Starbeam

by Adrienne Woods

  Ever since he had told me that this war had been coming for a long time, I had mixed feelings about it all.

  It felt as if I was betraying Albert’s legacy and I wanted to kick myself every time for it. I had gotten soft. Andrew was now soft, like Katie.

  I had the first watch as we took shelter in a deserted cave.

  Goran told me it used to be a dragon’s cave. It was big and could house at least three and a nest.

  I imagined what life used to be like without all this fighting for possession. For land, for territory.

  I was sure conflicted.

  If they had human bodies, why couldn’t they be bargained with. “Hey,” Goran came to sit next to me.

  “Hey, sorry about…”

  “No, I’m sorry. I keep on forgetting that you are new at this. You might be excellent with a bow and arrow, probably better than the crown prince,” he chuckled. “But you are not a killer and didn’t grow up with the truth of how things really were.”

  “Why is that? Why didn’t we know about all of this? About their human forms?”

  “Ignorance, I don’t know.”

  “How much do you know about them.”

  He smiled. “Albert used to give them names, just like his father did with the Metallics.”

  “He did?” I smiled.

  “Yes. An acid spitter, he called the Night Villain.”

  I laughed. “And then one went and killed him. I wonder if he knew that was going to happen would he have still named it.”

  “Do you want to hear the rest of the names?”

  “No, I already have a problem killing them. Please, don’t tell me their names.”

  Goran just look at me. I sighed.

  “I know it’s not what you wanted to hear. I only killed for food and had the utmost respect for all the lives I took. My guardian taught me to only kill what you need, not for pleasure.”

  “We kill to survive, Andrew.”

  “Sorry for putting a value to life, Goran. I wish I had more of what you have.”

  “No, believe me you don’t. I envy you.”

  “Why, I have nothing to envy.”

  “You are wrong. You had someone that loved you enough to teach you how to respect all things, not just some.”

  “Why is that?’ I asked. More silence grew. “Sorry, I was out of line, you don’t have to answer that.”

  “No, it’s okay. I trust you Andrew, it really doesn’t happen a lot in my life. I don’t trust easily and I can count on one hand who I do trust.”

  “Then I’m honored.”

  He opened his hand and it became white, wind in the form of snowflakes twirled on his palm. It formed a white ball and he threw it into the fire.

  I kept staring at the spot where the fire swallowed it.

  “Now you know.”

  “I don’t understand, you know how to do magic.”

  He shook his head. “It’s not magic.”

  “Then what was that.”

  “Snow.”

  “Snow. How did you do that?”

  “I got sick when I was around sixteen. I thought I was going to die, but I pulled through and I ended up with being able to wield snow out of nothing.”

  “You have an ability?”

  He nodded. “Like the snow spitter. I’m not a dragon. I don’t even have dragon blood in me. I don’t know why it happened, it just did.”

  “And that is why your father is the way he is with you.”

  “One of the reasons.”

  “What is the other one?”

  “I’m not as perfect as Helmut is. Or was.”

  “It’s so stupid.”

  “What about my father, or what I can do?”

  “No, the kings. Why didn’t they try to form an alliance with the Chromatics? If they have human forms.”

  “Did you see what those human forms did and can do?”

  “They are scared of their human forms but have no trouble shutting down their dragon forms. I don’t buy that. They put their people in danger and don’t give a shit about that. Kings are supposed to be brave, to rule with brains not brawn.”

  “I agree. Why do you think I’m trying to get their location.”

  I looked at him. “You want to negotiate?”

  “Find a truce. You think I want the slaughtering to continue. I have lost three of my best friends, one of them was the man that I shared my mother’s womb with, I’m done Andrew. I want peace.”

  Silence lingered. He had his own agenda.

  “Do you know why Al chose names for them? Because it was his dream. To find peace. He warned his father so many times that war was going to come, that he needed to change his ways, but he didn’t listen. His death still didn’t make him listen. Nothing will.”

  “Albert wanted peace too?”

  He smiled. “So did Goran and Caleb. It was one of the things they wanted to change when they became kings. Now they left it up to me. I never wanted this.”

  “They say that the one that wants it the least will be the best ruler of them all.”

  He chuckled again. “I wish that was the truth. My father sees my gift as evil. He thinks I’m destined for evil.”

  “I don’t believe in that crap. You can wield snow. That doesn’t make you evil. It’s what you do with it that will define whether you are good or evil. Not the other way around.”

  He just looked at me. “You sound like Al now.”

  I chuckled. “I doubt I will ever be like him. I didn’t know he was like that. To be honest, I never really like the royals very much. I thought that they didn’t care about anyone except themselves.”

  “And now?”

  “I’ve learned the hard way that not everything is what it seems.”

  “It’s usually like that Andrew. Why don’t you get some shut-eye? Tomorrow is going to be a long day and after that, well hopefully we can go back to base camp.

  I nodded, bid him goodnight and went to my bed roll. I put another kernel in my mouth and then closed my eyes to sleep.

  Another two years passed.

  I was assigned with Maze to another group. He was turning sixteen and I made him a pot cake on an open fire.

  I couldn’t believe that I was almost turning nineteen.

  I didn’t see Goran that much. He was called back to train another group.

  He became a great friend and whenever a new soldier joined our camp and they came from Goran, he would have a letter for me.

  Whenever we did see each other, he would always tell me about his childhood with Albert, Helmut and Caleb.

  I didn’t see them as royalty through his eyes, but as normal people like me and Maggy used to be.

  Many more villages had fallen over the past two years, even Disseldorf.

  Only Eikenborough and Alkadeem seemed to be coping with the war.

  There weren’t going to be any humans left when this war was over.

  Tomorrow we would go back to base camp and word of what was going on in the real world would fill our ears again.

  I missed home. I missed my mother, my father, my brother, even my sisters and Maggy. I missed her the most, almost the most.

  I even missed being Kate.

  When was this war going to end?

  I thought about Goran a lot too.

  He was constantly in my prayers and the best one to take us to a new future where dragons and humans could coexist.

  I’d learned from him that there were other creatures in Paegeia too. Merfolk and shifters.

  I wondered if Zeba wasn’t one of them. She was too smart to be a fox, but he did say that if she was, she probably didn’t even know it herself as he had never seen a human form sprouting from her fox fur.

  I put another kernel in my mouth and closed my eyes when Eben took the next watch.

  I was always careful to keep my eyes closed when Eben was on watch because he liked to pull on something that shouldn’t be pulled on when he thought everyone was sleeping.

  It’s
funny how I never got the urge to touch mine. I only did when I peed and that was to aim straight. Nothing aroused it the way Eben had explained it had ever happened to me.

  I guess I was still a woman in that way.

  I missed being a woman.

  In the early morning hours we left for base camp.

  It was about a day’s walk and we would reach it at night.

  I had plenty of dried meat from the pheasant I had shot last month and handed a piece to Maze during our journey.

  My bow was around my shoulder, sheath with arrows on my other and my sleeping roll on my back.

  I didn’t need much. I made the traps to hunt from the branches nature provided and fire with two rocks. My survival skills grew intensively and I wondered if I would be able to adapt to society ever again.

  We listened to Zack and Eben talking about women again. Especially their bosoms and the sex parts.

  It was disgusting but also familiar living among them as a man.

  Eben had wild fantasies of what he would do with a woman if he ever found one that would accept him. It sent shivers down my spine and was glad when Ruben told them to shut up or he was going to wake up some sleeping beasts.

  We all chuckled at that and the rest of the journey was fairly silent.

  We reached base camp around sun down and I saw Goran close to my tent.

  Maze ran up to him and he ruffled his hair. “You are becoming a man.” Goran said.

  “Just turned sixteen.”

  “Goran,” I said.

  “Andrew,” he hugged me and then the hug broke. His face carried a sullen look. “I came as soon as I heard.”

  “Heard what?”

  His face went numb. “How long have you been out?”

  “Ninety days, why.”

  “So you don’t know?”

  “Know what?” I didn’t like the way he was sounding.

  “You need to come with me.” He said, and Maze stayed by his tent.

  “Goran, what is going on?”

  “In private, Andrew.”

  “It’s Eikenborough, isn’t it?”

  He stopped.

  “Goran.”

  He nodded. “I thought you knew.”

  “When?”

  “About ten days ago.”

  “What happened?”

  I felt as if I was going to cave in right there in front of him.

  “Dragons came. The city still stands. It wasn’t like Disseldorf but a lot have perished.”

  “Women and children.”

  He nodded as tears welled up in my eyes.

  My shoulders shook and Goran grabbed me tightly.

  “I’ll try to find out more. They are busy rebuilding the security as we speak. Making sure that the weapons are in place. It wasn’t a double attack and a few days gave them plenty of time to recoup. It continued for about four days and so far, no other attack was mentioned. The king sent dragons to protect Eikenborough.”

  “My guardian, do you know if he is still alive?”

  “I can’t tell you that. But I can find out.”

  I nodded.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve asked for you and Maze to join me at my base. I need an archer to train the new men, and they will learn fast from someone their own age about all things war.”

  I nodded again.

  “Is there anything I can do for you?”

  “Find out about my guardian please.”

  “I’ll send word, see what comes back.”

  I turned around and walked back to my tent.

  Inside I collapsed and just cried myself to sleep.

  I took another kernel as I knew I wouldn’t wake up tonight.

  The next few days no word came.

  I hated the look on Goran’s face every morning but I learned to be patient.

  On the fifth day we left for his base camp.

  My heart was broken and my senses weren’t the way the used to be. I didn’t even see it coming or feel the arrow when it struck me in my side.

  The last thing I saw was Goran’s hands lifting up and freezing the forest around us.

  “Andrew, just hold on. Hold on.” It was the last thing I heard and then everything went black.

  When I woke up the pain was gone. I was in a tent with Goran next to me.

  He looked at me through squinted eyes.

  “What ha…” I closed my eyes as it wasn’t Andrew’s voice speaking to him, but my own.

  “You care to explain to me why a woman is in Andrew’s place with the same injury?”

  Tears welled up in my eyes. “What are you going to do?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “Fine, my father was too sick and the king didn’t want to hear anything about it. I couldn’t let him fight, so a dragon friend helped me in a way no one else ever did. My kernels, they are dusted with dragon magic. I became Andrew to fight in my father’s place.”

  “So you lied to me.”

  “I had no fucking choice, Goran.”

  He closed his eyes.

  “I’m still the same, just with breasts and a different sex.”

  “Differnt sex, that is what you are going with. What is your name.”

  “None of that matters now. It’s treason and..” I sighed. “It doesn’t matter anymore, so do what you must.”

  He stared at me with a frown. “Which is what?”

  “Behead, hang, I don’t care. My family is probably dead that is why you didn’t get word. My chance is over, so just do what you need to do so that I can be with my loved ones.”

  Silence lingered and he laughed. “Are you insane?”

  I looked at him.

  “You are the bravest person I have ever met. I don’t care if you are a woman or a man. You are an asset, just forgive me if things will become slightly weird around me from now on, Andrew.”

  I smiled and he chuck my bag of kernels back to me.

  “The others might not understand but your secret's safe with me. I’m the last person that can judge you. And I mean it, I won’t tell a soul.”

  “Maze.”

  “He didn’t see. I send him to go hunt pheasant. The Swallow Annex, Bill, he was a bit shocked but promised to keep your secret too. What is your real name?”

  “Kate, my friends call me Kate.”

  “Well Kate, you are one hell of a woman if I do say so myself,” he sighed. “I wish the king would let women fight, then I would chuck that bag of kernels away, but I’m not king yet, so eat up.”

  “Just need one.” I said and opened my bag.

  Goran left and I placed a kernel in my mouth.

  The dizziness came and the tingling sensation was worse than before. But when it all disappeared I was Andrew again.

  Goran wasn’t joking when he said things were going to be different from now on.

  He tried to explain why he gave me privacy when washing up and all those things. It wasn’t because I didn’t know what they looked like, it was because he was giving me a break from penises.

  I really was grateful for that.

  He wanted to know everything about me after the change too and not the lie I kept telling everyone, the real me.

  We trained the new soldiers and when they left, it was time for our new orders.

  Zeba came a few times during the year.

  We spent Christmas in the forest, wishing we had our mother’s Christmases.

  Maze and I gaped when Goran told us what Christmas was like at the palace in Tith.

  Silence lingered when he stopped.

  Maze and I looked at one another and both yelling at the same time ‘spoiled brat’.

  He laughed.

  The day after Christmas it all went to shit again.

  Maze got shot. He was dead and Goran threw me over his shoulder as I went numb, leaving Maze there. He washed the blood off my hands. Maze’s blood. When I came back to myself, I pushed him away.

  “How could you just leave him there? It was Maze Goran.”

  “Ca
lm down, please.”

  “We need to go back and bury him.”

  “Someone is taking care of him, just calm down.” He asked again, shaking me slightly. “Things are not what they seem Kate,” he said softly. “You need to trust me please.”

  “What?”

  “Do you trust me?”

  “You know that answer. What do you mean someone is taking care of Maze?”

  “It’s a long story and one I will tell you about, but we need to move. It’s not safe here.”

  I nodded and we got out of the water and walked in the dark.

  We slept in trees that night.

  Goran asked me a million times if I took a kernel and if I was okay.

  I didn’t want to talk to him. He didn’t even give me time to say goodbye to Maze.

  The next morning we kept on walking in silence.

  He sighed and looked at me.

  “I’m fine.” I said before he could ask.

  “It’s time to tell you the truth.” He said.

  “Truth about what?”

  “My role in this war.”

  I squinted but we kept walking.

  “I’m not entirely the man you think I am.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  He sighed and his jaw muscles were pumping. “My cause is just, Andrew.”

  He didn’t call me Kate?

  “I needed to know if I could trust you.”

  “Trust me.”

  “Yes, trust you. You are an asset, the only problem is….” He looked into the forest and back to the ground, before looking at me again. “You are fighting for the wrong side.”

  Chapter 15

  ALBERT

  * * *

  I got word from Gordy.

  He was going to bring Andrew. The boy Maze, that was like Andrew’s shadow, wasn’t going to come with. I got a sedative from Marcus. He used his dragon magic to doctor the arrow that I was going to shoot the boy with. He wouldn’t breathe and his heartbeat would be shallow.

  Connie would go with me.

  She had to be close by. Goran would take care of Andrew.

  He told me that I needed to be at the pick up. I was the key for Andrew to accept any of this.