” He squeezes my hand, drawing my eyes reluctantly back to him. “If those are your only concerns, then there’s nothing stopping us.”
I open my mouth to say it, to end this conversation before it stirs up things that are better left buried…but I can’t. Not looking at him like that. My eyes slip away from his gaze and I shift uneasily.
“It doesn’t matter how long ago it was if it’s still on your mind when you think about us, Jessie.” He says softly. “And I understand. I was stupid and careless - and I hurt you. I didn’t even apologize properly. I understand why you haven’t forgiven it.”
I look up sharply, my gaze jumping back to his.
“What? I forgave you years ago, Kenneth.” I say immediately, shaking my head. “I’m over what happened. That’s not what this is about—”
“Then what?” He frowns, obviously confused and for a moment I just stare at him.
How can he not get it?
I take a deep breath, my hand slipping out of his and my eyes drifting over toward the fire instead, trying to work out what to say.
“I don’t…I don’t blame you for what happened, Kenneth. We were just kids, and you had your whole life ahead of you. If I’d been in a better place, I probably wouldn’t have even expected—what I did.” I shake my head, my breath coming shakily as I draw it in. His hand settles on my thigh and I finally look back at him.
“I was a mess back then, Kenneth. You know that - I mean, you saw some of it. I was already angry about the way my Mom had abandoned me - that she’d never come back for me the way she’d said all my life that she would. When we started dating…you were everything to me. It felt like you were all I had. You promised you’d be there for me, Kenneth…and then you left. Just like—just like my Mom.” I blink, my eyes stinging, and I have to reach for my drink to distract myself from the emotion that wants to well up inside me. I don’t even taste it as I take a few sips.
“Jessica…”
I don’t want to hear that tone in his voice. The pain there. I can’t think about him right now, or I’ll never be able to say this - and somewhere deep inside, I know I need to say it.
“No. Don’t. Let me…” I swallow, but look back at him, determined. Needing him to understand.
He stops, but I can see the effort it costs him as he looks at me, his own eyes shining.
“That broke something inside me, okay? It felt like everyone would leave me. That no one wanted me. It—it wasn’t a good time for me. I did some pretty stupid shit. I was a awful to Gramps and Grandma - to the only people that were there for me. It doesn’t—I guess it doesn’t matter now, but I still live with some of that guilt. It was like I knew it was just a matter of time before they left, too, and I didn’t want to wait around for it so I was going to make them leave.” I take another shaky breath, then somehow manage a small smile, shrugging. “They didn’t, though. They stuck by me, even when I was probably the worst kid you could have asked for. Eventually…well, eventually, that worked. I got my act together, because of them.”
He reaches to squeeze my hand again and this time I let him - too much of my mind threatening to think about Gramps, about what’s happened to him and how hard it is to deal with that.
I look back at him, meeting his gaze again. “It’s not that I don’t forgive you, Kenneth. It’s not even really about you. I just…I don’t know whether I can put myself in that position again. It hurt me for a long time, after you left. It took years before I trusted anyone again and even then…I never put everything into a relationship like that again. I never let anyone else in that deep. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to like someone enough that I might actually care if they left me.”
I let out a long breath as I come to a stop, something inside me loosening a little. I’ve never actually admitted that out loud, but I think I’ve always known it.
I never wanted to trust anyone as much as I trusted Kenneth.
I didn’t let myself, even though I knew none of my attempts at relationships could last long when I refused to let anyone in. And every failed relationship was just proof that I was right - that eventually, everyone would leave.
“I’m sorry, Jessica.” He says, his voice rough with emotion. “God, I’m a fucking idiot. I’m so sorry—”
“Don’t be.” I shake my head again. “That’s not—you don’t need to be. I don’t—I don’t blame you, Kenneth. You were just a kid, same as me, and what I was putting onto you was too much for anyone to carry anyway—”
He shakes his head and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him look quite so serious.
“Not that much of a kid. I was eighteen when I left and I’d been through all those moments with you, with your Mom…I should have known. I should have known - and I should have taken you with me. Not just because of what it did to you - because letting you go was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I didn’t see it then—but it’s so obvious now. God, it’s painful to think how different it would have been if I hadn’t been such a selfish prick. So determined I needed to be single and free.”
I shake my head. “Don’t think like that. There’s no point. Besides, things didn’t end up so badly—you’ve got a roaring successful business and an adorable little girl. You can’t regret all that.”
He takes a deep breath, sighing and rubbing his hand over his face.
“No. No, I can’t regret anything that brought Abbie into this world. But even so…” He trails off, then shakes his head and glances back at me. “No, you’re right. There’s no point wondering about ‘what if’. All that matters now is the future.”
The intent way he’s looking at me as he says that makes my stomach flutter with sudden nerves.
He reaches forward, taking the drink I’m sipping anxiously from my hands and placing it firmly on the table in front of us, twisting around in his seat to face me directly and taking both my hands in his.
“Jessica, I loved you all those years ago and I still do, more than ever. I don’t think I ever really stopped, though it wasn’t until you walked into my office that day that I realized it. I’m sorry about everything that happened back then, more sorry than I can ever really say, and I’ve been kicking myself for the last few months for ever letting you go. But what we’ve start
ed now…what this could be…what it was always meant to be. It’s what I want, more than anything.” He takes a deep breath and I know I’m still frozen to the spot, scared and longing all at the same time. “I love you, Jessica. And I’ll never leave you again. I’ll fight for you with every breath I have, I promise you. I want to be the one that’s there for you, the way I was all those years ago. I want you there for me.”
He reaches up, and it’s not until his thumb wipes away a tear on my cheek that I even know I’m crying.
“I understand if you don’t believe that - if you can’t trust me yet—
I shake my head before I think better of it and he pauses, his gaze intent on mine.
“That’s just it…” I whisper, not even sure he can hear me. “I’m not scared that I won’t be able to trust you again, Kenneth…what scares me is that I think I already do. Even after everything.”
He reaches forward and before I work out what’s going on, he’s pulling me out of my chair and onto his lap, so that I’m sitting against him with my legs dangling from his. I want to glance around instinctively, some part of me acutely aware of the public intimacy, but I can’t with the way he’s looking at me right now - the way he’s touching me. His gaze warming something scared and lonely that I’ve buried so far inside me it’s hard to even believe it exists.
“I want to. I want everything you’ve said.” I whisper, unable to deny the simple truth of that. “But I’m scared.”
“I know.” He murmurs gently. “I want to show you that you don’t need to be. I want to prove it to you, over and over, again and again, until there’s nothing left of that fear. If you let me, I’ll do whatever it takes - whatever you need - to make you feel as safe and secure as you always should have been, Jessica. I promise.”
My heart catches on those words, on the sincerity that resonates all the way through him - from the warmth in his gaze through to the gentle way he’s touching me, his fingers stroking the back of my neck.
I want it more than I can believe. To open myself up to him and have him do exactly that. I’m scared, but I want to give into everything he’s offering. More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.
