by Lara Swann
“Will you let me, Jessica?” He asks again, softly. “Will you give this a chance? Not just what we’ve been doing the last few days - but all of it. I love you. I want all of you, with me where you were always meant to be.”
I swallow hard and this time, I do feel the tears. They don’t stop me from nodding, though, the lump in my throat almost too much to overcome.
“I love you too, Kenneth. I’m not sure I ever stopped, either, even when I thought I hated you.” I lean forward, my arms going around his neck as he holds me tight, and I finally whisper in his ear. “Okay. Yes. Okay, we’ll do this.”
His arms tighten around me and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so secure and scared at the same time - but it’s almost starting to feel like a good kind of scared. Like anticipation and potential, as well as everything else.
“I love you.” I say again, because I don’t feel like I’ve said it enough times. Not to him, or to myself. I’ve spent so long denying it… “I love you, Kenneth. I really do.”
He chuckles, leaning back to kiss me. A long, lingering embrace that is full of the need and desire of the last few days - but something else too. It’s softer and warmer. Less frantic, now that it feels like we might have all the time in the world, after all.
A promise.
I hold that promise to me even as our lips part, wrapping it up inside my heart as securely as he’s holding me.
“But…” I start, then bite my lip, hesitating. I don’t want to break the moment, but I can’t help saying it. “There’s everything else, too. Our jobs, Abbie…”
He shakes his head, one hand stroking down my back easily.
“If we can get past this, we can deal with everything else. Anything and everything, so long as I’ve got you by my side again.” He smiles at me, giving me another quick kiss, slightly more playful this time and when he leans back again, I’m smiling too. “And besides, I think you’re probably the best thing to come into Abbie’s life for a while. I don’t think we’re going to have any problems there - in fact, I’m already looking forward to you spending more time…with the both of us.”
“Kenneth…I don’t know…I want that to go well and—”
“I know, I know. I’m not going to rush anything - but I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.” He squeezes my arm gently. “We’ll go at her pace, I promise.”
“Okay.” I nod, some of the pressure inside me starting to ease.
Somehow, everything that seemed impossible only a few hours earlier has started sounding like a plan.
I like the thought of that. A plan for the future. Something I haven’t had since…well…since Kenneth and I were last dating, I guess. I don’t know what that says about me, or what I’ve been doing with my life since, but for a long time I’ve felt like I was just drifting.
“Shall we get another drink before dinner?” He asks, his voice dropping to a murmur. “I still want to catch up on everything about your life over the last ten years.”
“Dinner?”
“You didn’t think I wasn’t going to do this properly, did you?” He raises an eyebrow at me and I smile.
No, Kenneth has never been one not to do things properly. I should have guessed there would be dinner.
“I guess not.” I admit, then glance over at our drinks. “We haven’t finished these, though.”
Mine is only half-empty and Kenneth’s doesn’t look touched.
His lip curls slightly. “All the ice has melted. They won’t be as nice.”
“So in the last ten years, you’ve become a snob.” I say, laughing, but I oblige and stand, letting him up.
He grins at me, taking my arm and walking back toward the bar. “Well there’s no point in all this money if you can’t have a few of the nicer things.”
“That’s going to take some getting used to.” I shake my head.
“What?”
“You having money now.”
His brow wrinkles in puzzlement. “You’ve known about that for the last few months.”
“Yeah, as your secretary. The last time we were dating, though, you were a broke kid, same as me.”
My words finally seem to register and his gaze clears with another grin.
“I’ll get to treat you to all the things I wanted to - all the things I talked about - back then.”
His excitement makes me laugh and I shake my head again, leaning into him. “That’s what I meant - I’m not quite sure what I think yet. You know I don’t need all that.”
“I know, but I want to give it to you anyway.” He takes one look at my dubious expression and nudges me. “C’mon. We have enough actual problems that you might as well just accept it and not start looking for more.”
I laugh and I’m surprised how light and free it sounds - and how much better I feel now that we’ve talked.
He’s right. We needed to do this.
And he’s right about catching up, too, as the night continues and we go out to dinner together.
Hearing all about his time studying and experimenting with business ideas, right up until the launch and success of ExVenture, is fascinating. He tells me other things too, little things that no one else would know - like how tough he finds the success sometimes, especially when it feels like that’s all people can see. His family has always been supportive, but I don’t think he’s had the easiest time with them either.
I tell him about me, too. At first I don’t think I’ve really got anything to say that can possibly compare or be the slightest bit interesting - but as I start talking and he asks specific, observant questions, more and more starts coming out. I realize, with some surprise, that I really am proud of what I’ve done and where I’ve come to - of my job managing events in Springfield, of the way I’ve created a life for myself and found things that I’m genuinely good at.
Seeing the warmth and enthusiasm in Kenneth’s gaze as I talk about it makes a difference, too. I’d forgotten what it’s like to talk to someone about everything - to have someone to share things with - and before I can think about it, the other thing on my mind comes out too.
“My Mom contacted me a few weeks ago, actually.” I say it almost casually, and I’m surprised that it even feels quite casual. I guess I’ve been sitting on it long enough that I’ve started to get used to the idea.
Kenneth’s head comes up at that, a very mixed look in his expression.
“She…did?”
I nod. “Sent me a letter about wanting to get back in touch - wanting to try and build some kind of relationship. I haven’t heard from her in seven years.”
He sucks in a deep breath at that, his hand reaching out to squeeze mine automatically, but I don’t even feel that bad. Just…slightly detached.
“Have you done anything?” He asks, his deep voice obviously concerned.
I shake my head. “No, I haven’t had the time—well, no. I haven’t had the energy to deal with it all.”
He nods and he’s silent for a moment, just looking at me and holding my hand. It feels strange, having him here for me like that again. An echo of the past. It’s reassuring, comforting…but even as I relax into that feeling, I realize I don’t need it quite as much as I did in the past. It’s just…nice.
“Do you think you’re going to respond?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” I say slowly. I still haven’t quite worked that out for myself. “It’s strange. It’s not like it used to be. I don’t know exactly what I feel about it all - if I even feel anything at all. I think…I think I want to. Just to see. I’m not sure it would even affect me if we arranged to meet and…she disappeared again. But…I don’t know that for sure, you know? So I’m…I’m still working it out.”
He nods again and I can see the conflicted expression on his face as his lips twist together.
“I want to say that she’s not good enough for you, Jessica, that she doesn’t deserve it.” He says, his voice a deep rumble. “I saw what she put you through for all those years and i
t was painful enough to watch, let alone how much it hurt you. Hearing she’s back makes me want to pick you up and take you home, to keep you somewhere you can be safe from anything that might ever hurt you again…but after everything we just talked about…after what I just asked for…”
His mouth twists into a rueful smile and he gives a small shrug. “It seems a little hypocritical, huh?”
I smile back at him, just a little, shrugging myself. “I can appreciate the urge anyway.”
“Just know that I’ll be here for you if you need me, whatever you decide. I’ll come with you, if you like. Or tear up the letter with you. Or wait at home and pace until I know you’re okay. Whatever you need, I’ll be there.”
My smile widens and I’m surprised by the wave of warmth and relief that rushes through me. I reach out to squeeze his hand, something deep within me relaxing even further. It’s like things are slowly starting to feel right again - in life, and with Kenneth, and…just everything.
“I know. I know you will be.”
Chapter Nineteen
Kenneth
That date with Jessica goes better than I ever could have hoped for.
The drinks and dinner that I’d arranged wasn’t anything too special - no dramatic gestures or crazy extravagances. Not quite the sort of thing I’d like to do for Jessica - not then, when I wasn’t even sure how the whole evening was going to go.
I’ll have the chance for all that later.
No, it was just being around her that was special. Being on a date with my childhood sweetheart, ten years later. Talking to her - really talking to her for the first time in so long. Feeling her open up and be the girl I remember so well…but different, too. She’s older and more mature, of course, but it’s more than that too. She seems less…fragile.
And somehow, after we’d gotten past all the difficult things we needed to talk about, it feels like she’s happier than she was back then, too. I mean, I know it’s stupid trying to compare a twenty-eight year old woman to an eighteen year old girl, but…it’s hard not to, when so many of my memories are tangled up in that.
I’ll get used to it, though, that strange sense of deja vu and reconciling those two images.
We’ll create new memories, as the people we are now.
The thought makes me smile. I’ve already started planning a couple of day trips with Abbie - and after that date together, Jessica has spent a few evenings at mine too. Not overnight, but late enough that we get plenty of time after Abbie has gone to sleep. So far, my little girl has been thrilled when Jessica has come around, and we both intend to keep it that way.
I’m a little more confident about that than Jessica. I know my daughter, and I know how much she’s needed this. If anything, I’d worry about her getting too attached, too fast - but I can’t blame her. I’m the same. I want Jessica around all the time too.
The brief knock on my open door makes me look up as Jessica walks into my office with a cup of coffee. She shuts the door behind her, which is enough to raise my eyebrows. Since that night, we’ve created some ground rules for when we’re working - and that includes resuming my open-door policy. Now that we’re seeing each other outside work, we’re just about able to resist everything we spent the last few days doing during work hours. Mostly.
There are still times when I’d love nothing more than to push her up against the desk and have her legs around my hips, but I do see her point that now we’re seeing each other again, it’s even more important to maintain clear boundaries.
Yeah. Clear boundaries. The thing you’ve been so good at from the start.
It does mean, though, that her closing the door now is noticeable - and I give her a concerned look as she walks over.
“Are you okay?” I ask, barely noticing the coffee she places on my desk before she turns to me. “Has something happened?”
Has her Mom…
“No, no, nothing.” She shakes her head, then leans back against the corner of my desk.
That gives me a perfect view of her long legs stretched out in front of me, but I barely even notice that as my gaze locks on hers.
“I’m going to look for another job.” She finally says, in a quietly determined voice.
“But—” I blink, objecting instinctively before pausing. “Shit. You’re right.”
I lean back in my chair, letting out a long breath.
Of course. How else is this going to work?
We haven’t gotten around to talking about it - beyond the immediate what do we do at work together - but she’s right. We can’t keep working together and pursue a relationship, for a dozen different reasons - the appropriateness of it being only one. I just didn’t want to admit it yet.
I groan at the thought.
“God damn it, it’s going to be impossible to replace you.”
Her mouth curls into a smile and she laughs slightly.
“Well if you had to pick between having me at work or…”
“I’d pick having you.” I confirm, with the grin that always comes at the thought that I do have her. “In life and everything. With me. Beside me. Not working for me.”
“Romantic.” She teases, but her eyes are sparkling.
“Mm. Still going to be grumpy as hell about this, though.”
“Of course.”
“Do you want me to transfer you to another part of the company, or…”
I already know the answer as I ask it, but I want to offer anyway. Just in case.
She’s shaking her head before I even finish the thought.
“No. I think it would be best if I left entirely. It’s just too…”
“Messy?”
“Yeah.”
“What do you think you’d like to do?” I ask and she blinks at me, as if she hasn’t quite thought about it.
“I hadn’t really thought about it. I was just going to look for another secretary job - that shouldn’t be too hard, so long as I have a good reference.” Her mouth curves into a smile at that thought, and I match it.
I pull her off the desk and onto my lap, startling a cry out of her.
“I’m sure we can find a way for you to earn that…”
“Kenneth!” She pushes at me, righting herself, half-laughing and half-outraged. “We said we weren’t going to do this anymore!”
“If you’re leaving, I should probably make the most of it while I can…”
She glances over her shoulder at the door, wriggling on top of me in a way that’s obviously not meant to be enticing, but has my cock hardening almost immediately.
“Someone could come in!”
“In case you’ve forgotten, I’m the boss around here.” I grin. “No one is going to come in without permission.”
“You’re impossible.”
“Are you sure you want to find another secretary position?” I continue my original thought, despite how enticing other things are now that Jessica is in my arms.
She frowns. “What do you mean? What else would I do?”
“You sounded so enthusiastic about the events management role you had before—”
“Ohh, not you too.” She groans and I raise an eyebrow in question. “Gramps already has enough opinions about wanting me to go back to that.”
“And you don’t want to?”
She shrugs. “It’s not that - it’s just they’re not that easy to come by. I don’t think I could find a position like that here, except maybe some sort of voluntary thing. And I’ve got bills to pay, especially with Gramps needing extra therapy now - that’s going to be hard enough once I leave. There are some bonuses to being a super executive secretary, instead of just the regular everyday kind.”
She grins at me at that remark, but I’m frowning.
“You know, Jessica, I don’t want you to have to worry about—”
“Ohhh no.” She shakes her head. “Stop right there. We’re not talking about that. We literally got together days ago—”
“Years—”
�
�Days.” She insists, with a scowl. “I’m not having you start saying things like that. It doesn’t feel right.”
My frown deepens.
Infuriating girl.
Then the irony of the situation hits me and I can’t help but smile, slightly ruefully. I’ve spent so long being worried about dating attracting women who’d only want me for my money…I’ve never once considered how to try to convince one to accept it.
Because I’m going to do that. I’ll make sure of it. I want Jessica to be able to do what she wants to do - and I definitely don’t want it stressing her about her grandfather’s care.
“Okay.” I make a show of relenting, for now at least. “Not yet, then. But eventually—”
A knock at the door sends a jolt through both of us and Jessica jumps off me with a yelp.
“Shit.” I mutter, then call out toward the door. “Just a moment!”
“I told you.” Jessica glares at me, putting herself back together with far more speed and ease than I would have assumed possible. “I’ll leave you to it.”
I glance at the time. “It’s getting late anyway - you’ll be heading off to see your grandfather, right?”
She nods. That’s something else we’ve agreed to, though she was hesitant about it at first, until I convinced her that she did more than enough work regardless of how we arrange it.
These days, she leaves a couple of hours early to spend a little more time with her grandfather - and I’ve seen a noticeable difference in her since we started doing that. She’s still worried about him, but the anxiety and stress seems to have eased off a little.
She’s my personal secretary, so it’s no one else’s business what her working hours or situation is - she doesn’t need anyone’s approval but mine to ‘work from home’. And to her credit, she does actually insist on making up the hours, even if I tell her it’s really not necessary. I haven’t had such an efficient secretary for years anyway.
It’s another thing that bothers me about her changing job.
What if they don’t let her do that? Don’t give her that time? She needs it, even if she won’t admit it.
Something else for me to chew over.
