Peridale Cafe Mystery 19 - Brownies and Bloodshed

by Agatha Frost

  “Silly idiot knocked his glass of champagne over when he saw me,” replied a tall, elderly, suited man looming over the table. “I guess that makes me Cinderella since I was the only one not invited to the ball.”

  The man leaned over and picked up the champagne bottle by the neck before pouring some into an empty glass. He toasted himself before gulping it down. Mary hurried over with a dustpan and brush, and a towel for Percy. He snatched the rag off her, his eyes drawn to slits behind his signature red frames. He twisted the towel roughly in his hands, but he didn’t dry the stain.

  “Who are you?” Dot shot at the newcomer. “Percy, what’s going on?”

  “I could ask you the same thing,” the stranger replied with a toothy smirk, his teeth too perfectly formed to be real at his age. “But, from the looks of you, I suppose you’re the unlucky lady who is marrying my little brother. It’s safe to say he has a type, isn’t that right, Percy?”

  “Ian!” Eugene cried, shaking his head as he glanced at the final member of the Cropper sibling trio. “Leave the man alone. He’s getting married tomorrow.”

  “Which is why I’m here.” Ian smacked Percy on the shoulder, causing the towel to drop from his hands. “I thought this was all too good to be true, but look at you all. It’s real.”

  “Dad,” Thomas scolded. “Leave it.”

  Percy scrambled for the towel, his cheeks darkening by the second. He finally scrubbed at the stain as Mary danced around his feet, sweeping the glass shards from the floor. Julia took the moment of silence to assess Ian. He was tall and slender, and though his lines were deep, he had a youthful air about him. He wore a sharp suit, and like Eugene and unlike Percy, he still had a full head of hair. The smirk spread across his face had yet to crack.

  “Why don’t we all sit down?” Eugene announced, fanning his hands in a down gesture. “The food will be here soon, and I’m sure it will be—”

  “Who invited you?” Percy cut in, his eyes still on Ian.

  “Not you,” Ian replied, his gaze narrowing on Percy. “I must say, I was hurt when—”

  “Who invited you?” Percy demanded, fingers twisting around the damp rag, his eyes bulging out of his skull. “I told you I never wanted to see you again!”

  “And yet I’m here.” Ian held out his hands like a ringleader presenting himself at a circus show. “Something smells delicious. What did you all order?”

  Percy’s thin lips tightened into a straight line, and his chin wobbled as his face transformed from red to purple. He slammed the towel on the table, causing the glasses and cutlery to jump. Somehow, the silence in the restaurant grew even stuffier. Julia glanced around, and as expected, all eyes were glued on the unfolding scene. She knew the second they left the restaurant, people would fall all over each other to give their eyewitness accounts to anyone who would listen.

  “I think you should leave,” Dot said to Ian, standing at Percy’s side. “You’re upsetting him.”

  “No surprise there.” Ian chuckled, looking around the table as though he expected everyone to join in; no one did. “It’s a free country, m’love. I came to wish my brother luck the night before his big day.”

  “You did no such thing!” Percy pointed at Ian. “When I told you I never wanted to see you again, I meant it.”

  Percy lurched back, knocking over his chair. It clattered against the floor; gasps rippled through the audience. He looked around at his guests, and his eyes glazed over while his dimpled chin trembled uncontrollably. With a sigh, he made for the exit. The door slammed in its frame behind him, collectively jolting everyone in the dining room.

  Dot bent down and picked up the chair. She tucked it under the table and stared blankly ahead at the table, her fingers tight around the wood. Her eyes shot up, locking on Ian’s.

  “I don’t want to see you anywhere near the wedding tomorrow,” Dot said firmly, her neck stiffening as she let go of the chair and dusted her hands slowly together before clasping them. “I mean it.”

  Without saying her goodbyes, Dot turned on her heels and marched after Percy, her steps quick but purposeful. Julia looked around the dining room again, and she could practically taste how hungry everyone was for more gossip.

  “Show’s over,” Julia announced, looking many diners in the eye; most were café regulars.

  “You couldn’t help yourself, could you?” Eugene dropped his showman act and snarled at his eldest brother, “Why can’t you just make peace?”

  Ian fanned a yawn before checking his watch. “Oh, c’mon, folks. The idiot never could take a joke.”

  Jessie suddenly jumped up, knocking her chair back. Julia caught and steadied it before it could fall. Jessie’s hands were balled into fists.

  “You went for his throat the second you walked in!” Jessie cried, fists tightening. “Percy is the nicest man I’ve ever met.”

  Ian laughed. “You can’t have met many real men then.”

  The kitchen door opened, and Mary’s husband, Todd, hurried out, most of their order balanced on either arm. He wore his usual grin for about two steps until the thick atmosphere hit him.

  Barker glanced up at Julia, and then he caught Mary’s eyes as she continued sweeping up the glass. Julia liked Mary, but she knew the owner was enjoying every second of the drama. Peridale had a saying that you didn’t say or do anything in the Comfy Corner that you didn’t mind being spread all over the village.

  “Can we get the bill please, Mary?” Barker asked politely. “I think we’ve all lost our appetites.”

  While Todd put the food on the table, Barker fingered through the notes in his wallet and slapped a stack in the middle. It looked like there was enough to pay for the meal, and then some.

  “Well, this isn’t how I expected the evening to go,” Eugene said, attempting to inject some lightness into the air with a deep belly chuckle. “But Barker is right. Any appetite I had has vanished, so I think Marley and I will get back to the B&B.”

  “Good idea,” Thomas agreed before draining his pint. He stood and grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair before patting his dad on the shoulder. “Nice one, Dad. This makes how many family meals that you’ve ruined?”

  “Lighten up!” Ian looked around the table as though he didn’t know what he had done. “I didn’t have to come.”

  “You shouldn’t have come,” Jessie snapped. “You weren’t invited for a reason.”

  “I was,” Ian replied.

  “By who?” Sue spoke up for the first time since the tension had started.

  “That doesn’t matter, does it?” Eugene replied, standing and pulling Marley up with him. He reached into his pocket and retrieved some notes from his wallet to add to the already generous stack on the table. “For now, I’ll bid you all goodnight. Hopefully we can all get better acquainted. I wish we could have had a nice evening to do that tonight, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.” Eugene stepped around his chair, so he was face to face with Ian. “I think you shouldn’t show your face tomorrow. You can’t be trusted to behave yourself.”

  Eugene nodded at them all before leaving, Marley hot on his heels. Ian took Eugene’s seat and pulled over a plate of Peridale pie. He topped up the champagne glass before tucking into their food.

  “Let’s go home,” Julia said to Barker and Jessie as she watched Ian shovel food into his mouth. “I think I’ve had enough excitement for one night.”

  Julia and her family departed, leaving Thomas and Helen with their father. Outside, everyone went their separate ways with promises to see each other tomorrow. When Julia and Barker were back in the car, she couldn’t help but feel a little relieved to have escaped the suffocating restaurant.

  “What was all that about?” Barker asked as Julia manoeuvred her car out of the tight space while Katie and Brian took their time behind them.

  “I have no idea.” Julia drove up the narrow street and turned the corner. “Let’s just hope he doesn’t turn up tomorrow.”

  They drove home in sil
ence, and when they were back in their cottage, Julia enjoyed the moment alone with Barker before the madness returned. They hugged in the dark quiet of the hallway until they heard Katie’s car pull up outside.

  Julia flicked on the hallway light, noticing the promised outfits Dot and Percy had dropped off. Two black clothes bags were hung on Julia and Barker’s bedroom door, and three more on the guest bedroom.

  Julia found the one labelled with her name and wasted no time unzipping it. Staring at the black dress and hat, it only took her a split second to figure out the theme, and more importantly, the role her grandmother had given her to play in it.

  “This has to be a joke.”

  3

  “J ulia?” Barker called again through the bathroom door. “You have to come out eventually.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  Julia clung to the sink and stared at her reflection. The hair and make-up artist had left ten minutes ago, and even though he had done a spectacular job transforming her, she had been locked in the bathroom since.

  “Which character are you?” Katie called in, voice soft. “We’re all in the same boat.”

  “I don’t think we are.” Julia turned to the side, her large prosthetic witches nose jutting out half a mile from her face. “My gran has a cruel sense of humour.”

  Julia stepped back from the mirror; for once, her skin’s green hue not down to her pregnancy. She sighed, knowing she couldn’t hide forever. With heavy, reluctant steps, she forced herself to the bathroom door.

  When she opened the door, she expected her misery to grow at being seen in this light, but when she saw the characters Dot had chosen for Barker, Katie, Brian, and Vinnie, she couldn’t help but laugh. They all joined in; even Vinnie giggled at the ridiculousness of the situation.

  “Look at me!” Julia cried, her words stuffy behind the fake nose. “I’m the Wicked Witch of the West!”

  “At least you don’t have straw sticking out of everywhere,” Barker replied, scratching at the stuff poking out from under his hat. “I don’t know what I expected the theme to be, but I wasn’t expecting The Wizard of Oz.”

  Barker also appeared to have a prosthetic attached to the lower half of his face, giving the impression that his face was made of hessian fabric, which continued down to his shoulders. His nose had been painted dark brown, and a necklace of rope hung around his neck. More yellow straw poked out of his dark green tunic and brown pants to give the impression his torso wasn’t human.

  “At least you’re both main characters,” Katie replied, scratching at the grey wig on her head. “We’re stuck being Auntie Em and Uncle Henry.”

  The make-up artist had done even more of a transformation on Katie; somehow, he had made her look plain. Dressed in a simple tatty shirt, hat, and waistcoat, Brian was the only one who looked at all like himself, although some effort put into his face made him look older.

  “Want to swap?” Julia asked with a chuckle, unable to take any of it seriously when Vinnie, dressed as Dorothy’s dog, Toto, crawled over, his costume quite convincing. Julia scooped him up and balanced him on her hip. “I’m surprised you’re not scared of me, kiddo.”

  Vinnie stared at Julia’s bright green face, complete with fake warts and nose, with wide-eyed fascination. He reached out and poked the end of the nose, the rubbery tip moving beneath his finger. He giggled, looking down at the green paint on his finger.

  “We should get down to the village,” Julia said as she passed Vinnie over to Katie. “I’m sure Gran can’t wait to see her plan in action.”

  The invitations for the wedding had been sent out two weeks ago with instructions to meet at the village green for noon. Speculation had been rife not just in Julia’s family but in the village too. Dot’s wedding had been the only topic of conversation in the café for the past fortnight, with most people expecting Julia to know the intimate details of her gran’s plan.

  “It’s a circus,” Barker said to Julia when they climbed out of the car parked in the alley between the café and post office. “This must have cost a fortune.”

  “There goes my inheritance,” Brian said as he climbed out of the backseat with Vinnie in his arms.

  An archway of artificial poppies had been erected at the top of the village green, leading onto the yellow carpet that ran the length of the green, across the road, and up the steps into St. Peter’s Church. At least a dozen waiters dressed as munchkins handed out glasses of champagne and balloons as guests made their way down the carpet towards the church. All the windows in Dot’s cottage were wide open, the net curtains fluttering in the breeze as Judy Garland sang ‘We’re Off to See the Wizard’ into the beautiful summer’s day.

  Despite her gran’s choice of costume for her, Julia drifted away from Peridale and entered the magical Land of Oz.

  “Why has she done all of this?” Barker asked as they lingered in front of the café, the eyes of the plainly dressed guests focussed excitedly on them. “It makes no sense.”

  “It makes perfect sense,” Julia replied, pressing at the nose to make sure it was still glued down. “Gran was obsessed with the books when she was a little girl.”

  “The film too,” Brian replied as he struggled to keep Vinnie still against his chest. “She’d make me watch it every time it came on TV. I could recite it word for word if you asked me to.”

  “Me too,” Julia replied, a little more fondly. “The VHS player chewed up my tape because I watched it so often.”

  Julia could hardly believe she had buried the memories of Oz so deeply, but now that she was standing in the middle of its surreal reality, a long since embedded memory pushed its way to the forefront of her mind.

  “She’d read me the books every night after Mum died,” Julia said, choking on the words. “I can’t believe I never suspected this as an option.”

  “Don’t cry.” Barker winked and dabbed at a stray fallen tear on her green cheek. “You’ll melt.”

  “I don’t think any of us were expecting this,” Katie said with a girlish grin as she scanned the surrounding scene. “I thought she’d go space age.”

  “I put twenty quid on an underwater wedding,” Barker added. “But this is far more exciting, don’t you think?”

  “Hmmm,” Brian grumbled, likely thinking about his inheritance again. “It’s certainly something.”

  “It’s certainly Dot,” Julia replied.

  Further up the street, she spotted the Cowardly Lion making his way down from the B&B, arms linked with Evelyn, the owner, who wore an emerald green kaftan with matching turban. The Tin Man, in what appeared and sounded like a suit of real metal, hobbled awkwardly behind them.

  “Wonderful!” the lion cried, the voice of Eugene Cropper bellowing above the music. “Absolutely wonderful!”

  “If you say so,” said the Tin Man in Marley’s voice as he stiffly tried to catch up.

  “I predicted this!” Evelyn exclaimed as they ducked through the poppy arch. “I only wish I’d written it down!”

  Eugene glanced at them, but as Julia waved, he continued scanning without acknowledging them. Belatedly, she realised he didn’t recognise them under their disguises. She turned to take in her reflection in the dark café’s window, barely even recognising herself.

  A door deep in the alley slammed, and Julia watched two flying monkeys squeeze past the parked cars.

  “This is mad!” the first monkey said with Jessie’s voice, a grin shining through the terrifying blue monkey face mask.

  “It’s making me crave bananas,” said the second monkey, revealing himself to be Alfie. “Where do we go?”

  Julia cleared her throat, catching the monkeys’ eyes. Jessie glanced at Julia before looking away, her head doubling back almost instantly. She lifted her hands to her mask and didn’t bother to hide her laughter.

  “Are you green with envy?” Julia asked, poking at Jessie with her straw broom. “Oh, wait, that’s me.”

  “Bonkers.” Jessie squinted as she took in Juli
a’s face. “Brilliant, but bonkers. You look hideous.”

  “Thanks.” Julia looked over her shoulder at her reflection again. “I can honestly say I’ve never felt prettier.”

  “Maybe there’s been a gas leak?” Alfie suggested. “We could be having a collective hallucination.”

  Jessie laughed. “If it were anyone else’s wedding, I might agree with you, but were any of us expecting anything less than something stark raving mad from Dot?”

  There was a silent moment of agreement as the music faded out to silence, picked up immediately by ‘Follow the Yellow Brick Road’.

  “I bet she’s loving this in there,” Brian said, shielding his eyes from the bright sun as he looked to Dot’s cottage. “I wonder who she’s going to be?”

  Before any of them could reply with the obvious answer, a car pulled up right in front of the poppy arch. Another flying monkey jumped out from the driver’s seat and hurried to open the back door where a poufy pink dress filled the whole window.

  “I’m stuck!” Sue’s voice came from within. “The dress is too big!”

  The monkey, presumably Sue’s husband, Neil, attempted to drag Sue out of the small car. Julia handed her broom to Barker and hurried over, reaching into the sea of fabric for Sue’s hand. Neil grabbed the other while staring at Julia as though trying to figure out who she was under the nose.

  Sue found her feet and with one final pull, she squeezed out of the car, revealing Pearl and Dottie in their car seats, dressed as more munchkins. Sue, who had got away without wigs or prosthetics, ran to the boot and retrieved a giant silver crown with a matching star wand.

  “Of course,” Julia said with a laugh, planting her hands on her hips as she looked at her sister’s gorgeous costume. “Glinda the Good Witch. Why are you always the nice one?”

  “Julia?” Sue squinted as she perched the crown on her caramel curls. “You’ve never looked better.”

  Julia wished she still had her broom to whack her younger sister. She should have known their gran’s twisted sense of humour would place them at the two ends of the spectrum. After all, at Dot and Percy’s Victorian-themed engagement party, Sue had been a wealthy lady and Julia, the maid.