Holiday Healing

by Erica Lee

  I looked up and down at her outfit. “Are you sure you can handle that? I don’t want to have to explain to nana Harvey how I let you freeze to death.”

  She smiled and grabbed the blanket that was over us. “As long as I can wrap this around me while we walk, I should survive.”

  I nodded and followed her into the cafe. After a half hour, we headed back out into the cold to find that snow had started to fall while we were in there. It was coming down really hard at this point and had already started laying on the ground. Before I could even react, Layla was dancing around in it, trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth.

  She laughed and smiled over at me. “Do you know how long it has been since I have seen snow?”

  I smiled back. “Seeing as how I haven’t heard of any freak snowstorms in LA, I’m going to say at least ten years.”

  She stuck her tongue out at me and continued to dance around. I couldn’t help but think about how cute she looked dancing around like a little kid who had never seen snow before. It showed me just how much I took things such as the first snow of the season for granted. As I looked around, I realized just how beautiful it looked falling from the sky.

  My thoughts were interrupted by a snowball hitting me square in the back. I turned around to see Layla giggling, clearly very amused with herself. I bent down, made a snowball of my own, and hit her on the head with it. I was aiming for her stomach or chest, but my snowball game was way off after all the years of refusing to go outside when it snowed.

  She raised an eyebrow at me. “So we’re playing dirty now?”

  With that, she ran at me full speed and pushed me into a big snow pile. I grabbed ahold of her as I was going down and she just so happened to land on top of me with our faces only inches apart. I thought about how easy it would be to lean just a little bit closer and kiss her. For a moment, I could have sworn that Layla was going to do just that, but instead, she opened her mouth to speak.

  “Adrienne… I just want you to know..” She paused and then shook her head like she had changed her mind about what she wanted to say. “I wanted to say again that I'm sorry. I'm not sure why I acted like it was your fault that your parents weren't talking to you. Well, that's a lie. I do know why. I wanted to hurt you since I felt so hurt, but that reason is about as crappy as they come.”

  If there was ever going to be a mood killer, bringing up my parents was definitely it. I pushed myself off the ground subsequently forcing Layla to get off of me and stand up.

  When we were both on our feet, I turned to her. “It's really no big deal. We both said dumb stuff. No reason to get caught up on the past.”

  Layla stared at me for a moment before speaking again. “So, did you want to talk about it? You know, what happened with your parents?”

  “No,” I answered very quickly and Layla shook her head in understanding. But suddenly, I felt like I did want to talk about it and Layla was exactly the person that I wanted to talk about it with.

  “I never told anyone this, not even nana Harvey, but I actually called my parents three years ago to try to patch things up. I was prepared to crawl back to them with my tail between my legs because I felt so lost without them.”

  Layla’s eyes went wide, but in an interested way. There was no judgment behind them at all. “And how did that go over?”

  I left out a big sigh and shook my head. “Both of their numbers were disconnected like they were trying to do everything in their power to keep me away. So I decided in one last ditch effort that I would call the house phone. A strange lady picked up and when I asked her about my parents, she told me that they had moved the year before. Want to hear the best part though?”

  Layla nodded her head with a look of concern on her face. I let out a little laugh that was also accompanied by a few tears. “I asked the lady if she knew where and why they moved. She said that she wasn't sure where, but they had moved because they wanted a fresh start with their newly adopted teenage daughter. She started telling me about how noble it was for people to adopt an older child, but I couldn't listen because I knew the truth. They didn't do it out of the goodness of their hearts. They did it to replace me. It's like I was a broken clock that they threw out and then they immediately went to the store for a newer model.”

  Layla stopped walking and looked over at me. “I'm so sorry Adrienne. I hope that you realize that you're not broken. Sure, you might be a bit too uptight and bossy, plus you could definitely smile more. But I think you're perfect just the way you are. And for what it's worth, I think your parents are huge idiots. Any other parents would be proud of the beautiful young woman that you are. They are the ones who are missing out.”

  I smiled at her in appreciation, but didn't say anything. We both walked silently for a few minutes until Layla spoke up.

  “So, if you don't mind me asking, what was your relationship like with your parents growing up? Were you surprised about how they reacted or did you somewhat suspect it?”

  “Our relationship was complicated. I didn't have a bad childhood. My parents were very involved and we did have a lot of fun together and spend a good amount of time doing things as a family. But my parents weren't easy to please. I did everything I could to be the perfect kid and make them proud. I went to church every Sunday without complaining, I never snuck out, I didn't drink until I was 21 and even at that point it wasn't excessive, I got straight A’s all through grade school and college, and I didn't go around hooking up with random guys. Although, that last one may have been for a different reasons. Even with all of that, they were only minimally pleased with me. They always thought that there were so many things that I could be doing better. Looking back, I wish I hadn't spent the twenty-some years of my life trying so hard to make them happy. In the end, it didn't make any difference anyway.”

  Layla contemplated what I was saying. “Yeah. I mean, you definitely deserved to have more fun. But at the same time, it did shape you into the person you are and that is a very dedicated, hardworking, badass woman. Not that I'm giving your parents any credit for that. They are just assholes as far as I'm concerned.”

  I stopped walking to give her an appreciative hug. I found myself reluctant to let go, but unfortunately Layla pulled away first. I was about to feel even more disappointed when, to my surprise, she reached out and took my hand, squeezing it to show her support.

  “So what about your parents,” I questioned. “How did they react when you told them you were gay?”

  “They were so great about it. They told me they always kind of suspected it and then reassured me that all they cared about was me being happy.”

  I stared at the ground and kicked some snow around. “Your parents seem like they were so amazing. Then my awful parents are out there just living life without a care in the world. Life can be so unfair sometimes.”

  Layla sighed loudly. “You're telling me.”

  Chapter 13: Layla

  The next week flew by and I couldn’t believe it when it was already Santa day at the soup kitchen. It had been a good week filled with Christmas movies, caroling, snowman building, and some more Christmas themed karaoke, but I was disappointed it had gone so fast. It was already December 16th so I had less than ten days left at home. I was flying back to LA in the evening on December 25 and was surprisingly upset that it was coming up so soon. I thought I would be itching to get back to LA, but the thought of leaving my nana and Adrienne was tearing me up inside.

  Adrienne and I had grown a lot closer on the carriage ride we went on through town. We both opened up to each other and I felt like I had a much better understanding of what had made her the person she is today. There had also been a surprising amount of physical contact on the carriage ride, including hand holding and snuggling, which had me wondering if Adrienne was starting to have the same feelings I had, no matter how much I tried to deny them.

  That was probably wishful thinking though since nothing like that had happened the rest of the week. She was probably just caug
ht up in the moment and wanted someone to lean on. I was more than fine with being that person for her and found myself wishing more and more that I could always be that person to her. That was just a crazy thought though. I live in LA and have no plans of moving. I have a life out there; at least I kind of do. It's the only life I've known for the past 10 years. That's not something you just walk away from for one pretty face, no matter how complex and lovely the girl with that face happens to be.

  I was snapped back to reality by the sound of some very forced “ho, ho, hos” coming from Adrienne’s room. I knocked on her door and she sighed, “Come in.”

  When I walked in, I found her standing at her mirror, holding the white Santa beard in front of her face. She was as focused as someone preparing for a big presentation or a competitor in the olympics before their event starts.

  She smiled when she saw me staring at her. I had been seeing her smile more and more lately and I loved it. When she was truly smiling, you didn't just see it on her lips. Her whole face lit up. Her cheeks formed dimples and her eyes scrunched in just the tiniest bit. I always hated studying, but I found myself studying her face nonstop.

  “Hey Layla,” Adrienne interrupted my thoughts. “Did you know that Santa is based off the real life person St. Nicholas, who was the bishop of Myra? He used to go around leaving gifts in children’s shoes, hence the whole Santa Claus tradition. The name Santa Claus didn’t appear until the 1770’s though when it was published in a NYC newspaper. His reindeer weren’t introduced until ‘Twas the night before Christmas,’ which started out as a poem called A Visit From St. Nicholas.”

  I left out a giggle. “Wow. Someone has been doing her research. It’s just too bad that all that research hasn’t taught you how to get santa’s ‘ho ho ho’ correct.”

  She glared over at me. “Hey now! I’m getting there. The most important part is to get in touch with the character you are playing by learning more about them.”

  I shook my head. “That’s all well and good and while I’m impressed with your ability to learn facts, it is almost time for you to get into your costume and head to to soup kitchen. Mind if I give you a few pointers?”

  She looked skeptical. “And what makes you think that you are such a santa expert?”

  “Don’t you remember that I worked with the guy one Christmas? I had to hear him ‘ho ho ho’ so often that I could probably play Santa in my sleep.” I stopped and pointed a finger at her. “But don’t go getting any ideas. YOU are Santa, not me, and you are not getting out of this one.”

  She nodded in agreement, so I took that as a sign that I was ok to start my lesson. “Ok. The ho ho ho has to come from deep down inside - right from your belly. You can’t just say it. You have to feel it.” With that, I leaned back and let out a hearty ho ho ho.

  I looked at Adrienne and she made another attempt, which didn’t sound much better than the first one. I rolled my eyes.

  “You’re not listening to me. You’re trying too hard to make it perfect. That’s not the point. The point is to sound jolly and you can only sound jolly by feeling jolly. So, put a hand on your stomach, lean back, and think about something that makes you happy. Then just let it out.”

  Adrienne took a moment to contemplate what I was saying, then she laid her hand awkwardly and leaned back the slightest bit, letting out the most pathetic ho ho ho that I had heard yet. I walked up behind her.

  “Mind if I help you out?” I questioned. Then I moved in close behind her so our bodies were touching. I felt my breath catch as soon as I was close to her, but tried to ignore the feeling. I took her hand in mine and guided it to the top of her stomach, then I slowly leaned back with her.

  “You want to really lean into it. It will help you get a more hearty ho ho ho. I don’t know any scientific reasoning for that, so don’t ask me. Just trust me on that one. Now close your eyes. Think about something that makes you really happy. Alright. Now let’s go. Let me hear it.”

  I wasn’t sure if my advice would actually work, so I was a little surprised when Adrienne did actually let out a “ho ho ho” that even the most experienced mall Santa would be impressed with. She must have been shocked too since she broke into uncontrollable laughter at the sound of it.

  “Told you,” I said with a cocky smirk. “Since I was right you have to reveal your secret to me. What were you thinking about? What makes you so happy that you could use it to channel your inner Santa Claus?”

  Adrienne hesitated and stared down at her feet. “I was actually thinking about you,” she confessed quietly.

  If I thought I had been surprised by Adrienne’s “ho ho ho,” I was downright astounded by what she was saying now. Suddenly, my whole body felt weak and I could have sworn I was about to pass out. After a few seconds, I realized that could have been due to the fact that I had been holding my breath. I went to say something, but no words would come out. I had no idea how to respond to her confession. Before I had the chance to contemplate it any longer, she looked up at me.

  “Sorry. That came out wrong. I just meant that I was thinking about how much fun it is going to be to do this with you today. You and nana Harvey….and the kids of course.”

  Ouch. So much for the two of us feeling the same way. I let out the breath that I had been holding and forced myself to smile over at her. “I can’t wait either. So, what do you say we get ready? The sooner we get all dressed up, the sooner we can get this show on the road!”

  I reluctantly exited the room so I could get my elf costume on. As I walked to my bedroom, I decided that maybe going back to LA wasn’t going to be as bad as I had been starting to believe it would be. After all, it would end the torture of having these one sided feelings that seemed to be growing exponentially with every passing day.

  Chapter 14: Adrienne

  As we rode up to the soup kitchen, fully dressed in our costumes, in a sleigh that nana had rented for the occasion, I continuously scolded myself. Why would I tell Layla that I had been thinking of her when she asked what made me happy? Sure, it was true. In that moment, I couldn’t think of anything that made me happier than having her arms wrapped around me. For the first time in a long time I felt safe, like I had somewhere that I belonged. It felt like if I stayed there with Layla’s arms around me for the rest of my life that nothing would ever hurt me again. I clearly shouldn’t have said anything though. The deafening silence on Layla’s end made it pretty evident that she felt uncomfortable with that confession, which could only mean one thing. She wasn’t developing the same feelings that I unfortunately was. It wasn’t even worth denying anymore. They were there and probably weren’t going to go away for a long time. Luckily, a whole country and three hour time difference separating us would probably help to dampen them a bit.

  As we pulled up to the soup kitchen, I saw little eyes peeking through the windows so I knew it was time to get into character. Layla smiled at me and squeezed my hand. Even if she didn’t feel the same way, her smile still warmed me up inside and I knew I could do this with her by my side. I grabbed my red sack, which was more for show since the presents were already inside. As I stepped off the sleigh, I put my hand on my stomach, or rather the layers of pillows stuffed under my costume, and let out a hearty “ho ho ho.” I watched as the children’s eyes lit up with this simple gesture. To them, I wasn’t some petite 5’7” girl dressing up as Santa for the first time ever. I was the magical man they had always heard about who was going to make all of their wishes come true this Christmas. These kids were going to face heartbreak and loss through their lives, but they would always have the memories of this Christmas to hold into. It was truly beautiful and put a lot into perspective for me. I didn’t have to spend this time of year thinking about everything I had lost. It was ok to cherish my old Christmas memories, even if Christmas would never be the same. Just because things had changed, didn’t mean I had to stop experiencing the magic of Christmas. And standing here with Layla and nana Harvey, surrounded by children who hadn’t b
een dealt the best cards but still smiled, was the most magical experience of my life.

  My thoughts were interrupted by a small child wrapping herself around my legs. I looked down to see Susie looking up at me with a sparkle in her eyes. “Ellie the elf told me that you would be here and look! Here you are!!”

  I smiled at her and winked. “Hello Susie! You have been a very good girl this year. Would you like to be the first to sit on my lap?”

  When she eagerly nodded her head, I picked her up and carried her over to the large Santa chair that nana Harvey had rented. I spoke to Susie about what she wanted for Christmas and handed her one of her gifts. When we looked out to have nana Harvey take a picture of us, I noticed Susie’s grandma standing in the crowd. She had a big smile on her face and tears falling from her eyes. As I looked around, I realized there weren’t many dry eyes. I made my way through the rest of the children, finally remembering what Christmas was all about.

  A few hours later, as the last of the children left, I threw myself on the Santa chair and let out a long sigh.

  Layla smiled and put her hand on my shoulder. “Feeling a little tired?”

  “Exhausted,” I said through a yawn. Then I smiled at her and added, “Thank you so much for forcing me to do this though. It has honestly been one of the best days of my life. Who knew I would enjoy playing Santa so much.”

  “And you did a great job! My Santa lessons this morning must have really paid off,” she said with a wink.

  I shook my head at Layla. She was still the same cocky, annoyingly giddy girl that I had met a few weeks prior, but she was also so much more than that. She was beautiful, both inside and out, and one of the most truly caring people I had ever met. Even if we never saw each other again after Christmas, I knew that my life would forever be changed by her.